Unfinished business

Krazykitty

Krazykitty

New member
Hi, I am married to someone who requested that we open our relationship about 7 months ago. I agreed, but apparently cried so much that he just couldn't go ahead with anything. Now, I'm really regretting it and keep wondering if he's happy... after he changed his mind on the whole thing he basically shut down discussion and said this is a done deal and he doesn't want anyone else. No explanation of why this changed in his mind etc, so I don't feel that I have an adequate understanding about why he was so gung-ho about this whole thing when he met the other girl but now it's all ok and he wants only me. Am I inappropriate to want an explanation of this? (or for the proverbial other shoe to drop and we just go right back into polyamory)

My husband thinks i'm over thinking and worrying too much, I guess my concern is that he thinks he doesn't need another but is kidding himself to make me happy. And that eventually the dissatisfaction will break through again and this may happen again, without warning like last time and without me really being able to emotionally prepare for it. I don't even know what's got me so concerned, except that I'm unhappy with how I look because the other girl is just a beauty queen, I mean literally, and she works at my Dr's office so every time I go there, I see her and make negative comparisons about myself. Seeing her every couple of months just brings it all back and that my reaction/behavior to his asking to sleep with her is the problem in this scenario, and he's subconsciously unhappy with me... Any thoughts?? (BTW I have OCD, although I'm very high functioning. This may play into the whole deal, unfortunately :()
 
Krazykitty said:
Hi, I am married to someone who requested that we open our relationship about 7 months ago. I agreed, but apparently cried so much that he just couldn't go ahead with anything. Now, I'm really regretting it and keep wondering if he's happy... after he changed his mind on the whole thing he basically shut down discussion and said this is a done deal and he doesn't want anyone else. No explanation of why this changed in his mind etc, so I don't feel that I have an adequate understanding about why he was so gung-ho about this whole thing when he met the other girl but now it's all ok and he wants only me. Am I inappropriate to want an explanation of this? (or for the proverbial other shoe to drop and we just go right back into polyamory)

My husband thinks i'm over thinking and worrying too much, I guess my concern is that he thinks he doesn't need another but is kidding himself to make me happy. And that eventually the dissatisfaction will break through again and this may happen again, without warning like last time and without me really being able to emotionally prepare for it. I don't even know what's got me so concerned, except that I'm unhappy with how I look because the other girl is just a beauty queen, I mean literally, and she works at my Dr's office so every time I go there, I see her and make negative comparisons about myself. Seeing her every couple of months just brings it all back and that my reaction/behavior to his asking to sleep with her is the problem in this scenario, and he's subconsciously unhappy with me... Any thoughts?? (BTW I have OCD, although I'm very high functioning. This may play into the whole deal, unfortunately :()
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Stop thinking. Don't question. Trust in what he says. Be happy.
 
Hi

I feel for you. Having a mental issues compounds already difficult situations. I struggled with bi-polar disorder for years and was "high functioning" most of the time, but over a fifteen year period I would flip off the scale every 2-3 years. It definitely impacted the way I felt in my marriage. Pretty powerless really, because I felt (and my ex-husband reinforced) that I wouldn't cope without him. With that experience in mind I can see that perhaps you think, and/or he thinks that you wouldn't cope with him taking on another partner.

In my new relationship I also cried a lot and really struggled when I realised that my partner was actually "in love" with his very good friend and she wasn't just going to fade into the back ground as a result of our relationship. He tried to give her up but he wasn't the same person. It was like part of him was missing, or I could feel his sadness coming between us. Anyway In the end I gave their relationship my blessing and started actively embracing the idea of polyamory.

What I have learned from all this and what could probably be applied in your situation is that for people like us especially, it is best to move forward in baby steps. For me that means tackling my seemingly biggest challenge from its smallest practical point. In your case that sounds like you need an explanation from your husband as to why his need for another came up and honest communication about your ongoing feelings. And I think that is entirely appropriate.

Does he understand your condition? If he does then he should understand that something like this will not go away it will fester and needs to be talked about.

Hope that wasn't too much of a ramble and was helpful.
 
It sounds like your husband loves you very much indeed and was fairly courageous to risk that by bringing up his interest in another woman and his desire to have a relationship of some sort with her. One warning sign in your post is your comparison to the other woman and the impact this has had on your self-esteem. It was drilled into me that my partner would only be interested in another man if I were somehow deficient-- unattractive, boring, or in some way "less than." It took a good many years for me to slowly wake up to the fact that this is usually a lie. I have been *enough* for my partner at times and she has still wanted outside relationships. My partner has been *enough* for me and I still have wanted outside relationships. The desire is not a reflection on the beauty or worthiness of the partner, necessarily, in fact, for me, has *never* been. I have *never* fallen for another woman or wanted to be sexual with another woman because my pre-existing partner was "less than." My heart does not work by cause and effect this way, nor am I moitivated by scarcity. I realize this does happen, but it has not been the case for me. My partners have sometimes talked me right into believing it, however! "If I were enough for you you'd stay put and not want this other thing!" It is a convincing argument on the surface. But it has not been the case for me. It is a good question to ask your husband and then truly work to trust in his answer.

Immaterial
 
Hi everyone, I appreciate your replies. I'm driving my poor husband nuts with my ruminations but we did have some discussions and although he thinks it would be nice to have others sexually, if it causes any trouble he just doesn't want to go there. And, he reinforced why he loves me and why it's so intense and irreplaceable (not because of my looks though). I still feel like this might come up again in the future, but honest discussions have helped. Part of what I'm going to change is to talk with friends about this and not him. He feels that the issue is settled and I think I have to go with that... thanks all.

One complicating factor on the whole self-esteem thing is that I'm an abuse survivor... mostly emotional and some physical, but the end result was by the time I was a teenager I was convinced that I was horrendously ugly, not too bright, and destined for bad things. I've come a long way since then but I know I'm still behind most adults in that department. I''m average looking at best and, I'm totally serious, the other person could be a model. I'm really and truly not kidding, I have no idea why she's working in a doctor's office looking like that. She belongs in hollywood or someplace, while I'm really and truly, average looking is a compliment. I think that part of it fucked with me, there is always the chance though that I am still unrealistic about how I look and at 42 years of age, why should it matter anyway??? Gah I'm so sick of being me. Thanks again my friends.
 
I'm not the prettiest thing to look at either but ya know what? It doesn't matter because I don't want those who can't see past my exterior in my life any way!

He obviously sees things in you that he likes and admires. Trust him in this, who knows how he feels better than he does?

It IS a long, hard road to self acceptance. I've traveled that road. I've been physically, mentally, emotionally & sexually abused. I still find myself going down one of the side paths once in a while, those places where I know I don't need to go buy my mind insists on revisiting some old haunt any way

You will find your way.

If you want/need to PM feel free :)
 
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