What to do

DemetreeDot1030

New member
It's been awhile since i've been on here ,and i'm not looking for attitude here. I am looking for some advice, or some understanding words to help me better understand what is going on.

Originally 2 years ago i told my wife i wanted her to be herself ,and open up to her bi sexuality. Then we talked about fantasies such as me her & whatever girlfriend she would find as well as her fantasy of me her & whatever guy friend of ours we would trust enough to include.

Fast Forward to this past summer when my wife dated a woman. She wanted me included on the relationship as she wanted a triad. She referred to us as being a poly couple because we had the space in our hearts/relationship to love another.

The relationship with her girlfriend failed because the woman was more interested in sex with her than forming a bond on top of the fact that she was on/off about how she felt about men (had alot of bad relationships with men she claimed)

My wife continued to try to find another girlfriend ,but to no avail. She started to open up the idea to not only finding a girlfriend ,but finding a guy we could be friends with that she could be with.

We came to the understanding that they would have a certain level of intimacy ,but we would also be all together. Which led to us going to something around here called a Witches Ball (we are pagan/wiccan) When we went there we went there with the intention of hopefully meeting a like minded man ,or woman who might fill what we were looking for.

She met a few women ,but no one that really thrilled her. Although we met a guy there that from here on out we will refer to as "DOOD". She told me she wasn't interested in him more than a friend. Yet about a week later they were facebooking together ,and she encouraged me to be friends with on there as well. I was skeptical at first to friend him since at the Ball he didnt seemed to be as interested in talking to me as talking to her. And yes he knew we were husband/wife.

After they began to talk more she really started to push the idea of possibly having a poly relationship with DOOD. I started to become concerned because i felt like she wanted more from him than just a close physical relationship ,and i felt it might be the same for him with her. And, after my last long term relationship (of 6 years) ended in the fact that i was cheated on i naturally had some paranoia set in.

This spilled into a week long argument about the whole ordeal. We came to an agreement as to what was okay ,and what was expected. We finally came to an understanding ,and we decided we were going to have DOOD come stay with us for a few days during New Years. He lives almost 2 hours from us ,and doesn't drive.

So we picked him up ,and while we were in his area i wrecked my truck into a guide wire (dont ask lol) so i was really depressed at that point by the damage done to my truck so i wasn't in the right frame of mind to begin with.

So for most of the first day he was here i brooded because of the truck as well as watching him & her touch each other. Grant it she would be cuddling up to him while i was cuddling up to her ,and she was rubbing my back. She invited up to our room to watch a movie because she was tired so we all retired to our room ,and watched the movie then fell asleep. Nothing happened that night.

The 2nd night she became more comfortable with him ,and started holding his hand, rubbing his leg, giving him kisses ,and such while doing similar things to me. For some reason though i got this vibe from them that there was more than this casual intimacy that was going on. I'm screwed up in the head because the more she told me she didnt want anything more than what she had with him ,and she was not trying to replace me i was still paranoid.

That night we all ended up in the bed together watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. I could tell my wife was getting horny as she kept asking me if i was tired ,or was she the only one not tired ,and she was rubbing herself against me & him. She then says to DOOD..."you have 2 options we join us in some fun ,or got downstairs because i want to fuck my husband" to which DOOD replies "i'm all for some fun if everyone is okay with it" The lights are completely off ,and we start doing stuff together to my wife. Apparently at one point he bumped my arm which made me jump ,and he took it as i was pissed ,and he stopped said he couldn't do it ,and he's going to let us go at it.

The next morning we all discussed the situation ,and we agreed we just miscommunicated and no one was mad at one another. So the rest of the day we were all cuddling again yet i couldn't help that feeling i got watching them two touch ,and kiss each other. I know it shouldn't bother me considering she was touching & kissing me as well. Later that night we finally followed through with having sex with my wife together. I found it to actually turn me on because it made her get off more, she moaned more ,and moved her body in such an amazing way. It was nice ,and we all shared a fun experience together.

After we took him back home which was 5 days later instead of the originally planned 3 days i started fighting with myself in my head about what went on. The following day my wife invited one of my buddies come over ,and watch a football game with us. He came over without his girlfriend which was strange ,but anyhow. I always known him to flirt with my wife ,and her with him although i trust him so it doesn't bother me.

We told my buddy everything that had been going on ,and how we felt about everything and he listened while giving some reasonable council. Now prior to my buddy coming over i thought maybe i was just not able to handle the situation of her being affectionate with someone else. Although while my buddy was over they started to flirt with each other again ,and we were both tickling her ,and playing around then we ended up all cuddling with her on the couch. And, shockingly enough i was okay. I knew he was there to not harm the relationship between my wife ,and i. I just felt this fun between the 3 of us. Grant it nothing more than cuddling happened i would of been okay if it would of gone further.

Which makes me think its just something about DOOD that makes me uncomfortable. Everyone seems to think me & DOOD just need to make a better bond as friends to deal with this unique situation together. DOOD is poly as well and has said on many occasions that he understands the deep love ,and connection my wife & i share which he doesn't want to disturb. I just get worried.

Him & i don't talk nearly as much as her & him do yet she keeps pushing that she wants him & i to be closer as to make this unique situation easier.

So is it really just i need to become more buddy buddy with him ,and let my guard down a bit & just let him in. He told my wife that everytime he asked me to outside to "smoke" with him he was trying to have some guy time so he could talk to me ,and get closer. Yet i wish if thats the case that'd he'd also contact me when he's not here. As other wise i feel he is just being nice to me as it necessary evil to be able to be with my wife.

My wife ,and I for the past week started arguing about this again as i felt like we lost track of what our rules ,and expectations were in this situation.

