We are not all Unicorn Hunters!!

Malfunktions

New member
Originally posted to a diff forum but I moved it here too :)


Hey all,
Not normally a venter but I HAVE been jaded.

And no, before I start, this did not happen on this site. Everyone that I've met here has been the very bestest!

5 TIMES. that's the number of times I have been labeled a Unicorn Hunter.

My LTR and I have decided to add a third. I am bi. He is straight. So far yes, it's adding up to possible Unicorn Hunter alert status. But here's the kicker. We have no bridge to gap, perfectly content with each other. Lack nothing. Want for nothing. He wants to welcome another woman, I want to welcome another companion. No one knows a girl like a girl! Plainly put.
He's 33 and a VERY active sexual beast, LOL, and I'm a 27 year old with a submissive personality. Another woman will be able to satiate his prowess as I won't feel like a literally rubbing post HA HA HA HA HA.

The only way to approach this situation is with humour because there is nothing wrong here. But when we post that we're looking to date, to add, etc, we are met with criticism.

Reasons this irritates me:
1) We're looking for an equal companion
2) We have no idea what we're looking for so there's no list of best qualities or things we'd like to see.
3) We don't "shark" the bar scene.
4) We're NOT the Bonnie and Clyde of Polyamory. We're not looking to find the optimum and then corrupt and defile.

So that's pretty much it... Apologies if my thought process is all over the place and difficult to follow cause I refuse to proof read rants. Because when you proof read rants they become a methodical complaint.

Anyone feeling me? Sound off below!!!!
 

StudentofLife

New member
I do hear what you're saying. It can become very awkward very quickly, as I found out on another site, when a basic question I asked turned into a 3 page hassle between other posters (I jumped for safety and stayed out of that).

It's hard when you feel your motives are benign, and your desires within reason, and yet nothing you express seems to be conveyed clearly that way.

In some ways, I wish the famed communication skills of people living in polyamorous relationships transferred more completely to the internet forums. I belong to a forum dedicated to LGBT issues, and there seem to be far fewer communication breakdowns there, but I suspect in part that is due to the younger general age of members and the older people there really trying to support the kids.

Wish you the best!!
 

Malfunktions

New member
I just wonder why looking for a third is considered such a blasphemy? Why are people so quick to accuse someone of being that which seems to be distasteful? Is being successful in our relations a good thing? Can the world not be happy because we want to open up to another person? I don't understand why a seemingly simple request is considered bad. We want to love another, that is the direct definition of polyamory , is it not? The ability to love more than one person?

So frustrating sometimes.
 

StudentofLife

New member
Well, in some ways it has nothing to do with us. People who have gone before have created a certain dynamic that is viewed in a certain way, and we are just showing up at the end of the party and being told about what a huge mess there is to clean up. I try not to take it personally, since I have yet to have an actual polyamorous relationship. I know I didn't play a part in creating the mess, so to speak.

But there we are and there the mess is. And if we want to enjoy the space, we could pitch in and help clean up, I guess. Be sure to do things the right way, act responsibly and ethically. Trouble is, when that was your intention from the get-go, it's hard to be treated as though you walked in with poo on your shoe, scattering used beer cans, and spitting on the floor.

Is that kind of what you meant? Are we seeing this the same way?
 

Malfunktions

New member
The exact same

That's exactly what I am thinking as well. You couldn't have put it better! Thanks a lot, I feel much better that someone agrees with me. :D
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
My take (this link should take you directly to my comment, but if it doesn't just scroll down to the comment from "Anna M.", that's me): http://www.lovemore.com/blog/?p=1050&cpage=1#comment-28308

The problem seems to largely be one of different definitions, always a problem in subcultures. My impression is that most people would define unicorn hunters as an m/f couple seeking a bi woman to be with both of them (I would argue that the gender is irrelevant but thats neither here nor there). So, it'll probably be helpful to accept that you will be considered unicorn hunters by virtue of meeting that definition. What you seem to be arguing is not that you are not unicorn hunters, by that definition at least, but rather that not all unicorn hunters are acting in bad faith. Still, many women will avoid you because they *don't* want to be expected to get involved with two people as a package, for all the reasons I described in the comment linked above and more.

