What to do when your lover breaks up with his abusive metamour

LizziE

New member
Seriously, what I'm asking for is advice.

Has anybody been through this, and can give me advice?

I know there is no "one size fits all" for it.

I told him that if he needs anything from me, anything at all, to text me. He doesn't really want to see me right now, which I know isn't about me, it's about him. And I am completely OK with that and giving him all the space he needs (which I assume will be of the "I can't bear to be in a room with you, but please be home where you can be close. I'm assuming that because when I asked if he wanted me to not come home tonight and stay elsewhere, he said 'no', but that can certainly change, as needed).

Suggestions?

For the record, I do know that walking around humming "ding-dong the witch is dead" is absolutely the wrong thing to do. And as relieved as I'll be once it starts to feel real, there isn't going to be any smiling about this. His heart is breaking. Mine is breaking for him, even if this was the right thing to do.
 
Hey Liz, I have been following your blog.

I firstly wanted to say I am here rooting for you and Jon.

I can offer a few nuggets. 1) active listening while he grieves. Something that helped me was just someone to hold me while I processed. Not try and fix or rationalise or talk but just to be held.

The other is just a small point of caution. It took me 5 times (over 5 years!) to leave my ex husband and his abuse. It took me a second bad relationship to see my part I was playing in attracting and maintaining these relationships. He will need to relearn good relationship skills with you, and a lot of time to heal. And the only person who can do that is Jon. For now, enjoy your moment of hurrah, and I truly hope it sticks too. I am sending positive kind thoughts your way to both you and Jon.

Hugs.
 
Which part? The breaking up?

We didn't talk about it at all yet, but if there is a "Lora want to stay in OurTown, and needs to find a new place to live" thing brought up, then we will put a concrete date on when Lora must be out by.

I am currently assuming she will move home with her mother. I don't believe her income can support her, even in a sublet. But I will let ya'll know when I know what is happening there.
 
1) See him in context. He is going to grieve, even if it was the right thing to do.

2) Active listening -- That means you listen to him talk. You do not give him any feedback unless he asks for it. And if he does, you verify that he does indeed want your feedback. Sometimes people ask for feedback when they really just want to hear their own thoughts repeated back to them. Like

"I see that you hurt. I see that you want to do X"​

It is like they are sorting things out in their head out loud. And want to hear how something sounds coming out of someone else's face. But they don't know how to ask for that kind of "reflect it back to me" and call it "feedback."

At least, that's been my experience sometimes.

3) I find this helpful.

http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

GL!
Galagirl
 
I have had many years of therapy. I had therapy for serious depression with psychotic features. Then I had therapy to process how living with a mentally ill mother (she probably has borderline) who was also a hoarder, and thus, had turned me into a hoarder (because I had no idea how to live/keep a home like a "normal" person) had affected me, and what I needed to do to reprogram myself into the person who I wanted to be.

One of my favorite therapy activities is when someone says something to you, and you said it back to them in your own words. Because then we both often learn that we use certain words anywhere from slightly to hugely differently, and we can improve our communication based on that. It's a great way to cut down on misunderstandings. Even things like if you say "I'll be home between five and six" and the person hearing that thinks it means "I'll be home by five unless there is an emergency, in which case I will contact you about it".

Anyways, thank you GalaGirl. And thank you all. I can definitely hold him, and just listen to him. I am comfortable with saying to someone "you just said X to me. I'm uncertain if you just want me to only listen, if you would like me to comment on that". And if they don't know, further saying "My comment will be positive/negative/to politely disagree with you, if that helps you to know if you want any feedback right now".

I will definitely read that link.

And I definitely respect his grieving.

I am grieving to. I am grieving for the poly future that we were imagining a year ago, and turned to ashes and misery.

I am grieving for his grief.

And I do grieve for Lora, because she has very significant problems, and she so badly needs help, and I truly believe that her behavior caused a person who could potentially have been one of the biggest, and best supports in her life to walk away from her. When Jon gives his support, he does it 110%. So she didn't just lose a support in him with this, she lost one of the best possible humans in the world, when it comes to emotional support.

I fear that she will take this experience as more proof to never trust anybody, and to never try, because people will always abandon her. I fear that she won't continue therapy, because she thinks it's a waste of time (as she said before, and was something that caused Jon and I to rather browbeat her into it). I fear for her mother, if she moves back home with her.

But those are not my things to worry about. My main priorities right now are Jon's grief, and mine, and what I can do to support both of us.
 
I am grieving for the poly future that we were imagining a year ago, and turned to ashes and misery . . .
Don't grieve a poly future, as that possibility is still there. It's not the configuration that matters; it's the people. Focusing on developing good, healthy relationships, rather than fulfilling some idealized fantasy of a "poly future," is the best course. Perhaps Jon invested in such a poor candidate for a relationship because he was too focused on being poly and forcing it to come to fruition, instead of seeing the situation for what it was and responding appropriately. Just a speculation.
 
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Hi Liz,

Definitely don't try to tell Jon what to do right now, just be an available listening ear (and a shoulder to cry on) in case he needs it. Give him plenty of space and maybe once in awhile ask him if he needs anything from you. Express love and concern. Then back away again.

And by the way, remain skeptical about whether this is going to stick. It might ... it might not. We'll have to see. They could be apart for months or even years and decide to get together again. And that might even be okay if Lora gets the help that she needs.

But in the meantime, she might get desperate and make all kinds of promises that she won't end up keeping. I don't know, maybe Jon and Lora will reunite for a short time and then break up for good. It's just really hard to tell this early on. So I guess my advice is, be ready for just about anything.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Don't grieve a poly future, as that possibility is still there. It's not the configuration that matters; it's the people. Focusing on developing good, healthy relationships, rather than fulfilling some idealized fantasy of a "poly future," is the best course. Perhaps Jon invested in such a poor candidate for a relationship because he was too focused on being poly and forcing it to come to fruition, instead of seeing the situation for what it was and responding appropriately. Just a speculation.

That is an excellent point, and you're totally right. There are still a lot of possible futures out there, and even if both of us my grieve for this particular one not happening, there should be a lot of hope for (even better) other ones that may come true.

I wrote more about it sticking in my blog Kevin, but you're totally right too. I am definitely not yet in a place mentally where I can totally put to bed the idea of them getting back together in the near future. It's still too early. But I can (and am) laying boundaries down about what that means to me.
 
That sounds like a good way to approach it. And I did read the new posts in your blog; it sounds like you need some time to heal.
 
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Thank you, Leetah. I really like that link & I'm going to forward it to Jon.
 
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