Part of the discussion was in the past she said she doesn't know if she would be okay with having sex with another man without me with her ,or not although she trust me to have sex with another woman alone ,and she wants the same opportunity.

I told her i don't mind if we all have sex together when it comes to another man ,but i'm not for having sex solo. I personally don't want another woman..let alone have sex with another woman alone. The only way i'm interested in sex with another woman is if its my wife's girlfriend and my wife wants me to have sex with her girlfriend ,and her girlfriend wants it as well. Thats the only way i'd be interested in it.

She told me she was okay with that as its not necessary for her to have what she wants as long as i'm okay with another man having sex with her if we're all together.

She just doesn't understand why i'm okay with her being alone with another woman, going out on a date with another woman alone ,and having sex with another woman alone yet for it to be with another man its different.

See for my wife she doesn't see people as male ,or female so sex with them doesnt matter on their body parts. She's more concerned about who they are inside than what they have.

She asked me today if i would of be okay if she went out with DOOD for something like some coffee ,or something eat basically a date ,and at most made out a little bit then would come home here together ,and likely do things together. As she said in order for her to have a close relationship with DOOD ,or anyone else for that matter she has to be able to be alone with them and bond just as well as us all being together. And i get that.

Im just worried that a make out session will translate to having sex alone. She says she wants to do this together but something alone like that is no longer doing it together.

She keeps telling me i opened this door when i told her to be herself with her bisexuality ,but being okay with her being bi and having a girlfriend versus having a boyfriend is 2 different things. This wasn't what i asked for yet this is what i seem to have to deal with.
 

DemetreeDot1030

New member
She says she loves me very much ,and i am/always will be first and most important person in her heart that she isn't looking to replace me. She just wants a companion to be close with on a mental, emotional, and physical level. She's not looking to fall in love with them she just wants to enjoy their company.

I just keep getting hung up on how she wants to be with another guy that isnt me. How fair is it to be at home with our children while she spends time on a date with another man when we barely are able to have time alone ourselves. I want to get past this ,and get back to us being okay like we were.

We keep getting into arguments about it when we start discussing what each other is okay with in this situation ,and i'm tired of fighting. As it has gotten to the point where we questioned if we should be together anymore. We both agree we love each other too much to leave each other let alone we dont want our boys to have a broken home especially over something like this. She wants me to be happy while letting her be happy.

Shes afraid i'll never accept this lifestyle change which she doesn't feel we can still be together if i can't accept it because she doesn't want to sacrifice her being herself ,and end up being with me although unhappy.

We've been together for nearly 6 years with 2 wonderful crazy boys ,and i'm deeply in love with her always have been...i just want to get through this with her, be okay with DOOD being in our life ,and get back to being our happy selves like we had been up until roughly a month ago.

I know not everyone will agree with our choice of handling the lifestyle but its what works for us. I just need to stop being hung up on the details. Please i could use some good solid advice ,and encouragement.
 

laerhk

New member
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to follow this conversation because my husband has the same issue with me finding/being with men vs women as you seem to and I'm interested in hearing the comments and advice you get in that regard.

It would be nice if it were easier, would it not?
 

Leander

New member
Sorry your having a difficult time. I can see why people keep saying it would be good if DOOD and you would bond. Nice in theory. If your feelings about him started off rocky and haven't changed when you've reflected on the situation, well, that's such a tough place to stuck in. If you're stuck with it, I dunno, do you think you could practice wishing everyone involved well, including yourself, despite how you feel about DOOD? You don't have to like DOOD or what he's doing, but wishing him love & happiness as an exercise all the same might add a new dynamic to things.
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
She just doesn't understand why i'm okay with her being alone with another woman, going out on a date with another woman alone ,and having sex with another woman alone yet for it to be with another man its different.
Why are you ok with one but not with the other? Can you articulate your reasons?
I just keep getting hung up on how she wants to be with another guy that isnt me. How fair is it to be at home with our children while she spends time on a date with another man when we barely are able to have time alone ourselves.
Why would this not also be the case if she were out with a woman rather than a man?
 

tenK

New member
I know not everyone will agree with our choice of handling the lifestyle but its what works for us. I just need to stop being hung up on the details.

I think the problem here is that this doesn't work 'for us' (you and your wife), it only works for you. She wants a chance to connect with DOOD independently. From what she is clearly saying, she doesn't want to replace you with him, or build something as deep and rich and entangled as the relationship you two share, but she does want to build something with him. Something that she feels wouldn't overwhelm what you guys already have.

I confess, I don't understand how you can have one rule for her encounters with men and another for her encounters with women either. On the surface it sounds extremely sexist, and like you feel that there's no way her developing feelings for a woman could challenge your place in her life. You are not the first guy to post similar fears and insecurities on this site, so it's not by any means rare. But I think it is just a fear and an insecurity. Your wife is no more likely to leave you for a man than she is for a woman. It sounds like the pair of you really need a better understanding of what it is she (and you) are seeking here in opening your relationship to others.

