what is is all really about??

moonandstars

New member
I am new on this forum and just need some feedback and maybe new reflections. Tell me if you had similar experiences. i read some of the threads, and found out that beginners DO have problems. This is part of my story, and it is very long, sorry and thank for reading through it anyways :)
I am finding myself thinking and thinking more amd more about my husband's way of being/becoming polyamorous. We are both very new to this, i.e. my husband gave me a book introduction as a discussion basis so I would understand what he wants to live. I read and after some discussions did not find it difficult to agree to this since the values expressed (openness, responsibility, communication, equality, loyalty) are a 100% mine. In practice however it is very different for me.
Just to get the picture: we have been married for 5 years and have two kids 2 and 3 years old - i think it is important to know the family situation in order to understand) and it is right, the emotional and sexual side of our relationship has cooled down a bit, which for me is not very nice, but understandable, since we are so busy with our small kids and the new house. (something that can and needs to be revived anyways).
Well, shorty after we had made up our minds to accept out marriage love, he revealed to me that his new love is his ex-girlfriend, who had always been a friend of the family. He had fallen back in love with her already before we had discussed the whole concept of polyamory. It took me about two days to not only adapt to the new polyamourous situation, but also to accept that this family's friend role has changed. i emailed her that although i accept the situation i am not yet ready to talk to her directly (she lives not close by anyways). I am defintely not ready for a meeting with all of us. (what for i wonder anyways- there are still to many issues between me and my husband - not her problem).
The problem I experience with my husband is that i really feel rushed into this. Whenever I have a problem with this new situation, I have the impression that it is my fault if the polyamory lifestyle does not work. I actually do not mind if it works or not, because I have the feeling that I am a real MONO woman (who knows what the future brings), but it really hurts when he tells me, that this does not work because I am not ready for it, and that I don't try hard enough and if he gets bitter and unhappy in a couple of years it will all be my fault (he doesn't say this literally like this, but the message is, your opposition makes me unhappy and i can't guarantee a happy marriage like this) . I have pushed him back onto the polyamourous road trying to make him understand that this radical change needs time for me, but that even though i have difficult times I do accept it.
What really makes it difficult for me is the fact that polyamory is about equality and responsibility in my eyes. I have told him, that given my work schedule, the children, his workschedules and administrational and household tasks, I am happy if I can make our relationship work (to be honest we it did suffer with all the work,and kids and house stuff), i would not even dare think of a second one (i am speaking purely timewise). If he can, good for him. The point is that I felt so lonely and neglected with the rest of the duties, that I did not see that free and equal relationship anymore. During my marriage and having become a mother, I grew into being the family organizer and communicator, a role which is fine for me but which is not the ideal I would have sought ten years ago. I got married late, had kids late, and my friends often make jokes about my freedom loving and communicative nature. Now, I have learnt that even in 2009 it is still a woman's work to be responsible for all the little things that come along in a four person family (laundry, shopping, paper work, kids schedules). And then all of a sudden he opens up this enormous perspective of equality and freedom, I said yes, knowing that I have to do my part of dealing with jealousy, and he had to do his part - giving me time to breathe by being more concerned about family stuff (it sounds so stupid, but i mean if you don't have a cleaning lady, bathrooms need to be cleaned even if you are not a maniac, and growing kids need new shoes at least twice a year - and don't forget about all the attention they need).
After some talking he finally understood that my problem is only partly about jealousy, but mainly about what I get out of our relationship/marriage even without polyamory.
So for me it is possible, but i have the impression he is having as many problems with this new life as I do (or even more), but assumed that it would all go by itself. I feel like I dont have the right to have problems with it and that he does not see his, because he wants that lifestyle anyways, so it is not his job to adapt to it. I guess he did not see the backfire thing. And it is not (anymore) about negoiting this for that, but about roles that are contradictory to me and I can't live both. For him there is only black or white: If i accept it, it means that i can't have problems with it. He doesn't want to deal with my worries and fears (well, he does, but it always ends up in "Now, tell me if I can see her YES or NO! I will respect your wish). My wish is that he just understands my life (two kids, a husband who travels, leaves at 7 comes home at 7 when things go fine, my own job etc.). Although I sometimes do get frustrated about this, I really appreciate my life, since all the "obligations" are my choice and I love my job, my family,my friends, my neighborhood etc.
So this is part of the story. Another part is that I need some explanation about the openness and communication. I have understood that polyamorous people love communicating and are open to other people, no matter if they are (potential) lovers or not. Now given the difference between mine and my husband's temperaments (I am a communicating extrovert, whereas he is a listening introvert) I can accept that he needs time to warm up with new people, but I just don't understand, why he finds it so hard to talk to my parents (different language, but both sides speak the other's language) or to our au pair girl or my friends (all communication goes through me). If this is about exploring people and lives, they are just there in front of him. I don't even ask him to give up that ex-girlfriend, but be open to who is there anyways. well, there is progress, but there is so much contradiction, that i sometimes wonder what it really is about.
So all in all, the whole polyamory has brought light into our relationship and lifestyle, but so far i can't help myself but see it as some sort of therapy to wake us/him up and learn what equality, responsibility and communication really is about. If it helps that is great. So on this forum i am not actually looking for advice but just to see if we as beginners are taking normal (quite unstable) steps and if there are perspectives that could open up a new helpful vision or similar experiences. Thanks for any comment. And if my husband is on the same forum, Hi dear, you must have recognized us, I think I did not say anything that I did not say to you, did I? I just need some external stabilization.

