What have I gotten myself into?


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If you keep blowing off your friend, you know the one who you think should be ok being stood up or second shelved because they know you just a lot stuff going on? Repeatedly!! Afterall they know you love 'em. (you proclaim it in text messages every day) <3 They know you have hang ups but they show you love unconditionally, so it will be ok.

You better start treating them with the same respect you want to be given. Or they will stop trying to make you feel important. They’ll give up, or maybe they will start feel all creepy & stalkery. They may still love you, but they will start to realize that they aren’t that important to you.

Unless, of your course, you have been trying to give them the hint. In that case I guess you will be relieved when they finally take it.

Either way.

You know I am venting right? The sarcasm didn't give me away did it? <3
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If it is this hard, them maybe it is not working.

Just talked to Bear ( We finally have a pet name for each other). It was hard to get up the courage. I called her this morning and chickened out. Sent her a text an hour later that just said, "I need to talk." She called me immediately which made me feel better, at least she places some value on our relationship because I was starting to feel that she didn't.

Then forming the words into cohesive sentences as I start to tremble <nerves>.

Making plans with her is difficult. She stood hubby up last night, well sort of, she kept in touch with him and let him know she might not make it. But this is seeming like a habit. Which, in turn, makes me feel like our relationship is not that important or that she doesn't really want a relationship at all or that she is not getting what she needs and since she doesn't tell me I can only wonder. I finally told her that.

Why was that so hard to say? I think all three of us are standing in uncharted water, up to our knecks. And I don't want to drown. I don't think the problem is solved, I am still not sure that any of us knows what it is. But I think we all have our buckets out and ready to work on it. Maybe we are clinging to tightly to our life jackets.

I told her that I am perfectly happy if she and hubby spend time along together, I encourage it and embrace it. And if she wants more she can have it. Her response was that her relationship is with both of us. I told her I saw it differently, her relationship with him, my relationship with her, my relationship with him and the relationship between the three of us. I don't think that she realizes that I see things this way. The reason I brought it up is because I do believe that she holds back on her relationship with hubby so as not cross any boundaries with me. She respects me. She said she needs to talk with hubby now and she will call me later.

Being a bi woman, I think that my passion for my man is just as important as my passion for her. I need time with him alone (and I get plenty of it). I think alone time between him and her is just as important. I want her to have it and enjoy it to the fullest. I don't always need to be (or want to be) in the middle. I think the triad relationship as whole would benefit from a strong bond between the two of them. This is only my opinion and they may disagree. Is it possible that we will become a V with me as the hinge? Well anything is possible. However, I do believe that she wants him and is in love with him.

He has suggested that they make plans to be alone, but she told him to "go home and (blank) your wife. I think that statement screams loudly that she is uncomfortable about it. I just don't know why, and I hate guessing. On the other hand, they have had some time alone when he picks her up and they are driving between houses and they have had some shopping trips together. I know she has enjoyed it because she has openly told me that she "had so much fun hanging out and just having with him" after their day of getting hair cuts together and going shopping. No hubby is not gay and he has never gone for haircuts with me.

I think it boils down to the appearance of infidelity. They both somehow think if they have a night together without me it is some form of cheating. Although they have had sex while I was in the shower, I heard them when I got out and I just turned on the blow drier for a while. Another time while I was cooking breakfast for the family and they were have a lazy morning. But again I am still in ear shot so they aren't really alone.

It is easier for us two gals to have a very special love just between the two of us. I think it is less complicated because neither one of us think we are stepping on his territory, she thinks she is stepping on mine. Hubby worries about how I feel way too much also. I want this this to work for all three of us and if I didn't want them to be able to have a complete relationship with each other, I wouldn't be doing this. No one needs to be short changed here.
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Wow, what a day. I don't think this is gonna work out. Makes me sad.