I don't know you from Adam, so it would be foolish to assume you are in fact sexist. One school of logic to explain the difference you feel with regards to the gender of her suitor is to say that you acknowledge that this is a part of her sexuality that she has not had an opportunity to explore before, and that this is the primary driver for her in wanting to see others. She wants to see others because she wants to see women. However, this is not actually the case, as attested by the arrival of DOOD in your life. I think she wants to see others because she wants to see others, and maybe that's not what you signed up for. In which case, you guys need to revisit that and make sure you're on the same page. In my own experience, the understanding what my girlfriend wanted from hooking up with others was an essential part of feeling secure and content in our open relationship - even though I felt pretty secure in our own connection and how much she loved me, I needed to logically see how it all fitted together for her and become ok with the idea that what she craved was variety and independence. And that that reflected not one iota on our own relationship. And that actually, that was a pretty lovely thing that I wanted for myself as well. :D

The other explanation is simply that you *think* you would feel differently if she had a girlfriend, but that that reality has not been tested as this one has. If she did meet a smoking' hot lady (particularly if that smoking' hot lady wasn't into you one bit, as is the case with DOOD) you might feel similarly fried around the edges trying to imagine them having alone-time together. I think it's always dangerous to try to anticipate how you will feel about a situation in advance. Much better to say to your partner 'I honestly don't know how I will feel, but I am willing to see and try to work through any feelings of discomfort I have'. Which brings me to the final question. Are you willing to try to work through your feelings of discomfort with her, in her relationship with DOOD, to give her what she wants out of this, or is this a case of 'limit reached - I have been clear on what my boundaries are, and we need to drop this idea'? That's what i think it comes down to.

Right now I see you clinging to rules that the pair of you have supposedly agreed to, and thinking that all would be just fine if those rules were stuck to. But I also see that she seems to want some things that those rules are ruling out, and in trying to navigate between her wants and your wants, she's possibly messing things up left right and centre. I think she's been put in an impossible situation, which is aggravating your anxiety about the whole thing. You see her contradictory behaviours, and it makes you panic, because it's not what you were expecting. On her part, she's trying to stick to agreements she made to appease a (justifiably) insecure and worried man that she loves and cares for dearly. You need to sit down and talk - about your fears and your wants, and her fears and wants. Write it down. Share what you have written. Talk more. Shelve any more hookups with DOOD for a while - agree on a time-frame so no one is left hanging (two weeks or a month). And make sure you are both on the same page before picking up again. Although you guys are in a bit of a mess now, I think you should feel quite hopeful of being able to sort through it all and come out all the stronger on the other side. Just be honest about what you hope to get from this situation, and listen calmly to what she wants. Easier said than done, but I wish you both luck. :)
 

Inyourendo

New member
Sounds like you have some pretty hard limits that you agreed to and now she's pushing for more and you aren't willing to give more. I left my ex because I wanted more than the triad with a woman he was willing to allow when I wanted to freely date men and women independent of him. There was no way in a million years I was okay with being monogamous with him or closed to a shared female partner. I think if you aren't willing to share her you'll probably lose her to. It might take awhile but you can't cage a bird forever when she wants to fly. You might want to open up and trust her that just because she might have a boyfriend doesn't mean she's going to leave you for him. I know it's not what you want but it's what she does.
 

DemetreeDot1030

New member
(UPDATE)
So yesterday my wife got up earlier than myself ,and came up to wake me up. She sat down at the edge of the bed holding my hand telling me how sorry she was about all this. She said this wasn't what i signed up for when we got married because she didn't know this about herself at the time. I told her i was okay with what we established. She said to me i love you very much ,and i dont want to lose you ,but i know you aren't happy and i want you to be happy. She said you dont deserve this you deserve someone that is going to love you ,and want to be with you ,and only you.

I said it sounds like you want to split. She said very excitedly "no i don't i just feel sorry to do this to you ,and i love you too much to hurt you like this" Then we started talking about the idea of me finding another woman ,and doing what she is doing with DOOD. I told her i can care about another one ,and i can be intimate with another woman ALTHOUGH its not my desire.

Im content with her and i love her very much. She then asked if i didn't want us to ever have a girlfriend i said no we can when we find someone ,and im fine with that but its not something im actively seeking out.

Aside from my feelings for my wife i don't feel like actively seeking out another woman to join us myself because i feel other women would see me as a "pig". I could personally have a close intimate friendship with another woman ,but i would never love another like i love my wife.

Anyhow she left to do some errands ,and while she was gone i read through your guys responses. I appreciated everyone's pointers ,and took everything into consideration. When she arrived back home she asked who i was talking to ,and told her i had went back on this site in order to try to get some answers to how i was feeling, how to deal with it ,and everything.

She read through your responses ,and what i wrote to which she said she agreed with all of it. Inyourendo's response hit a nerve with me though as a discussion her & i last month made mention of her feeling like a caged bird with her even writing a poem to that degree.

So we started discussing some of your guys points mainly the one that she wanted the same freedom with a man as with a woman. She said its not like i want to go run off ,and have sex with DOOD right now. She says i want to be able to know i have that option to make my own decision on that. She said she sees it as a way to bond with him.

So even though i was okay with what we worked on prior this new discussion broke down into another arguement. I told her i feel i made big steps ,and compromised alot just to get to the point we were at ,and i respected what she wants ,but she has to respect that im giving her alot and be okay with what i'm willing to give.

I told her marriage is not about my wants/desires solely nor is it about her wants/desires solely either. It's about working together to make those wants/desires as much of a reality as possible.

I knew she wasn't playing on having sex with DOOD tomorrow ,but i felt like she was pushing hard for me to be okay with it period.

See when her & i got together i knew she had sex with over 20 partners prior to me (not going to get into exact numbers) ,and not all of them came from committed relationships. So when we first got together i had a hard time getting past the imagery in my head of these other men doing things to her as i felt it tainted what i had (i have a very active imagination)

And, this whole idea of her having sex with DOOD outside of us all being together brings back these thoughts.

Now i know someone mentioned earlier why is it different for a woman with her versus a man. Well see because of her past when we decided to marry me i thought i was the man of her dreams (she told me she use to have dreams about someone that looked like me ,and knew she'd find me but didnt know when) so i thought after all the men she been with she finally got what she wanted man wise ,and she'd be happy to be by my side always.

