When the Primary Becomes The "Who Are You Again?"

veryconfused

New member
I originally had a much longer explanation, but here's the less-than-200-words-condensed-version:

My S/O and I tried poly once before.

The person we were with wasn't a good fit—now there is a new gf in the mix and she is PERFECT for my S/O. I have never seen him so happy before, throughout the 14 years we've been with each other.

They work together(remotely), have so much to talk about and just love the others' company. He's been far more sexually enthusiastic with her than with me—and she's only been visiting for a little over a week, now. Since she wanted to get to know him better anyway, and because I'm demi and would rather start out being friends with her first, I slept in another room for their privacy.

The 3 of us were supposed to do a lot of bonding.

Instead, the majority of the time she's been here, she and my S/O have had the door to the bedroom—our bedroom—closed while spending 20+ hours each day together, save for taking time to eat and use the bathroom.

I can't tell if this the end and I should move out, or to continue pursuing a friendship with her for the 3 of us.
 

sunray

New member
Hey there, veryconfused!

If you poke around this site some, you may run across the term ‘NRE’ or ‘New Relationship Energy’. It’s basically what we polyfolk call that mad rush of feel-good brain chemicals that comes from getting involved with a new person (especially sexually). It seems pretty clear from here that your husband is totally high on oxytocin with his new partner right now, and not thinking clearly.

Managing NRE in a considerate way so that existing partners don’t feel neglected is a tough challenge for even longtime, experienced polyamorists. And if you and your husband are going to continue down this road, it’s obviously something he needs to start working on as soon as possible.

So sorry you’re catching the short end of the stick here! But you should know that it’s pretty normal, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband has one foot out the door—just that he’s not entirely in his right mind right now. I hope that you will be able to manage how scary it feels when your usual signals of relationship security get thrown into upheaval like this so that you can explain to him calmly that you need some extra reassurance and attention. And I hope that he will be able to see through that love-drunk haze, and listen.

Best of luck!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I can't tell if this the end and I should move out, or to continue pursuing a friendship with her for the 3 of us.

I'm sorry you struggle.

If she isn't local and she's visiting for a week for the first time? And they are obsessed with each other? I think that's more about poor trip planning than it being "the end" and you having to move out. Don't jump the gun on that just because there was a wonky feeling visit.

I can imagine that you feel left out because this was supposed to be a trip for 3 people getting to know each other. Then they got pretty caught up in NRE. That isn't an excuse for poor manners. But perhaps the experience is teaching you that...

1) A guest could be at a hotel and he could visit her over there for overnights. When she comes visit both of you at your home? She/them can go away at the end of the day. Then you ALL have some private space for yourselves later on at bedtime. This sounds like too much togetherness too soon.

Don't give up your bed just because you have a guest. It sounds like you learned that if one area of your life if gonna be ruffled due to a visit, maybe you need your normal routines in other areas to help weather that out. So stay in your bed and keep your normal routines at home on the next visit.

2) Rethink if you really want to be doing a triad. It's ok to be demi and want to be friends first before dating her... but maybe it's better NOT to date her? Maybe it's better for you guys to be Open and date separate people instead of trying to date the same one and end up "competing" for the same GF. Then you can just be friendly towards his other partners. No expectation of becoming best friends or lovers with them. That might be easier for you to do.

3) When the trip is over and there's been time to rest? Talk to your partner about how the trip was for you. It sounded a little poly hell - ish. Talk about how to better manage NRE so eveyone gets what they want/need and not like the NRE people are all wheeee! while its dinging the other one.

Because who knows? Some other time it might be the shoe on the other foot where YOU are the one in NRE and he's the one feeling out on the edges.

Galagirl
 

veryconfused

New member
Thank you so much for your help and advice Sunray and GalaGirl!

She was originally supposed to stay for just a week. Then that week was planned to become 2, but she cut it short so she could fly back home today, pack her things, and move in with me and my S/O.

Earlier in the first week, I brought up to him that he was spending too much time only with her while breaking some huge personal barriers just for her that he's had with me for 14 years. (Because of his martial arts background, he was very huge on "i don't like being touched. Please respect my space". Yet, despite this, after some years, he did get into the habit of holding me when we slept. I was grateful.) But now, he lets the new gf drape herself all over him and follow him around when he gets food--- she may as well be the clothes he's wearing. It took him a day, but he apologized for isolating himself and for not telling me he had worked himself through the "no touching" barrier. He said things would be different starting that day.

Plot twist! Nothing changed.

I don't mind if they have sex and are close. That's how relationships are. What I do mind is he's submerged entirely in her...and I've been sleeping alone since she got here. He doesn't come to where I am to talk unless there's a problem or the two of them have made a decission on something. We do talk via messaging, but it's scant and he doesn't always answer right away--if at all in the same day.

Just yesterday when we passed the other in the hall, he uttered a distant "Hello" like I was some stranger in the street he caught gawking at him.

When I knock on the bedroom door, he either answers with closing the door behind him or standing directly in the doorway, asking "...Yes...?"

Don't give up your bed just because you have a guest. It sounds like you learned that if one area of your life if gonna be ruffled due to a visit, maybe you need your normal routines in other areas to help weather that out. So stay in your bed and keep your normal routines at home on the next visit.

I would have gotten my bed back, today--but something important happened and she decided to stay. Part of me does feel guilty because of the demi-ness that, he imagined we'd all be sleeping in the same bed but I told him I wanted to be friends with her at least, first, so sharing the bed isn't what happened.

There was talk of her moving into the room I'd been sleeping in and that was cool until I found out she was the only one who wanted this--my S/O did not. Hearing that, I might have translated it wrongly into: "I only want to sleep next to her, now."

