V hinge feeling Guilty

KessTheCatMage

New member
Hi, this is my first time posting and I am new to actual poloamory terms so if get something wrong I apologize.

I am woman in a V relationship with my husband, who I married T in 2018, and my girlfriend. This started in December of 2020 when I became involved in a sexual relationship with a close friend that evolved into a deeper relationship. K became my girlfriend with my husband's agreement. All three of us live together and its amazing most of the time. We all get along and we do a lot together the three of us, me with either of them and them without me.

K is free to see other people when/if she is ready/wants to but is currently trying to get her mental health under control. T has very high functioning aspergers and has been my partner since 2015.

The problem is with sex. I am the hinge and I often feel intensly guilty when I am with one or the other. I often feel I am having to choose between them. They are both very supportive and neither does or says anything that makes me feel guily. However, my job adds the most income to the household and I am the one in charge of keeping track if the finances for myself and my husband. So I am often very stressed and deal with both anxiety and depression as well.

This Sex Guilt Issue has led to some mental health issues and forced me to put both relationships on a break while I try to figure out what to do. My therapist and my mom both keep telling me I need to choose one over the other and break up with my girlfriend even though I love them both deeply.

I am really struggling to figure out what to do and how I can make this work because I really don't want to lose either of them. Has anyone had similar feelings or issues? How did you handle this?

I could use any advice anyone has to offer. Thanks in advance for reading and for any advice.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
1. Get a new therapist.

2. Sorry about your mom.

3. You mention sex and household financial management. One causes guilt, the other causes stress. You do the primary earning, could someone else manage the household budget? Would that lower your stress once you are satisfied that they are capable? They seem to both be comfortable when you are spending time/having sex with the other. Do you not take what they are both telling you at face value? Is this also a trust issue?

Just some food for thought.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you are struggling.

The problem is with sex. I am the hinge and I often feel intensly guilty when I am with one or the other. I often feel I am having to choose between them. They are both very supportive and neither does or says anything that makes me feel guilty.

What are you actually feeling guilty about? Because it sounds like all are consenting adults here, and neither partner has a problem with you having another partner. Sharing consensual sex with people isn't a crime. You aren't choosing between them. Sounds like you are taking turns spending time with each. Both seem content with the arrangement. So taking turns sharing your time with your partners in a V is horrible... why?

Are you able to articulate?

Are you thinking things to yourself that later leads to you feeling guilty? Maybe still working on losing monogamous conditioning?

Are you not enjoying having two partners?

Or is it that you thinking about whatever your therapist/mom say during or shortly after sharing sex and that is the source of the guilt? Because their values are not your values?

You can change therapists to one is who is poly friendly and will be more helpful as you adjust to this new change in your life.

And you can tell mom you won't be breaking up with anyone just because SHE thinks so. Your life isn't her life. If she's having a hard time accepting that you now have both a husband and a GF... that can be her issue and not yours. You don't have to break up with one of them to make your mom's problems easier.

Make sure you aren't taking on board other people stuff for yourself.

However, my job adds the most income to the household and I am the one in charge of keeping track if the finances for myself and my husband. So I am often very stressed and deal with both anxiety and depression as well.

Have you seen a doc and gotten a check up? Made sure the anxiety/depression are coming from something else?

Were you stressed about being the house money manager before December when this all started?

How long have you all been living together? Is that part of the stress? Got into cohabitation too soon? Does GF contribute her fair share to household expenses or is the stress from you having to cover a third person living there? Power/water bill went up? Grocery bill went up?

What about the money management is the stressy part? You don't have to give actual money numbers.

My spouse makes the most income here but it doesn't matter. All income goes into main, and then he pulls his allowance out. Then I pull mine out and "feed" all the other accounts.

As smart as he is in many ways, he stinks at money management. In our early years together it was a source of arguments, stress, and ugh. He would make a mess in our joint checking by spending and not telling me, not updating the checkbook register, or not giving me receipts. So I would think we had X, and then I come to pay bills and surprise! We actually have Y.

To stop the monthly arguing and solve it? I had to accept this is his blind spot. And I had to change our system and basically get him out of using joint. He can still write a check out of there for house bills if he really needs to in emergency, but as the house money manager I just do it.

He usually just sticks to his personal. We agree that he just uses his credit card if he does something for the house and I pay it off. I don't like systems disturbed and he too wanted to stop arguing about it.

Now there is this system
  • Main -- for fixed amounts like the mortgage. Which are on auto pay so I just have to check once in a while that all is well. They take care of themselves.

  • Flex -- for changing amounts like the groceries. Not always the same amount because it depends on what we get. That I just swipe at the store, so I know what's going on in that account.

  • His allowance -- for his personal things, hanging out with friends, etc. If he buys too much music or video games and goes broke in there? His problem. He can wait it out til next pay day or go sell off some of his stuff. His mismanagement is not messing up the whole household. Just him.

  • My allowance -- where I get to spend on my personal things, hang out with friends, hobbies, etc. I'm never broke in there.
We both get the same "allowance" but he's usually broke and I'm growing a nest egg for something cool. Maybe a big vacation after this pandemic is over.

