Where doyou meet people to share with your partner apart from 'poly community' events

Archaeolibris

New member
This is my first post on this forum, so hello to all of you and thanks for taking the time to consider my question. It's a simple one: if you were looking to meet a potential date to explore ménage à trois with your committed partner, where would you go to meet such a potential play mate if you find you don't really fancy going to 'poly-community' events and activities?

Let me explain a little bit about myself and why I ask. I've been in a committed, very loving and sexually gratifying open relationship for the past 2 years or so. After making a few colossal mistakes in the beginning, the 'open' part of our relationship feels great now, and is pretty much only used occasionally for little flings that are not meant to interfere with the time and energy that I and my partner normally spend on each other. Recently, we thought that it might be fun to make love to another woman together (something neither of us have tried, the threesome): my partner is a straight man, but I am very bi and have dated many women.

We are both turned on by the idea . . . and then hit the reality of how difficult that might be to find: someone who we're both attracted to and who wouldn't think we were gross or crazy for looking to flirt as a couple with another woman. Both of us would be happiest avoiding 'poly-potlucks' or 'meet ups' or other 'poly-community' activities (though obviously we know we would have better luck finding a willing partner in such a place). I'm not here to diss folks who do enjoy being a part of a poly social scene--to each their own happiness--but it's just really not for me, and my partner feels much the same way. I suppose I just see sexuality or sexual preference not as something you are, but as something you do, and while you could say that I'm in a functionally polyamorous relationship, I find that this tends to be the most that I have in common with folks eager to label themselves as 'polyamorous.' I also find internet dating sites and seedy adult personals tough to see working for me-- I've never been comfortable or much satisfied in our society's electronic or actual meat markets. So then the question remains . . . how and where do you think I (or my partner, or both of us), could meet and actually get to know someone who is interesting, attractive, and down with us both for some adventure? For those open couples who have had success with this, please tell me about how and why it worked for you. What advice do you have about pursuing someone for a fling with your partner?

I should add that we are not looking to add someone to our relationship in the long term . . . we're happy as we are, but it would be really lovely to meet someone, flirt, talk, do some things together, maybe end up in bed all three of us just once or a few times . . .
 

nycindie

Active member
The title of your post sounds makes it sound like one could "share" people like a plate of hors d'oeurves that you pass around at a party. To each his or her own, but it is no wonder poly groups are not your thing.

Basically, it sounds like you both really only want to focus on recreational sex rather than relationships, and since polyamory is not about sex, you would probably get better results in the swinging community.

There are plenty of sites that are dedicated to swinging, and even organized swing and threesome events at meetup.com. If you live in a more populated place, you can probably find some clubs or people who host private parties where you can meet people looking for NSA hookups. I think you will be most successful that way, because I am sure lots of people are also looking for that.
 
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SchrodingersCat

Active member
IAW nyc. In all the poly groups I've attended, people who attend for the sake of getting laid are generally frowned upon.

Also, you are not looking for poly, you're looking for swinging. I say that without judgement, but rather that you can have better luck finding what you want if you're clear about what you're seeking.
 
I don't know where you'd go in real life to do that, but adultfriendfinder.com would be an online place to look for that besides the sources Nycindie suggested.
 

opalescent

Active member
If you have friends that you find attractive - that is one option. They may not be interested or find you both attractive in turn but you do start with a measure of trust in an already existing friend relationship.

Some poly communities - like mine - do list swing events on our meetup listings. Others separate out swinging (or kink events etc.) very strictly from poly.

If you google search for swinging sites, you can quickly find some options for online listings. There are also swing clubs that may be an option for you. You can google that too fairly easily.

Out of curiosity, what would you and your do if a potential is attracted to one of you but not the other? Say thanks but no thanks?
 

Archaeolibris

New member
The title of your post sounds makes it sound like one could "share" people like a plate of hors d'oeurves that you pass around at a party. To each his or her own, but it is no wonder poly groups are not your thing.

Ah I thought this was what might happen . . . I would be looked down upon as a "swinger" . . . something I would never use to label myself, nor is it a community that I have any contact with (or wish to), just because I mentioned sex for fun. My boyfriend and I don't "swing" . . . which is to say go out together as a couple to swap, share meet . . . whatever . . . with other couples or singles. We are simply free to pursue our attractions, (whatever they may be) like adults, so long as we're honest with each other. As I said, this usually takes the form of short-term involvements with other awesome people, but not always. The label I use is "open relationship" which I think is a good umbrella term for a variety of non-traditional, non-monogamous relating. What to call it has been the least of my worries . . . what to do about it sometimes is.