I would have found if that were true or not out today if she left, but unless he and I talk about it, I probably won't find out until later in the future.

It's ok to be demi and want to be friends first before dating her... but maybe it's better NOT to date her? Maybe it's better for you guys to be Open and date separate people instead of trying to date the same one and end up "competing" for the same GF.

That's a great point.

And I hope that he will be able to see through that love-drunk haze, and listen.

Me too. Just a couple days ago, I expressed how he seemed to be brainwashed since she came to visit. He, of course, denied it.

He's usually a heavily rational and practical person; I can't wait for him to "wake up".

Otherwise, I just feel replaced. On the one hand, I'm glad he's finally with someone he truly connects with. On the other, if she can supply him with so much in such a short amount of time...what am I doing here?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for more info.

Earlier in the first week, I brought up to him that he was spending too much time only with her...

So? He could spend too much time bowling. And you still don't get what you want. Couple time with him alone.

You could ask for what you ACTUALLY want/need more directly rather than bringing her into it. Otherwise he might pull the "you are just jealous!" card when really it's about him neglecting to spend time with you. Could keep the focus on the behaviors.

She was originally supposed to stay for just a week. Then that week was planned to become 2, but she cut it short so she could fly back home today, pack her things, and move in with me and my S/O.

WHY is she moving in with you guys so fast? :confused:

And did you have a voice in this decision? Or is it just being thrust on you?

I would have gotten my bed back, today--but something important happened and she decided to stay.

What's the something important?

And she just up and decides to stay? Or he just decides this?

And you did not say "No, thanks. That was not part of the visit plan. I did a week like I said. Now I'd like my bed back. How about hotel til you get a flat of your own in the area?"

Exercising personal boundaries is not being mean.

Part of me does feel guilty because of the demi-ness that, he imagined we'd all be sleeping in the same bed but I told him I wanted to be friends with her at least, first, so sharing the bed isn't what happened.

If HE thinks in error, why do YOU feel guilty? You didn't do the assuming.

And why is he RUSHING to bed share? For sleep and/or sex? Some trio fantasy thing of his?

You do not have to feel guilty about being demi. That has nothing to do with any of this.

You sound like you basically agreed to give up your bed for a familiar stranger to come visit for one week. (Never mind if that was a great choice or not at this point -- esp since you do actually have another guest bedroom from the sound of it.)

It's now been you giving an extra week of her using your bed. You want your normal bed back. And she's just decided to stay here and move in?

I think it's ok to tell her "I would like my own bed back. How about a hotel til you find a flat of your own?"

There was talk of her moving into the room I'd been sleeping in and that was cool until I found out she was the only one who wanted this--my S/O did not. Hearing that, I might have translated it wrongly into: "I only want to sleep next to her, now."

I do not understand. Are you saying something like...

"We have the master bedroom that he and I normally share. During this week visit, I was willing to stay in the other bedroom so they could have privacy.

Now that she wants to move in, she wanted to move into the guest bedroom where I've been. My SO doesn't want that. He wants her with him in the master bedroom."

Is that what you are saying? Could you be willing to clarify?

Otherwise, I just feel replaced. On the one hand, I'm glad he's finally with someone he truly connects with. On the other, if she can supply him with so much in such a short amount of time...what am I doing here?

They both sound NRE high. Plus Poly hell things for you. Would he read that article?

Me too. Just a couple days ago, I expressed how he seemed to be brainwashed since she came to visit. He, of course, denied it.

Well, if he's caught up in being NRE blind, unlikely he will SEE that he is NRE blind easily. Cuz blind.

But def moving too fast on some of this. You guys don't even know each other well much less know if you are compatible roomies. And they don't know each other that well dating wise yet either if this is her first visit. If she's moving to town, can't she get a flat of her OWN instead of living with you guys?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-living-styles-should-we-all-live-together

I hope he wakes up too and sees some sense.

I hope YOU also wake up and start saying "No" to some over the guest overstepping.

What if they are all NRE lala right now but later they break up and she's moved in. Now you are stuck living with his most recent ex? Or she's like a squatter that won't budge? You have to be inconvenienced this way in your home by his and her poor decisions?

A person just can't up and extend their stay or move into your home without your say so. If you only agreed to be host for a week and the week is up? Guest...
C'mon. Don't overstay your welcome. There's plenty hotels around.

Why are you giving in so much? :confused:

Is it that he owns/rents the home? And you aren't on the mortgage/lease?

Galagirl
 
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veryconfused

New member
You could ask for what you ACTUALLY want/need more directly rather than bringing her into it. Otherwise he might pull the "you are just jealous!" card when really it's about him neglecting to spend time with you. Could keep the focus on the behaviors.

I've told him twice, so far, the specific things I wanted via message and vocally. I also told him while I was happy that he was now very happy, I was also jealous of her. He latched on to the jealousy part but, that was several days ago. As time goes on, his outlook will have to change.

What's the something important?

And she just up and decides to stay? Or he just decides this?

And you did not say "No, thanks. That was not part of the visit plan. I did a week like I said. Now I'd like my bed back. How about hotel til you get a flat of your own in the area?"

Exercising personal boundaries is not being mean.

As to not descriptively put his business out there, it was a health related something important so she decided to stay by his side a little longer. But she still plans to fly back to her place to pack at some point.

I don't have it in me to say such bold things yet in those exact words haha but I will bring it up to him again, later. There was a moment of weakness yesterday, and a couple days before, where I suggested for them to keep the bedroom and I move into the guest room if he was so fixated on her--as I wouldn't want to lay down next to him and have him lament she isn't; call me her by mistake; or hear him regret how he didn't travel with her when she goes to pack...despite her moving into the house anyway.