Personally, my question is always: what would you do if the person you're seeking, after some time dating, ends up only interested in one of you? Dump her? Or be ok with it? If the latter, I, personally, wouldn't class you as unicorn hunters per se (though, as I've been describing, others still well). It's the overemphasis on a particular structure that I find most problematic and most likely to break hearts and screw up lives.
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
Reasons a LOT of poly people have a problem with people dating "as a couple":

1) We're looking for an equal companion
What does this even mean? Equal in what ways? You've "decided" to add another. Okay. I'm going to assume best intent and figure you mean you decided to look for another. Fine. Will she have the same freedom to look for other partners that the two of you are currently exercising? Have you two made decisions for yourself about having kids? Will her choices have to align with yours? If she wants to have kids with him, is that okay? If she wants to have kids with someone else, is that okay?

Dating one-on-one is hard enough. Finding someone you are attracted to, that is attracted to you, where you fit together well in a relationship, is already monumentally difficult and takes TIME. When dating as a couple, you want him to be attracted to her, you to be attracted to her, her to be attracted to him, AND her to be attracted to you. What you are searching for is automatically at least FOUR times harder than what most of our society considers "typical" dating.
2) We have no idea what we're looking for so there's no list of best qualities or things we'd like to see.
In some ways this helps, in some ways it reinforces the perception of online people that perhaps you haven't fully thought this through. If you don't want to be labeled a "hunter" of the EXTREMELY rare set-up you appear to want, perhaps you should say you're OPEN to this type of relationship, not LOOKING for it. It seems like a minor difference, but it comes down to the difference between being interested in meeting people and getting to know them AS PEOPLE, versus having a pre-defined role you want someone to fit into. It's a little like the folks who trawl the dating scene for easy sex: one is always questioning if someone is interested in YOU or just what they can get from you.
3) We don't "shark" the bar scene.
I don't know what this means, so I can't speak to it. Does this have something to do with the idea of someone older/more experienced preying on someone younger/less experienced?
4) We're NOT the Bonnie and Clyde of Polyamory. We're not looking to find the optimum and then corrupt and defile.
Hopefully no one here made that assumption (I know, you said it didn't happen here) but the unfortunate truth is that far too many women who start dating and then living with an already established couple are used as a combination sex toy/housekeeper/babysitter. If that's not your intention? Great. People are still going to caution you about it to hopefully convince you to put extra effort into avoiding that scenario.

Finally, for those who open up a relationship, the expectation all too often seems to be that they're going to quickly find someone to make this great idea they had happen. It doesn't work that way. How long did you date before you met your husband? For myself it was years. And, as I said above, what you're looking for now is even MORE difficult to find and MORE rare than typical dating. So yes, those of us who regularly volunteer to give advice to people starting out get a little tired of the "we've already been looking for MONTHS!" complaint, and the "how do we find the right/perfect person?" question. There's isn't a magic way. There isn't a formula for how long it will take. All you can do is get out there, meet people, and be open to the possibilities, which scares the CRAP out of some people (understandably so!). Which is another reason why poly isn't for everyone, and also why some people just fall into it when they weren't even looking for it.

So if you're repeatedly being labeled a Unicorn Hunter, you have a few options: 1) assume they're all bitter and jaded themselves and ignore it. 2) think about if there's something in your approach that it sending that vibe and consider if there are any changes you could make in your approach. or 3) Own it. Accept that what you're looking for it extremely unlikely, but you're going to look for it anyway and IF you find it, AWESOME, and if you don't, you'll be fine as you are because as you said, there's nothing wrong with your current relationship.

Probably not the "sounding off" you were hoping for, but I hope you can understand where the "other side" is coming from sometimes.
 

Malfunktions

New member
"Another big problem is with the idea that the relationship must be closed. The existing couple gets to enjoy the deep, complex companionship of the settled, partnered, duo love they’ve built wih each other plus the rush of new love with their third, while insisting that the new partner only be with them and only experience love as the newcomer, the third, the most-disposable one (I hate to say it, but it’s true… in a major crisis, who would you prioritize, your partner of 10 years and the mother of your children or your new lover of 6 months?)."