When she started showing her bi sexual side i told her to go with it because i figured if she's got a man already (me) that satisfies only one side of her sexuality ,and i felt she should be free to find someone that satisfied the other side of her sexuality. I never expected her to also want to explore having another man as well. I knew she was interested in a 3some with me & another guy as far as a fantasy went but didnt know it went deeper for her.

I know she doesn't want to be without me ,and she'll always love me/be with me. I understand she just enjoys DOOD's company and attention as she feels her heart is large enough to give me most of it yet share some of it with others.

She asked me today why we never had fights like this when we had our girlfriend ,and i said it was because we were both sharing our hearts with her because i felt the same way she feels about DOOD as i did for our exgirlfriend.

Back on topic...she tried getting my one friend to help talk to me ,and try to calm me down. He basically said our problems were out of his wheel house ,and he couldn't help. This infuriated me considering this dude would of been dead my poison if i wouldn't have told him what his wife was doing to him. Yet she tried murdering him later but because i screwed up her original plans her final effort wasn't successful.

I told my wife i feel like i'm alone so then i started thinking DOOD is involved ,and he's said on many occasions he respects me so i swallowed a bitter pill last night ,and talked to DOOD directly.

We talked on the phone for over an hour ,and i told him all my concerns and feelings. He told me he isn't looking to nor could he ever take my wife away from me. I told him i enjoyed all of us being together ,and i understood/was fine with that hanging out together alone as far as going out somewhere. I told him i understand she wants to be close with him which requires them to hold each other ,and kiss each other and i can handle that. He was happy to hear that ,and told me thats all he wants from her.

He likes us both ,and he considers us both his friends and doesn't want to do anything to screw up our relationship/marriage. He knows we love each other too much to mess with it.

Then i discussed this whole her & him let alone any other guy sex alone issue that im having a hard time getting over. He said dude im not to that point with her ,and you guys yet. He said even if i was he said grant it i would love to have sex with her alone just as much as i like it when we have sex with her together. He said but in order for us to all be successful in this everyone has to be happy/comfortable ,and if you aren't comfortable with that then we just dont do that. He said it doesn't matter to me if you are there ,or not. He said hell if it puts you're mind at ease if it would ever come down to that i have enough respect for you ,and how you feel ill literally call you and ask you if its okay if thats what it takes to put ur mind at ease. He said i want you to be just as comfortable/happy in this as her & i.

I told him that him having sex with her while we're all together doesn't bother me because im still getting my connection with her as i would if her & i were alone that i look at it as just another way to have sex with her in same the way as introducing toys or bondage into the bedroom.

I asked him how to deal with how she seems to be pushing this concept of her having sex alone to which he replied. You don't tell her yes ,or no you don't close the door to it but you don't open it you just tell her maybe later..not now. He said you've made huge steps in being okay with us being together period let alone with us all having sex together. He said if you keep trying to make big steps you are eventually going to stumble. He said none of us are ready for anything solo in the relationship yet thats jumping the gun.

He said none of us may ever be ready for that ,or maybe a year or more away. So he told me just to tell her its not never its just not right now.

After talking to him i felt so much better. Ironically i felt like i finally had an ally in this situation ,and it came from the last person i expected to be understanding to how i felt.

I know she may eventually love him in a close intimate friend way just as i did with our girlfriend ,but she'll never love anyone like she loves me, and no matter who she sees male or female its me who she wants to spend her life with.

I'll admit it still feels strange that she wants to spend that kind of time with another guy in the way of kissing and holding each other ,but i just have to remember im the one she loves im the one shes in the arms of at the end of the day no matter what.

I just dont look at sex as openly as she does my partner list i can count on just 2 hands all of which were some what committed relationships minus 1 of them. So sex ,and intimacy is viewed differently between her & i.

She looks at it with DOOD as just a way to deepen the connection ,and have fun together but i have a hard time as seeing it as only that.

She plans on having him spending another week with us in February in which she figures she's going to pick him after her doctors appointment and hang out with him at the mall before a bit before she brings him here. Then she wants him & i the following day to hang out together as friends while she watches the kids.

I fully intend to look at his time here this time less threatening ,and more in the way that we are both here to pleasure her ,and be close with her together and have fun.

Alot of elements of this are still strange to me even though i get this is what she wants it just feels odd to me. Hard to spend nearly 6 years with someone being the only one romantically in each others life then suddenly in 2 months time realize one of you wants to enjoy others company in addition to yours.
 

Leander

New member
Wow. So much going on here. Find it fascinating reading whats happened and how you're thinking it through and trying to deal with it. Thanks for sharing.
 

DemetreeDot1030

New member
Last nights discussion kind of broke down the walls between DOOD & I. We've been texting back & forth today while my wife is out shopping.

I look at it this way she's a very loving person she always has been. Always been a very affectionate type with a big heart so it actually comes to no surprise when i think about it that when she wants to have a guy friend to be close with and intimate with. I've been trying to look at it as DOOD & I aren't working against each other to pleasure her & make her happy but rather working together...co-op if you will.

Her & i are both huge gamers as well as DOOD ,and me & her came up with analogy awhile ago that i think i lost sight of.

I will always be her main game ,and she can play it all the time and she enjoys it all the time but there's also extra content to download to add to the main game. The main game is still perfectly suitable for her without the content ,but it doesn't hurt to play that extra content now ,and then.

And, as DOOD & I have been talking i was telling him how i feel about all this ,and how im dealing with it compared to where i was ,and i came up with this thought process.

You have a Nintendo console ,and you love the Nintendo characters and most of your games you play are on that console ,but you also own a Playstation. You don't play it all the time ,but it coexists with your Nintendo just fine under the same TV. You still play Nintendo the most ,but sometimes you want to play some God of War instead of Zelda ,and even sometimes you want to be able to jump between both games in the same day and get enjoyment from both.