But that article you shared with me details a looot of what's been going on and I will be sure to show him.


And why is he RUSHING to bed share? For sleep and/or sex? Some trio fantasy thing of his?

All of that.

I do not understand. Are you saying something like...

"We have the master bedroom that he and I normally share. During this week visit, I was willing to stay in the other bedroom so they could have privacy.

Now that she wants to move in, she wanted to move into the guest bedroom where I've been. My SO doesn't want that. He wants her with him in the master bedroom."
Is that what you are saying? Could you be willing to clarify?

Yeah, exactly what I'm saying. There are two ways I've looked at it: 1. As you've described, to keep sleeping next to her 2. Wanting the 3 of us to sleep next to each other. What I didn't ask was if he wanted just me to lay next to him again. Maybe I won't need to.

But def moving too fast on some of this. You guys don't even know each other well much less know if you are compatible roomies. And they don't know each other that well dating wise yet either if this is her first visit. If she's moving to town, can't she get a flat of her OWN instead of living with you guys?

They've been part of the same online course, and chatted over 3 months before she decided to fly down here. Originally, she was trying to get herself a new place to live in another state, but after they connected so well over the net and through phone calls, she wanted to spend time with him in person. I never thought to ask if she could get her own place nearby, but I could. Although, the S/O and I have been wanting to move out of this house for years and we may be able to do it soon. In that respect, her moving in to the house saves her a ton of cash but yeah, I can still ask about it.


A solid article that I will need to reread multiple times. Thank you.

I hope he wakes up too and sees some sense.

I hope YOU also wake up and start saying "No" to some over the guest overstepping.

Agreed. I'm getting very close to speaking my entire mind on the whole thing. One problem is, despite my sassy and sarcastic attitude being one of the main qualities he became attracted to in the first place, he now hates it when I act as...well, myself...in discussions. I've mentioned it MANY times over the years, even when it was just us. How can he desire that kind of quality in a woman, but then tell her to tone it down or get rid of it, too? Huh?????? But I did. I went from having all the confidence in the world and breathing fire when I needed to...to wearing a type of invisibilty cloak to hide away from almost everything-- squeaking like a mouse. I had to learn to let a lot of things go...to not confront every little thing I thought was an issue...to not be set in only seeing situations from one perspective... but then being so quiet--along with the "respect my space" request of his probably has caused me to become distant.

I can say with 100% certainty that I am NOT the best S/O for him, or probably anyone. But I do care and his happiness is more important than my own...which is why I was so accepting of this new gf because her connection with him just truly made him SO. HAPPY. Like, finally, he's actually 1000% happy in a romantic relationship, as opposed to just being "fine" or "content".

Why are you giving in so much?

I never want to take that happiness from him.

But I do need to focus on making sure I'm happy, too. Overall, I'm a fool haha I know.

If things eventually improve--or if they don't-- in the next week or month, I should have a better idea of which road to consider taking.

All advice, and those articles, have helped me tremendously!!! I have a much better understanding of what to expect or look out for. Thank you!

What if they are all NRE lala right now but later they break up and she's moved in. Now you are stuck living with his most recent ex? Or she's like a squatter that won't budge? You have to be inconvenienced this way in your home by his and her poor decisions?

I won't hide the truth in the slight relief I'd find in them breaking up of their own accord--as while she does appear to care for him, she also seems to have a very demanding libido--and if sex is something that takes up 80% of her mind, that has me inwardly questioning things like:

How will you, effectively, take care of him if an emergency happens?

How will you tend to the house?

What the heck are you going to do while he needs to rest instead of staying in bed yourself, too?

How do you expect to have anyone else to talk to when you stay cooped up with him and are only attached to him?

What backup plan do you have if you find out you chose the wrong career path and need to do something different from what he does, now?

What else are you about...what can you do...aside from speak sweetly and offer touch and conversation?

Selfishly, I would have preferred he picked someone who was already "established" in the "I know what I'm doing. Let's get things done and all work together" type of way...instead of "I'm cute, charming and determined but um...what's going on again? The only one in my world is you. Let me be your shadow. Sex now, plz?"

I don't hate her. In the few times we've talked, I do believe there is some progress---but she just isn't "all there" to me--and I know that's really unfair for me to say before I get to know her better.

Welp, all we can do is continue forward and see what happens.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
So he had a health thing of some kind and that's why she stayed another week? And is moving in? To be at his side during this health issue?

Originally, she was trying to get herself a new place to live in another state, but after they connected so well over the net and through phone calls, she wanted to spend time with him in person. I never thought to ask if she could get her own place nearby, but I could.

With her own flat? She can still spend time with him in person.

And while you still might have problems with how he deals with his time management across two partners? Then she's not underfoot in your home and you all have some space.

If you cannot solve all the things, at least REDUCE the load on your plate.

Although, the S/O and I have been wanting to move out of this house for years and we may be able to do it soon. In that respect, her moving in to the house saves her a ton of cash but yeah, I can still ask about it.

Presumably she was prepared to pay for a flat of her own before, so that doesn't change any with her getting a flat here.

You might want to rethink getting a new place with SO when this house is over.

Maybe you all might function better with each one having their own place? He can visit whoever at their home or invite them to his. And whether or not you start seeing other people? You don't have either one of them underfoot in your space where you cannot get a break from it. You get to invite who you want to come over when you actually want the company.

