Which way to turn?

Morningglory629

New member
And here we are. Not only can I be in her presence but I miss her when I'm not. Karma and I are better than we've been in years. My pain has been healed.

Mo these words made me tear up. Honestly, very emotional and big smile for you. It has been amazing to read and "witness" your journey. Thank you for inspiring anyone who reads your blog. ;)
 

Mohegan

New member
I realized tonight, that I am incredibly selfish...and I don't care.

I deserve to be. I've fought through hell to be where I am. And it's not all sunshine and flowers, but it's my life. MINE.

Had a much needed cry tonight. Been holding a lot in with no way to get rid of it. I can't even workout b/c I'll hurt something.

But for the most part, I feel better. I've always been one to hurry through things to get to the good part. But right now I want time to go as slow as it can. A month from today I'll be in Ohio and Karma will be here. He says I need to prove to myself that I can make it through it.

I know I can. But I feel like I shouldn't have to. We've never been a part more than 4 days. Why does it need to start now?

And while it's no ones "fault" I can't help but be upset that i'll be there with no one to hold me, no one to kiss goodnight, and he'll have Cricket.

I honestly think we need the time apart. But that doesn't mean I'm okay with it.

I find myself wishing I had kept in better contact with a few exes. But they'd only be space filler, and I detest doing that to someone.

So yeah, right now I'm kind of annoyed with poly life, yet thankful. I'm glad he has someone, that he won't be alone while I'll gone. I don't want him to be lonely. But I selfishly wish he had no reason to stay here and would come with me.
 

Karma

New member
Even if Cricket wan't part of the picture now, I still wouldn't want to spend a month there. And we still couldn't leave the cats alone for a month straight. Starving kitties is a bad thing.
 

Mohegan

New member
So do I take the job that will last 3 wks and put me closer to my family, be in my field, and give me a reference for the baking world or do I take the job that will last 8 weeks or more, is baby sitting a 10 month old and allows me to stay here with Karma and go home for a few days at Christmas?

Grrrrr!!!!! I dunno what to do. I feel like Karma is pushing for the Job in Ohio, but the one here sounds like a more productive plan. What's a 3 week job in my field when I could land an 8 wk job that will help pay some bills and possibly end up being a permanent thing.

I think I want to stay. It's more money in the long run and a chance of it lasting longer. I don't see 3 wks of icing cookies to be worth all the stress and drama.

But for now I have other things to deal with. Just went to cook and found a roach in my cupboard. Damn neighbors!!!! I'm to disgusted to eat right now. When Karma gets out of the shower we are tearing the kitchen apart. I never even knew what they looked like until I moved in here. I wish we could move. I've so had it with this place!!!!
 
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Hmmm, when I think of things like that is with cost vs. value. How much is it going to cost me physically, emotionally, spiritually vs. fianaciall gain and experience.

That's how I weigh out my decisions.

Personally, I
 

Mohegan

New member
Well I weighed pro's and con's and talked it over with Karma and we are meeting the family I will nanny for on Saturday. 3 days a week, 24 hrs total watching a 10 month old and light housekeeping. I'm not looking forward to the 8am but I need the job.

It really is a better situation when I look at all the stress involved of going to Ohio. I was really looking forward to a real winter, extra time with my family and all that, but I can't turn this down. We need that income. Plus it's possibly a long term thing depending on if their old nanny returns in the new year. The bakery was for 3 wks and then I was jobless again.

So now I get to continue seeing my boy without the drama of being away from him, and we just might be able to pay bills in December.


I've noticed that tramadol seems to make me bitchy. It's all I have pain pill wise and I've needed it this week. But after going without it for so long, I've noticed a huge attitude shift this week and I don't like it.

I'm sure all the stress is adding to it.

Looking forward to working out again. My living room is clean and I'm ready to start doing some light exercise. I've decided to stop setting goals as with all my medical issues, I just disapoint myself. So I'm just going to work out as long as I can, on days I feel good, and not beat myself up over not following this plan or that plan or losing this amount by this day.

As far as our poly life goes, I'm still working on fighting some demons. I'm finding that certain things are triggering some issues and were making me question if our Happy Healthy Sane rule was not being met. Karma assures me that things are being worked on and the rule is being met, so I will stand back and let things be.

It's just very hard to be objective when it appears to me that the most important thing in my life is being treated as I think he should. But it's his relationship and if things are okay for him, then I'll let it be. I love him and I want him to be happy.