He agrees this is what is going on ,and its how im coping with this lifestyle change.

I'm more than happy to be her Nintendo that she plays all the time ,and if it takes her to enjoy the company of a Playstation once in awhile to enjoy her Nintendo all that much more than so be it
 

DemetreeDot1030

New member
Update

So here's an update on whats been going on...

For the large part i've been okay with what has been going on. My wife says she loves getting attention from both of us ,and it makes her very happy. She's just disappointed DOOD lives so far away so the ability for her to be with him is limited. I told her last time he was here i had no problem in visiting us once a month for a few days at a time.

Like i said before he lives almost 2 hours away plus we drive our son to a special preschool 4 out of 7 days, she has therapy every week ,and my job puts me on the road for at least a 100 miles every day i go out which can be as little as 2 days a week to as much as 4 days a week. And, with only having one vehicle as well as a limited amount of money to spend on fuel its hard to have her be able to hang with him more than one week a month basically let alone for us all to be together.

I know she misses him they talk on the phone basically everyday ,and text each other although it gets out of hand. It's almost like as soon as i leave the room she's on the phone with him. He doesn't work ,or have any obligations so he's basically always around for her to talk to. I understand he's new & shiny but spending nearly 6 hours+ in a day talking to him on phone ,or via text is insane. I confronted her about it ,and she took it i'm jealous of her talking to him ,and its not that. She's neglected using her gym membership ,or doing her crafts because she is so wrapped up in him.

She went to therapy the other day ,and discussed my issue with her therapist as well as some of her friends ,and she realized she does talk to him an awful lot ,and since she's seemed to slow down a bit which i appreciate.

Now she has made plans to go pick him up after therapy (her therapy is a little less than halfway to his place although its still a haul from her therapy..i drove it once already) next month ,and she wants to go on a date with him once she picks him up. She first discussed they were going to go somewhere on the way back here that was in route such as the mall. She said going to the mall would be a good way to learn about him ,and she could see what kind of things he likes. Well apparently that changed ,and they were talking about going to somewhere in Pittsburgh which is almost another hour from his place. When i came home the other night they were discussing doing stuff that her & i were suppose to do before ,but never got the chance. Like going to the observatory ,or to a place called the beehive (its a coffee shop with pinball machines in the back). Years ago i asked her to go to the beehive ,and she said she hated that place now she wants to go on a date with him there. i feel a little slighted.

Then ive been thinking about them going on this date ,and it depresses me that im not going to see her at all that day as ill be driving our son to & from school then once i get back she leaves for therapy then after therapy she'll be with him the rest of the day (therapy starts at 2.30 she doesn't usually get out till 4) so between all the drive time she's going to incur they more than likely wont be here till after 11 that night. So its going to be a lonely night with our kids for me ,and my mind is likely going to run wild.

She originally had planned to go out on a date with him that monday then tuesday wanted him & i to hang out doing lazer tag & game shopping then we were discussing us having a little V date thing where we all did something together. Although i heard her telling a friend of hers she thinks thats overkill ,and im not giving her any breathing room. She likes being with both of us whether its in the bedroom ,or just hanging out she wants to also be alone with DOOD. So when i told her to just take the days that we had those other plans ,and just go on dates with him alone she told me no. She exclaimed she wants him & i to hang out together alone ,and she wants us all to go on a date together.

She keeps telling me you are part of this too ,and he likes hanging with you as well ,and that we're all suppose to be together as a little unit. Its just confusing to me that she tells her friends im on her like white on rice with him ,and she wants to be alone with him. She even told her friend having them both in bed with me is nice ,but it doesn't need to be all the time. So when i offer to back off she doesn't want that either.

One of her caseworkers were over the other day ,and she probed my wife for information about us ,and this lifestyle change. She kept telling my wife she needs to have a back up plan if this doesn't work out with me ,and my wife basically told her that if i don't fully accept it then we'll just have to split. I drive alot for work ALONE which leaves me to my thoughts alot so that day those words swirled in my head all day.

Then i came home ,and they were discussing their date then when she would say babe to me he kept responding (she had him on speakerphone). I couldn't take anymore and went upstairs to bed to try to sleep it off before i had emotional breakdown.

She decided to follow me upstairs ,and probe me for info then she revealed to me at that point that she feels she's falling in love with him ,and that he officially asked her to be his girlfriend that day in which she said yes. This just made things worse for me. It was like the work we did to get things normal reverted backwards so i started telling her maybe i'm not meant to be with her anymore as i can't give her what she wants. That i am basically stepping stone that got her to where she needed to be at in life ,and that she would be better off with someone like DOOD who is more okay with this stuff ,and she said she couldn't do this without me ,and she doesn't want me to go anywhere but she wants me to be happy.

I don't want to be without her i love her too much. She doesn't understand why i stay if this is so hard for me ,and i told her this lifestyle change is only one thing of many aspects of her this may not be my favorite aspect ,but she has so many other aspects i love ,and adore about her that i just cant walk away...its not in my heart to do so.

In some ways i feel DOOD is only telling me things to just keep me at bay ,and calm while he tries to get closer ,and closer with her since he knows im not just going to go away. He told me before he didn't want to take her away from me nor could he ever even if he wanted to because of how much she loves me. He said he wants to be both of our friends ,and he finds her very beautiful ,and wants to be close to her. But i feel like this is only partially true. She told me last night he's the one that pushed to label their relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend ,and that he's been fishing around for i love yous as he's already told her he has "strong feelings" for her. This seems to negate what he told me earlier.