One problem is, despite my sassy and sarcastic attitude being one of the main qualities he became attracted to in the first place, he now hates it when I act as...well, myself...in discussions. I've mentioned it MANY times over the years, even when it was just us. How can he desire that kind of quality in a woman, but then tell her to tone it down or get rid of it, too? Huh?????? But I did. I went from having all the confidence in the world and breathing fire when I needed to...to wearing a type of invisibilty cloak to hide away from almost everything-- squeaking like a mouse.

This is a separate problem.

Sounds like you aren't the real authentic you around him. So you might want to think about that also. Like... Why are you shrinking yourself? To "keep the peace?"

Or is he one of those types that loves a "challenge" and bails later? Either because the reality is "too real" and they prefer the fantasy you?

Or because they already squished you and they want a new one to squish?

Or something else?

But I do care and his happiness is more important than my own...which is why I was so accepting of this new gf because her connection with him just truly made him SO. HAPPY. Like, finally, he's actually 1000% happy in a romantic relationship, as opposed to just being "fine" or "content".

You don't think each person is responsible for creating their OWN happiness?

And if he's not cool with "fine" or "content" he could just move on without you in the search for his happiness. You don't have to be a doormat. You aren't being mean to people by simply asserting yourself and being your own person. You are allowed to take up the space you do in the world. Just like everyone else does.

I never want to take that happiness from him. But I do need to focus on making sure I'm happy, too. Overall, I'm a fool haha I know.

I don't know what is "haha" about it. :(

I do hope that you start taking better care of your FIRST. Not like you are selfish in a "mememememe" way. But in a self care way.

You attend to you FIRST in the morning right? You pee, brush teeth, etc before trying to help other people with stuff they ask you to help with right?

Or do you leap in to serve everyone else while neglecting your own basics? I sure hope not.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello veryconfused,

While NRE seems to be his excuse, the bottom line is that your significant other is neglecting you. Tell him this. Say, "Honey, you are neglecting me. I need more of your time and attention." If his girlfriend is going to move in with you, it's not like you can expect things to be done with her within a week or two. You'll have to speak up for yourself ... or who will? Your S/O needs a wake-up call. It's great that he's happy, but what about your happiness? How long can you go on like this? How long do you want to go on? These are things to consider.

Hopefully his outlook will change.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

veryconfused

New member
Thank you for more of your help and insight!

I told him I was being neglected and he denied it. I sent him the article, mentioning it described a lot of things that were going on in the relationship. I don't even know if he read the whole thing before telling me it didn't. He asked what the point of me sending it to him was.

We argued a bit--like how it was my idea for them to have the bedroom and now I was having "buyer's remorse" while I was trying to tell him she was replacing me...I pointed out how he doesn't make himself available for me to even console him, anymore. He said I just didn't get it. ...That he had told me before(?) a building period between the two of them needed to happen and I was going into full dog mode(censoring) about it. I countered with he can still build with her without neglecting me too--otherwise there's no reason for group activities or a triad at all.

I asked if he even wanted me to sleep next to him anymore and never got an answer...so far, it seems anytime I remind him that he didn't answer a question, he gets defensive about it. I also asked if he was still interested in me, sexually.

Overall, that conversation ended with me reassuring him I wanted him to share his heart and thoughts with me again(There had been a few times last week up to a night ago,where he was very stressed...but didn't message me or come up to the room to talk at all. So I brought it upto him).

What I didn't expect today was, after I made and served their dinner, he invited me in for a group activity we were supposed to engage in several times last week but never did. I was both surprised but happy about that. We got along very well.


At 3 in the morning, he messages me saying the group activity was good and how he wanted things to be.

It was fun, but she's still the one getting 99.9% his time, while less than an hour with me is good enough, now?

Although, maybe I deserve this.

In the previous poly relationship we had, he told me he eagerly chose to spend 15+ hours a day with me while only needing 1-2 with the former gf. He didn't need to spend entire days with her.

I guess the joke's on me now. Maybe it's karma?

For this new situation, I keep thinking about it and starting to agree that it IS is all my fault. I never should have let the new gf share the bedroom with him in the first place. But, knowing him, they would have wound up in it anyway(the day she was to arrive to visit, I went out of town a few days for their privacy). He is also very convincing.

Oh, and if you're wondering about why I made only them food--there was actually a huge deal about this that I got blamed for and I thought he was totally in the wrong but the fault wound up being pinned on me.

I've been cooking his meals for many years since it became difficult for him to. After arriving back home from my mini trip, we all went to the store and stocked up. But he was so focused on the new gf, the fresh food was forgotten about for a week+.

He had been ordering junk food for the two of them to eat while I was away on my trip, and continued to get more take out after getting groceries. So, instead of continuing to watch them eat things like cake, ramen, sloppy pizza and soggy Chinese food, I asked him what they would like for dinner.

Sounds perfectly fine, right? It's totally normal for the person who normally cooks in the house to ask what should be made, right?

He gave his answer, and after the food was made, I knocked on the bedroom door. His exact words, while taking the plates from me were: "Cool. Thanks." And then I shut the door.

The next morning, I message him, saying I'll be fixing the breakfast. He sent a message much later, after I had already finished cooking that he wanted to take us out to eat instead. Ok. No problem! I wrapped the breakfast up and put it in the fridge. As I went to the bedroom door, I could see through its glass that the same dinner I made the night before was just sitting atop the gaming table.

Still wrapped, and untouched.

To make things worse, I saw her laptop next to the plates, yet no one bothered to tell me they weren't going to eat it or to just put it in the fridge, themselves.