thanks you for ideas and reflections
moonandstars
 

Quath

New member
I think this is a good forum for airing out how you feel and trying to get other perspectives. It sounds like you are on the right track on focusing on communication. You are within your right to say what you like and dislike. It does not sound like you are being unreasonable.

I think it is good that you see the prroblems being between you and your husband. It would be very easy to blame the girlfriend.

I think in this day and age, parenting/household chores should not be so one sided. However, some people are better at some things than others. When my wife was working, she would come home and cook, and I would do the dishes. I would wash the clothes and she would clean. I think it is fair to look at available time and divide up the chores. But we should allow for preferences.

Your other issue on extrovert vs introvert communication is a problem I have heard of a few times before. I think you have to work on drawing the person out more. Ask questions and wait for an answer. Maybe get them to write down their ideas. Communication is a skill you gain through practice. So try to encourage them to practice. They will still be an introvert, but they can express themselves better when the times comes.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Overall, I would say this is all about him. "Let me go and enjoy myself with other woman and don't bug me about it." Doesn't sound like he is looking to build a healthy poly relationship. Sounds like he wants to "play around" with your consent.

""Now, tell me if I can see her YES or NO! I will respect your wish"

Say "NO!". Call him on this question and see what he does..does he communicate or does he push blindly? If he doesn't communicate tell him to do a little reading about poly before he chooses to invoke the word. It's a lot of work and by the sounds of it, you are the one who does all the work there...I doubt he is ready.

I feel for you
Mono
 
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NeonKaos

Custodian
Overall, I would say this is all about him. "Let me go and enjoy myself with other woman and don't bug me about it." Doesn't sound like he is looking to build a healthy poly relationship. Sounds like he wants to "play around" with your consent.

""Now, tell me if I can see her YES or NO! I will respect your wish"

Say "NO!". Call him on this question and see what he does..does he communicate or does he push blindly? If he doesn't communicate tell him to do a little reading about poly before he chooses to invoke the word. It's a lot of work and by the sounds of it, you are the one who does all the work there...I doubt he is ready.

I feel for you
Mono

Mono, I was thinking the same as you yet again, but decided to leave all the work of typing it out to you ;)

It sounds like the husband is saying "I'm going to do this whether you like it or not. If you want to leave, leave. If you want to stay, deal with it. But don't make it MY problem."