See they have nicknames for each other he calls her "kiddo" ,and she calls him "kitty kitty" normally they don't call each other hun, babe, or anything ...when they do its rare. Last night she left to get somethings from the store ,and while she was gone she figured she'd call him when he answered he said "hi hunny" then he told her he had a buddy over playing games ,and every other word he said to her was "hun" "babe" ,and ect.

She came in the house she gave me some cookies she bought me then looked at me in aww ,and i said what babe? she goes i really love you i love you so much ,and she grabbed on to me. I enjoyed her feelings yet i knew something was wrong so i asked her about it while i cooked dinner. She sat down in the kitchen with me ,and explained what happened. She said it freaked her out because she took as him trying to push things faster than she wanted.

I told her yesterday i felt like them 2 were going way too fast for only knowing each other for 2 months ,and only hanging out together for equivalent of less than 2 weeks. And, she told me last night she realized what i was saying when he pulled that because she started to reflect on everything thats happened recently. For once in weeks last night she talked to me i could look in her eyes ,and see she had her head on straight ,and it wasn't lost in the clouds like it had been.

Sometimes its been hard to talk to her about her & him because she is so infatuated with him she doesn't want to listen to what i say objectively. So she said she's going to pump the brakes with him a little.

I think whats going on with DOOD is he's not the type that typically get women flocking to him (hell when she tries ,or even i try to dig for past relationship info from him he barely gives up anything) because of his mental issues ,and interests. So i think the fact that a woman (in this case my wife) is paying attention to him he's becoming like the stray cat you feed outside in other words he takes a little bit of attention being more just a little attention. I think when she called him yesterday he was showing off to his friend. I think she just needs to be cautious of this guy as i feel he may say his intentions are one way im starting to see they are different than previous mentioned ,and she's biting right into it.

After everything last night she held me close in bed telling me how much she loves me she's not going anywhere she doesn't want me to go anywhere ,and we're always going to be together. She explained how last night she really realized how much she really did love me then she sang me the song that she knows pulls at my heart strings.

I just hope things continue to be okay...i know ill have my good & bad days with this ,and this wont always be easy but i just love her too much to be anywhere else
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I think your wife and DOOD are both caught up in NRE. You need to step back - it sounds like she is oversharing information that you are having trouble with. You would prolly do better without all the details of their dates. If you would like more time together, then continue to articulate that. She shouldn't have to cut back time if it isn't interfering with your time, but she should try to balance herself better, so your needs aren't forgotten about during the NRE nutso time.

There is no reason you have to spend your alone time with this guy if you don't want to do so. It sounds like she wants more of a family style poly, but forcing that isn't going to work.
 

DemetreeDot1030

New member
Honestly bluebird a family kind of poly that you referred to is something we've discussed before ,and it seems to be the ultimate goal here from what i gathered. We had discussions before on what we wanted to accomplish with this ,and we both agreed we wanted to be together as a unit. And, i told her in that way i think i could be okay.

She's even brought up to me that if this worked out with him in the long run she wouldn't have a problem with him living with us ,and i similarly agreed.

I like when shes honest ,and forth coming with information because communication in this is big for me. I was tell her i rather know something i may/may not like when it happens than to find out later on my own.

I totally agree with you about the NRE ,and i called her on it a few times already ,and told her she needs to keep it in check. I don't think she got it until last night when he started showing his NRE.

I have my good days & bad days with this whole thing. Especially since all these years we've been only committed to each other aside from that short stint with her girlfriend ,and then we meet this guy we all become friends then she goes from not interested in more than friends to calling him her boyfriend ,wanting to go on dates with him ,and claiming shes falling for him in the matter of like 2 months is alot to take in at once.

From the way im understanding her in this is she basically wants to add to us ,and wants us all to be together. She's even open to the idea to if anyone of us (her, DOOD ,or even I) would add another woman to the mix. And, i understand in order for their relationship to grow enough for us all to be a unit together in the end they need to spend their own alone time as well as us altogether. It's just hard for me sometimes to be know they are together without me kissing & such while i'm sitting at home without any attention.

The only thing i can hope is that when she comes back she shares that passion ,and attention with me but even more so. Like i said i understand its part of the path that needs to be traveled to reach her goal.

I don't mind if him & i hang out solo especially since the relationship between him & i is getting better. She told him today our truck broke down but didn't tell him where so he started frantically texting me asking me if i was okay ,and where i was which actually shocked me.

I just don't want it to be him acting like he's cool with me ,and cares as just a way to give the guard dog a treat so he can get what he wants.

I know my over active imagination sometimes gets the better of me in this ,and the my nature to always wanting to have a plan is problem in this. i just always like to know whats going on ,and where we're going as well as how we're getting there.

Its that nature of me that makes my wife & i work because we balance each other out as she's way more free spirited and whimsical than myself. I think the fact that DOOD is more like her & indulges that side of her more is what has her so interested in him ,and i can get that.

I'm all for her being able to have her desires/wants met ,but i just wish she'd slow down ,and remember we're in this life together ,and we have to work together to do this ,and other things. its not just about her ,and what she wants nor is it just about me & my wants its about what both of us ,and what we want ,and working together to achieve those goals as best as possible...i think sometimes she loses sight of that because of NRE ,and this new found "self" she has. She told me the other night because of what i opened up in her she's found herself like she never had before ,and she doesn't want to go back but she wants me to do it with her & grow with her.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi DemetreeDot1030,

I think I would just keep telling the wife that she and DOOD are both swimming in NRE and that it is clouding their judgment -- for that's what NRE does (or one of the things it does). Continue to stress to her that you need her and DOOD to slow down. If she hasn't slowed down yet (or hasn't slowed down enough yet), tell her again. "Babe, I need you guys to slow down." Rinse and repeat a million times if necessary.