So am I textbook polyamorous? I suppose I just don't feel like that is the most important question . . . and that was part of my turn-off to the poly community: everybody seemed eager to label me in ways that I felt didn't describe me at all, and were mostly interested in 1.) coming on to me in ways that were overly-permissive and uncomfortable 2.) making sure that my relationship followed a bunch of books on polyamory that I was not allowed to question or disagree with 3.) trying to sell me sex products. Frankly very few folks seemed to want to get to know me or to hear about how I 'do' love, they were more concerned if I was doing it their way, if I was really 'one of them.' That mostly convinced me that I didn't want to be.

So apparently I have to prove myself: In addition to my boyfriend I have an ongoing work and romantic relationship with a German man who is also in an open relationship of 6 years . . . he currently lives abroad but we have been sexually intimate and speak several times a week, collaborate on art installations and academic work together. I will see him for probably a month come March. He is a brilliant person who invigorates me intellectually, trusts me deeply and cares about me personally, as I do him. My partner and I have both dated people while also dating each other, having relationships lasting many months. Frankly, the sex I have with other women or men . . . even if I'm not looking to date them long-term, tends to be highly meaningful sex with a lasting personal connection . . . not this objectified passing around of a person "like a plate of hors d'oeurves" as you assumed. That's just not how I tend to do things.

I felt drawn to polyamory discourse because it seemed there would be some people there dealing with the sorts of situations and emotions someone in my place would be. Is it then your contention that polyamory is only polyamory if you intend all of your relationships to be multiple and permanent/long term? For my own part, I don't label myself . . . I am just me, and what I do romantically is closer to what all of you seem to be doing that what monogamous couples or swingers do. That said, you guys seem definitely not to want to claim someone like me :)

Any honest responses to my questions are indeed appreciated. Thank you to those of you that responded kindly with your ideas.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Swinging is not synonymous with "partner swap." Swinging refers to seeking casual sex with people outside your romantic relationship, with the conscious intention of not forming romantic bonds with those people.

I interpreted your first post as saying you were mostly interested in sex, and not romance. You emphasized that you wanted to find a woman to have sex with. You emphasized that you were not seeking a committed relationship.

Upon your clarification that what you're seeking is not casual, meaningless sex, it becomes more apparent that swinging is not quite what you meant. You'll have to forgive us; we get a lot of people here who really are swingers and looking to fuck around with no strings attached, and we tend to revert to our old tricks in dealing with them. Apologies for lumping you in and throwing a label on you.

Please note: even though we were mistaken, no one actually looked down on you for what we interpreted as swinging. What you quoted was a reaction to the specific word "share". You can share your Cheezies. You can share your body. Your partner can share his body. You cannot share your partner, because you do not own him. And you certainly cannot share third parties with your partner, because you do not own them either. You cannot share what you do not own, and the only person you own is yourself.

The umbrella term for non-monogamy is "non-monogamy." Open relationships are one form of non-monogamy; not all non-monogamous relationships are "open." For example, there are triad families which are closed. Swinging, polyamory, polyfidelity, open relationship, dadt... these are all different forms of non-monogamy.

In short answer to your question: "Polyamory" is only polyamory if you intend to form romantic relationships with those people. But no, they don't have to be permanent or long-term, any more than a monogamous person's relationships have to be permanent or long-term for them to be considered romances. But they do have to be loving and not casual sex.

But you have nothing to prove to us, we're just a bunch of twoodles with computers who happen to think in a similar way about some things. As a group, we have more differences than similarities. I personally find that when people challenge my pre-conceived notions, it gives me a chance to reflect on my prejudices and usually results in some kind of growth.

Now in answer to your original question... The best way to find them the same way you find any partner: bars, coffee houses, bookstores, classes at school, looking over turnips in the produce aisle... However you've done it in the past is the way to do it in the future; however you would do it if you were single is the way to do it if you're partnered.

You've specifically rejected both the poly and swinger communities. There aren't any other organised non-monogamy groups to draw on. There are many people like yourself who have been turned off by each of those groups, and aside from the internet (which is tedious), they find one another the same old ways anyone finds one another.
 