When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.
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I can imagine it is very sad to be under the impression that things may not be working. It sounds like you are communicating your feelings clearly within your triad. Just keep up your communication with both of them. It sounds like she is not being completely open about her feelings. Hopefully you all will grow from this experience and everything will work out.
My Dad's Voice

I have been having a hard time being poly lately. I remember longing for it, I remember embracing it. I recently broke up with my girlfriend (about 10 weeks ago. I had to stop loving her. She turned out to be someone who lacked some necessary boundaries. My children were affected. That is really the major problem for me now. I am sick about it. My kids were hurt by my decision to bring another lover into my life. I find myself hearing my fathers voice telling me, "Well you are living a life of perversion and you made this happen with your choices..... If you followed God's laws this wouldn't have happened". In a away, he would be right.

I miss her. I miss what we had, or what I thought we had. It was one the most beautiful times of my life. I was so happy. I want that beauty in my life again. At what expense?
I always assumed this relationship wouldn't be the same forever. I knew that eventually she would move on. But I also believed that it wouldn't be the end, it would just be different. I thought that we would always love each other and be a part of each others lives. I imagined being a part of her life, not a major part but we would talk from time and she would tell me about some of her happy times and her sad times and I would be happy or sad with her. And vice versa. What an amazing love I had. It is really a shame that things turned out the way that they have.

I suppose that is why I want to remain open to the idea of dating again. Hubby keeps telling that it isn't the wrong choice to love another, she just wasn't the right person. "Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs.....".

I know he is right. But I feel responsible for not protecting my children. Well, who knows how old my kids will be when/if I ever find someone I am interested in again. Maybe just shouldn't worry about it for a while.
What was the impact on the kids, if I may ask?
I am concerned about saying too much on a public forum on the internet. Let's just say that what she did is considered a crime. My son is 16.
Well, I had a suspicion. She had started tickling him and rough housing with him. I asked her what the nature of the relationship with my son was. She smiled and said, "Oh please don't worry about anything like that. He reminds me of my little brother and I miss my family [her hometown is about 1500 mi away] and he just makes me think of what hubby must have been like when he was young. I love him like a little brother."

A few days later I had to go out of town for a week. A few days after I returned I overheard my 2 boys fighting, the younger one [14] told his big brother to go away and leave him alone or he was going to tell mom and dad what big brother and my gf were doing. Big brother became very angry and shoved l'il bro's desk over and went off angrily to his room. I cannot describe the pit in my stomach. They had no idea that had overheard anything.

I waited a few minutes and went to l'il bro's room and started helping him clean up. As we were putting things away I told him I had heard what he said and wondered if he would tell me what he meant. With hesitation he told that he heard something. When I asked what he heard he said he could hear them doing it. (My God, who knows how long he would have carried this secret with him). I said what exactly did you hear? He said he could hear the sex noises coming from big bro's bedroom and she was in there. I didn't push for any more details, this information was enough for me to know that it was time for her to leave my family.
I don't have to tell you this could be a pretty big deal...right. Have you had a talk with the 16yr old and did he know you were having sex with this girl prior?
I'm so sorry Polly, what a terrible shock and violation of trust. Your ex-gf has major problems and should seek help. :( :(

But you couldn't have known. You are not to blame. Many women who've lived perfectly "normal" lives -- hetero, mono -- have had to deal with the awful reality of their partner trying something with their kids. Sometimes people are just damaged. It doesn't mean that what you and she had wasn't real, just that there was a damaged side to her you didn't know about. You did the right thing by cutting her loose right away. As sick as it makes me to say, not every woman in your position does the same...
It is a very big deal. Yes, he has been aware of our relationship for a while. I am sure he feels ashamed. But, and maybe I am naive, I don't blame him for this. He had actually come to me a few times and told me that he didn't like her, that she was causing to much drama and he didn't want her around anymore. I asked him what he meant and he would just say that we, (dad and I) were different now. We were different, but there was no unusual drama. Certainly there was the occasional misunderstanding or something, but not ever a big deal.