To quote from my favorite emo-rap song:

"It's not that she wanted to have the cake and eat it too; she wanted the candles lit, a gift, and a fucking balloon."

Except I would put "he" where it says "she".
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Mono, I was thinking the same as you yet again, but decided to leave all the work of typing it out to you ;)



".

I'm a typing madman!! What song is that?...not to go on a tangent or anything but I'm curious. I just got rid of cable and music is huge to me! I'm liking the no tv thing.
 

Fidelia

New member
Hello, Moonandstars (and your husband, too, if you're lurking :)), and welcome to the forum. I'd found many wise, helpful and compassionate people here, and I know you will too.

First, I want to say that I think you are being AMAZINGLY openminded and accommodating with your husband's desire to transition from monogamy to polyamory, and I salute your willingness to venture into these unknown waters.

As someone recently pointed out to me, opening a marriage is a BIG DEAL, and the partner asking for the change must be willing to move at the other partner's pace.

Well, shorty after we had made up our minds to accept out marriage love, he revealed to me that his new love is his ex-girlfriend, who had always been a friend of the family. He had fallen back in love with her already before we had discussed the whole concept of polyamory.
So your husband was cheating on your marriage, at least emotionally, and wanted to renegotiate his agreement with you after the fact, so that he "can have his Kate and Edith, too." I see this as a serious red flag, that your husband may not be committed to the level of loyalty, honesty and personal integrity that successful polyamory requires. If that had happened to me in my marriage, I would have SERIOUS trust issues around the disloyalty that reveals. But perhaps you don't; so, moving on.

The problem I experience with my husband is that i really feel rushed into this. Whenever I have a problem with this new situation, I have the impression that it is my fault if the polyamory lifestyle does not work.
Again I go back to the point that he is asking you to make a HUGE change in your life, which will impact on you, your marriage, your children's lives, and well, potentially every other area of your life. It is natural and right that you should want to move slowly and carefully. You have every right to slow the train down. He may be wanting to speed up the process because he's already got a new lover waiting. That's a problem he created for himself by moving forward on a new relationship before the relationship between the two of you was ready for it. Do not let anyone push you into anything you are not ready for.

. . . but it really hurts when he tells me, that this does not work because I am not ready for it, and that I don't try hard enough and if he gets bitter and unhappy in a couple of years it will all be my fault (he doesn't say this literally like this, but the message is, your opposition makes me unhappy and i can't guarantee a happy marriage like this) .
If the situation is truly as you describe, I hope he will re-think this position, because it puts much too much of the responsibility for the successful or failure of the new paradigm on you, which is not fair or reasonable, and reduces the possibility for success immensely.

I have pushed him back onto the polyamourous road trying to make him understand that this radical change needs time for me, but that even though i have difficult times I do accept it.
I'm going to reiterate my first point, that you are being AMAZINGLY openminded and accommodating and I salute you.

What really makes it difficult for me is the fact that polyamory is about equality and responsibility in my eyes. . . . Now, I have learnt that even in 2009 it is still a woman's work to be responsible for all the little things that come along in a four person family (laundry, shopping, paper work, kids schedules). And then all of a sudden he opens up this enormous perspective of equality and freedom, I said yes, knowing that I have to do my part of dealing with jealousy, and he had to do his part - giving me time to breathe by being more concerned about family stuff . . . After some talking he finally understood that my problem is only partly about jealousy, but mainly about what I get out of our relationship/marriage even without polyamory.
It sounds like the two of you are making progress toward a partnership of equals, or at least putting it on the table. Terrific!

So for me it is possible, but i have the impression he is having as many problems with this new life as I do (or even more), but assumed that it would all go by itself.
For him there is only black or white: If i accept it, it means that i can't have problems with it.
He doesn't want to deal with my worries and fears (well, he does, but . . .
I hope he, and you, and his gf, see the error of those assumptions. It's a huge change in your lives; of course there will be problems to work out. And poly generally takes much more personal investment in terms of communication, sharing and ongoing relational activity than monogamy. But it's worth it.