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NovemberRain

New member
What to call it has been the least of my worries . . . what to do about it sometimes is.

I do understand the resistance to labels, really I do. However, creating terms to talk about stuff really helps one communicate with others.

So am I textbook polyamorous? I suppose I just don't feel like that is the most important question . . . and that was part of my turn-off to the poly community: everybody seemed eager to label me in ways that I felt didn't describe me at all, and were mostly interested in 1.) coming on to me in ways that were overly-permissive and uncomfortable 2.) making sure that my relationship followed a bunch of books on polyamory that I was not allowed to question or disagree with 3.) trying to sell me sex products. Frankly very few folks seemed to want to get to know me or to hear about how I 'do' love, they were more concerned if I was doing it their way, if I was really 'one of them.' That mostly convinced me that I didn't want to be.

I feel sad when I read stuff like this. I have heard similar stories of other places. My local community is so different and so lovely. My local poly group is family oriented, there are frequently several rugrats running around at meetings. Oh sure, some of the men give it a shot, and I've been warned of one or two, but on the whole, it's lovely. And they have plenty of events for 'doing' because sometimes it's nice to 'do' with people who have the same vocabulary, or at least an extra girlfriend or two, without having to explain why or who or how and no you can't watch.
 

nycindie

Active member
Frankly, the sex I have with other women or men . . . even if I'm not looking to date them long-term, tends to be highly meaningful sex with a lasting personal connection . . . not this objectified passing around of a person "like a plate of hors d'oeurves" as you assumed.
No, I wasn't really assuming anything about what you do or want; I was just commenting on the language you used in your title. To say you want to "meet people to share with your partner" does sound objectifying. And so, I see I have misconstrued your intent, but I did base it on the the images that came to my mind about "sharing someone." However, I wasn't looking down on you. When I said that I understand why poly groups wouldn't be your thing (because of the attitude I had misread), I was empathizing with you. It certainly would be understandable (if you actually did view things that way).

Is it then your contention that polyamory is only polyamory if you intend all of your relationships to be multiple and permanent/long term?
Uh, no... I think many quite wonderful relationships can be short-term only, even if one for one night! But not sure what "all relationships to be multiple" would mean. Yes, poly is about the desire or ability to have multiple loving relationships, but how is a relationship multiple? Anyway, and I am sure you know this, it is usually accepted that the basic thread in poly relationships is a connection and love, or a loving quality, rather than a focus on sex, so when you posted saying you were only wanting to find someone to participate in threesomes, I thought that swinger activities were closer to what you wanted. Sorry I misunderstood, but I wouldn't have known, from that first post of yours, that there was anything more to your quest.

For my own part, I don't label myself . . . I am just me, and what I do romantically is closer to what all of you seem to be doing that what monogamous couples or swingers do. That said, you guys seem definitely not to want to claim someone like me :)

I don't like labels either and do not identify as polyamorous myself. As for what "we all are doing," well there's a lot of variety of experience and configurations here!! :) I don't know what you mean by us not wanting to claim someone like you, but in all honesty, I was only trying to assess what you were looking for, based on the info in your first post, and to offer ideas on where you could get it. We do have polyfolk here who also swing, so it wasn't that you were being shooed away or judged. It just seemed like poly was incongruent with what you stated you were looking for and we were trying to help with suggestions we thought would match the goal of just finding someone for a threesome. As SC said, we do get lots of people making similar requests here who really are looking for (and would be happier in) a swinging type community.
 
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Archaeolibris

New member
Thank you Schrodinger and November for your thoughtful responses. It seems I may have walked semantically into a situation where I was using terms that have a negative connotation to some people here. I suppose I'll just clarify that my use of the word 'share' is not meant to imply that a person (any person) is the property of another to be shared like a plate of Cheetos . . . I meant it more in the sense of "I want to share this experience of intimacy with a woman and my partner." It was the most innocuous term I could think of at the time.

I have 2 thoughts, and maybe this first one deserves to be its own thread (or perhaps it already is?). I was very interested in this comment:

SchrodingersCat said:
In short answer to your question: "Polyamory" is only polyamory if you intend to form romantic relationships with those people. But no, they don't have to be permanent or long-term, any more than a monogamous person's relationships have to be permanent or long-term for them to be considered romances. But they do have to be loving and not casual sex.