Unless a million times is more than you're willing to go around on this merry-go-round. You have to decide what your own limits are, and how you are going to honor those limits even if no one else does.

They say NRE usually lasts between six and 24 months. So that gives you some idea how long you are going to have to fight and fight and fight for what you need in the relationship.

I am thinking that you and your wife need more alone time together. Get a babysitter and go out on dates. Formal dates, where you dress up and fuss in the mirror and then put your best foot forward during the date. Get to know each other again like you did before you first got married. Make it special.

Things might get better, but they won't get better quickly. Maybe they'll get better a little at a time. If you're going to stay with your wife, you should resign yourself that she's not going to be in her right mind for a long time. Take a deep breath and try to relax a little; you seem to be so worked up that you jump at the slightest provocation. If something's on your mind, talk to her about it. The thing about the Beehive is one example of something you should talk to her about.

I can see that you have worked hard to stretch yourself as far as you are already stretched. I think you can stretch farther as long as you don't have to do too much too fast.

Keep us posted.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

DemetreeDot1030

New member
Thanks Kevin for your input...

Yeah i totally agree with the whole NRE thing ,and she does have moments when her head gets back on straight ,and she starts talking with some sense..

Maybe its time to give a lil insight on my wife & DOOD as this might help you guys understand what i'm dealing with better...Dot (my wife) is bipolar w/ anxiety disorder depending on the situation as well as her medication she is on at the time she can either be very manic ,or very depressed. Ive seen her at her very worst ,and helped her through it. DOOD is schizo (he tells us he has 6 voices in his head ,or at least 6 versions of himself).

Dot & I are both wiccan where as DOOD is pagan but he leans more towards the satanism side of it. DOOD gets very lost in talking about magick stuff ,and metaphysical stuff. So sometimes he's kind of hard to talk to because he gets so lost in that stuff.

Back on topic....I love Dot too much to ever just give up on any of this. I may not be favorable every facet of what this new lifestyle entitles ,but its only one part of her so it would have to be more than one thing for me to wanna bail. Grant it sometimes i feel hopeless in this then i remember how much i love her. So when you mention if i can handle rinsing & repeating a million more times...if need be ill do it a trillion more times.

She has calmed down a bit with him very recently although i noticed tonight she's getting very hardcore on the "babe" word with him. Other than that we've lately been spending more time playing video games together while cuddling on the couch like we use to ,and i'm really enjoying it. It's great to finally get somethings "normal" again between her & i.

As far as her & i having dates we actually started stuff like that recently. We finally found a baby sitter ,and used her for the first time last week. We had her watch the kids from 5pm till 11pm we both got dressed up (she had went out & bought corsets a few days prior which she looks really hot in :D)

I took her out to Pittsburgh to the Andy Warhol Museum (wanted to do something completely different from our normal outings) then after that i took her out to dinner to a place her & i had one of our first most iconic dates in our relationship almost 6 years removed.

I parked in the same spot as we did 6 years ago, and we sat in the same seats as we did 6 years ago. I figured it would be a great way for us to reconnect ,and remember who we were as a couple ,and where we came from...to reflect how we grew ,and are growing.

She seemed to really enjoy it as did i ,and the babysitter was great. We were going to go to Pittsburgh again tomorrow for another date out at the conservatory ,but the truck broke down so we won't be able to do so.

With everything that has gone on recently i realized how much i got comfortable in our relationship & took parts of it for grant it so ive been trying to step it back up. I feel in some ways it may be too much for her although she says it isn't.

One major thing thats pissing me off is between a couple people she's discussed this situation with (be caseworkers, or friends) a common thread comes up ,and thats if i don't get better with this that she'll have to give me the ultimatum that its either accept this ,or loose her.

It came up again tonight when i asked her how her meeting with her caseworker went ,and apparently thats what they discussed. It kind of soured a good time i was having with her tonight considering we basically promised each other last night that we loved each other too much to separate over this ,and we would work together. It befuddles why something like that is still even considered an option ,and it pisses me off.

I think i've come a long way in this ,and have compromised my ass off to give her what she wants. Considering my long standing trust issues from being screwed over by ex girlfriends, friends ,and bandmates in the past. The 2 cheating ordeals i went through. So for me to even be okay with her having another man in this house with me touching her kissing her let alone sharing her in bed together to me is a big step that i wish she would start respecting.

She doesn't think i'm happy in all this ,and grant it i have my good days & bad days with it although i'm getting better and aside from some issues i have i'm happy. i'm even happier where she's giving me the attention she always gave me in the past. Yet when she discusses the option of us splitting over this with others i feel like she's disrespecting the growth i have made especially considering she just dropped this bombshell on me in late November early December.

I just get to the point that theres aspects of this i can find my groove in ,and be okay then there are others where i just get depressed from it. On my worst days i just don't know where to turn.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re:
"One major thing that's pissing me off is between a couple people she's discussed this situation with, a common thread comes up, and that's if I don't get better with this that she'll have to give me the ultimatum that it's either accept this, or lose her ... It kind of soured a good time I was having with her tonight considering we basically promised each other last night that we loved each other too much to separate over this, and we would work together."

You should certainly bring that up with her ... and I recommend using the exact words as quoted above. If she's telling you she'll stick with you no matter what, but telling others she'll leave you if you don't toe the line, then she's fibbing (and needs to cut that out).

What's really unfair about her threatening to leave you "if you won't accept this," is that "acceptance" is an emotional state and people can't generally pick out their emotional state like it was a dish on a menu. Now what we do about our emotions, how we respond to them, that's something we have control over. But the emotions themselves tend to pick themselves; we don't get to choose how we feel. That's why it would be very unfair of her to leave you simply because you didn't "feel the right way."