Having him separated out so if he makes a mess it only affects him and not the whole house? MUCH better system, and no more arguments or stress. I know what we have, the bills are all on time, I can meet our financial goals in the way that I expect.

Maybe that gives you ideas for how to organize and reduce money stress?

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:

KessTheCatMage

New member
I'm sorry you are struggling.



What are you actually feeling guilty about? Because it sounds like all are consenting adults here, and neither partner has a problem with you having another partner. Sharing consensual sex with people isn't a crime. You aren't choosing between them. Sounds like you are taking turns spending time with each. Both seem content with the arrangement. So taking turns sharing your time with your partners in a V is horrible... why?

Are you able to articulate?

Are you thinking things to yourself that later leads to you feeling guilty? Maybe still working on losing monogamous conditioning?

Are you not enjoying having two partners?

Or is it that you thinking about whatever your therapist/mom say during or shortly after sharing sex and that is the source of the guilt? Because their values are not your values?

You can change therapists to one is who is poly friendly and will be more helpful as you adjust to this new change in your life.

And you can tell mom you won't be breaking up with anyone just because SHE thinks so. Your life isn't her life. If she's having a hard time accepting that you now have both a husband and a GF... that can be her issue and not yours. You don't have to break up with one of them to make your mom's problems easier.

Make sure you aren't taking on board other people stuff for yourself.



Have you seen a doc and gotten a check up? Made sure the anxiety/depression are coming from something else?

Were you stressed about being the house money manager before December when this all started?

How long have you all been living together? Is that part of the stress? Got into cohabitation too soon? Does GF contribute her fair share to household expenses or is the stress from you having to cover a third person living there? Power/water bill went up? Grocery bill went up?

What about the money management is the stressy part? You don't have to give actual money numbers.

My spouse makes the most income here but it doesn't matter. All income goes into main, and then he pulls his allowance out. Then I pull mine out and "feed" all the other accounts.

As smart as he is in many ways, he stinks at money management. In our early years together it was a source of arguments, stress, and ugh. He would make a mess in our joint checking by spending and not telling me, not updating the checkbook register, or not giving me receipts. So I would think we had X, and then I come to pay bills and surprise! We actually have Y.

To stop the monthly arguing and solve it? I had to accept this is his blind spot. And I had to change our system and basically get him out of using joint. He can still write a check out of there for house bills if he really needs to in emergency, but as the house money manager I just do it.

He usually just sticks to his personal. We agree that he just uses his credit card if he does something for the house and I pay it off. I don't like systems disturbed and he too wanted to stop arguing about it.

Now there is this system
  • Main -- for fixed amounts like the mortgage. Which are on auto pay so I just have to check once in a while that all is well. They take care of themselves.

  • Flex -- for changing amounts like the groceries. Not always the same amount because it depends on what we get. That I just swipe at the store, so I know what's going in in that account.

  • His allowance -- for his personal things, hanging out with friends, etc. If he buys too much music or video games and goes broke in there? His problem. He can wait it out til next pay day or go sell off some of his stuff. His mismanagement is not messing up the whole household. Just him.

  • My allowance -- where I get to spent on my personal things, hang out with friends, hobbies, etc. I'm never broke in there.
We both get the same "allowance" but he's usually broke and I'm growing a nest egg for something cool. Maybe a big vacation after this pandemic is over.

Having him separated out so if he makes a mess it only affects him and not the whole house? MUCH better system, and no more arguments or stress. I know what we have, the bills are all on time, I can meet our financial goals in the way that I expect.

Maybe that gives you ideas for how to organize and reduce money stress?

HTH!

As I read this I realized I am definitely dealing with some issues involving shifting from monogamy to poloamory. I love having multiple partners but I think I'm still struggling with changing my mindset. Your tips for money management really help too. I think I might set up another account for my husband to use for spending. That would definitely help my stress level a bit if I can get the finances a little more under control. Thinking on it, I think I've been devoting so much time to the two of them I've kind of neglected myself. I think that might be part of the problem.
 

Inaniel

Active member
I am a hinge as well. Over the years I have felt guilt over a lot of different little things, including sex and finances. I do not have a balanced sex life with both of my partners, meaning I have sex with one partner more often than the other. I think everyone felt a tad guilty about it, manifested in our own personal ways attached to each individuals insecurities. Time and counseling has really helped this aspect of my relationships.

If everyone is happy, do not let this opportunity go to waste. Given that you are not hurting anyone, it seems fairly clear to me that your guilt may be associated with the revision of deeply engrained mono-programming. It takes time.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I love having multiple partners but I think I'm still struggling with changing my mindset.

Well, hopefully pinpointing this is the source of some of the ugh will help some.

I think I might set up another account for my husband to use for spending. That would definitely help my stress level a bit if I can get the finances a little more under control

Some people are good with money, some are not. We don't all have the same skills. So maybe a separate acct for him helps reduce your stress. Talk it over with him.