Hubby and I decided that we didn't want to make a huge deal out of the break up or the reason behind it. So we just simply told her that it wasn't working and listed some legitimate things but did not mention that we knew as we did not want her saying anything to the kids. Big brother didn't even know we knew. She was terribly hurt and told me that I was the worst person that she had ever known. It took every ounce of restraint that I had not to scratch her eyes out. We had a great deal of her stuff stored at our house for her as she had had to downsize to a smaller apartment. So we arranged for her to come over and get it. Her anger with me and hubby was evident while she was here getting some stuff she was saying some pretty crappy things. At one point I saw big brother walk over to her and quietly say, you had better not mess with my family or I will burn you down. I knew what he meant, even though neither them that I knew. She then actually proceeded to physically shove him and scream crazily at him. At this point my adult son stepped in and told her to back the eff off.

At the end of the following day, big brother commented on what great day it had been because it was so stress free. I took this as an opportunity to talk to him. I asked him why her presence had caused so much stress for him He did admit something had happened and in very few words told me that she had put a lot of pressure on him, repeatedly, over time. Essentially she wouldn't give up, and he is a 16 yr old boy [who I believe was a virgin]. It became all to clear to me why the age of consent laws are in place. I could sense his anxiety, I recognized it from my youth and having boys and a few perverted old men try to convince me that I wanted it when I really was freaked out by their advances.

I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't want to cause any drama. He was protecting me from my heart being broken.

Once she and all of her things were gone and there was no longer any reason for either to contact each other I sent her an email and told that I knew about everything and that she had better not even attempt to contact my son in any way, even if he contacts her first. She of course denied it, in the same sentence she also said that the their feelings were mutual. That all she was doing in his room was helping him with homework. Then she later told me that she had retained an attorney. What ever that is supposed to prove. Anyway my son did show me the proof of the naked pic's she sent him, but he didn't want to go to court, but if he needed to he would divulge everything.
Wow, it sounds like you handled things with amazing sensitivity.

I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old) but cases like this are exactly what they're designed for. Teens who are ready for sexual activity should get the chance to experiment with a peer.

Your ex is either delusional or completely amoral. :( I'm sure you'll continue to be very alert and careful, just in case she does anything crazy.

It sounds like your son is very strong, despite the manipulation he fell prey to. I think he will be ok.
Annabelle your words a very comforting. Thank you. I keep telling myself that while I don't the "normal" boundaries in my marriage it doesn't mean that I have no boundaries. What consenting adults do is one thing. What she did is completely different. When I saw the anger and rage he had towards her (which he was finally able to show when she was here gathering the last of her things) I knew that he had been carrying the anger around with him.
I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old) but cases like this are exactly what they're designed for. Teens who are ready for sexual activity should get the chance to experiment with a peer.

I used to think that. Then had someone close to me reveal that they were orally-sex raped by a 17 yr old when they were 12. To much time passed, and not a damn thing they could do about it.

pollyshari :

I am so sorry to read what you and your family have been through. :(
I think you handled it with a level of class, most people wouldn`t be able to find in their pain and sadness.
I also think the lesson you have taught your son ( by getting rid of this woman immediately.) will help him as an adult more then you can ever know right now.

Cyber hugs.
I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old)

I used to think that. Then had someone close to me reveal that they were orally-sex raped by a 17 yr old when they were 12.

Two years and five years are vastly different amounts of time when you're a teen. Five years is far from "slight" at that age. And rape is rape is rape even if you're the same age.

I'm sorry about what happened to your friend. I had a couple of close calls as a young teen (inappropriate camp counselor, young adult male who pretended to be my friend and then almost assaulted me) but I'm extraordinarily lucky that I managed to get away without being harmed.
I guess I'm ok with pointing out the obvious sexism here. If a guy did this to a 16 yr girl everyone would want his head on a pike ...me included. Why?

Whats next for the boys? You may want to talk to a therapist and layout what happened and find out the possible problems and what to look for down the road.