NRE is blinding her to the efforts you've already made to "accept this" and be okay with this. I think you need her to acknowledge how hard it's been for you to go this far before you can go any further. I suppose I would tell her that I feel like the efforts I have already made are not being appreciated.

If you're going to get through this, you'll have to become painfully aware of how powerful NRE is. It is powerful and relentless. So you will have to have the same conversations with her many, many times. Some things she may never get, at least not until the NRE wears off. Try to emphasize to her that the rules in place right now might soften in the future, but first you need to know that you can count on her to stay with you and work with you on this.

Keep those date nights with her going. You need times together when you're not fighting, when you're not thinking (so much) about this prickly poly business. Times when it's just you and her, like in the good old days. Your situation is a hard one and I do feel for you.
 

central

Member
When you opened things up for her to explore her bi side, you opened two doors, because she's bi. Of course, you probably only expected her to pursue the side of her sexuality she does not have with you. Since she's gone beyond that, you have the right to explore relationships with other women for yourself. Perhaps if you do that, it will put things into perspective for you and for her, and help come to a better understanding.
 

Inyourendo

New member
When you opened things up for her to explore her bi side, you opened two doors, because she's bi. Of course, you probably only expected her to pursue the side of her sexuality she does not have with you. Since she's gone beyond that, you have the right to explore relationships with other women for yourself. Perhaps if you do that, it will put things into perspective for you and for her, and help come to a better understanding.

I think that could be a good idea. Having fun dating others while your partner is away is a great distraction. Experiencing a new romance for yourself can also help you understand what you're wife is going through a little more
 

DemetreeDot1030

New member
I got a longer response that i will write later ,but i want to respond to both central & Inyourendo..

I can agree with you guys ,and this has been part of our discussions already. The thing is i know where my heart is ,and its with her. I know i can enjoy another woman's company ,and attention although right now i don't feel the urge to pursue something with someone else.

Another thing is i wouldn't feel comfortable going on a dating site such as Okcupid chasing after single women as A) i would feel like a pig B) i don't think its fair considering most women on there are looking for their next main partner not being part of something poly ,and i know i can't offer another woman what i offer my wife.

Seeking something with another woman would be purely enjoying the attention/company of another ,and i can agree that i could about that woman ,and even love them to a certain degree. Hell when Dot & I were involved with her girlfriend together her girlfriend knew i cared about her & we often expressed it to each other ,but she knew the limits of how deep that ran with me ,and how deep it could run.

I think just picking up on some girl on a dating site ,or what not would be very turned off to the idea when they discovered they wouldn't be getting me to themselves completely.

I know my wife's ultimate idea in this which i agreed with is that even though her & dood may have their time alone together she wants all to be together as one big group ,and personally thats the way i prefer it. i'm okay with us all being together ,and working together to show her attention. Hell even when we are all on the phone together i can feel a bond between a 3 of us that gives me momentary lapses in forgetting about my issues on this.

Shes even discussed this with dood ,and he's agreed that he not only wants to be close with her & have a relationship with her but he wants all to be close ,and have this relationship together. He told her he looks at his involvement with us as adding to us.
(Just my major trust issues come and i begin to question if what he's saying is true ,or just a cover up. Just my instinct to do so based on my past as i was always too quick to trust people ,and got screwed over alot not just with love interests)

Her & I also discussed if i would happen to find a woman i was interested in (and if she was bi as well) she would want me to have her included with us in the same way DOOD is included with us now ,and i would be fine with that. I just know in order for any of that to work anywhere close to the fashion that is desirable i would have to meet someone that is just as open as we are which will be difficult.

its nice to know me, her & DOOD are all on the same page with that ,and i understand that in order for that to work they also have to spend time together one on one to get to know each other. Its just hard to settle into because i want attention to ,and i know when she's gone with him i wont get that attention.

I'm not saying i will never be interested in having another woman along with my wife much in the same way things were with our ex girlfriend ,but i don't think im ready for that right now. The only way right now it would work is if she also found a woman we were both into ,and we worked something out that way.

She actually surprised me today ,and told me this Anna woman she recently started talking to roughly about a month ago(met through a pagan function) they've been talking to more lately. This Anna revealed to my wife via my wife venting our situation that she is both bi & poly as well. She's married around our age ,and she has also has a boyfriend. My wife told me today she's been hitting on Anna which i was surprised about because i thought with the entry of DOOD she went cold on the whole women chasing.

I expressed to my wife before that i thought Anna was very attractive ,but concerning her situation i don't think i would stand a chance in her being interested in anyone but possibly my wife. But thats a bridge ill cross when i come to it if it even ever presents itself.

Central yes you are very right when i told her to explore her bi sexuality it opened up 2 doors ,but she never told me about the 2nd door opening she kept it to herself. i think if she would of told me at that time what doors it opened we could of dealt with this better ,but she's kind of dumped all this in my lap in the course maybe 3 months tops although the past 2 is when it hit heavy.

Another issue too here is about me dating someone while she's dating DOOD is we only have one vehicle ,and 2 kids. So if one of us goes out the other one is basically left at home so it really wouldn't solve much at this point.

I have my good days & bad days with this new lifestyle we've suddenly swung into more ,and of who she has chose to date. I'm growing everyday with her on this although some days i have my set backs.

This new change in our poly lifestyle is still new ,and its going to take time for me i know that as well as its not any easier with her NRE...just gotta kind of grit/bare it for time being.

She asked me the other day why i stay if i'm not happy with everything ,and told her this lifestyle change is just one aspect of her that i may not be completely okay with yet its not worth scrapping everything over. I still love her for many many many other qualities this is just something i need to adapt to.

(damn this turned out to be longer than intended lol sorry guess i had more to say about what you 2 brought up than i thought.)
 
Top