I still like Cricket, it's nothing like that. It's just that I was feeling like certain needs weren't being met. Like maybe right now just isn't the right time for them.

Hopefully my view on that changes as things progress and the changes talked about are made.
 

Mohegan

New member
Help!!!

I've made a list of pros and cons and the bakery is winning.

I don't really like the contract I just read over for the nanny job, nor do I think I will physicaly be able to do the housework they expect.

The bakery provides less pay but better hrs, and experience in my field.

My biggest issue is that with the nanny job, I'm here with Karma and we get 5 days in Ohio.

With the bakery I'm away from him for 15 days but I get a month to do all the things I used to with my family.

I get a real winter,holiday shopping together, decorating the tree with my brother like we used to before I moved. And of course, 4wks with my neice!!

So which do I choose? What do I do? Do I leave my husband for longest time we've ever been apart for family time and a job I'll love. Or do I saccrafice family time to spend time with my husband and take a job with better pay but crappy hours that may take a toll on my body?
 

Karma

New member
After 8 years and the storms we have weathered together, I'm pretty sure we can handle two weeks apart. Yes, it'll suck. I honestly don't know if the silence is going to drive me up the wall. I will miss you being with me.

But, after our talk, I think we agree that this is the way to go.

You'll be fine, I have faith in you. Now, begin your quest towards domination of the cookie/cake/pastry world!!!

I love you :)
 

Erato

New member
I wouldn't go for a job that I didn't think I was up to - or that would potentially injure me or aggravate physical or emotional illness for me.

That's just one of my priorities. Also, doing a job you love is awesome.

I hope you can find a good balance and a decision you can be at peace with. Good luck!
 

Mohegan

New member
Goddess Bless my brother!! We spent two hours on the phone tonight and he has so many plans for while I'm home my heads gonna spin!

My parents bought a little fiberoptic Christmas Tree when my brother moved out. and as years have passed, the holiday spirit has shrank along with the tree.

So my brother and I have decided that we're going all out this year since I'll be home and my neice will be old enough to enjoy it.

My parents gave Karma and I the old big tree when we moved and it doesn't fit in our apartment so it's in storage in Ohio. We are going to go get it and set it up, decorate the house and do the outside lights, one day while the 'rents are at work.

And we're doing a day of cookies at his house including all the old favorites that don't get made anymore. My niece will have the job we had when we were her age, sitting in a high chair chopping nuts in the enclosed food chopper. i'm bringing home all my decorating gear so she'll prolly decorate some sugar cookies too.

Then we are driving around to see lights and when Karma joins us we're all going to Frankenmooth Michigan to the Bronners Christmas store.

I have a play date scheduled for my niece and a friend of mine and her little boy. They get along really well so I'm excited for some girl time while the kids play.

I'm still gonna miss Karma. No doubt about it. But my brother is making sure that my free time is filled.

In other news I baked a ton of cookies tonight. I am sending some to the bakery so they can see my work. And my prof is letting me take my exam early so I will start work on Dec 7th.

Karma and Cricket are finaly getting some alone time tonight. I've been worried about how little time they are getting and how she seems to be pulling away from him. Hopefully they are having a good night.

I made a list of boundries last night. Karma and I went over them and he is okay with all of them. Not happy about the no overnights rule, but she still hasn't gotten the STD test and I am not dealing with an "ooops". So no over nights. Other than that he was fine with all of it, including spending his first day in Ohio with me, instead of taking off to see his brother and friends. He said he was already planning on that. Which made me happy. It's hard for me to think I am important enough to anyone to be missed. Including my husband.

I think I'll be okay with this. I know I'll miss him, but I feel better after going over the boundries and having him agree to them. It's a test of our trust issues. That's the hardest part. But I have to have faith that we've worked this hard and come this far, that he'll continue to be open and honest and respect my wishes.
 

SNeacail

New member
And we're doing a day of cookies at his house including all the old favorites that don't get made anymore. My niece will have the job we had when we were her age, sitting in a high chair chopping nuts in the enclosed food chopper. i'm bringing home all my decorating gear so she'll prolly decorate some sugar cookies too.

Squeeze bottles work great for little kids hands. I did this for a kids party once. I had a ton of sugar cookies and mini squeeze bottles filled with different colors of royal icing (they do have to be decloged every once in a while). The kids had a blast and the mess was minimal. The cookies looked great.
 

