What words do you use - lover, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, something else?

Alhena

New member
I'm curious what people call their lovers -to others i mean. how do you introduce your primary or secondaries? what title do they have when you mention them casually to coworkers and acquaintances.

Is it lover? or boy/girlfriend? or husband/wife/spouse? partner? Is it a differant introduction when more than one of your partners is present? how do you respond to questions from people if more than one of your partners is present or they know your married but you introduce another partner?

what are your thoughts?
 

Alhena

New member
When my bf asked me to be his gf he gave me the sweetest speech ever about how he wanted me to have a title, he didnt want to introduce me as a lover, just a friend or just "Alhena" he wanted to be able to see his friends and say this is my girlfriend. It was really cute so yesterday when we were at Disneyland he introduced me to a girl we ran into, that he trained with at work awhile back and i wondered what other people say.

He introcuded me as his gf and but when she started telling me about what a hard time he would give her she said your husband, i corrected her and said oh hes my bf. She seemed really confused and just laughed it off. Another time both he and his wife were with him and he introduced us as wife and gf, again people didnt ask anything just kinda smiled and looked confused. this is around friends, co workers and aquiantaces. Ive yet to meet any of their family so i wonder how I would be introduced in that setting since their family doesnt know they are poly.
 

Quath

New member
When I was in a triad, none of us were married, so it was simple bf/gf type introductions. It didn't happen too often.

I don't quite like the "primary" / "secondary" titles since it shows the order you met people sometimes but not the intensity of the relationship. But it does seem to be pretty common and useful at times.

Introductions to family are fun. I am out to my family, but thay may have thought it was some fad I was going through.
 

Danny40179

New member
It's always been the wife and gf when I introduce people. But we're moving into "these are my wives." It's amusing to watch people's faces as they realize I'm not joking. LOL
 

nethergirl

New member
I call my husband my husband, my boyfriend my boyfriend, and can explain the the relationship to anyone just as it is , open and equal on all sides :)

any lovers I usually just tell people 'i have a connection with this person' or 'i am dating ____' or if i am talking to friends when x lover isnt present i do refer to that person as my lover or friend with benefits

i dont like to use the primary/secondary language because i dislike the idea of someone meaning more or less.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
i dont like to use the primary/secondary language because i dislike the idea of someone meaning more or less.


Redpepper and her husband also don't like these terms. I am more than comfortable with being referred to as a secondary and often tease them with the reference LOL! In all honesty I hope I do mean less to her. Her primary relationship is sacred to me and will always take priority over my own needs. I must admit being called a Friend with Benefits would not sit well with me. The term disturbs me on some levels. Usually she refers to me as her boyfriend which is cool.

Interesting thread, as we are going to a poly meeting soon and another lover of hers is coming for the first time. She asked him what he'd like to be referred to as. She talks about him as a Friend with Benefits and will refer to him as a Lover. He is pretty happy however she describes their relationship.
 

vampiresscammy

New member
generally speaking I call them all simply "my loves", when speaking specifically about one or the other I say hubby, hubby of heart and wifey, or call them by the nicknames we use for each other i.e. hubby of heart I refer to as Darque Prince or DP, hubby I refer to as Bubba most often, and wifey I would refer to as sweetling, Ash, Shadoe or her given name, depends on whom I'm talking to really, but for most regular conversations with anyone its simply "my loves"

I don't care for the primary/secondary terms and none of these people are simply my bf/gf so I don't call them that, while I do like the terms hubby of heart and wifey, I can obviously only be married to one so its not technically accurate either, not to mention before my ladylove passed it wasnt legal in either of our states to marry same sex

until some better word/phrase/description comes about, for me "my loves" is the best, most accurate, least offensive to anyone involved statement I can make and I really like how it sounds :)
 

TankDiveGirl

New member
Well, I've only been in a poly triad for 3 months and a bit, but when I introduce people to my partner(s) it's always been "this is my wife" for L, and "this is my boyfriend" for S. We've not yet been in a social situation where i've had to introduce both of them to someone, because the great majority of my friends have at least been briefed on what's going on and are cool with it, and S and I work in the same place, so we have the same colleagues and whatnot.

I do have to say that i really dislike the "primary" and "secondary" labels. I know that at the moment L needs them so that she can feel validated and like she's the only "life partner," but really, i don't like the labels. If it were up to me, we'd all be equal, because i feel like we are -- i don't like the implication that S is "less" or "not as important" because he's a "secondary partner".
 
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alphafour

Guest
So far, I call them:

Missing in Action.

Not many women want to be polyamorous. I suppose I need to find a bi girl, but so many of them are just lying lesbians who fake like they have alternate sexualities. I have recieved so many antagonistic responses from so-called bi women, I just can't believe that they ever intend to be with a man.
 

Mark1npt

New member
I've had the same thoughts...hate the secondary label. We are not out to anybody yet, but have discussed in house how we would handle it. No decisions made yet. We are also in the process of discussing some sort of ring ceremony between the 3 of us. I guess I could use the "loves" label or introduce people to my "wives" but that wouldn't sound right legally. Are they "co-wives"?.....lovers? (yes)....best friends? (yes).....what to do? Since my wife isn't bi and it's me with two women, I need to find the right designation. I guess we could all just walk in and hold up our matching rings when someone asked, huh?
 
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alphafour

Guest
I've had the same thoughts...hate the secondary label. We are not out to anybody yet, but have discussed in house how we would handle it. No decisions made yet. We are also in the process of discussing some sort of ring ceremony between the 3 of us. I guess I could use the "loves" label or introduce people to my "wives" but that wouldn't sound right legally. Are they "co-wives"?.....lovers? (yes)....best friends? (yes).....what to do? Since my wife isn't bi and it's me with two women, I need to find the right designation. I guess we could all just walk in and hold up our matching rings when someone asked, huh?

Personally, I consider the relationship "tribal." They are your people, your community, or the co-inhabitants of your tipi; your family. I don't know that the naming conventions are necessary or adequate. I dislike buzzwords, and believe that the descriptions place us in the box that we would like people to be thinking outside of. Roommates is probably the best one, so that nobody gets confused and tries to push a "common law" marriage into place. That could have serious legal implications. I like the idea of forming a "mutual benefit" corporation. Many states have laws to form one. You are together for mutual benefit and protection.
 

TankDiveGirl

New member
So far, I call them:

Missing in Action.

Not many women want to be polyamorous. I suppose I need to find a bi girl, but so many of them are just lying lesbians who fake like they have alternate sexualities. I have recieved so many antagonistic responses from so-called bi women, I just can't believe that they ever intend to be with a man.

I'm sorry to hear this... I am, quite honestly, bisexual. My "primary" partner is another woman, my wife, who is a lesbian. My "secondary" partner is a man, my boyfriend, who is a straight man. The three of us HAVE messed around together, but it's not the basis of this relationship. This relationship is a Vee with me in the middle and L and S as the arms.

I hope that you find what you're looking for, because i know that we bisexual women are out there and willing to do this.

Good luck,
J
 
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alphafour

Guest
I'm sorry to hear this... I am, quite honestly, bisexual. My "primary" partner is another woman, my wife, who is a lesbian. My "secondary" partner is a man, my boyfriend, who is a straight man. The three of us HAVE messed around together, but it's not the basis of this relationship. This relationship is a Vee with me in the middle and L and S as the arms.

I hope that you find what you're looking for, because i know that we bisexual women are out there and willing to do this.

Good luck,
J

Nice to meet you. It could be that the other ladies were quite interested in men, just not me. I have had enough of those from the hetero genre of female;)
 

vampiresscammy

New member
I like the tribal ideology, it sounds very wonderful, just lots of folks sharing love, helping to take care of each other and the little ones running around, sounds very nice, wonder how the reality lives up to it though............ ever curious

I second that the bi ladies are out and about, perhaps you simply havent met the ones for you yet, I'm sorry to all those hurt in love and that there is so many folks out there playing games and not being honest in what hey want, for me personally, yes I'm bi, I'm simply not over the loss of my ladylove to allow another woman close to me, as the men, well, seems I fall for the ones least interested in me out of the group every time, I feel your pain Alpha, if only we could chose whom we fell for, silly hearts, sigh
 

Mark1npt

New member
Thanks for the input.....Yes, the tribal thing got quite the chuckle out of the girls yesterday. We all do live under the same "tepee" after all.....not sure that I like the sound of it though. It sounds kinda "out there"....(like the poly lifestyle isn't, huh?), I think maybe it would get quite a few odd stares from our friends, whereas if we just talked about my loves or "my girls" it would only come off as half as weird.....who knows.

As for you ladies, please keep looking....there are others out there for you...this is a great big world and most of us barely scratch the surface before we have to leave......
 

Lemondrop

New member
This question just came up for us yesterday. I like the idea of "tribe" or "clan" for the group, though "pack" might apply to my quad in particular. My other husband and wife apparently refer to us as puppies as a group.

I usually call them my other husband and my wife. Sometimes I call him my Sunday husband because during the last Renaissance Festival he and I wandered around taking care of the kids while his wife and my husband worked, and our kids started calling us Sunday mommy and Sunday daddy. Sometimes I call them my partners. I won't call her my sister wife, because I'm intimate with her and it's just creepy. If I'm not out to someone, I just refer to them as our dearest friends, best friends, closest friends, etc.

I admit I'd like some better names. Since we're married couples with children, we've all agreed that our marriages must be our primary concern, but I don't like the implication that they aren't as important to me when I say "primary" and "secondary".
 

Mark1npt

New member
Secondary just won't cut it......am seriously thinking of just referring to them as "my girls".......I think early on my wife, as the senior of the two partners, would have taken offense to this term, but I think she is adapting quite well to our threesome and seeing the enjoyinment we all have in it. Clan and tribe just sound so ancient or woodsy.....just my opinion for what it's worth, but in some parts of the country or Canada, woodsy may be where it's at!
 

AutumnalTone

New member
I've used "girlfriend" in the past, though it seems so inadequate. I considered "mistress" and discarded that due to the negative connotations. The "primary/secondary" sort of accounting, while it may be accurate in some degree, feels too sterile to be of much use.

Some friends of ours had a MFF triad. Two of them married and they referred to the third as their "fiance." While I appreciate the thinking behind that, it just doesn't work for me.

Just calling them all "lovers" doesn't resonate with me, either, so I'd love to find a better term. I suspect we're going to have to plunder other languages and coin yet more words to describe our entanglements best.
 

AutumnalTone

New member
Oooh...just did some word searching.

"Betrothed," while accurate, is most commonly associated engagement/marriage. The other definitions get lost by the wayside, so it prolly won't work well.

"Plighted," while also accurate, is also torpedoed by the most commonly used meaning, so the intended meaning would get lost.

Now, "paramour" and "inamorata/inamorato" are accurate and widely understood (by those familiar with the words) in the fashion desired. They also sound much better (at least to me) than "girlfriend/boyfriend"--avoiding the negative connotations (in US culture, anyway) of "mistress" or "lover" (both of which have connotations of illicit affairs).

Plus, there's no need to coin new terms. Works for me. Work for anybody else?
 
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alphafour

Guest
Now, "paramour" and "inamorata/inamorato" are accurate and widely understood (by those familiar with the words) in the fashion desired. ?

I like paramour. I love the band, even if they spell it wrong.
 
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