He and I got into a HUGE argument--dealing with since he paid for the food, he can do whatever he wants with it and me cooking it was an act of me being entitled and taking control of other people's things. My complaint was it was a waste of food, regardless of who bought it! Of course, he had to point out how much he hated my "attitude". And that attitude has made him not want to do anything with me for years.

Eventually, I just went for a long walk to a park and just chilled there for about 5 hours to think things over and then clear my head. I have no idea if he even noticed I was gone, or where I was. He did message me after some time, explaining how I was wrong and how we were just going in circles; he was tired of arguing; how his offer to take us all out to eat was to try and fix "this relationship" (That made me raise a brow. I had no idea his and my relationship needed such "fixing". Why use a word like that?)

Excuse me for caring that the two of them weren't eating very well. His health isn't the best, and he pushes himself through work while pleasing the new gf and teaching her how to improve since they're doing the same things. Eating all that greasy food, if he felt like eating at all that day, wasn't good for him.

But, he then "banned" me from cooking anymore meals for them--and to use my own money to make food for myself.

I wasn't ok with his behavior at all and told him, but in the end, I agreed. And then I ate their unwanted breakfast, myself.

Fast forward to today, he was suddenly fine with me cooking the food again------like I regularly used to do for him for a decade+.

Something even more bizzare was he told me they ate the neglected left-overnight dinner and it was fine.

I understand NRE is a huuuge deal. I even told him it was serious business, but he just refuses to see it as an issue. It's just my fault, huh?

Now, it's after 5am and I just can't sleep. Being able to lay next to him was the main reason I ever got into bed at a decent-ish time in the first place. Since he's unavailable to get in bed with, insomnia and I are become good buddies again. Pretty sure the wall and ceiling are a bit cross I keep staring at them tho.

I will continue to see how things go. But...I think I will prepare to possibly move elsewhere if he continues to be far more wrapped up in her as time passes.

Maybe I'm just missing something that only he gets, or I'm seeing the situation wrongly...I don't know. My mind's too fuzzy to think properly right now.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Are you sure he's capable of poly? It definitely sounds like he's in NRE and making lots of rookie mistakes. The desire to spend more time with the new partner and less with existing partners is common during the early days. A more experienced poly person learns how to balance that desire with the needs of existing partners to nurture both relationships and not neglect the established relationships. That takes practice. Some people get it quicker than others.

But, some people also just aren't capable of that. The fact that this is his second time doing the same thing (spending all his time/energy on the new partner while giving the existing partner scraps) makes me wonder if he's capable of maintaining two relationships. A lot of people have this fantasy of triads, cohabitating with multiple partners, and group sex but don't have the ability or desire to put in the effort that maintaining multiple relationships requires.

I also find it concerning how he blame shifts rather than accept responsibility. That's not cool. It makes honest communication difficult because it puts you on defense.

I think it would be wise to start looking at alternative living arrangements. If he won't budge on her moving into your home and your bedroom, you may want to move out. Living with him and her if nothing else changes, is a breeding ground for major resentments for you. That doesn't sound like a peaceful home environment.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Edited to add: If you decide to stick out all three living together, you could start by communicating your needs without focusing on theirs. "I would like to have X amount of alone time with you per week, are you willing to do that?" You could also stop accommodating them. Don't worry about their needs. They are capable of tending to themselves. If he wishes to eat junk food, that's his choice. You can still make yourself food and let them know if there are leftovers in the fridge, but I wouldn't cook for them specifically, bring food to them, or expect them to eat with me. I'm also a huge advocate for counseling/therapy. It will help you clarify what your needs and boundaries are and learn how to communicate them.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for venting here.

SHORT VERSION

I am sorry this is happening. But you know what? Don't wait. Go ahead an move out. Now that you tell more of your story? It sounds like you have bigger problems than NRE.

You have a mean BF who treats you poorly, blames you for stuff, devalues your contributions to the household, and plays head games.

You wondered in your first post if you should get out. Now that I read more? I think you are right. End it and get out now while he's busy with the new GF. Less likely he will come chasing you down for trying to leave then because he's already occupied.

LONG VERSION

I told him I was being neglected and he denied it.

Not possible to deny. You are THERE. If he is spending X hours with her and Y hours with you? That's X and Y hours.

If he's not owning his behavior? That's him not taking personal responsibility. It doesn't mean it didn't happen at all.

I believe you that it is happening.

I sent him the article, mentioning it described a lot of things that were going on in the relationship. I don't even know if he read the whole thing before telling me it didn't. He asked what the point of me sending it to him was.

The point is to communicate how you feel. He doesn't seem interested in hearing it... because then he'd have to take some personal responsibility for his actions.

We argued a bit--like how it was my idea for them to have the bedroom and now I was having "buyer's remorse" while I was trying to tell him she was replacing me...

You agreed ONE WEEK. You kept your end of the deal.

It's past one week, and now he's blame shifting his poor behavior on to you. Plus putting "buyer's remorse" words into you mouth. YOU get to say what you think and what you feel. He doesn't get to do that.

Overall, that conversation ended with me reassuring him I wanted him to share his heart and thoughts with me again

That sounds like more head games. You bring up a concern and you end up reassuring HIM? Rather than the other way around?

Although, maybe I deserve this.

You deserve poor treatment? WHY? :confused:

Nobody deserves poor treatment.

For this new situation, I keep thinking about it and starting to agree that it IS is all my fault. I never should have let the new gf share the bedroom with him in the first place. But, knowing him, they would have wound up in it anyway(the day she was to arrive to visit, I went out of town a few days for their privacy). He is also very convincing.

