What happens "someday"...

[worldwithoutgrudges]

I know there's no catch-all answer for this, but I'd certainly appreciate some advice and insight.

I'm completely head over heels for my two boyfriends: John, whom I've been dating for nearly two years, and Bob, who I've been with for about six months They're friends and totally on board with all of this.

We're all graduating college soon, and like you do at that point, we've started thinking about what's happening after this. Increasingly we've been talking about how the general ideal "someday" plan would involve us all living together. I'm naturally thrilled with the concept, but it's never really that simple. I obviously can't marry them both. Its pretty likely John and I will get married someday, and I don't know how to keep up the wonderful sense of equality we're developing if that happens.

Has anyone else started a relationship where all partners are "equal" (at least in the eyes of the law) and then married one of them? How did you both work it out with your third?

Also, how on earth do we explain this to our families?

Either way, Bob is put in a very interesting position: explaining that his girlfriend is married, or that his girlfriend has another boyfriend, and none of them are marrying either of the others.

I know its kind of silly to worry about something so far off that it might turn out to be a non-issue, but I'm curious.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm curious why you want to marry one over the other when you love them both equally? Of course, everyone sees marriage differently, but in my case it was a way of saying "I might love other people, but you'll always be my #1."

Beyond that, I don't see any reason to make plans right now for "some day." You're young. You have the rest of your life for "some day" to come. In the meantime, it's important to enjoy life. Your heart, and your boyfriends' hearts, will tell you all what to do when the time is right.

 

[redpepper]

I have two primary loves. I consider both equal, even though I live with PN and we've been married 10 years. My bf Mono doesn't live with us, but is just as big a part of our family as any one of us in the main house are. We raise a child together. PN and I have other outside loves and relationship dynamics going on. Mono doesn't, as he is monoamorous.

If I were to be in your situation, I would marry both of them in a ceremony that we create. I don't invest much in legal issues when it comes to love. It isn't the government's or the church's business, as far as I'm concerned.

As for family, I personally would invite them to the ceremony as you see fit. Invite those that would appreciate the sentiment and joy you three have. Anyone else would just bring negativity and judgment. Of course, you could put it out there and let them decide, provided they come with love in their hearts, not hatred.

I'm not a big fan of living together, personally. I think that life is stressful when you live together. Why add that to a perfectly good relationship just because we think we are supposed to live with those we love? There is nothing I enjoy more than going to my OH (other home) and relaxing with Mono without laundry to do, the child around, dishes, cleaning, phone ringing, in-laws and family showing up. It's not worth it.

I don't get the whole living together is cozy and snuggly family stuff. Family is what you create. It's a mindset that suits those in it. If it isn't working, change it, not because society says so, but because YOU say so. What the hell. You are already making your own boundaries for your unconventional relationship, so why force societal laws on that that don't necessarily fit? If they fit, great. If they don't, change it, is my motto.

 

[worldwithoutgrudges]

The idea of living together really just seemed natural more than like something we "should" do. B. and I are both in fraternities and J. is close to mine even though hes not a brother since he goes to a different college. Community living in general is kind of an interest of ours

Again, I realize its kind of a silly thing to worry about now and I'm sure we'll work it out when the time comes but I'm interested in seeing how other people make it work.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Welcome

Hi WorldWithoutGrudges - and thanks for sharing with us !

Not sure where you are from and that might have some bearing on what choices you consider from the legal side.
Your questions are very valid ones and I give you big kudos for thinking ahead logically into the future.
Although other may feel differently, my outlook on 'marriage' has always been that it's little more than any other legal contract. And because of the old historical model embraced by government and the court systems there is still total bias towards the two person household.
So you have to approach things logically in regards to the legal implications - be they tax status, insurance, parental rights etc.
One concept that seems to be gaining in popularity is the formation of LLCs. Along with this can be legally binding contracts spelling out rights & responsibilities for things like parental issues, survivorship rights, property issues etc. Unfortunately this can't cover ALL the bases at this time due to current government bias but it can probably cover 95% ! You may want to study this before you even consider classical 'marriage'.
Maybe someone here who has gone further down that path will have more insights.

Good luck !

GS

 

[polytriad]

If I were to be in your situation I would marry both of them in a ceremony that we create. I don't invest much in legal issues when it comes to love. It isn't there business or the churches as far as I'm concerned.

As for family, I personally would invite as you see fit. Invite those that would appreciate the sentiment and joy that you all have. Anyone else would just bring negativity and judgment. You could of course put it out there and let them decide. Provided they come with love in their heart and not hatred.

I totally agree. I feel like if I wasnt already married having a ceremony that was special to us is how I would do things. Once we get to that stage in our relationship we will have a ceremony and it will be exactly as redpepper described except my wife and I would be giving ourselves to our sweet sweet nikki and her to us. It will be under our collective terms and we will make it our own. As far as the legal stuff there is POA (power of attorney) Trusts and wills there are so many legal things you can do to protect yourself and give your partners what they need to have legal say so for you and vice versa you just need to find a good lawyer a polly lawyer would be best

 

[saudade]

A similar thread...

worldwithoutgrudges, my partners and I are actually in a similar spot, and probably just a couple of years older than you are. I asked a similar question in the general section. Here's the link:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=23128#post23128

I hope this helps with some of the things you're thinking about.

~S