. . .it always ends up in "Now, tell me if I can see her YES or NO! I will respect your wish).
Until you are comfortable and truly ready to proceed, and no longer feel pushed or rushed into making these changes in your life, when you are pressed for a yes or no answer, the answer should be NO.

So this is part of the story. Another part is that I need some explanation about the openness and communication. I have understood that polyamorous people love communicating and are open to other people, no matter if they are (potential) lovers or not. . . . well, there is progress, but there is so much contradiction, that i sometimes wonder what it really is about.
I am very much about observing people's actions along with thier words. When someone says one thing but does another, you can trust what they DO over what they say. People can say anything, but actions reveal the heart.

So all in all, the whole polyamory has brought light into our relationship and lifestyle, but so far i can't help myself but see it as some sort of therapy to wake us/him up and learn what equality, responsibility and communication really is about. If it helps that is great.
It certainly sounds like you've identified a number of issues to be worked on. Good for you! Keep those lines of communication open and flowing, and you can find your way forward.

So on this forum i am not actually looking for advice but just to see if we as beginners are taking normal (quite unstable) steps and if there are perspectives that could open up a new helpful vision or similar experiences.
There is no "normal" polyamorous relationship; each one is special and unique all unto itself. But if you'll do a search of the forums, I think you'll find some similar stories, and similar challenges.

Best of luck to you, Moonandstars, as you make this transition. Trust your instincts. Listen to your heart. Talk and talk and talk some more to your husband and to his new gf, when that's appropriate.

I wish for all of you peace, joy and much love. :)
 
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moonandstars

New member
Thanks you quath, mono, ygirls and fidelia for your responses. you are great, it is the first time i am talking to "experts"I feel very relieved getting your opinions and I finally feel really "validated" (if that is the right expression). Thanks for telling me I am amazingly openminded.I feel so and it is very important to me.

Some of you suggested to just say NO, when the YES/NO questions comes up. well, i actually don't want to say NO unless it comes from himself. I want him to make his decision and all the work that comes with it, because I DO believe it can be benificial. And if it does not work, i want him to find out for himself and reach his own limits. It is part of my nature/character that I feel very reluctant to impose my lifstyle/opinion on others ." live and let live" suits me far better.so far I am open and strong enough to just see where it leads us and do my emotional work (with your help-thanks). I trust myself enough to stop the train if it really gets too much.

As you said, the redflag was up, when he was already emotionally engaged with his exgf in some sort (without her actually knowing it), when we discussed the concept. So, yes, there are trust issues, but we have dicussed this, and he sees the point and feels sorry and quite bad about it. but there are some trust issues that need to be healed, you are right, we both know about that and are hopefully working on it on both sides :).

and there goes another point, quath said that introverts need to be asked questions and take time to respond and mono replied that it seems that i am doing all the work. And i guess this is the raw spot: I am EVEN responsible for him to communicate to me. This is where i really feel that I have have so much to deal with for myself in this new situation and i have to facilitate communication if I want "news" from his side. I actually do want to communicate, but sometimes I get so tired of "facilitating" communication where i just want to get news where the other person emotionally stands. without asking, just because it is natural to speak about it or just because i am worth talking to without asking a hundred questions.

Quath mentioned that housework should be divided, according to time etc. i actually don't mind doing more, if as you said I like it (i mean i would not complain about more free time, but some things just need to be done),but in this new situation I don't see why I should be delegating, both are responsible, so both have to act without one reminding the other what needs to be done. He keeps forgetting things, so I keep reminding him, even his kids birthday, which is really hurtful, but apparently a big problem for him as well (I have already wondered whether it was some brain problem, but he is quite intelligent on other sides, so that can't be it). but again, yes, you are right i want him to do the thinking work , which means that he is really implied in what is going on in that house and family.

