When do you tell someone you are interested in that you are poly?

vinsanity0

vinsanity0

Active member
I remember reading a couple comments on here by people who met their partners while out and about, as opposed to using a dating site. My question is, when do you spring it on someone that you are poly. In my case I am solo, so there is no wife.

What made me think of this question is the other night I got to talking to someone while I was out. She asked me where I stood on relationships. If we weren't sitting there with three other people I might have just told her then, but I didn't.
 
In a situation where i was out and about and saw someone I was interested in to date I would let it be known "hwy would you be interested in coffee sometime? Full disclosure I am poly and have another partner but we can talk more about that later ". I would bw pretty pissed to discover that while on a date instead of being told in advance. I think any deal breaker type stuff should be brought up before hand
 
The first date, if an opportunity didn't present itself before that. I'd rather be told sooner than later, personally. But if you're not out as poly I can see why there are some reasons you might not want to bring it up while you're in a group of some kind.
 
Since she asked, you could have told her you are not exclusive right now (in public) if you are not "out" about it. And then clarified you are poly (in private.)

Galagirl
 
While arranging the first date or before.
 
Have you done a search? There are about a million previous threads on this topic and links to many of them in the Golden Nuggets forum.

I wish I had a dollar for every time this question is asked and answered here - I'd be filthy rich!!!
 
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I think we deserve $5 a thread.
 
Hi vinsanity0,

Re (from OP):
"When do you tell someone you are interested in that you are poly?"
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Soon, very soon. Within the first few dates, or sooner. Although, there are those who believe that it is okay to wait until you feel some chemistry, or until you feel like it's going to go somewhere beyond a couple of dates.

That's all I got for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
Since she asked, you could have told her you are not exclusive right now (in public) if you are not "out" about it. And then clarified you are poly (in private.)

Galagirl
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That's pretty much what I indicated. It's not that I'm not "out". We had known each other all of 20 minutes when she brought up relationships and I was at a table full of strangers.

Some interesting answers here. I view a date as a way to get to know someone. I would definitely do it on the first date. not later down the line.
 
nycindie said:
Have you done a search? There are about a million previous threads on this topic and links to many of them in the Golden Nuggets forum.

I wish I had a dollar for every time this question is asked and answered here - I'd be filthy rich!!!
Click to expand...

I'm sure just about every poly-related question has been asked and answered in this forum at one time or another. Wouldn't it make for a boring forum if everybody who came here just read and didn't interact with anyone else? I will see what I can find in search though.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I'm sure just about every poly-related question has been asked and answered in this forum at one time or another. Wouldn't it make for a boring forum if everybody who came here just read and didn't interact with anyone else? I will see what I can find in search though.
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I never suggested that you not participate, but you've got a rich resource of threads here to read, and it is perfectly acceptable to add a new post to an old discussion. It just gets so tiresome for regular members to keep answering the same old questions time and time again. When new members neglect to do a search first, it creates more work for everyone and, basically, all the wisdom that has been posted here since 2009 goes to waste.

The search function is your friend!
 
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When is the best time to tell someone? Sometime between "learning their name" and "talking about actually going on a first date". The specific "when" can change depending on a LOT of factors though. I don't think there's a set "within so many minutes of conversation" time.
 
I took the "non-exclusive dating" route with someone. As in, I said I didn't want to date exclusively and they agreed. When we eventually discussed that I was in 2 existing relationships they ended up not being able to handle it. In his mind "non-exclusive" would likely lead to "exclusive" down the line. Since then I have been very quick to bring it up for online dating. I haven't met anyone IRL for years, but would do it quickly for someone I felt was a real interest, not as casual conversation with strangers.
 
I don't have any way to meet anyone in real life... almost everyone I've met has started online. Except Guy, because at that point I was still going to the G-rated get-togethers the AFF folks in my area held, and he was at one of those. Since he met Hubby at the same time he met me, he kinda figured out the poly thing.