I find that lots of folks (including self-labeled polyamorites) feel loving and casual sex to be mutually exclusive. I suppose, truly, this depends mostly on what you mean by both 'casual' and 'loving,' and I'd be curious to know. There does seem to be some connection here between loving and lasting. For me, I have always found these things to be quite independent. Some of my longest relationships turned out in the end to not be so loving, and likewise, some of the best emotional and physical intimacy I've experienced were with people that I had no expectation of being able to date or even sleep with again. Perhaps this is why I bristle a bit at those who assume that the 'casual' sex I have is meaningless, objectifying or not loving (and therefore not truly polyamorous?). When you take away monogamous commitment as the one and only sign of romantic love, then what other signs are there that people find meaningful?

My second thought was actually my original question . . . how the crap do you even introduce the idea of a 3-way-attraction with a woman who is into you? For those of you in triads and quads and whatever other configurations, surely you have more experience broaching this subject than I do.

Yes, I am capable of finding gay or bisexual women who would like to date me, and I'm used to telling people attracted to me that I'm in an open relationship-- at which point they either head for the hills or we have a really interesting conversation about intimacy. Usually, whichever of those two things happen, it's for the better. Yet in this situation, I feel like anything I would say would send them packing. How have people successfully talked through these things. "So I'm really into you, and I have this fantasy that I'd like to ask your opinion about . . .?" Should I go out with her a few times just the two of us? Perhaps become intimate with her alone before bringing it up? That seems a little disingenuous if it's a decent part of my motivation. Should I send her out with my partner and hope they hit it off too? Just looking for those with real life experience and savvy in these matters :)
 

fuchka

Active member
Should I go out with her a few times just the two of us? Perhaps become intimate with her alone before bringing it up? That seems a little disingenuous if it's a decent part of my motivation. Should I send her out with my partner and hope they hit it off too?

Would you be okay, if you liked this person, to date them by yourself? Sure, a fantasy/motivation could be the possibility of a compatible threesome but would you also be satisfied with a twosome? If so, it could be healthiest to approach it as that, with no expectations (even if you have hope that it'll be an intimate experience you could some day share with your partner).

If you only want to be with someone who is into both of you, then yes, anything apart from an upfront approach would be disingenuous. And though that could turn some potential partners off... you'd presumably be left with people who are into that kind of arrangement.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
I find that lots of folks (including self-labeled polyamorites) feel loving and casual sex to be mutually exclusive. I suppose, truly, this depends mostly on what you mean by both 'casual' and 'loving,' and I'd be curious to know. There does seem to be some connection here between loving and lasting. For me, I have always found these things to be quite independent. Some of my longest relationships turned out in the end to not be so loving, and likewise, some of the best emotional and physical intimacy I've experienced were with people that I had no expectation of being able to date or even sleep with again. Perhaps this is why I bristle a bit at those who assume that the 'casual' sex I have is meaningless, objectifying or not loving (and therefore not truly polyamorous?). When you take away monogamous commitment as the one and only sign of romantic love, then what other signs are there that people find meaningful?

I personally do think that "casual sex" is mutually exclusive from "loving." I think of "loving" as how I am with people "I love." I think of "casual sex" as sex for the purpose of physical satisfaction, meaning that I don't really care about the person any more than I care about some random person on the street. I can be caring and compassionate without being loving.

That being said, I don't do one night stands. Those encounters don't meet my emotional needs, nor do I need sex badly enough to get it from strangers. For me, I have to be romantically interested in someone to desire them sexually. So while I can, in principle, be caring and compassionate with a one-night-stand, that doesn't hold any interest for me.

I do agree that loving can last a night, and casual can last a lifetime. While I myself am not capable of falling in love overnight and then saying "so long" in the morning, I do not deny that this is possible for some people. And when I was younger, I had friends with benefits, where the sex was casual but ongoing.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
/ So then the question remains . . . how and where do you think I (or my partner, or both of us), could meet and actually get to know someone who is interesting, attractive, and down with us both for some adventure? For those open couples who have had success with this, please tell me about how and why it worked for you. What advice do you have about pursuing someone for a fling with your partner?

I should add that we are not looking to add someone to our relationship in the long term . . . we're happy as we are, but it would be really lovely to meet someone, flirt, talk, do some things together, maybe end up in bed all three of us just once or a few times . . .