Thinking on it, I think I've been devoting so much time to the two of them I've kind of neglected myself. I think that might be part of the problem.

Some newbie hinges think they have to be doing all this stuff or double work to keep the partners happy because the are the hinge that gets to "have their cake and eat it too." But really? You all consent to be here in this poly model. So... just be your normal self with a fair share of the work load and don't spread yourself thin on time management. Make space to REST.

All of you could take time out for your own selves. You don't have to have every minute of the day with a partner.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello KessTheCatMage,

It seems to me that you are having some mixed thoughts and feelings about whether polyamory is okay. Your husband and girlfriend are telling you that it is okay. Your mother and therapist are telling you that it is not okay. Internally, I suspect that your independent ideals are telling you that it is okay. Meanwhile, your monogamous programming is telling you that it is not okay. You do not know whom or what to listen to, so you are having sex with two partners on one hand, while at the same time feeling guilty about that on the other hand. You need to find a way to resolve the polyamorous question to your own satisfaction, and I don't think that has happened for you so far. The fact that you are turning to Polyamory.com for help, suggests that you are leaning into the "polyamory is okay" direction, but not enough to solve your dilemma. I think the bottom line is that you do not want to give up your girlfriend, and of course you do not want to give up your husband.

In my opinion, you are paying your therapist to give you wholesome advice, and instead, for that money, your therapist is giving you toxic advice. S/he is advising you to cut off one of your loved ones. I think that that would harm, not help you ... and it would harm whichever loved one you cut off. Heck it would probably harm whichever loved one you kept as well. It would be different if you had staunchly monogamous views, but I don't think you have those. As I said, your thoughts and feelings are divided on the subject of polyamory. So as the others are saying, I strongly feel that you need to get a different therapist.

Now your mom, at least you aren't paying her, but she's still giving you bad advice. You might want to consider limiting your interactions with her, to topics that don't touch on the fact that you have two partners. If you can't do that, at least stop sharing with her your conflicting thoughts and feelings about polyamory. You already know her opinion, she is strongly opposed to polyamory. You don't need to keep hearing that again and again.

The anxiety and depression you are experiencing as a result of your struggles to balance the family budget, are making it harder for you to figure out how you should feel about polyamory. GalaGirl has given you some really good ideas about how you can make it easier to balance that budget; I encourage you to take advantage of those ideas. I also want to encourage you to keep reading and posting in this thread and on this forum. I think it will help you to have polyamory, and polyamorous perspectives, become more familiar to you. To know that you are not alone in having polyamorous thoughts and feelings. That it is okay to think and feel that way.

Certainly, you have to expect me to favor the polyamorous side of your inner conflict. But you also have to consider that you have turned to this forum for help. That course of action, perhaps, can help point you in the direction that you, deep down, want to go.

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.
 

Coveny

New member
As I read this I realized I am definitely dealing with some issues involving shifting from monogamy to poloamory. I love having multiple partners but I think I'm still struggling with changing my mindset. Your tips for money management really help too. I think I might set up another account for my husband to use for spending. That would definitely help my stress level a bit if I can get the finances a little more under control. Thinking on it, I think I've been devoting so much time to the two of them I've kind of neglected myself. I think that might be part of the problem.

Let me start by agreeing with Evie: Get a new therapist. The one you have can't think beyond what they were conditioned to think.

On your mother: I expect your mother would understand that you could love two children at the same time, but she doesn't understand that you can love two adults? Don't get me wrong women sadly have to deal with stigmatism/reputation that guys seeing multiple female partners do not, and maybe that's what your mother is concerned about, but if it's consenting adults and everyone is happy she "should" be happy for you. Isn't your parent supposed to want you to be happy even if that happiness is unconventional? I was fortunate that my parents didn't give me much flake about poly, but I've known others who had a hard road to plow on that front. Parents wants what's best for their children, but they don't generally know their children that well so they try to impose their life goals and what makes them happy on their children, and that doesn't work so well. :(

I've found having individual accounts and joint accounts helps out a ton with the issues around paying bills. And for clarity that does NOT mean that everyone pays the same percentage to the joint account. It could change because one person causes more joint expenses, or because they make more money, regardless my advice is to come up with what you consider fair for matching funds to the joint account, and then making the payments consistent so that it's not something that needs to cause anxiety and stress. (almost all payroll direct deposits will let you deposit to more than one account, and even if they don't many banks will let you automate payments to external accounts... I've done both over the course of my life and they work well) When you separate the joint money, and what it's used to pay for it reduces a LOT of stress and anxiety in my opinion.

I haven't been in the poly community in many years but a saying they use to say a lot is "love is infinite, time is not". You need to understand that you have a finite amount of time, and you deserve to have time for yourself as well as both your partners. That is not selfish of you, make you a bad partner, or anything like that. Don't feel like you have to always be there or say yes, it's not true in a monogamous relationship, and it's not true in a poly one either.

This may seem a bit weird but I have autism and I'd like to become friends with your husband if possible if he'd be interested in talking to me. If he is just send me some contact information for his email or Facebook. (which I spend more time on than I should haha)
 
Top