You know your BF plays head games with you, right? :confused:

Oh, and if you're wondering about why I made only them food--there was actually a huge deal about this that I got blamed for and I thought he was totally in the wrong but the fault wound up being pinned on me.

More head games. He can make his guest food. You don't have to.

He sounds like he blames everything on you.

You know you do not exist to be his blame bucket or emotional punching bag, right?

I've been cooking his meals for many years since it became difficult for him to. After arriving back home from my mini trip, we all went to the store and stocked up. But he was so focused on the new gf, the fresh food was forgotten about for a week+.

Stop cooking for him.

He had been ordering junk food for the two of them to eat while I was away on my trip, and continued to get more take out after getting groceries.

See? They can survive. They don't need you to cook. He knows how to order. If he wants to order healthier food he can. Or put himself on a frozen food meal delivery program.

So, instead of continuing to watch them eat things like cake, ramen, sloppy pizza and soggy Chinese food, I asked him what they would like for dinner.

Sounds perfectly fine, right? It's totally normal for the person who normally cooks in the house to ask what should be made, right?

At my house? I just decide what people eat. I'm being nice cooking for all so I just make the meal plans most convenient to me that are nutritious. Otherwise? They are all old enough to cook for themselves.

Everyone at your house is old enough to deal with their own food. Be ok with that.

As I went to the bedroom door, I could see through its glass that the same dinner I made the night before was just sitting atop the gaming table.

Still wrapped, and untouched.

So STOP cooking and save yourself the upset of seeing food and your time go to waste.

He and I got into a HUGE argument--dealing with since he paid for the food, he can do whatever he wants with it and me cooking it was an act of me being entitled and taking control of other people's things.

Have you noticed he's "allergic" to taking personal responsibility? So he changes the topic to something he can get all het up and "righteous" about? Then he goes on the attack and calls you names like "entitled?" Because if he changes the spotlight to something about YOU, then the spotlight is no longer on his behavior. He gets you all confused and upset and then he's off the hook.

Cuz really? Cooking food? That's not you being entitled. It was an act of kindness. You offered to cook. He answered what he wanted. You made it. If he didn't want it he could just say no. So this is arguing about nothing to me. And that's not even the part that bothers you. It bothers you it was not put away.

He didn't eat it. He did not put it away for later and just it out in the bedroom. Which is gross. THAT is the part that bothers you. He could just say sorry, and that he will put away food in future. There. Done. Not the end of the world. Jeez. Take some personal responsibility, dude.

He doesn't do that? He says he paid for it, he can waste it if he wants? He is not wrong. He can. You could AGREE. And then stop cooking. So then it's just his wasted food and not your time and effort too. Detach.

If this is what life is like with him? HUGE fuss over small stuff? NO wonder you stopped being your authentic self and went all meek and mild. It's EXHAUSTING to be living with every little thing being a big blow up. And it becomes easier to "keep the peace" than go for another round of fighting and being blamed for everything. He sounds like a bully.

Let it be the end. Move out.

My complaint was it was a waste of food, regardless of who bought it! Of course, he had to point out how much he hated my "attitude". And that attitude has made him not want to do anything with me for years.

Awesome. Believe him. Move out.

(And it IS a waste of food, regardless who bought it.)

Excuse me for caring that the two of them weren't eating very well. His health isn't the best, and he pushes himself through work while pleasing the new gf and teaching her how to improve since they're doing the same things. Eating all that greasy food, if he felt like eating at all that day, wasn't good for him.

His body is his responsibility. Detach.

Your well-being is your responsibility -- and hanging around him and his weird is affecting your health poorly. You are upset a lot, can't sleep, are no longer your authentic self, get used, etc.

I don't think you are going to heal unless you get out of there -- so get out.

But, he then "banned" me from cooking anymore meals for them--and to use my own money to make food for myself.

Cool. You can use your own money to make your own food at your new place when you move out.

Something even more bizzare was he told me they ate the neglected left-overnight dinner and it was fine.

Ew. Left out for hours? They are gross. :eek:

I understand NRE is a huuuge deal. I even told him it was serious business, but he just refuses to see it as an issue. It's just my fault, huh?

You have bigger problems here than NRE.

You have a BF who is really mean to you.

I will continue to see how things go. But...I think I will prepare to possibly move elsewhere if he continues to be far more wrapped up in her as time passes.

Just move out now while he's busy with her. Hopefully you can escape without him going creeper on you like "If I can't have her, nobody can!"

Maybe I'm just missing something that only he gets, or I'm seeing the situation wrongly...I don't know. My mind's too fuzzy to think properly right now.

Because he messes with your head and flips things all around and is mean to you. Chronic exposure to that would affect anyone's thinking.

Again, I'm sorry this is happening. I do hope you feel better for airing some of this out.

But again... NRE? That's the LEAST of your problems. You have a much bigger problem-- you have a really mean BF.

Move out and get away. You don't have to be doing this any more.

Galagirl
 
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PinkPig

Well-known member
But again... NRE? That's the LEAST of your problems. You have a much bigger problem-- you have a really mean BF.

This.

Very confused, this is why I recommended counseling to you. It can be difficult to see emotional abuse when you're in the middle of it. Counseling has helped me to recognize it and change my patterns of behavior so that I don't accept unacceptable behavior and i don't get involved with messy people who are more likely to treat me poorly. It starts with understanding our worth. You are worthy of someone who treats you respectfully.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
You deserve respect as another human being with needs and feelings. Not only are you not getting that respect, he makes any problem about you, belittles your responses, and shifts responsibility. Why are you still in this relationship? Because you love him? You ought to love YOU first. Would you ever treat someone you love this way? Why are you letting yourself be treated this way?