thanks for being on the forum and this nice welcome!
moonandstars
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Quath mentioned that housework should be divided, according to time etc. i actually don't mind doing more, if as you said I like it (i mean i would not complain about more free time, but some things just need to be done),but in this new situation I don't see why I should be delegating, both are responsible, so both have to act without one reminding the other what needs to be done. He keeps forgetting things, so I keep reminding him, even his kids birthday, which is really hurtful, but apparently a big problem for him as well (I have already wondered whether it was some brain problem, but he is quite intelligent on other sides, so that can't be it). but again, yes, you are right i want him to do the thinking work , which means that he is really implied in what is going on in that house and family.

thanks for being on the forum and this nice welcome!
moonandstars

This might seem off the wall-but has he ever been evaluated for ADD? Seriously? Only more recently has it been established concretely that ADD is an issue in adults as well as children-but the symptoms are different. A NUMBER of the things you speak of SCREAM ADD to me (I am ADD as is my husband and 3 of our children). I read your words about having to remind him about things "that should matter to him" already and feeling like it should be important enough for him to be doing it.... well it could be he's just being self-centered. I certainly don't know him-but... well it kind of feels to me like maybe he's ADD and simply doesn't know it.
Most people in my life aren't aware that I am ADD. I have GREAT coping mechanisms, do great at work, am very intelligent, thoughtful and caring. But I have to make sure EVERYTHING is on the calendar-or it doesn't exist, including date nights with hubby (sometimes that makes me FEEL stupid) and if I am busy, stressed, nervous, I tend to lose the ability to be truly considerate and have to be reminded. :( However-these are things that if you can identify the CAUSE of the behavior (for me it's ADD) it's much easier to work on fixing it. For me I make sure to NOT over schedule myself-because if I do-well I'm a B****.... but if I keep my schedule predictable and fairly calm-I do fine. ....
Anyway-could be totally off base-the rest of your post-I liked the other suggestions!

Good luck and welcome to the forum. :)
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
This might seem off the wall-but has he ever been evaluated for ADD?

The problem with this is that some people find out they have ADD and then that becomes the excuse for their irresponsibility: "Aw shucks! It's that pesky ADD acting up again!"

I don't know the OP, but from what she wrote it looks like he has just gotten used to having her do all his thinking for him about mundane stuff he just can't be bothered with because it takes away from the energy he has to devote to his extracurricular activities.

In other words, the OP has THREE kids, not two.
 

moonandstars

New member
Thanks for the ADD hint. we have discussed that as well. I checked out a self-diagnosis check list, which indicates at what point one should react. there are some obvious symptoms as you said, but some are just clearly against it (he can be sooooooo organized at work). but the whole calendar thing is true - time is very abstract for him. but maybe this really needs to be taken a closer look at. but isn't it also a "fashion" to diagnose ADD?? i might be mistaken, but at school all of a sudden so many kids are ADD. but you might know more about it (but that is not the topic here).

AND YES, you say it: I have THREE kids. well,to be honest we have a new au pair (who is so helpful), but who needs integration, so I am actually responsible for FOUR (in some way). :)

moonandstars
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
The problem with this is that some people find out they have ADD and then that becomes the excuse for their irresponsibility: "Aw shucks! It's that pesky ADD acting up again!"

I don't know the OP, but from what she wrote it looks like he has just gotten used to having her do all his thinking for him about mundane stuff he just can't be bothered with because it takes away from the energy he has to devote to his extracurricular activities.

In other words, the OP has THREE kids, not two.

That's true-in all walks of life there are people looking for excuses for bad behavior. At the same time-someone who is truly ADD (which can only be identified by a professional with experience) has major differences in how their brain operates and they CAN NOT do certain things the way average normal people do. So getting diagnosed so that they can learn HOW they CAN do it is critical.

It would be sad for such an openminded, caring, responsible women to have her relationship fall apart because her husband had a medical issue that COULD resolve their problems (if that is what it is).