Thank you. This is something we hadn't thought of.
 

Malfunktions

New member
Thanks:D

Thatgirlingrey, you've made some spot on points and everything is open to perceptions.
About the sharking thing- yes that it. We're 27 and 30 and do not troll the dance clubs looking for early 20's experiments.

We should be judged on who we are not on label misconceptions. We are completely aware of the IF factor being as our quiet little corner in Canada has probably never even heard of Polyamory before. They are still under the preconceived notions that anything more than M/F is cheating on the other/whoring around/or some uber strange sexual sadist fantasy. Yay for the Bible Belt.
 

Helo

New member
I haven't found single poly people to be THAT rare. Perhaps its because I'm a bit younger but they don't seem to be as scarce as people paint them to be.

Where I ran into trouble was being a relatively single poly guy. Single poly women are highly sought after, single poly men...not so much.
 

nycindie

Active member
Language, terminology, and how you express what you want is very important. If you went to other sites saying you want to "add" a woman to your relationship, as in "add a third," I think that might be one reason you have been called unicorn hunters. Whenever people say that they want to add a person to the relationship they already have, it comes across as objectifying the woman who will be "added," as if she is meant only to serve the existing relationship.

Think about it, you add a condiment to your main course to make it more flavorful, it is meant to enhance the food. So, seeking someone to add to your relationship makes it sound like they are only there to enhance it, but it doesn't sound like the relationship you have with that person would be as important as what she could give to you and your existing partner. It is terminology that conveys a sense of looking at your established relationship as the substantial part and another person as an enhancer, appendage, etc. She becomes an object in that perspective.

It would be different if you said, "I'd like a relationship with a woman and if she is open to being with my partner, and there is a mutual attraction there, we'd love that. But we don't expect it." When you say, "we want to add a third," it doesn't sound like the person is as important as what her role should be - THE THIRD. So, people call you out on that. And if any women who would be open to in that kind of arrangement come across your post, they think, "Ugh, not another unicorn hunter who wants me there just to make them both equally happy." If I were a bi woman open to being with a couple, and I read your sentence saying "Another woman will be able to satiate his prowess..." I'd roll my eyes and groan because that sounds like you just want a sex toy. I think that anyone who wants a respectful relationship, where the aim is to connect emotionally or on a heart level and be seen as an individual, would steer clear of you. So, think about what it is you really want and the impression you're making in asking for it.


For more insight: Added to, Joining In
 
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AnnabelMore

Active member
Excellent point, Nyc. One way to think about it is like this.

"We're looking for a third business partner to help us form a three-person corporation."
"Our two-person corporation is perfect and lacks for nothing (except someone with a better head for numbers, lol!), and we're looking to add a third person as an equal business partner."

Which one would be more likely to make you feel like you were actually getting in on the ground floor, actually going to have the opportunity to help steer the ship and see your vision play a major role, actually be *equal*, and which would be more likely to make you feel like the people who wrote it were actually just looking for an accountant? Honestly, I'd be wary of either offer... I'd much rather have someone say "Hey, I really admire your business acumen, and your accounting skills aren't bad either. I'm sure you've got your own things going on, but if you ever want to work with either of us in any way, let us know! We may be interested in starting a side venture or two, or we even be open to expanding the corporation some day if over time we found someone's vision complemented our own well."

Compare:
"We're looking for a third romantic partner to help us form a triad."
"Our dyad is perfect and lacks for nothing (except someone with a stronger sex drive, lol!), and we're looking to add a third person as an equal romantic partner."
 

StudentofLife

New member
An excellent article

Malfunktions,

I've been doing some reading and thought you might find this article of use. I've snipped some key parts (key for me) and put them here, as well as a link to the entire article.

This was written by Edward Martin III, and is found at his website Welcome To The Petting Zoo.

When “always”, “never”, “everyone”, “no one”, or other such sweeping statements appear in a discussion, it is usually a sign that the usefulness of discourse has stopped, at least for now.
Too much effort is spent refuting that which shouldn’t even be coming up in the first place. Plus, it distracts from the real issue being discussed when all sorts of useful energy is spent saying “No, not everybody think’s you’re a taco.” It’s perfectly fine saying “A lot of people seem to think I’m a taco.” and still get the point across without forcing the discussion into the Theory Of Blinders.