If it's safe for you to leave, leave yesterday. Do not explain it or justify it to him. You don't need to, and he's not entitled to an explanation.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi veryconfused,

I realize you may have been venting, so I am going to try to remain calm on my end. But wow! Just, wow. Your significant other is really stretching reality. You told him you were being neglected and he denied it? I thought the neglect was so obvious that it would be impossible to deny. Wow! He denied it anyway.

Re (from veryconfused):
"I also asked if he was still interested in me, sexually."

Did he ever answer that question?

Re:
"Although, maybe I deserve this.
In the previous poly relationship we had, he told me he eagerly chose to spend 15+ hours a day with me while only needing 1-2 with the former girlfriend. He didn't need to spend entire days with her.
I guess the joke's on me now. Maybe it's karma?"

What on earth did you do wrong? In your own words, he "eagerly chose." You didn't make him do anything, he did it all by himself. And why can't he divide up his time evenly? Why does one person have to get 15+ hours? Why can't you both get eight hours?

I have to agree with GalaGirl, he is playing mind games with you, and has been doing so for a long time (since well before this new girlfriend showed up). You should break up with him.

Definitely stop cooking for him. If he wants to eat junk food, let him. He's a grownup, he can decide. Cook nice things for yourself. Buy nice things for yourself. If he wants you to buy/cook for him, he can ask. And I'm not sure I'd say yes even if he did ask. As the good book says, "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." (Matthew 7:6)

Re:
"I understand NRE is a huuuge deal. I even told him it was serious business, but he just refuses to see it as an issue. It's just my fault, huh?"

Apparently. :p

In a way this is good, he is declining to use NRE as an excuse. Unfortunately, he's also denying that he's doing anything wrong in the first place. :mad:

Re:
"Maybe I'm just missing something that only he gets, or I'm seeing the situation wrongly ... I don't know. My mind's too fuzzy to think properly right now."

You keep trying to blame yourself. You aren't the one at fault here. Although, don't bother trying to convince him of that. He is very well cemented into his own point of view. Remember the verse about casting your pearls before swine? Same principle here.

Re:
"I will continue to see how things go. But ... I think I will prepare to possibly move elsewhere if he continues to be far more wrapped up in her as time passes."

Yes! That is the thing to do. And don't wait too long! Get out while the getting's good.

Even if you don't break up with him, it would be beneficial to you to move into a place of your own. Give you some room to breathe, some space to think.

I actually think he may be in the process of breaking up with you. And maybe he's not even doing it consciously, but come on. She's the one getting 99.9% his time, while less than an hour with you is good enough? and even that one hour, it can't be just you and him, she has to be there as well. Come on, he's dropping you a massive hint. He's no longer interested in you. If he ever was interested. :(

I think you deserve much better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

veryconfused

New member
Oh wow. This is a lot of information, and solid points, to process.

Did he ever answer that question?

He didn't. It was avoided.

This has me think back to Wednesday morning...the day she was supposed to fly back to her place. The door was open, for a change, so I went in. They were both in the bed with fingers entwined and she had a very worried look on her face. I originally had gone in to say a polite bye to her, but this is what happened:

Her: Umm, I'm not leaving. I'm staying.

Me: You're not flying back, today?

Her: Yeah, I was gonna, but...then I decided not to.

Him: *smirk* Yeah, she decided to stay here.

Me: Oh

Her reason was because of his health.

I left the room then. As none of us were doctors, I didn't want to crowd him if she were already right there next to him. Gentle touches are nice, but they won't actually remove or heal any pains. I told him all of that later in a message, and then I asked if he would have preferred I held his hand too along with her. He said either or.

Ok.

So she got worried and wanted to keep an eye on him before going back--ok. Understandable. I thought that meant she'd leave in the next day or 2. Nope. She's still here.

Earlier today is when I found out, probably by accident, that the actual reason she stayed was because he told her he didn't want her to go.

I've asked him at least twice in earlier days if he still wanted to sleep next to me, and to remind him that he still could while I was in the guest room, but I either got a subject change or "...".

I hate to assume, but...think he just doesn't, or doesn't want her away from his side, yet. More reason to look for a way out.

You deserve respect as another human being with needs and feelings. Not only are you not getting that respect, he makes any problem about you, belittles your responses, and shifts responsibility. Why are you still in this relationship? Because you love him? You ought to love YOU first. Would you ever treat someone you love this way? Why are you letting yourself be treated this way?

Love, and I've no place else to go, currently--not even to move into temporarily, yet. I've been looking for new remote work in my fields for a while and haven't gotten any stable opportunities, yet. Speaking of, would you happen to know of anyone in need of a digital copywriter and/or 2D animator? Heck, I can offer a bit of pro bono copy for helping me. I should never ask for anything unless I offer something, too.

You are worthy of someone who treats you respectfully.

Come to think of it, my last mono ex horribly abused me mentally and emotionally--he was always manipulating me with his words. Parts of my family have done this, too. I guess I just attract those who can eventually take advantage. That's something only I can change about myself. But my S/O had saved me from my ex--actually I had to point out to him one day, every girl he's been in a romantic relationship with was once in a hazzardous one, until he saved them from it. He admitted to never noticing the pattern, but agreed I was right. Me, the new gf, the former poly gf, his last mono gf...were all saved by him from terrible exes. He's always had a "hero complex" without wanting it, tho.

He sounds like he blames everything on you.

Something to think about. I thought I was just a screwup who needed to learn to be a better person. He used to get mad at me so often over the years, I truly thought it was a pastime of his. I've told him that before. He's always said he's just trying to help me.