NOW-that doens't mean he WILL do anything about it-but wouldn't more info be better than less?
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Thanks for the ADD hint. we have discussed that as well. I checked out a self-diagnosis check list, which indicates at what point one should react. there are some obvious symptoms as you said, but some are just clearly against it (he can be sooooooo organized at work). but the whole calendar thing is true - time is very abstract for him. but maybe this really needs to be taken a closer look at. but isn't it also a "fashion" to diagnose ADD?? i might be mistaken, but at school all of a sudden so many kids are ADD. but you might know more about it (but that is not the topic here).

AND YES, you say it: I have THREE kids. well,to be honest we have a new au pair (who is so helpful), but who needs integration, so I am actually responsible for FOUR (in some way). :)

moonandstars

Yes I understand-even though I am ADD too-I OFTEN feel like I have 5 kids and not 4. For the same reason. Only in the last 6 months have we started addressing the issue and only after truly researching Adult ADD did we find out that adult add manifests with different symptoms, there are MANY types and forms of ADD (doctors tend not to consider this which is why seeing a psychiatrist with a good amount of experience dealing with adults is critical).

Yes-there are a lot of kids who get diagnosed and I'm SURE many of them aren't.

However-if you educate yourself-you can ensure you don't allow that to happen in your life. Adults generally are not diagnosed at all and women/girls are OFTEN misdiagnosed as "depressed" instead of ADD because ADD can have depression as a co-morbid illness. Unfortunately treating someone who IS ADD with anti-depressants can actually make the ADD worse which creates a HUGE disaster.

The calendar thing is key. I am VERY organized, own my own business, do my own paperwork, taxes, etc for the business with no help. There are varying degrees off ADD-and there are also differences in how it manifests from men to women and in different people. Just like blood pressure-if you have high blood pressure and they prescribe one med for you, that doens't mean that I would do well with it if I have high blood pressure. I may in fact not need meds at all, just need to alter some detail of my life like increasing exercise.

I would suggest going online and looking at ADDitude.com and some others just to see if anything seems to register. If you want to send me a private message I could give you more options.

Bottomline with the relationship (took me long enough to get there myself) is that you need to be concrete in making sure your needs are met. I am (like you described yourself) amazing about being easy going to the point where sometimes I do more then I SHOULD which allows the other person to "get away with things" that they should not because it seems to me like it's "just not that big of a deal".

If he IS ADD getting help (not necessarily meds) to control it and help him train himself to better responsibility THROUGHOUT his life would help a lot. If he's not-therapy still might be in order to help him comprehend HIS responsibility in the marriage and how critical it is for him to communicate with you if he wants a good marriage (poly aside).

Does that make sense?
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
That's true-in all walks of life there are people looking for excuses for bad behavior. At the same time-someone who is truly ADD (which can only be identified by a professional with experience) has major differences in how their brain operates and they CAN NOT do certain things the way average normal people do. So getting diagnosed so that they can learn HOW they CAN do it is critical.

It would be sad for such an openminded, caring, responsible women to have her relationship fall apart because her husband had a medical issue that COULD resolve their problems (if that is what it is).

NOW-that doens't mean he WILL do anything about it-but wouldn't more info be better than less?

I agree with all that. I try to find pitfalls in scenarios so that contingencies might be devised.

It all comes down to the fact that one person cannot change another person. They can support, encourage, threaten, forgive, and understand, but if the husband's behaviour patterns are working for him, he prob'ly won't change until and unless they stop generating the results he wants.

The whole thing with the "Yes or no" bugs me because if the OP says "Yes you can see her" he will take that as carte-blanche to do whatever, whenever, and if she says "No" then he can be all "unhappy" and blame it on his wife: "I'm unhappy FOR YOU honey, I'm doing what YOU WANTED".

Dear Moonandstars - I apologize for speaking of you in the 3rd person as if you're not in the room.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I agree with all that. I try to find pitfalls in scenarios so that contingencies might be devised.

