oneiromancer
New member
I think I might be in an abusive relationship. My friends who know about it are being very careful not to influence my decision one way or another, but are there for me in whatever I choose to do. My therapist is the same--she won't tell me to leave or stay. I thought I'd post here some of the dynamics of what's going on, and maybe get some thoughts on what I should do, because I'm so damn indecisive.
My husband and I have agreed since the beginning of our relationship that we would like to be polyamorous. Up until recently, we've been operating under the "unicorn-hunting" paradigm. Lately, I've grown tired of this, and have asked for our relationship to be opened up more. I specifically asked to date people online, as finding like-minded people where we live can be a challenge. He said he didn't really care what I do online; that I could do "whatever." He didn't want to discuss the topic further than that. But even so, I brought the topic up once or twice a day for about a week. He continued to just say the same thing, that he didn't care what I did.
So, I began chatting with people on Facebook groups, and found someone I was quite interested in. I flirted a bit, and when I started to realize I had feelings for this person (the feelings really seemed to be mutual too), I brought it up to my husband. He became very upset that I had done what he said was basically ok to do, and accused me of cheating. He demanded that I cut off contact with the person I had been talking to, and I did.
I was even apologetic, and wanted to try and find a way for us to both be happy. Over the next few weeks, he was extremely verbally aggressive toward me, calling me a slut, whore, cunt, bitch, stupid, almost daily. He said he couldn't believe how stupid I had been, that he could never trust me again, that I had ruined the marriage. I was afraid of the marriage ending, and kind of just took the insults. But more recently I got to a point where I wasn't taking it anymore, and was getting mad at him for not fucking dropping the subject. It got to a point that I felt like he was mentally torturing me. I was emphatic that I didn't cheat, that I'm not a cheater.
Ok, to break off the poly subject for a minute, there is more here. There is also a history of physical abuse in our marriage. I've had things thrown at me, I've been shoved, hit, smacked, and once I was choked. There hasn't been any of that recently, as I've made it very clear that if it ever happens again, I'm automatically walking out on the relationship. But, I'm still afraid that it could happen again, anyway. Or, that if it does happen again, that I'll just think "oh, that was the last time." That, and I also feel like he has replaced physical violence with verbal/ emotional violence more recently (which makes it harder to leave, because it's less obviously a problem). Almost every time I have brought it up since, he downplays the whole thing and/or says it was somehow my fault. There have been two times where he admitted that he was truly in the wrong.
Anyway, back on the poly subject. Recently, I brought up the subject of a separation. There's a year-long program I could sign up for that would look great on my resume, and my re-location costs would be covered. So finances/ making it on my own aren't really my concern. I figured that after a year, if our problems aren't sorted, that we should separate for good. But, he was very sad/emotional when I brought it up (oh, btw, he's been saying things like "i'm killing him/ he wants to die" when he's in an emotional state over this, which makes me feel so guilty). The next day, he said that we can open up our poly relationship, and that he even wants to let me go back to the relationship that I sort-of started (the one that he accused me of cheating with). He gave me a list of rules, which includes the caveat that he be allowed to look at my online activity whenever he wants. (I have evidence of him spying on me in the past, and since, my computer is password protected).
But, this seems like real progress to me. He's getting over at least some of his jealousy and insecurity. But at the same time, I almost don't even want to start another relationship right now, as I feel like I'd be dragging someone else unnecessarily into my drama. I just don't feel like it would be fair to dump all this on someone, even if I really like him a lot..... That, and I just feel kind of broken right now.
Anyway, there are reasons I haven't left. I'm still in love with my husband. I married him for a reason. When all these negative things I've talked about aren't happening, he's a wonderful person to be around. We got very similar degrees in school, and can carry on interesting intellectual conversations. We have similar interests outside of academia as well, and can relate to each other a lot of the time---when things are peaceful.
Anyway, even though this is a rather long post, it doesn't fully encompass the entirety of the situation. If you need more details on something, please ask. But mostly, I just want opinions on what I should do? Is this a hopeless situation I'm in?
My husband and I have agreed since the beginning of our relationship that we would like to be polyamorous. Up until recently, we've been operating under the "unicorn-hunting" paradigm. Lately, I've grown tired of this, and have asked for our relationship to be opened up more. I specifically asked to date people online, as finding like-minded people where we live can be a challenge. He said he didn't really care what I do online; that I could do "whatever." He didn't want to discuss the topic further than that. But even so, I brought the topic up once or twice a day for about a week. He continued to just say the same thing, that he didn't care what I did.
So, I began chatting with people on Facebook groups, and found someone I was quite interested in. I flirted a bit, and when I started to realize I had feelings for this person (the feelings really seemed to be mutual too), I brought it up to my husband. He became very upset that I had done what he said was basically ok to do, and accused me of cheating. He demanded that I cut off contact with the person I had been talking to, and I did.
I was even apologetic, and wanted to try and find a way for us to both be happy. Over the next few weeks, he was extremely verbally aggressive toward me, calling me a slut, whore, cunt, bitch, stupid, almost daily. He said he couldn't believe how stupid I had been, that he could never trust me again, that I had ruined the marriage. I was afraid of the marriage ending, and kind of just took the insults. But more recently I got to a point where I wasn't taking it anymore, and was getting mad at him for not fucking dropping the subject. It got to a point that I felt like he was mentally torturing me. I was emphatic that I didn't cheat, that I'm not a cheater.
Ok, to break off the poly subject for a minute, there is more here. There is also a history of physical abuse in our marriage. I've had things thrown at me, I've been shoved, hit, smacked, and once I was choked. There hasn't been any of that recently, as I've made it very clear that if it ever happens again, I'm automatically walking out on the relationship. But, I'm still afraid that it could happen again, anyway. Or, that if it does happen again, that I'll just think "oh, that was the last time." That, and I also feel like he has replaced physical violence with verbal/ emotional violence more recently (which makes it harder to leave, because it's less obviously a problem). Almost every time I have brought it up since, he downplays the whole thing and/or says it was somehow my fault. There have been two times where he admitted that he was truly in the wrong.
Anyway, back on the poly subject. Recently, I brought up the subject of a separation. There's a year-long program I could sign up for that would look great on my resume, and my re-location costs would be covered. So finances/ making it on my own aren't really my concern. I figured that after a year, if our problems aren't sorted, that we should separate for good. But, he was very sad/emotional when I brought it up (oh, btw, he's been saying things like "i'm killing him/ he wants to die" when he's in an emotional state over this, which makes me feel so guilty). The next day, he said that we can open up our poly relationship, and that he even wants to let me go back to the relationship that I sort-of started (the one that he accused me of cheating with). He gave me a list of rules, which includes the caveat that he be allowed to look at my online activity whenever he wants. (I have evidence of him spying on me in the past, and since, my computer is password protected).
But, this seems like real progress to me. He's getting over at least some of his jealousy and insecurity. But at the same time, I almost don't even want to start another relationship right now, as I feel like I'd be dragging someone else unnecessarily into my drama. I just don't feel like it would be fair to dump all this on someone, even if I really like him a lot..... That, and I just feel kind of broken right now.
Anyway, there are reasons I haven't left. I'm still in love with my husband. I married him for a reason. When all these negative things I've talked about aren't happening, he's a wonderful person to be around. We got very similar degrees in school, and can carry on interesting intellectual conversations. We have similar interests outside of academia as well, and can relate to each other a lot of the time---when things are peaceful.
Anyway, even though this is a rather long post, it doesn't fully encompass the entirety of the situation. If you need more details on something, please ask. But mostly, I just want opinions on what I should do? Is this a hopeless situation I'm in?
Last edited: