What's in it for a unicorn?

redpepper

New member
You can find this detailed on other posts here a lot. Sorry I can't quickly come with a link or reference. Look at stuff Ari has posted - he's outlined it very well.....
There are actually 4 relationships in a triad.
you can do a tag search for "unicorns" and find chat of this on any number of threads. I have mentioned it recently and at least half a dozen times before. I can't remember Ari talking about it but maybe I'm wrong.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
You can find this detailed on other posts here a lot. Sorry I can't quickly come with a link or reference. Look at stuff Ari has posted - he's outlined it very well.....
There are actually 4 relationships in a triad.

GS

There are 4 distinct relationships within a triad and even a V.

Person A and Person B
Person B and Person C
Person A and Person C
Person A,B and C

All have their own interactions and relationships to worry about and work on. This becomes infinitely more complex once you start adding more partners.

you can do a tag search for "unicorns" and find chat of this on any number of threads. I have mentioned it recently and at least half a dozen times before. I can't remember Ari talking about it but maybe I'm wrong.

I have my moments ;) :p haha
 

PolyNewbie

New member
There are 4 distinct relationships within a triad and even a V.

Person A and Person B
Person B and Person C
Person A and Person C
Person A,B and C

All have their own interactions and relationships to worry about and work on. This becomes infinitely more complex once you start adding more partners.

I can readily believe the "infinitely more complex." Frankly, just a monogamous married relationship has fully satisfied my need for complexity for the last 20 years, and the thought of managing a 50% increase in the number of people involved is truly daunting. Not quite daunting enough to not give it a shot, though.

My wife and I were talking last night about all the obstacles we're NOT facing, and that's certainly something to be thankful for. We don't have kids, we don't have family that's going to disapprove (although our potential partner does), our circle of friends is pretty progressive and probably won't do more than raise a few eyebrows, we're not members of a church, we don't work for any organizations that are likely to want to fire us if they find out. So it could be a whole lot more daunting than it is. But still.
 
GroundedSpirit said:
For a new person coming in, you don't become a part of this whole web overnight. And maybe you simply shouldn't even desire to ! So I kind of scratch my head when I hear potential unicorns crying about how they can't get all this entanglement ! It's like duhhhhhhhhhh......you get the love, you get (double?) the affection, you may get part of the shelter and other life necessities often at little or no cost to you, you get your freedom to choose how much or how little you want and STILL you don't get what you want ??

Oooooooooooooo-k ! Whatever.

Ugh - this is us with Adrian. To a "T". Every time we give her something she has been trying to "get", she wants another inch, a mile, it's never enough, because complete equality is a measurable thing to her. It;s like she keeps score. She probably won't be around much longer - for her own good more than us "abandoning" her.

Man - too many posts to quote, so I won't bother.

We've managed to cover a lot of "unicorn" ground in the last almost 2 years. From Anne, the unicorn that "wandered into our camp and said hello" - and whom we broke up with not so nicely when she continually lied to us and her ex/not ex and just sort of generally played games, to Lana, the friend/roommate become girlfriend who took it slow with us and looks like will be with us forever, to Adrian, with whom we moved too fast because she fit so well - until we spent a lot of time with her, to playmates and interested other couples and FWB and girlfriends without benefits to unrequited attractions to - well, if it can be dreamed up, we've been there, sometimes more than one at a time.

So what's in it for the unicorn? Well, when things are good, a lot. Most of it has been covered in this thread already. But ask Lana - that mythical "in love with the couple" mindset is all she'll work with. Her connection to each of us is different, and her commitment to the two of us together is astonishing. She;s stuck out some frighteningly bad times with us and for us, walked through fire and worse. And she'll tell you - with us protesting in the background - that it's so much more than worth it that she doesn't consider it hard.

But ask Adrian, and she'll tell you being a Unicorn is HORRIBLE. You never get to be a real equal, the primary couple runs all over you roughshod and rudely.

Ask Anne - well, who cares what she thinks, she's a lying little bitch and needs to grow up, lol. (sorry - still true though)

Violet and Lana finally gave up on salvaging anything with Adrian, but allowed she & I to pursue something separately - a V from the triad, lol. It could have worked very well, and we might consider such an arrangement in the future - but a lot more carefully for sure. Adrian tried dating other guys, but aside from a hookup here & there, couldn't find anyone she connected with as well as with me according to her. But then she complains that it's not fir that I have multiple lovers and she only has me. Grrr... Anyway, i digress...

Unicorn "hunting" is a bad idea beyond a sex partner. You'll get all excited when you find one, and you'll WANT them to fit, and it'll go horribly wrong.

What the new guy has is the best way to go - you stumble on this awesome person and you both like them (her, but it could be a guy too!), and suddenly, it's - "Well - why CAN'T we have another partner in our life? Where is THAT carved in stone?" If you proceed cautiously from there and it seems to be working - GO FOR IT!

Communicate until you're sick of it, then keep doing it anyway. You'll get so sick of relationship talks that you'll want to strangle each other. Don't strangle each other, do keep talking.

You know that thing where you're discovering new things about each other and your relationship via this new dynamic? It'll keep happening. And it won't all be pretty. Sometimes, it'll suck BAD. You will discover things about yourselves and your relationship that wouldn't have ever been discovered without her - wouldn't have NEEDED to be discovered if not FOR her - and you won't like a lot of them.

It's worth it though. :)

Mostly. :rolleyes:
 
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Tonberry

New member
I kinda like "other wife/other husband," because others are not quite sure if you are joking, you know?!

I guess in a triad (or vee) that would work, but if you have more than two partners of the same gender it can become a problem. I mean, would you say "this is my wife, and my other wife, and my other, other wife"?
I think I would just say "this is X and Y, my husbands", if I see both of them as husbands, that is. And then when talking about them, I could say "my first/second/third husband", etc, I guess. Chronologically, that is, it's not about any hierarchy here.
Although I'm getting divorced so I guess that would be confusing too, my first husband won't be my husband for much longer, yet he'll still be my first husband...

Anyway, I find that I have 3 brothers, and no problem differentiating between them. I just use first names, and if someone can't place them I add a few details. I don't see why it should be different for partners, even if you use the same word. If you have a similar relationship with them, I don't see why you couldn't use the same term as well.

Honestly, I wouldn't like being the "other" anything. I don't know why. I guess there are too many negative connotations to being "the other woman". I'd be fine being the girlfriend or the wife, whether the other partner is herself the girlfriend, the wife, the boyfriend, the husband or anything else. I'd be fine with having a number attached to it if it's purely chronological. But I really wouldn't like being the "other" something. Not on a regular basis, that is. If either of us is the "other one" depending on the context, then that's fine.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I introduce by name... then add details as appropriate.

Generally refer to Maca as my husband (cause we're married) and GG as my boyfriend, because it seems to fit...

shrug.

Most of the time I just introduce them as "this is Maca" and "this is GG". ;)
 
This is my Fiance, Violet, an this is OUR girlfriend, Lana, and this is MY girlfriend, Adrian. Emphasis added I type, not so much verbally, lol. Other times they're fiance, gf#1 and gf#2 (always chronologically).

Of course, Adrian chaffes at this; she thinks they should all have the same title, and if they're all girlfriends, she chaffes at being gf#2 or gf#3 (depending on whether or not Violet is referred to as girlfriend) because it makes her soud lesser than them, even though it's chroological - then she says SHE should be #2 because she was sexual before Lana was, even if Lana was technically our girlfriend first... :rolleyes:
 

BlackUnicorn

New member
:D I'd love to be introduced as the Beta gf, as in this is my Alpha, and here's my Beta. I am at my most comfortable, at least right now, being the pack beta female :).

Seriously, though, sometimes I do wonder whether to talk of my bf and his gf and his sub, or his second gf, and whether this would make me the third or second gf? And is he even, like my bf, as are we even dating? And if the situation with the second is still sort of being negotiated out?

Hey, I love married men. I can just be the mistress.
 
Ugh - the submissive thing. This is a HUGE issue in our house right now. Violet wants BDSM to be a lifestyle, not a once in a while thing. Lana wants to be collared with her. They both crave that structure.

Adrian was abused by a BF/Dom in the past, and other than a little bedroom play has ZERO interest in ever living that lifestyle again, be it as Dom or sub.

The other two refuse to live in a TPE or near TPE situation (which they desperately want) with her still living in the house, especially if she is not suject to their same house rules. And naturally, Adrian isn't going to subject herself to those rules, especially since Violet and Lana wrote them.

*sigh*
 

BlackUnicorn

New member
I know it's not supposed to be funny, but there's is something I find amusing to no end with two 'submissives' writing down house rules and then bitching about a third who isn't willing to play by them :D.

Women can be so hard to please sometimes :).
 
Oh, I see the irony, lol, especially from the outside. But in truth it's not quite like that. The "house rules" is a part of their sub contract (I find no end of humor in that term), along with all the rst, hard limits and such. They don't like the idea of being collared and held to their contracts when our "3rd gf" - whom they dislike - has no such "restrictions". It makes thm feel as though they are submissive to her, or rather that she would view it as such. And frankly, knowing Adrian as well as I do, she would throw it in their faces, whether intentionally or not.

The fact is, she has to go. I'm too nice to put her on the street with no vehicle and very little money -and she is blatantly taking advantage of that, though she sees it differently. Such will not be the case much longer.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
From what I know having been here for two years is that many people who have had a successful experience with unicorns just found them by chance, rather than by searching... it seems to me that people have a good friend who turns into something more and then they share their lives together.

For the record, this is exactly how my three-person relationship came together. I'm the "unicorn" in this situation in that I'm a bi female who got involved with a married couple, though not in most of the other senses that people use that word. We were friends in college and stayed in touch afterwards, I was invited into their bed for a threesome, and as time went on I started dating one member of the couple. No plans or schemes or expectations, just natural development over time. Like you and yours boys, RP, we're a vee, not a triad (thus I can't claim true "unicorn" status), but in my case the two "wings" (that is to say me and my girlfriend's lovely husband) are also sexual partners.

Anyway, it's just nice to see the circumstances of my situation described as the basis for what is more likely to work. :)
 

koifish

New member
In a good poly-fi triad, the unicorn can get a lot of love and care from two people instead of one. A group can be a challenging, but fun and sweet dynamic.
 

toralatigra

New member
I suppose I'm a unicorn

we're out there, you just have to be open to us. :)
hey. Would you be willing to write on this thread about what's in it for a unicorn? I would love to know what would make your heart go pitter patter...

RP asked me to comment on this thread since it would seem not many unicorns have responded here.

I think one common thing that I've liked reading in this thread are the people who have brought up to think of unicorn's not as some third, outside, obtainable thing, but as another person. I personally am not really a big fan of the term unicorn since it makes me feel like I'm not a normal person. Or that I am that conquest or addition to a relationship.

When I've talked with a couple, one of the things I preface is my desire to have relationships with each of them, the model mentioned earlier of a&b, b&c, a&c, and a,b &c - is the exact thing I desire. The original couple have things unique to them, that's what made them a couple in the first place, if I try to have a relationship with them - I will always be the third wheel. However if we cultivate relationships as the individuals we are, then I will become an equal in the triad - or at least that's how I see it working/would hope it happens. I think part of it is that if the couple is open to developing relationships as individuals, it shows that the couple is more apt to see me as an equal member, rather than as a secondary thought.

So RP also asked me to comment on what makes my heart go pitter patter, so I think I'll tie that into what's in it for me as a 'unicorn' or as that single bi girl looking for a couple.

There are things about men and women that are very unique. The touch of a man even holding a mans hand differs greatly from the touch or holding the hand of a woman. I love the sensations of both though! Part of the draw of a couple, for me anyways, is that not only would I be satisfying both my needs/desires for a man and a woman, but it would allow me to express my love in many different ways. I find that I express love differently with a man, than I do with a woman. But the other part of the draw is that I know the couple is very capable of love already - by being a couple and having been together for however long (ideally a few years before I would enter the picture) I would be able to see how much love they have for each other, and know that that love is going to be coming my way as well!

Other people have pointed out that an advantage is more love... well I think that's true for all of polyamory - so really the main advantage is not having to deny myself loving a man and a woman.... I dont have to choose one or the other! And that's a big part of what makes my heart go pitter patter - Not having to choose, always having someone to do the things I enjoy doing with - be it him and we go to football games together because she doesnt like football, but i happen to love it! - or her and I go to a spa once a month and soak up the girly goodness of a spa day - which he isn't so into. And when we all come back together, we can cook together, love together, cuddle together... etc... I love being around people, so a triad that allows me to express myself in all aspects of who I am... it just makes me so excited!

RP - I hope this helps, sorry it such a long post!
 

redpepper

New member
thank you! :) long posts? Not a problem... fill your boots. Write as much as you want. I'm so glad that an actual "unicorn," (sorry, the term isn't your fav.) is saying it, rather than me... it makes the info far more valid and personal...
 

Ajcemt

New member
Hopeful unicorn

I just started a ffm relationship as a unicorn, so I m not an expert. In fact had you asked me a week ago if this is where I wouldn't have believed it. A lot of threads are negative to the unicorn, and I wanted to speak out and explain what I get out of our relationship. For the record, i feel like I won the lottery. I am equally attracted to both of them for very different reasons. I have the safety and the freedom to explore in a monagamous relationship. I am fulfilling my fantasies that I never thought could happen, and at the end of the day I walk away with friends I enjoy being around. So I guess I want to encourage unicorn hunters to keep up the vigiliant search. We are out there and we are looking too.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hey Ajcemt, how is it going now, 3 months later? What is the dynamic like with your two partners?
 
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