Very new to it all

[crimson]

Hello Everyone,

I'm very new here. Exploring and going with what I have a strong drawing inside of me. I'm married and have been for just shy of 15 years. My husband currently has no idea of my thoughts although we have 'joked' about it and he had a dream that I had another husband living with us. He is not open to having another wife and we have talked about that he did not like the thought of it but I am interested in having another husband. Not sure how all of this could work but for a long time I have thought of all the benefits of having another husband. How it would help my current husband in all he takes on and how it would help the relationship between us while also (I'm sure) bringing new challenges but in a way, I feel like it would bring us closer together? perhaps. I plan to talk to him in the morning on a long car ride we are taking and see what reaction I get. We have a good marriage. We love each other am I crazy for even considering this? We have 6 kids at home and I have 4 olders from a previous marriage who have moved out started their own lives. Not sure what he might say and it may offend him when I tell him. He is very jealous. I may just be insane to think it possible in my life for it to work but who can blame a girl for boldly trying to follow what is in her heart?

 

[Lea]

I understand what you're feeling because I also really struggled with wanting more and dreaming about more and didn't know how to bring it up to my husband either, because what will happen if they take it wrong? Will you hurt your current relationship?

It is a lot to think about, but a lot of it comes down to how happy you are, because mine was degrading inside and looking back I didn't like the person I became.

Anyway, welcome to the forum! there are lots of resources here as well!

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings crimson,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope your conversation with your husband works out well; it sounds like you're on the brink of some big changes in your life. Polyamory.com is here to help, let us know of any questions or concerns you might have and we'll try to answer.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

No, you're not crazy. Foolhardy maybe.

Poly is hard to do with kids at home. They would each also need time to adjust to mom's bf.

No need for your h to get a wife just because you want a 2nd husband.

If you do start dating, you can visit your potential partners in public spaces, or at his place, or get a hotel room. No need to bring him home right away and force the family to deal. Eventually if he's a long haul runner, then he might visit now and then. If your h likes him, if the kids like him, and he likes them, he could spend more time with you all at home, or going out with a group. Or even spend the night occasionally. But moving him in could take years, if it ever happens at all.

Most poly women do not live with both their partners. I never have and I've been practicing poly for many years. I like my one on one with my anchor partner. We don't have kids here, so my dates are welcome to come visit, and even spend a night sometimes, but then they go the heck home.

There is a book called Polyamory and Children. Also read More Than Two, and Opening Up. Read them with your husband, once you broach the subject.

 

[kdt26417]

Can I ask, where/how can one get a hold of a copy of this book, Polyamory and Children? I can't find it on Amazon.

 

[Magdlyn]

Can I ask, where/how can one get a hold of a copy of this book, Polyamory and Children? I can't find it on Amazon.

I'm not sure, Kevin. I've heard polys with kids talking about it but I don't know where they got it.

 

[Tinwen]

Hello, and welcomme!
Did you have the talk? How did it go?

I hope you didn't actually bring such an emotional topic up while he was driving (sound dangerous to me). I think a quiet environment, where you can actually express yourself and also take a break from each other is best.

 

[crimson]

The talk

I had A 'talk'. At first mention of it, even though I mentioned it in a VERY casual and playful way there was burst of frustration and anger from him. We were laughing with each other and I said well maybe I need to find a second husband who could take some of strain off of the things you don't care to do.

Now this is very abnormal for my husband who is very laid back and gets angry over nothing. He in a very flustered state said YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD and do whatever it is you THINK you need to do. I was like whoa ok just mentioning it. So while nothing has been solved and the conversation completely ended there I've been a little reluctant to mention it again so far. He actually joked about it a few days ago saying there is where you could find another husband from.

He also, before I brought this subject up, had a dream where I had another husband and he had another wife but he did not want the other wife. He did not allow her to stay with us and he did not like spending time with her. The other husband I had was also married to the lady. He said in the dream that this guy was everything he was not and it made him mad. When he said that I asked him what he meant and it was mostly the guys hobby and taste because there are many things I enjoy that my husband does not. It made him mad that he was coming in our bedroom even though he had his own bedroom. The other wife lived in her own apartment. We joked about the dreams for days before I ever brought this up to him but sort of ironic he had this dream.

At this point not sure where this is going or if it's going anywhere. I tend to gently broach the subject again soon. Still hoping!

 

[crimson]

Thank You

Thank you everyone for the welcomes and Magdlyn Thank you for the book recommendations! I plan to check them out. I appreciate your insight and how you have done things. I know my older 3 daughters would be very open and accepting. My older son not so much. Have no clue how my 6 at home would react. We are a very tolerable and loving family. I have taught them to love everyone no matter what they choose or who they love but life is a bit different when you are in those shoes and faced with loved ones making alternative choices. Of course, this may or may not ever happen but hoping it will.

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry the one talk didn't go so well, I hope the next one goes better. Maybe your husband was just on edge for some reason at the time.