Walking a new path...

marksbabygirl

New member
After much discussion... some of it good discussion, some of it attacking/hurtful discussion.... Dh asked me today if I wanted to open up our relationship.

The smart-assed brat in me wanted to respond with "DUH"

Instead, I simply said "Yes, I would like to be able to explore possibilities that present themselves"

Funnily enough - there was a moment of "EEP" when he said HE was interested in exploring - but I understand where it comes from and can work through it. There are some insecurities on my part, but I know those are MY insecurities - and that as long as we continue to converse, and talk about the things that are important to us, we'll continue to grow together.

We have, at this point, set one major boundary.... our D/bg relationship will be OURS... no one gets that but me :)

Its an interesting journey we'll be taking... :D
 

foxflame88

New member
Good luck. (I would have wanted to respond with DUH too.)
 

marksbabygirl

New member
Thanks!

We've experience an "open" relationship before -we were into swinging for quite some time.... so the discussions and negotiations are familiar territory - there's just a few new issues that we need to work around that have come up in the last few years... :cool:

It makes it ... interesting :)
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Congrat MBG. Thats a good step. You have support up here if you wanna chat :) It was a pleasure meeting you both this weekend. We had a blast. :)
 

marksbabygirl

New member
Thanks Ari...

The conversation came about partly because of last night - he had a great time last night as well as did I.

Its going to be an interesting road... now to reign in my initial reaction to jump in the deep end with no life jacket... *snicker* :p
 

marksbabygirl

New member
still enjoying the path I'm walking on...

Talking to a number of people.... maintaining my "friends first" stance even though its oh-so-fucking-hard.... I'm a jump into the deep end of the pool and then see if I can swim type person. But this is important to me... its not just me to think about - its also my dh and my kids and I don't want them to get hurt.

In my head - anyone who comes into my life will be involved in my kids' lives and so I need to know that they are solid - that they are someone I want my kids hanging around.

I have been chatting with the him of a couple different couples - I'd like to chat with the her too -but for whatever reasons - we're not connecting as quickly.

I've been chatting with a single woman - she's great

I"ve been chatting with the her of a couple - she's great too - however right now she's hurting and I'm in "mama-bear-rescue" mode - I have a tendency to do that :p

Its been fun :D I'm enjoying myself immensely and to my dh's delight - I'm not obsessing over anything or taking an enormous amount of time away from my family.... who knows what will happen when I actually enter into a relationship :p

I'm having fun :D
 

marksbabygirl

New member
Had a conversation with someone the other day. Apparently the "typical" scenario goes something like this:

Man wants open/poly relationship.
Woman agrees (regardless of how that came about or how grudgingly)
Woman gets all the attention.

I've also (through reading this forum) seen the following:

Man wants open/poly relationship
Woman agrees (regardless again of the how)
Man has a new spouse.


SO not being typical - my story started out like this:

WOMAN wants open/poly relationship
Man finally agreed after MUCH conversation and assurances from woman.
Man finds someone he connects with.

Really? Can't I just do ONE thing normally???? LMFAO

He or she is out there -and I am THRILLED for dh that he's found someone he's connected with so well.

My life is a mass of contradictions and this is the latest irony :p
 

marksbabygirl

New member
I'm in pain, he's hurting because I'm in pain but I don't want him to have to deal with my pain because he's going through some amazingly good feelings and NRE. I'm thrilled for him.

I'm angry and hurting and pissed off and I don't know how to effectively express that - it has NOTHING to do with him or the relationship he's developing.

But I find myself making snarky remarks about it all - and that's not fair to him, because he's going through some really awesome stuff.

I don't know how to get my needs met without hurting other people right now. I'm effectively shutting things down and stuffing it behind walls. Someone hurt me, through thoughtlessness and insensitivity and I have yet to talk to this person, but it hurts M to see me in such pain.

I don't want him to hurt because I'm hurting, so I hide it.

Stupid fucking circle. I hate it.
 

Mohegan

New member
I know that circle well. I don't know how your relationship works, but for Karma and I we have learned we HAVE to talk to eachother no matter what the other is experiencing. Because if we don't, the pain and concern and wondering that comes with not knowing, takes from the other things in our lives. So we end up doing more harm than good by stuffing it all inside.

I hope you find a way through. Feel free to PM if you want to talk.
 

marksbabygirl

New member
Yesterday was so very freaking miserable and at the same time turned out to be so wonderful by this morning.

Dh is retired (young - he raises our children) and his new lady is home a lot as well. They get a lot of time to communicate. I may or may not get time to communicate with him during my work day depending on my work day, how much work I have to do and how busy my office is (after this I'm pretty much offline until I clear my desk - I think you may see me resurface around 4pm)

So at dinner - she texts him. Something sweet and lovely and designed to bring his attention and focus right back to her. Overall - I don't mind those texts - afterall - without that kind of communication - you don't build a loving romantic relationship. And she's my friend. So I'm really happy for both of them.

