Unplanned pregnancy in polyfi triad

justme22

New member
I have been in a polyfi triad for a little over 6 months. I am dating two people who are married and have been together several years before I knew them. Our relationship is pretty good, but we are just at the point of running out of NRE. This week, I found out I am pregnant. We have taken things very, very slowly sexually, and I think that makes it even more surprising to me, even though of course I knew it was possible. I know they do not want children, but we never discussed unplanned pregnancy. I need to talk to them about it asap, as I know if I decide to terminate I will want to do it before 6 weeks, but I really have no idea the best way. Should I talk to him first, if I do will she feel like I am keeping it from her? Should I just tell them tomorrow over dinner? I am so lost right now, and I think my biggest fear is what it will do to our relationship. We have weathered a lot, but nothing like this. I don't know what kind of advice I am looking for really, just something.
 

tenK

New member
I think in your shoes I would tell them both together. You're all in a relationship together, and this is a big piece of news. Maybe explain when you arrange to meet that you have something important to discuss so that they are at least a bit mentally prepared, but definitely tell them very quickly. You are all going to need as much time as possible to wrap your collective heads around this and come to a decision that feels right. Try not to be scared. Even though your relationship is fairly new, I'm sure you're not in the habit of dating unkind people, so I'm sure they will both be supportive.
 

portmanteau

New member
I think you tell them both together.

However, I'm of the opinion that no matter what he thinks or she thinks, you need to be the one to make this decision.

So, no matter how this conversation goes, I suggest you take a day or two and journal, run, listen to music, drive, paint, sit in nature, or do whatever it is you do to clear your head and get in touch with what you really want. It may be different from what they want in one direction or the other, and involved though they are, this affects you the most and you need to make the decision that is right for you.
 

opalescent

Active member
justme22,

What do you want hon? It's ok if you don't know. Do you want children at all? Do you want a child now? Can you raise a child alone if need be? (I really hope that is not the case if you want to keep the baby but something to think about.)

Do tell them together as others have suggested. And watch their reactions then, and their reactions later on. Those reactions - in the moment and after they have time to think about it - will tell you a lot about them and your relationship with each of them.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Tell them together.
 

JessicaBurde

New member
If you see yourself as being in a relationship with him, and she is his wife but not your girlfriend/partner/spouse, than speak with him and let him inform her.

If you see yourself as being in a relationship with both of them, then tell them both yourself. If you trust them not to gang up on you, tell them together. If you think they might try to team up and push for what they want before you've had a chance to work through your thoughts, tell them separately. If it is feasible/possible/reasonable tell them in person. If (for any reason, including your mental/emotional health) telling them in person is not a good idea, call them or send an email.


A few years ago I wrote a book on Polyamory and Pregnancy, including a section on handling unexpected pregnancy. It's up on Amazon, or send me a PM and I'll be happy to email you a copy.
 

WhatHappened

Active member
Perhaps it would be if people would quit being so surprised to find themselves pregnant after having sex. Perhaps it will be to someone else who reads it and stops to think maybe they better really take that possibility a little more seriously and think through if they really want to 'accidentally' make babies with people and in certain situations. :rolleyes:
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
Perhaps it would be if people would quit being so surprised to find themselves pregnant after having sex. Perhaps it will be to someone else who reads it and stops to think maybe they better really take that possibility a little more seriously and think through if they really want to 'accidentally' make babies with people and in certain situations. :rolleyes:
You don't know how the pregnancy happened. Birth controls are not a 100 % effective. Oral hormonal ones can be influenced by digestion, all hormonal ones can be influenced by medication, some people are very fertile - there are even cases of people getting pregnant on IUD. And even if they were careless with birth control this time, she is still in this pickle and you are not helping.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
You don't know how the pregnancy happened. Birth controls are not a 100 % effective. Oral hormonal ones can be influenced by digestion, all hormonal ones can be influenced by medication, some people are very fertile - there are even cases of people getting pregnant on IUD. And even if they were careless with birth control this time, she is still in this pickle and you are not helping.

I think that was WH's point....That no matter how 'careful' we are, short of permanent measures to prevent pregnancy, we can end up pregnant and should have considered that possibility before having sex. A valid point, but not particularly helpful or necessary on this thread.

To the OP, Good luck. I hope the conversation goes as smoothly possible and you arrive at the decision that is best for you. ((Hugs))
 
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Dagferi

Well-known member
I got pregnant after having a tubal ligation..

Nothing is 100%.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi justme22,

I agree with the others about telling both of them. I wouldn't do it over dinner, I would wait for a time when there are no distractions.

Perhaps you have told them? If so, how did it go?
With regards,
Kevin T.
 

nycindie

Active member
So, at only six months in (which is still a very new relationship), you have something major to deal with. Just wondering if you were using any birth control or not, and if not, why not. That being said, I would wait to tell them until after you've figured out whether you want to have a baby right now and to be a parent or not at this point in your life. Their reaction shouldn't influence what you want -- it's your body and your life -- but their reaction will tell you the state of your relationship and what kind of support you can expect. Things to ask: if you choose to abort, will they be there for you? If you choose to have the baby, will they help you parent the child? If they don't want to help raise the child, will they take responsibility financially?

You don't want to be raising a kid on Welfare, believe me, so if you choose to have it, make sure you have the means (income, savings, and physical help) to do it without them, just in case. And it will probably require ten times more money than you'd expect. Also ask yourself if there are any family members you can turn to, if this couple decides to bail.

I think you should be at least 90% sure about what you want to do BEFORE you talk to them, and yes I think you should tell them both at the same time (but perhaps not at dinner).
 
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Rennabear

New member
i would tell them together but you have to decide what you want to do first. My boyfriend and I weren't in the best situation when I became pregnant so he was is denial and less then thrilled when he found out I was having a baby. But he came around. I wanted to tell my girl friend( we are a triad) first because I didn't exactly know how to tell him but it kinda just came out. I told him in text... Bad choice. I regret not telling them together. For no other reason then I wanted it to be a special family moment. Good luck!
 
Doubtless all the talking has been done as I'm late to the conversation. But were it not, the first thing I'd recommend doing is to see a doctor or go to a planning clinic and confirm the pregnancy.

As to the rest of it, if you really are pregnant, bite the bullet and start talking. If you're worried about how they might react, it might be saying something about how you feel about the solidity of your relationship, and your standing in it.

Also, if you plan to terminate, do it. Their feelings on the subject are irrelevant. Hopefully they'll support your decision, but it is your decision to make.
 

Memorandum

New member
^I hope to all fuck that you are joking. That sounds so brainwashed in a "that's just what you do" mindset. Benefits my ass.
 
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