If there is a charitable interpretation, it should be used. In other words, use an interpretation that most directly leads to the desired outcome.
The biggest hurdle here is ego. The more you have invested in the state of conflict, the less likely you are to accept an interpretation that denigrates that energy expenditure. Keep the goal of the discussion in mind and consider interpretations of events that lead more readily to that goal. Of course, it helps to agree upon a desired outcome, first. That can be an adventure in itself, but can also lead very quickly to the end of the trouble, too.

Sometimes a person chooses the wrong words. This is forgivable, especially if they try to find the right ones once they realize the error. The usefulness of a discussion is directly proportional to the allowance of this margin of error.
Especially in the heat of the moment, a person can use words that were unintended or that were not useful, helpful, or kind. As long as you focus on the goal of the discussion, then recovery from such accidents is fairly painless.

If any one person in a discussion hasn’t spoken in more than five minutes, chances are, it’s not a discussion anymore.
Unless you’ve accepted payment to give a lecture, stop giving a lecture. It is perfectly acceptable to stop talking when you realize this and say “I didn’t mean to hog the floor. Sorry about that.” It is also perfectly acceptable to accept this as sufficient apology and move on. This is easier to enforce when you both need a mechanical device to speak. Then, you just start with one device and set a timer on it.


The entire article link http://www.petting-zoo.org/2012/05/23/on-civilized-discourse/

There definitely seems to be an art to navigating online discussions with grace and tact. I wish I'd gone to college and studied debate and logic, and whatever other techniques would serve me well. But I thought this article at least made some good points.:)
 
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undefinable

New member
Excellent link Student! Looking from a purely communicative point of view, this topic is a mess. There are too many interpretations of various scenarios, and so much gets lost on a posted message. Inflection and body language make up a huge portion of conversation, and they dont have any real way of translating onto a page effectively.

NOTE I am not calling out anyones message as insincere, and not trying to instigate with this next point. Just using it to illustrate a point about comunication in a forum.

Even within the very small thread, there is the possibility of a miscommunication, with Bellas post

Yes, it must be difficult to not look like a unicorn hunter.

Tough one indeed.


If said in normal conversation, this is a simple acknowledgement of the difficulties faced by the OP. If said sarcastically, it means the exact opposite.

I found the link you provided to be extremely useful.
Tim
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Yeah, on the topic of tone, I just wanted to say that I hope you haven't felt attacked, Malfunktions -- you came here looking for support and I, along with others, have provided counter-arguments instead. It's not meant to be personal at all, though, this is just an issue I've thought a lot about.
 

Malfunktions

New member
Oh not worried at all, I happen to take criticism very well, and I do agree that wording could have have been better on my part.
I definitely see everyone's points and are taking this all in :)

I do not feel attacked at all. I am learning :)

I do, however, feel the need to re-word the "fulfilling his sexual prowess" part.
I must stress that a sex toy is not what I meant at all lol
He is a hypersexual and I guess I'm, well, not ha ha

I've reviewed the link and have learned a lot. Actually I read it aloud to C :)

I also want to say that I don't want to date together because, Couples have couple dynamics and like things "together" that they don't like individually. Like together we like to go to certain restaurants because its a midway between our preferences but singularly I go to diff restaurants cause I have my likes in food that he doesn't, like sushi. :)
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Glad to hear we haven't been too off-putting. :D

May I, then, ask the question that, as I mentioned above, is what usually comes to mind for me?

What would you do if the person you're seeking, after some time dating, ends up only interested in one of you?
 

Malfunktions

New member
I believe we'd hit that road eventually and I can't tell the future though I do have an idea that if they are more interested in him then I'd just move on and find someone else. I'm not overly clingy nor am I particularly jealous. He, however may take offence to that but as I said, I can't tell the future. Maybe he'd do the same? Maybe he'd develop a problem with it but I'd deal. Nothing's THAT hard. Or at least I don't think so.
Maybe that shows my level of direct intimacy but I can switch channels better than any remote should I need to.
 
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