What are tips you would give to somebody who is new or unsure about polyamory

Arian

New member
Tips for somebody who is new to the idea, new to poly relationships, or unsure about whether its for them? I don't know anything about it really, outside of how I don't think I would be against being in a poly relationship, but I don't know enough to really understand.
 
A good question to ask yourself is how would you feel if someone you loved also loves another person. Because polyamory isn't just about loving multiple people yourself, but being good with them having other relationships (not usually with each other) too. Especially if you have a partner who has different relationship values or needs. You may only have some overlap between you and they may have some different and some similar overlap with other people they love.

What do you value in your future relationship/s? What makes you fulfiled in a relationship that makes it worth not being single, because being single is pretty awesome.

You might like to read Designer Relationships for a critical look at a variety of relationship styles.
 
Start learning basics with books and podcasts. This forum is a good way to read the difficulties that can come up, but keep in mind that being poly from the start of a relationship is vastly different than starting monogamously, then transitioning. So posts that share that quality aren't as representative and have different issues, especially in the opening-up process.
 
We all respect each other's needs. This goes beyond the bedroom. If you're just getting into being poly just for the sex you're not doing it right (in my opinion).

Keep  everybody in the loop. This doesn't mean sharing things are meant to be secrets. It's more like... I can't describe it well. Let me use a recent example. Chance recently lost a friend to suicide. I had him staying at my place for about a week so I could keep him safe. We had very deep, personal conversations about it.

Josh wanted to have a quickie with me during this time. I told him I was with Chance and he needed me more, because he lost a friend to suicide. I didn't go into fine details, but I gave Josh enough info to help him understand. Josh was disappointed, but respected Chance's needs and my own.

Also: We all know about each other. Everybody knows about the others, even though we're never all in a room together. I keep each partner up to date on the others' lives (without divulging anything too personal). I don't make it a point to be anal about telling them all a thousand details, but I might tell the others if one of them got a job or went on a trip or got sick or something. Each of them regularly commonly asks about how life is going for the others, especially if one of my partners is suffering.

Sometimes I go to one of them for info to give another one in their areas of expertise Pat is a psychic when it comes to cars, Chance has some medical knowledge, and Josh is a wizard with computers and electronics. So if Josh's car is acting funny, I ask Pat and I write his suggestions in a text to Josh.

I hope I haven't droned on too long here... I could probably come up with more, but I've already given you a wall of text to read lol

Ask me if you want to know more! I have known I'm poly for less than a year, but I've been practicing polyamory for almost 20 years. I'm an open, blunt, straightforward person. I used to write adult fiction. You can't freak me out lol No topic is off limits!
 
We all respect each other's needs. This goes beyond the bedroom. If you're just getting into being poly just for the sex you're not doing it right (in my opinion).

Keep  everybody in the loop. This doesn't mean sharing things are meant to be secrets. It's more like... I can't describe it well. Let me use a recent example. Chance recently lost a friend to suicide. I had him staying at my place for about a week so I could keep him safe. We had very deep, personal conversations about it.

Josh wanted to have a quickie with me during this time. I told him I was with Chance and he needed me more, because he lost a friend to suicide. I didn't go into fine details, but I gave Josh enough info to help him understand. Josh was disappointed, but respected Chance's needs and my own.

Also: We all know about each other. Everybody knows about the others, even though we're never all in a room together. I keep each partner up to date on the others' lives (without divulging anything too personal). I don't make it a point to be anal about telling them all a thousand details, but I might tell the others if one of them got a job or went on a trip or got sick or something. Each of them regularly commonly asks about how life is going for the others, especially if one of my partners is suffering.

Sometimes I go to one of them for info to give another one in their areas of expertise Pat is a psychic when it comes to cars, Chance has some medical knowledge, and Josh is a wizard with computers and electronics. So if Josh's car is acting funny, I ask Pat and I write his suggestions in a text to Josh.

I hope I haven't droned on too long here... I could probably come up with more, but I've already given you a wall of text to read lol

Ask me if you want to know more! I have known I'm poly for less than a year, but I've been practicing polyamory for almost 20 years. I'm an open, blunt, straightforward person. I used to write adult fiction. You can't freak me out lol No topic is off limits!
Beautiful!
 
Poly really isn't for everyone. Dont try to wedge a relationship style in if it doesn't fit. There are a lot of difficult pitfalls that even us tenured folks still struggle with. That is the greatest tip I can give. The work involved can be completely overwhelming for some especially if their cup is full with other things.

Poly inevitably favours the least busy (in a lot of cases), simple facts. This can create its own imbalances.

With poly you can expect to negotiate a lot. Whether its for time, connection etc. It really doesn't stop and not everyone is good at compromising. So walking in knowing you might need to give to keep stress levels down is possible.

Side note to communicating, if you or the person you are with don't find safety in communicating then poly will be a struggle. Things going unsaid, are usually the things that cause pain and chaos.
Relationships shift and evolve. I have been doing this far too long now and this is one I will never get used to. Especially as I feel I am aging out of my community. My partners evolve their relationships, these evolutions can cause partners to feel excluded. Even structures you think you have in place break down. I am watching the polite deconstruction of my triad and while we are all still friends, I think the lovers part may be over, moving me more into a hinge. And to be clear, this wasn't because of any drama, its just flowing that way. THAT's hard to watch. (and yes this causes sadness and loss).

Not everyone feels compersion. Learn this now, and accept t it. I don't feel compersion, it is not the opposite of jealousy, which immediately implies if you don't feel one, the feel the other.

Not everyone wants their relationships to be shared. So have clear boundaries with each. I personally get super wigged out hearing details of the other relationships, especially sexual exploits. That's one of my personal boundaries.

Some people need sex to find love. Some people need love to find sex. Accept that fact as well. I have discussed this point a lot with folks. I am a sexual person, I enjoy poly because I enjoy sex. I have said "I Love you" to a handful of women in my life. I am clear about how I operate in relationships, but some folks need love first. Its hard for me to interoperate effectively with the love first crowd.
NRE can be treated like a drug. Folks running for NRE all the time. It can also be an incredibly disrespectful process when NRE stands above all other relationships. NRE isn't inherently a bad thing, its fun and enjoyable, but it needs to be moderated by adults. People who drop their responsibilities because of NRE are doing a disservice to the other relationships.

No matter how long you do it... feelings still happen.. no matter how comfortable you are.. feelings still happen. Change happens in a forever state.

Best of luck
 
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