When does a budding romance become an "agreement"?


New member
Hello! I’m new and need some help. I have a question, or sort of a couple scenarios and a then a few questions.

For the following stories, pretend “you” are me.

The first story takes place in Mono World™: You make a friend of an “attracted to” sex (assume female and make it easy on me). This is someone you find attractive, and with whom you share a lot in common interest-wise. You are shy and a slow mover, you don’t ask her to “date” you, but you spend time together, going to movies, meeting for coffee, lunch, dinner, drinks, and in ever increasing frequency. It seems quite obvious that she is attracted and interested in you as much as you are in her. Feelings of affection grow. One evening, before you say goodbye, you step closer, and lean in for a kiss, which she returns with passion. And now it’s clear that the relationship is romantic, that you are indeed “dating”. It happened naturally and at its own pace, and it blossomed beautifully. It never felt scripted.

In the Second scenario, you are new to poly. You’ve been married for many years, and you’ve never had a second relationship. So, you make a friend, as before. She’s poly. You tell your wife about this friend you’ve made. You start spending time with this new friend. You tell your wife you are interested in her romantically, but nothing has “happened” yet aside from spending time together and flirting. You’ve met her spouse a few times. She has met yours. They have met each other. Your kids like their dog. You continue to spend more time together- feelings of affection grow, but you have not talked about it explicitly- it seems like you’re both just letting it happen. Then one evening, before you say goodbye, you think about stepping in closer to lean in for a kiss… (cue needle scratching on record). Wait, wait, now what? Your wife knows you are interested and you’ve been given the go ahead, but what about your new “friend” and her spouse? Do you stop now and “have a talk” about it? Do you assume that since everyone has met everyone else that it must be okay? Having a talk about it first seems so unromantic and anticlimactic, like making a business deal or something. What do you do?

Oh please help.

I'm just gonna bump this because I too ponder about the very same thing. My only opinion on it is, in the "ideal situation", the first or original relationship wouldn't be poly/mono couples and so the relationships would already have a free and open air to them so that romantic relationships can blossom freely without "arrangements"...That's all for now.
Wrong movie

stepping in closer to lean in for a kiss… (cue needle scratching on record).

You are so in the wrong movie.

They lean in for a kiss. Romantic music swells. Z/I and slow pan around the couple. Eventually, they come up for air.

SLUGGY: (mischieviously) Well... that makes things a bit more complicated.

DATE: (breathy) Yeah, I guess it does. (we need a name for this character -- ed.)

SLUGGY: (looking her in the eyes) I'd really like to see where this goes.

DATE: (smiling, but breaks eye contact) I think I need to have a talk with my spouse. So... next time?

SLUGGY: (nodding) Yeah, next time.

Z/O. We follow her from SLUGGY's POV as she gets in her car and starts driving off. END SCENE.

So, maybe there are tons of poly- couples out there that have some sort of "you need to have an extensive discussion with me before you kiss anybody" rule. I wouldn't go around assuming that as a given, though. If that's the case, you need to trust your date to gracefully turn that kiss moment into a (preferably light-hearted and still flirty) conversation about what happens next.
agreeing with jkelly on this one. Being light hearted and flirty is the way to go. It keeps it romantic and respectful... alluding to the fact that you would really like to but it would be more meaningful after a check in...
hehe, I love the "cue record scratch" ... perfect visual...

So you lean in for the kiss and... WHAT HAPPENED??!? I'm so curious! Or was that hypothetical. Oh, you're such a tease...

A kiss is just a kiss. Lean in for it and if she returns it passionately, you're safe to assume she's "allowed" to kiss you. Otherwise she'll give you her cheek or avoid it all together.

I figure, any really awesome date has a chance of ending with a kiss, at least from second date on.

And even if you do end up talking about it and there's awkwardness, stuff like that is a good measure of your compatibility. If you're too uncomfortable to talk about a kiss, what on earth will you do down the road if there is, for example, an unplanned pregnancy??
A very happy ending

Okay, so in real life this played out a little differently. We’d already had a date planned for Saturday (this was the imagined scene 2 in question), but before the day came, she suggested that we might have a friendly but more serious conversation at some point during the evening.

She picked me up for dinner looking no less than stunning than usual, and we enjoyed casual conversation over a nice and not too heavy meal, before changing the venue to the bar/lounge of a slightly nicer restaurant, where we had a couch in an alcove all to ourselves. We had a drink, we talked about each other’s expectations of a serious relationship, we traded cute stories about our developing interest in each other. We sat close and talked, and when the evening was late we walked back to the car, which sat quite alone on the far end of the parking lot. And just as we got to the car I pulled her close for that first kiss. Almost two hours later there we still were, enjoying that first kiss, over and over while it rained gently on us in the warm night.

The audience had long gone home.

It was a truth so much better than I could have planned or imagined. It seems pretty unreal, and now almost 24 hours later, I’m still feeling pretty breathless over it.

Thanks for reading, and for your insight. Thank you especially jkelly for the very entertaining response :D

A Very Happy Sluggy