It all comes down to the fact that one person cannot change another person. They can support, encourage, threaten, forgive, and understand, but if the husband's behaviour patterns are working for him, he prob'ly won't change until and unless they stop generating the results he wants.

The whole thing with the "Yes or no" bugs me because if the OP says "Yes you can see her" he will take that as carte-blanche to do whatever, whenever, and if she says "No" then he can be all "unhappy" and blame it on his wife: "I'm unhappy FOR YOU honey, I'm doing what YOU WANTED".

Dear Moonandstars - I apologize for speaking of you in the 3rd person as if you're not in the room.

The yes/no irritates me as well. I find it frustrating to even have to have a discussion with someone who is like that. Ironically my husband is black/white as well and sometimes I feel like I have to lead him to the other crayons, color with them and then he finally says "oh wow there is another color" after spending all that time insisting it didn't exist.

Frankly I wouldn't ask my husband for a yes/no (I'm the one who promotes poly in our marriage). I let him know "this is me and this is what i need/want so how can we make it work?" But that is just me.

As for the responsibility-sometimes the best way to find out of someone is willing to do something about their irresponsibility-is to stop taking care of it for them. :( Not always fun, not always easy-but it does generally show you what they are willing to do. Sometimes (especially with men) they don't see the point in changing something that works. So if you are doing it for them, why should they start doing it?
 

XYZ123

New member
The whole taking care of THREE children bugs me. What exactly does your husband do to help you out? If he wants to have another girlfriend, he needs to first be sure he is taking care of the family he already has.

My husband is like a child sometimes too. Often, actually. Since I stopped working I've been doing everything in the household, which I truly don't mind. But it's when I give him that one little thing I need done and three days later it's still sitting there and then I do it finally and he goes "I was just gonna". Ugh. Today I actually finally let him have it and am boycotting doing anything else I have asked him to do because I don't ask for alot. (Damn YGirl, it must be my darned bipolar acting up again, lol) I'm hoping that it makes him realize he has some responsibilities around here too and I cannot do everything, especially with another child on the way. We'll see.

A few people are talking about trust issues in regards to his feelings for his ex being the apparent catalyst for the poly discussion. I feel a little differently on that. He didn't physically act on his feelings for her behind your back. And, from what you say, she herself wasn't aware he had those feelings. The way I see it, he didn't break your trust because he didn't fall for her intentionally nor act on these emotions without first talking to you when he realized he did have the emotions. Have you never had a friend you suddenly realized you felt more for without the intent to ever do so? It may be that these feelings and the confusion they caused are what led him to realizing he was poly in the first place though he was never looking to be. I can't fault him for that as I think many of us discover our poly nature by actually loving more than one person simultaneously without the intention of doing so. I have to commend him for being honest with you about it, even if he was a little late in telling you the why of it.

What I do not like is his yes/no line of questioning. Until everything else clears and you feel secure enough to give a definitive answer, I think you need to let him know he'll have to settle for a maybe right now. It sounds like you two have enough to handle on your own before adding another person and all her issues/compromises/needs to the plate. Not to mention all the compromises their new relationship will have, including time constraints and effective communication skills. He should not be putting all this pressure on you, but should instead work on more effectively handling his role as husband and father in order to build your trust and faith in him being able to handle more in his life.

You ARE amazingly open minded. I wish you all the best.
 

moonandstars

New member
Thank for all the input. I guess we WILL have a closer look at ADD again. thanks for the website, if necessary, I remember about the private email. i dont' know any adults who are dealing with this.