Online, I make it clear in both my AFF profile and my OKC one that I'm polyamorous and that my husband is fully aware of what (and who) I do. It definitely has turned off some people who might otherwise have been interested. On the other hand, S2, who was interested in me in large part *because* I'm polyamorous (he believed he was too, and he was only two months out of his marriage so didn't want to date anyone who was looking to ride the relationship escalator) ultimately couldn't handle it; it was one of several factors that contributed to the demise of our relationship, because as time went on he became more and more afraid that "the wrong person" would find out he was dating a married woman.

And since some people don't read profiles, or at least not fully, if I message someone on either site I usually say in the message that I'm poly. Aside from being honest, it helps weed out people who think poly is cheating, since those guys will usually start by saying something like "Oh, your husband doesn't keep you satisfied? Does he know you're here?"
 
I bring it up right away.

I could never have a monogamous relationship, and it would be a complete waste of time for me to get involved with someone who isn't also poly. I screen for that just like I screen for other big stuff like religion (I'm an atheist), kids (I'm childfree), closets, locale, etc, etc, etc

Something else that tends to happen is that people who are actually monogamous try to pretend to be poly to keep their hooks in you if you don't bring it up until they are already attached to you. It's really best to just get it out of the way IMO. Nothing good can come from withholding such a vital piece of information, unless you're willing to go monogamous for the right partner.
 
PurpleSun said:
I could never have a monogamous relationship, and it would be a complete waste of time for me to get involved with someone who isn't also poly. I screen for that just like I screen for other big stuff like religion (I'm an atheist), kids (I'm childfree), closets, locale, etc, etc, etc

Something else that tends to happen is that people who are actually monogamous try to pretend to be poly to keep their hooks in you if you don't bring it up until they are already attached to you. It's really best to just get it out of the way IMO. Nothing good can come from withholding such a vital piece of information, unless you're willing to go monogamous for the right partner.
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You bring up an excellent point that I had not considered. I'm not sure that would happen after one date though. They would have to think I'm pretty special.
 
vinsanity0 said:
You bring up an excellent point that I had not considered. I'm not sure that would happen after one date though. They would have to think I'm pretty special.
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Nah, they wouldn't be attached like that after one date most likely, you're right. I just bring up the big stuff right away, so that if we're not a match, we can each move along and not waste each other's time, and maybe even be friends if we get along otherwise.
 
If I feel that things are going a bit further than a casual friendly date or light innocent flirtation, I tend to "drop the bomb" ASAP, though couched in cushiness. Like, mentioning "my girlfriends" might get overlooked or mis-heard, but referring to some cool project being done by "my girlfriend's husband" is either going to draw a line or open up a whole LOT of lively conversation.:)

Over the years, I've met most of my partners through our social network. Many knew my wife (Anna) & one or more of my lovers before they met me.:D If someone was chatting me up at a party, Anna might stop by briefly, to ask if we were staying late or to tell my who she'd seen or some such, so it was rather clear that I had a warm, friendly relationship with my spouse & that she wasn't jealous of another woman.

Over the years, science fiction conventions have been the best situations. It's VERY difficult to be unclear of being nonmonogamous when, every few minutes, a past or present lover stops to say hi!
 
Since this thread came back up I figured I'd post something of an update. I ran into the woman again at the same place. I stepped out on the front patio and there she was. It turned out she had one digit of my number wrong and thought I hadn't answered her text. I gave her the right number again. As we were walking back in she asked if I wanted to hear from her. I said yes. She walked over to her table, saying her son was on her way to pick her up. I said it was nice running into her...then went and sat at the bar with Elle. She hasn't texted me in a week and a half. I guess that is one way to tell someone. :rolleyes:
 
vinsanity0 said:
I said it was nice running into her...then went and sat at the bar with Elle. She hasn't texted me in a week and a half. I guess that is one way to tell someone. :rolleyes:
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Wait, did you have a convo with her about not being exclusive or did you let her infer wahtever she inferred? I think most women would be utterly confused and wary if they just "witnessed" and didn't get any explanation. I know I would and I'm poly!
 
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