At any rate - something snapped. I said in a really nasty, sarcastic tone "Does she really think that THIS is an appropriate time to be texting that to you???"

Which started a motherloving fight.

He accused me of being jealous - I kept reiterating that I was MAD because it wasn't an appropriate time for that - not that I was jealous of it - but because she gets ALL DAY with him and I don't.

Yeah - I recognize now - with the help of a couple friends - that its jealousy - but not of the text or of her, per se.

He said some things to me which made me see red - really - he should know better than to push THOSE particular buttons - and we ended up retreating into strained silence. He managed to calm down, apologised to me for how he reacted to me and I, well I don't calm down as fast... and I stayed mad-ish. Silent. Irritated.

We went for a family walk. Did some talking. I gave him some things to think about - and since I get emails on my phone - I received some things to think about. I had hoped we would be able to talk more after the boys went to bed.

My brother and his wife were at our house when we got home. They stayed, chatting until 11pm. I go to bed between 10.30 and 11pm usually. Lately life hasn't been usual.

So they left and there was this ... distance between us. A horrible stressful uncomfortable distance.

I talked to him. Told me what I needed from him. He agreed. He said he would. And he continued to give lip service to it.

I asked him a very pointed question - to which he had a small lightbulb go off. Not that he changed his actions.

We went to bed, I was still feeling frustrated and that my needs were going to continue to go unmet - but I didn't want to be a nag.

I came out of the bathroom and explained to him how I understood those posts where the spouse is frustrated by the g/f or oso getting the romance and lovely gestures without having to ask, nag or do anything but be.... and she's just getting the day to day bills, the mundane, the crap and NOT getting the romance despite asking for it.

I told him that yeah, I was jealous. I was jealous because I REMEMBER that strong confident sexxy man who pulled me close and kissed me our first "date" when I first walked into the room - and how I MISSED that. I NEEDED that. I wasn't jealous because she's getting it, I'm jealous because she's getting it just for BEING and I have to beg for it.

He says he hears me. I said that I wasn't trying to hurt him, but he's been saying that all f'ing night. He says he's had an "aha" moment and that he GETS it. I said again... I'd been hearing it all night and that I will believe it when I see it.

And I have been seeing it. Last night, this morning, its been wonderful. I made a concious choice to do something I hadn't been doing in a while and I'm sure that contributed. Its not all him - I need to do some of the work too. But its been amazing for the last 10 hours.

I know we can work through this. He's my love - our 11th anniversary is on Saturday. We've been together for 12.5 years now. I hope... that this isn't a momentary blip.

But for now, I'm amazingly happy, not feeling insecure, not feeling afraid, and just loving him...
 

foxflame88

New member
Sometimes we must endure the struggles to appreciate the triumphs. ((hugs))
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Thanks for posting.

Might I make a couple of suggestions.

1 - Text her, you are friends with her and ask her to give you guys time. She likely doesn't know its a bad time ;)...her and I work and live different eating schedules for example. So we can have bad habits of communicating at different times. Late at night, mid way through dinner :p
2 - I don't think it is wrong of you to want time MBG. It may be rooted in jealousy but you still need time to connect with wellington nightly, I know I need that with Pengrah. Instead of bottling it up and exploding, maybe you should make up clear time frames and rules on your time to keep you comfortable.

Just some thoughts.
 

marksbabygirl

New member
Thanks for posting Ari.

I texted her about 10 minutes before you posted - I want to connect with her because she IS my friend as are you. And I know, or at least am coming to know that its OK for me to say "hey - this is what I need, how can we all work together to make sure no one is feeling left out here?"

There's a lot more to it - but I think it paid a large part in my meltdown on Sunday/Monday that I didn't feel like I was "allowed" to express my needs during "their" time. (all totally in my head - really I get in my own head and I am behind enemy lines)

This is a steep learning curve for me. And its not necessarily fun lessons for me but I understand that if its going to work for Wellington and I - I NEED to learn these lessons.

I thought the path was clear, maybe a few peices of deadfall I'd have to work through to go on this journey. Didn't realize I had so much underbrush I'd have to clear before being able to walk comfortably. :eek: :p
 

Ariakas

Bosun
I figured something like that was up and have mentioned it to her as well...btw.

That's the big weakness in texting. They may seem like they are spending a buttastic amount of time talking but they aren't. Considering how slow they both type, I bet they barely get through a full page of conversation ;)...it really isn't much in the scheme of things
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Ooohhh... is this what I suspected? Marksbaby's husband has hooked up with Ari's wife?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
My spidey senses were really tingling about that.
 
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