as to the YES/NO .... well, yes, he used to look at it as if Yes, means he could do what is good for the other relationship. After long discussions he has however understood that the views of what poly means for everybody can be so different and tha my YES was not meant for what he understood. so we agree in terms of frequency (how often can he see her etc. or let's say that I feel my needs are taken into consideration) now. But it is so difficult when the confrontations are so hard. it is not that i am avoiding conflict, but as you said, why can't we just look for a color that suits both of us. As you said, after days of talking he comes proudly and tells me that he has discovered that there IS another color besides black and white. the one i pointed out from the start.........:confused: is it a male thing???
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
A few people are talking about trust issues in regards to his feelings for his ex being the apparent catalyst for the poly discussion. I feel a little differently on that. He didn't physically act on his feelings for her behind your back. And, from what you say, she herself wasn't aware he had those feelings. The way I see it, he didn't break your trust because he didn't fall for her intentionally nor act on these emotions without first talking to you when he realized he did have the emotions. Have you never had a friend you suddenly realized you felt more for without the intent to ever do so? It may be that these feelings and the confusion they caused are what led him to realizing he was poly in the first place though he was never looking to be. I can't fault him for that as I think many of us discover our poly nature by actually loving more than one person simultaneously without the intention of doing so. I have to commend him for being honest with you about it, even if he was a little late in telling you the why of it.

What I do not like is his yes/no line of questioning. Until everything else clears and you feel secure enough to give a definitive answer, I think you need to let him know he'll have to settle for a maybe right now. It sounds like you two have enough to handle on your own before adding another person and all her issues/compromises/needs to the plate. Not to mention all the compromises their new relationship will have, including time constraints and effective communication skills. He should not be putting all this pressure on you, but should instead work on more effectively handling his role as husband and father in order to build your trust and faith in him being able to handle more in his life.

You ARE amazingly open minded. I wish you all the best.

I very much agree with this post. I know I didn't intend to fall in love with someone else. In fact I intended not to. If that makes sense. But the emotions came. Unfortunately I wasn't as upfront as I should have been. Even when I thought I was-there were misunderstandings. :(
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Thank for all the input. I guess we WILL have a closer look at ADD again. thanks for the website, if necessary, I remember about the private email. i dont' know any adults who are dealing with this.

See if you can find the book "deliveredfrom distraction getting the most out of a life with Attention Deficit Disorder". (don't ask why I did and didn't capitalize I dont know) by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. It has a wealth of info. I'm sure you could find a used copy on Amazon for cheaper too!

GOOD LUCK!!! Keep your head up. :)
 

moonandstars

New member
My husband is like a child sometimes too. Often, actually. Since I stopped working I've been doing everything in the household, which I truly don't mind. But it's when I give him that one little thing I need done and three days later it's still sitting there and then I do it finally and he goes "I was just gonna". Ugh. Today I actually finally let him have it and am boycotting doing anything else I have asked him to do because I don't ask for alot.


Oh, I see, I am not alone. I have similar strategies. tell him once and wait. But as you said, very often it does not get done. if it is not important, never mind, if it is I will do it and if someoneelse offers help i'll take it from someone else (mainly my parents).


From what I feel and here in the discussion it is the trust issue that needs to be rebuilt. And that is a BIG issue. I am optimist and I have enough general trust in life to see the possibility, but I also see that is a HUGE amount of work to get all these little deceptions healed and to be honest my big fear is that he is NOT aware of the amount of repair work that he has to do. Taking the kids for a walk once or tidying in stuff in the room does not prove a change in attitude, just a temporary good will. It might be a change if it lasts for quite a while. I may seem paranoic, it is in fact quite deceiving to take these momentary actions as change in attitude and find out later, that a lot of the rest goes on as usual. i guess it is a long work period for all and it is necessary to work on all the details. I wish he saw that as well!!! :(
 

moonandstars

New member
Dear Moonandstars - I apologize for speaking of you in the 3rd person as if you're not in the room.

;) this irritated me in the beginning on this forum, but i understand that each topic brings up so many other things that one wants to respond to, that sometimes the OP is the third person. i understand, but I appreciate the apology and I still feel as though I am in the room ;)
but it actually does feel weird when others discuss MY problem; but I guess that can help find insights as well.

i actually really appreciate the discussion, i would never have thought that this forum could help me that much to make my thoughts clearer and that you would take me that serious. thanks - YOU ARE ALL REALLY WONDERFUL!
 
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