He sounds like a bully.

Oh my gosh, that reminded me of something he's said before when scolding me about my behavior and how it effects others. He called me a bully, but then referred to himself as "the bully's bully". I started thinking I was worthless. He disagreed, but it is true I don't remember who I actually am anymore. I just have fragmented memories. Most people call me sweet and super nice, and I basically O__O at them like uhhh are you talking to me? I'm not sweet, I'm annoying..and easily think I'm one of the worst people on the planet haha...

Are you sure he's capable of poly?

If an eventual 3some comes along, then maybe that's how he might see it. With the former poly relationship, he told me it was neccessary to have a person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and a person you mostly wanted to have sex with--and that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. In this relationship, I don't seem to fit into either category. Now, processing that mindset, it sounds like a rather messed up view. I wonder if he's actually a mono in "poly clothing".

Quick example, the 3 of us were supposed to engage inthe group activity again that we all enjoyed. Earlier this morning, he came up, talked about work and if the 3 of us could meet up downstairs around 4pm. So around 3:57ish, I messaged him, asking if it was still happening. He responded with him being in the middle of training someone and that she was currently on a business call. Already expecting a cancel, I had prepared to go out and asked if he wanted anything picked up. He supplied means for me to order something and said I could just walk right in the room to get it. I did, and caught glimpse of her sitting at her computer, but very much not on a call. She was watching a video. And besides, how the heck would she be able to be properly heard on her call if he was already talking during his training session, less than 6 steps away from her?

He's usually not the type to lie--he HA T E S lying, and being told lies. Absolutely abhors it. Again, I don't want to assume, but--that seemed awfully odd and fishy. Although...it's possible I came in during a moment she just finished a call---or was waiting to initiate it---or could have been listening to one in progress while the video had been on silent...I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to think about it.

I actually think he may be in the process of breaking up with you. And maybe he's not even doing it consciously, but come on. She's the one getting 99.9% his time, while less than an hour with you is good enough? and even that one hour, it can't be just you and him, she has to be there as well. Come on, he's dropping you a massive hint. He's no longer interested in you. If he ever was interested.

The figurative punch in the gut I needed to consider. Thank you!! I'll think over it some more.

In the meantime, I'm getting my ducks in a row for plans to go elsewhere.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I don't even know if he read the whole thing before telling me it didn't. He asked what the point of me sending it to him was.

It's an important question; what exactly is the point?

I know it's the common stance to tell you to lay down the law and get this guy straightened out. The echo chamber wants you to "communicate your needs" and correct him on his behavior, but I can tell you that following this advice will continue to get you what you're getting... resented.

He's living his life, got a new lover, and is completely melted about it. Personally I think you should use this as an opportunity to look at what you're doing with your life, how you spend your time, what your expectations are of a partner, and how well that is all working out for you. Focus on living your life and dealing with your own insecurities. What is the state of your broader social circle? How much energy do you dedicate to chasing your pipe-dreams? This kind of stuff.

I strongly suggest moving your focus away from what these people are telling you to focus on. What this guy does is his own business, and correcting him on not giving you enough is just going to give him new and exciting things to resent you for.
 

veryconfused

New member
It's an important question; what exactly is the point?

I know it's the common stance to tell you to lay down the law and get this guy straightened out. The echo chamber wants you to "communicate your needs" and correct him on his behavior, but I can tell you that following this advice will continue to get you what you're getting... resented.

He's living his life, got a new lover, and is completely melted about it. Personally I think you should use this as an opportunity to look at what you're doing with your life, how you spend your time, what your expectations are of a partner, and how well that is all working out for you. Focus on living your life and dealing with your own insecurities. What is the state of your broader social circle? How much energy do you dedicate to chasing your pipe-dreams? This kind of stuff.

I strongly suggest moving your focus away from what these people are telling you to focus on. What this guy does is his own business, and correcting him on not giving you enough is just going to give him new and exciting things to resent you for.

Surprisingly, being given this kind of treatment from him has me communicating and hanging out with people I normally wouldn't have who enjoy my company. I would normally have my nose in an art or animation program instead while also giving much attention to my S/O.

But now, I've become more adventurous towards other things life has had in front of me that I hadn't clearly noticed before.

Even aside from that, I'm usually studying to progress deeper with teaching myself copywriting, and 2d animation. Delving into new skills, and polishing existing ones, has always been a passion and a favorite thing to immerse myself in for hooourrrs.

I just studied copy for half the day, and now I'm about to animate to my heart's content after midnight. This has been my routine since May and I'm still going~:):):):):):):)
 

vinsanity0

Active member
It's an important question; what exactly is the point?

I know it's the common stance to tell you to lay down the law and get this guy straightened out. The echo chamber wants you to "communicate your needs" and correct him on his behavior, but I can tell you that following this advice will continue to get you what you're getting... resented.

He's living his life, got a new lover, and is completely melted about it. Personally I think you should use this as an opportunity to look at what you're doing with your life, how you spend your time, what your expectations are of a partner, and how well that is all working out for you. Focus on living your life and dealing with your own insecurities. What is the state of your broader social circle? How much energy do you dedicate to chasing your pipe-dreams? This kind of stuff.

I strongly suggest moving your focus away from what these people are telling you to focus on. What this guy does is his own business, and correcting him on not giving you enough is just going to give him new and exciting things to resent you for.

The point is to see if he is capable of fulfilling her needs. She got her answer.

I think it is valid for one to communicate their needs. The goal there isn't to straighten someone out. The goal is to explore whether or not two people are compatible.
 
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