Mohegan

New member
Squeeze bottles work great for little kids hands. I did this for a kids party once. I had a ton of sugar cookies and mini squeeze bottles filled with different colors of royal icing (they do have to be decloged every once in a while). The kids had a blast and the mess was minimal. The cookies looked great.

I'll give it a try. For 19 mos she's got amazing fine motor movement, so she may do really well with it.




Feeling really loved tonight. Stil anxious about leaving but more just missing him and worrying about him.

I know he loves me. Hopefully that'll get me through. But for now I'm going to make the most of time we have before I leave.
 

Mohegan

New member
3 weeks til I leave and prep work is begining. I made some pretty damn good sugar cookies tonight to send off to my future boss. Pictures don't always do justice so I'm sending the real thing.

I am freaking cuz while they taste great, I'm not so sure about the decorating, but Karma says he wouldn't let me send them if they looked bad, so I hope he's telling the truth.

Cleaned the whole apartment today. I wanna scrub carpets sometime this week. We'll see if I can wrangle Karma into that.

I have some of my packing started. I have a good bit of my tools and supplies together and some of the Christmas presents I am making ready to go.

Planning for thanksgiving, which I think we are going to Crickets house then the three of us going to Karmas dads. Waiting on confirmation on that so I know what I am making. Most likely Caramel apple pie and orange cranberry sauce.

Hopefully things aren't too awkward at Crickets. I've never done a holiday with anyone but my family, except for one Thanksgiving and one Cristmas with Karmas dad.

I have lists everywhere. Pack this, buy that, Karma's "while I'm gone" list, Christmas lists and homework lists.

This is actualy a good thing. It means I am more and more coming out of my depression of the summer. The drive to get things completed is usualy my sign that things have fallen back to where they belong. Really proud of Karma and I, I was able to do it without meds this time and wouldn't have if I didn't have his help.


Well that blog was kind of all over the place...gonna go take my aching body to bed.
 

Mohegan

New member
Floating on a bit of a high.

Got to hang out with Cricket and though it was a short visit, it was at least some hang out time.

And decided to jump on OK Cupid just cuz I hadn't been on in awhile. got propostioned to run out and have sex with some random guy. Somehow he missed the whole-no casual sex-part on my profile. When I said so, he said it could be regular, it didn't have to be casual, and then he wanted to cyber. Really! Do people still do that?:D

Got a few other messages from some interesting possibilities.

Funny how I doubt any of them will go anywhere, and I don't really care one way or another, but it was kind of a mood lift to be so popular.

Oh well off to bed.
 

Mohegan

New member
I need to rant for a moment

I can't move my right arm. I can only sit up for small spans of time. I have a shit ton of stuff to do before I leave for ohio. And how was I woken up?

By my husband telling me he was leaving to go see Cricket!:mad:

Not to see how I was feeling.

Not to get ready to go schedule his college classes as we has discussed

Not to get the oil changed in the cars or the 20 other things we talked about

Nope, he woke me to tell me he was leaving

And he woke me up by getting dressed. Had I not heard him, I wonder if I would have even known. Or if I would have woken up to an empty house again.

At least he was here to help me get dressed before he left.

I get that they haven't seen eachother in a week and I get that it's hard taking care of some one.

But I need him here today! I leave in 6 days. They get two weeks to see eachother without me interupting. Is it so fucking hard to stay home and care of someone who can barely move when you get 2 weeks uninterupted with your girlfriend?

And before he leaves, he tells me not to overdo it! How am I going to over do it? Type to hard? cuz that's about all I can fucking do right now!

I think we need to go back 24 hrs notice when they see eachother. Cuz this incondsiderate bullshit just doesn't fly.

It was not my fault they couldn't see eachother last week, but I get punished.

what the fuck ever.

I'm gonna go take some more pain pills and see if they let me breathe for a little while.

What I'd give to ave Panda still around the corner.
 

Mohegan

New member
And I get it isn't his 'job' to be my caretaker. But he is my husband! could he have maybe stuck around an hour and to make sure I got breakfast? Which was pop tarts by the way-the only thing I could reach. Which no doubt make my sugar wonky in about an hour.

Or possibly even a shower to try to work it out?

Or maybe get me a heating pad before running out the door?
 

eklctc

New member
Wow...*hugs* then *cleansing breath together*

On one hand, I can completely understand you being upset.

On the other hand, I say you should have communicated what you may have needed or desired today, yesterday.

YES...he could have inquired about your needs as well and, if it were me, I would have... allowing some time for you but, also, continuing with my plans.