All of my NSA three(or more)some experiences have evolved out of sexy friendships / FWBs type situations with people that I already knew or knew of ("friends-of-friends") and who already knew what types of things they might expect from me ("Here comes JaneQ...looks like she's on the prowl...don't worry, she'll tone it down if you tell her you are uncomfortable...")

In general, since I am more "sexually aggressive" (i.e. a shameless flirt) than MrS, most of these encounters have been instigated by me...with the exception of my first FFM threesome*. That first time, his ex-girlfriend-then-FWB (SweetPea in my blog here), approached me with a proposition along the lines of: MrS's birthday is coming up and she thinks that MrS would enjoy a threesome with some hot girl-on-girl action and she knows I am attracted to him and she thinks I'm cute and would I consider being a third?

Other encounters:

MrS's close friend VV was having some bi-curious feelings and asked him to keep an eye out for a likely candidate, when he and I started to hook-up he let her know I would probably be game. VV and I started to play together and sometimes invited MrS to play along with us, or with us and another girl that one of us had found to play with. (VV has now been my FWB for close to 20 years - she has a male SO and, in accordance with their agreements, threesomes are off the table with another male - although he did arrange for a mutual female friend that she had played with before to join them as a "birthday present")

Then there was the time that I seduced a bridesmaid at his ex-girlfriend's wedding and asked her if she'd like to join me and MrS back at the hotel for some post-reception sexy-fun-times...

Then there was that Halloween party where everyone was about half-naked anyway...or that party on the night that we set the clocks back for "Daylight Savings" and we decided that nothing that happened in the "free" hour "counted"..:D

In summation, I guess my advice would be: Cultivate friendships with attractive, interesting, sexually adventurous people and then be open to the possibility of seizing on opportunities as they present themselves.

For us, it seems, the "birthday present" or "special occasion" excuse for hedonistic behavior seems to work - no pressure or expectation that it needs to happen again (although if it works well - no reason you can't later say - "We really had a great time last fall...any chance that you'd be interested in re-visiting that?")

That's just my experience...YMMV.

JaneQ

*PS. You can read about the hilarity that ensued as a result of this first attempt in my "Journey" blog - the Threesome Tangent post.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I have done MMF and FFM threesomes. In every case one party brough up that they were interested in doing so and the rest agreed. In all cases we had some level of friendship.
One case the tree of us worked together, another I was dating him, worked with her, another fwb with her and open relationahip with him, another I was married and he approached her, another I was married and we alproached her, another dh & bf set it up for the night prior to a major surgery I had as a gift to me. In all cases both men were straight. All the women were either bi or lesbian.
 
I don't think there's anything wrong with suggesting you look at swinging sites - I do feel you got somewhat defensive. I can see why the hors d'oeurves comment would make you feel you were being judged, but Nycindie gave good advice nevertheless, and nobody was looking down on you as far as I could tell.

Most people wouldn't consider offering regular dating advice they'd give to somebody asking where to find partners here when all you say you're looking for is short term relationships that need to include threesomes and you want them to have an end date before you've even met them instead of saying you're open to them becoming more, so of course if you ask about this in a poly forum you will get people trying to helpfully suggest you might want to look in places more open to finding that so you'll have better success, and I think that's what they gave you.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
You might want to try online dating, especially OK Cupid. You can make a profile where you are seeking bi women, and write thoughtful things on your profile about what type(s) of relationship(s) you are seeking. You can mention that ideally you would want a bi woman who'd be open to exploring a threesome with you and your boyfriend.

I sympathize with your defensiveness about the "swinger" label. It took me a while to feel comfortable with various poly communities and to realize they were not judging me as much as I thought they were. Now I sometimes just take a deep breath and remind myself not to get defensive.

"Swinging" does have connotations of partner-swapping and sex at clubs in front of strangers, so it seems odd when it sounds like sometimes poly people define swinging as any type of sex outside a romantic relationship. (That's not quite what they mean, but it can sound that way at first).

However, you might want to do a more in-depth examination of the swinger community. You may not be a swinger, but maybe you and your boyfriend would click with a bi swinger woman?

I personally do not feel there is a huge black-and-white distinction between "casual sex" and "loving relationships." My best experiences have all started as casual, and my worst relationships have all been "loving."
 
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