I'm sorry for being so forward but I don't get the point of the line 'But he is my husband!'. What exactly is the relevance to you in this scenario? I'm just curious about your viewpoint. I have a big soapbox about being married and poly and how some married poly people, though they deny it, still maintain a somewhat traditional mindset about their marriage and the unspoken 'obligation' it entails when it comes to considering the person they are married to. I think, just as a person who cares for you, he could have been more considerate but you, also, could have been more communicative and all would be ... less frustrating right now. Now, because of the situation, you are about to impose your right to reinstate rules to the interaction between the husband and the girlfriend when a little pre-communication could have remedied the situation before it happened.

That's just my uninformed opinion. I hope all goes over well and works out the way you desire. I also hope your travels are safe.
 

Mohegan

New member
Wow...*hugs* then *cleansing breath together*

On one hand, I can completely understand you being upset.

On the other hand, I say you should have communicated what you may have needed or desired today, yesterday.

YES...he could have inquired about your needs as well and, if it were me, I would have... allowing some time for you but, also, continuing with my plans.

I'm sorry for being so forward but I don't get the point of the line 'But he is my husband!'. What exactly is the relevance to you in this scenario? I'm just curious about your viewpoint. I have a big soapbox about being married and poly and how some married poly people, though they deny it, still maintain a somewhat traditional mindset about their marriage and the unspoken 'obligation' it entails when it comes to considering the person they are married to. I think, just as a person who cares for you, he could have been more considerate but you, also, could have been more communicative and all would be ... less frustrating right now. Now, because of the situation, you are about to impose your right to reinstate rules to the interaction between the husband and the girlfriend when a little pre-communication could have remedied the situation before it happened.

That's just my uninformed opinion. I hope all goes over well and works out the way you desire. I also hope your travels are safe.

I can't predict the future and had no way of knowing I would still be in pain today. So communicating my needs yesturday would have impossible.

What was possible was telling him all weekend that come monday we needed to go schedule is classes at the college.

The original 24 hr rule was to have the respect of saying " hey do you have plans that I am going to completely fuck up by going out?" because my time wasn't being respected. Seems to me, my time still isn't being repsected so maybe it's time to start that again.

My comment about him being my husband had nothing to do with Cricket or who's relationship is more important and everything to do with a little common curtesy. He usualy asks me as soon as I wake up how I am feeling. Given that last night was rough because of my shoulder, that simple question would have taken care of that. But for whatever reason, running off to see Cricket was more important. My comment simply meant that he is my husband and I thought that relationship offered a little more curtesy and care than the running running out the door.

If he was injured, as he has been in the past. I am not going to run out the door without making sure he has everything he needs. I jsut found it a little uncaring and down right rude.

He tells me not to over do it, not to do things I can't do, to ask for help, well that's a little hard to do when I'm getting kissed good bye in bed.


But it is what it is. I lived with this before him and I can take care of myself when he isn't here. It's just a little harder to do. My feelings were because I felt like he was more interested in running out the door than taking a few minutes to see if the pain had gone away, if I could move my fucking arm, if I needed anything. I have no problem expressing my needs, when given the chance.
 

eklctc

New member
I must have misunderstood. I interpreted your statements to mean that you needed help with the things you needed to do prior to going out of town, regardless of the condition of your arm. My apologies.
 

eklctc

New member
*hugs*
You know we, as women, always seem to be more considerate of the needs of others including quality time, assistance, feelings, etc. so I do understand.

Yes, That is the assumption I am referring to. 'Marriage' doesn't allow for more courtesy. The relationship and actions in them do not (or rather should not) take on any more significance than they do in any other committed, serious relationship (though that is not the case). I think those ideas play a big part in some of the communication issues between 'married' partners. Keep in mind, though, that this is the opinion of an unmarried individual who has never been legally married but has had to go through divorce proceedings more than one (common law) but who studies relationships and aims to counsel couples (traditional and non) somewhere within the next 10 years. However, I do not practice the institute (don't believe in it as it stands) and will not as long as I cannot do it with more than one person legally because, to me, that is unfair to any other partner I may have Knowing that it is the multipartner relationship I seek but I digress.

Hopefully, you guys can have a good sit down tonight. Maybe there was something on his mind or a subconscious need he had that caused him to act more out of character than he normally would have this morning. I hope you both get to thoroughly express yourselves and come to an understanding about expectations and I hope your arm heals well. :)
 
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