Who Writes This Sh*t?

River

Active member
I was reading various things found (that is, googled up) on the internet about "cuddle buddies," when it dawned on me that most or all of the writers are, shall we say, "emotionally challenged" people who should not be writing general advice on human relationships for the general public.

E.g.:

http://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-f...buddy-rules-to-avoid-turning-into-fck-buddies

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/10-signs-fall-cuddle-buddy-becoming-winter-cuff/

http://elitedaily.com/dating/cuddle-buddy-ad-craigslist/1286841/

There are tons more examples of utter bullsh*t about "cuddle buddies" online, but what they all fail to take notice of is that a cuddle buddy is first and foremost a friend. It's astonishing that anyone needs to point out anything so obvious! But all of these "authors" see a "cuddle buddy" as something akin to a very large human shaped hot (or warm) water bottle meant to keep them warm during cold nights -- and nothing more --, certainly not a person with needs and feelings and so on. Sheesh. Let me outa here. This culture is crazy!


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Edit: the first article in my list above says, "Cuddle Buddy: a person whom you only snuggle or cuddle with. There is no relationship that extends beyond exchanging body heat and physical companionship."

Oh, really, no tea or coffee together, no conversation, no watching movies or taking a stroll together and talking...? Just the Human Waterbottle? Nothing more? Well, f*ck that and the horse it rode in on.
 
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River

Active member
What kind of a human being makes rules for "cuddle buddies" including, ...

"[Rule] #2 NO FEELINGS. If there are any feelings involved, whatsoever, then you cannot be cuddle buddies. Feelings lead to sexual desire, and if you two are already snuggling up close, it will happen sooner or later. Stay away if you or they have feelings. [Read: 13 lusty signs of sexual attraction to keep an eye on]"

That's why I call it "the Human Waterbottle." This moron is saying that humans get together for "cuddle buddy" things which are "not a relationship" and should not involve feelings like warmth or care or connection...! REALLY!?! Why not, then, turn the thermostat up a notch and take a nice long hot bath? Or buy an electric blanket, or get a f*cking puppy!?!
 

ICanBeStunning

New member
Yeah, this reminds me of some of my experiences lately. After breaking off two LTRs in the same time frame, I hung out with someone who seemed to have read all that crap, and took it for gospel. I was looking for something casual, but he was so deadset on only contacting me when sex was desired lest one of us "caught feelings." That didn't last at all, since communicating with him was about as effective as teaching a snail to sing. There are plenty of people seeking human waterbottles, and sex dolls.

I think some of them are terrified of exploring sex without the traps of monogamy. They believe that any sexual, or intimate relationship will undoubtedly take them up the relationship escalator. It isn't really easy to take that step for a lot of poly folks, and it's unsurprising that the heteronormative crowd also struggles with the concept.

I see it like the UH couples who try to legislate against ever having a connections that looks anything close to a healthy human relationship. If you make all these rules, then you can get the sex/cuddles/affection you want, and you'll never have to explore those icky, scary feelings, or need to view this other being as a person with needs, and feelings of their own.

From my conversations with my male friends, they expect the other person to magically know what they desire without discussing it first. Communication = drama in their minds. My female friends refuse to entertain the idea. They assess those types of connections as being too damaging to engage in.
 

River

Active member
"I see it like the UH couples who try to legislate against ever having a connections that looks anything close to a healthy human relationship."

What's a UH couple? :confused:
 

River

Active member
How to have "connection" without the horrors of actual connection, "intimacy" without the icky stuff of intimacy:

"Cuffing season is all about starting fresh and finding that special someone to keep you warm during those cold December nights. If you’re still in contact with your guy from the summer, you’ll miss any opportunity to link yourself to someone new. Do yourself a favor and ditch the summer boy. Just like your tan line, summer flings must fade."

Advice from the pathetic to the pathetic.

http://www.collegemagazine.com/seven-tips-for-finding-your-cuddle-buddy/

Sheesh.
 

River

Active member
I think some of them are terrified of exploring sex without the traps of monogamy.

I don't doubt it.

Still, as one who longs for more intimate and loving connections in my life -- especially those with (even) nonsexual intimacies such as cuddling and massage exchange--, I'd like to broaden what many folks are "terrified" of to a broader spectrum of intimacies -- be it emotional or physical, sexual or spiritual.... It seems too many humans are just scared of human affection. And that hardly even seems HUMAN to me! Nature made us to be affectionate and loving with many -- not one. Dust off your Anthropology 101 texts, any who doubt it.
 

Memorandum

New member
So NSA, FWB, and one-night stands don't technically call for similar (to different extents)? Granted those working out as intended don't exactly fall into high success rates in the first place.

Those articles aren't exactly the best to be picking from either, considering the domain names alone. It seems like you want to invalidate the very concept completely the way you're tearing into this. Honestly it falls right into being a FWB perk, heavy on the one perk all by itself.
Based on the few or many, according to you, piling on rules and restrictions. You might want to try searching for the stuff that's around 5 years ago where there is less of this nonsense being spread.
Those "examples" are total crap. I never read that much nonsense when I came across the idea myself years ago. In fact the least effort it setup was at least treating a person like you would host a guest in your house.

Sure some people propose how they believe it should be. But you know what? Most people have the sense to realize how bullshit it is themselves, and go about it their own way if they do.
 

River

Active member
"So NSA, FWB, and one-night stands don't technically call for similar (to different extents)?"

Huh? What does this mean? Is it a sentence? I'm confused. Similar what? What what?

________________________________________________


What the "experts" tell us about The FuBu:

"3. The No-Cuddle Clause. Cuddling is to be avoided but if either party expresses their desire for it, then a little leeway could be made… every now and then with a maximum of three minutes per cuddle —people, don’t get too comfortable."

8 Rules You Need To Understand When It Comes To The FuBu Engagement
http://thoughtcatalog.com/daffodil-...erstand-when-it-comes-to-the-fubu-engagement/


... as for the sources of these articles -- they are what shows up at the top of google searches with the term "cuddle buddy" used as search terms.

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From the author of the Fubu article, linked just above.:

You might ask as to why I choose to engage in “surface relationships” … It’s simple really: when there are no emotional entanglements, the chances of someone getting hurt is slim to none and the only attachment that that should be, is one’s peen to another’s vag [for others, “a peen to a peen” or “a vag to a vag” — to each his own].

Curiously, the great relationship philosophers on the internet rank "cuddle buddies" and "FuBus" as equally disposable -- like disposable diapers, razors, cameras.... Once you're done with them you send them on their way as so much of yesterday's trash. These are called "surface relationships". It's simple, really.


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In the FuBu writer's comment's thread:

Jill •
I'm so jealous of people who can do this kind of thing without getting attached.
9 •

Daffodil Flores

It's all about compartmentalizing, Jill. Play with someone you are physically attracted to but doesn't necessarily tickle your mental or emotional side.

___________________________


So there we have it, a very direct and explicit advocacy for "compartmentalizing" as a way of treating other people as mere disposable objects instead of as persons. Of course, the one doing such "compartmentalization" are doing the very same thing to themselves as they are doing with others -- treating selves as things, as objects rather than as persons. The important thing, they always say, is not to care about, feel toward, connect with... bond with, share with, give to.... That is, intimacy is verboten. Physical contact is fine, so long as personal contact is not made. And those who think this is "normal" human relating will say "Well, yes, of course!"
 
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River

Active member
It seems like you want to invalidate the very concept completely the way you're tearing into this.

Which concept? The "cuddle buddy" concept? Actually, I'm One Great Big Giant Huge Advocate for the cuddle buddy type of friendship. Where I live, in the United States, there are far too few cuddle buddies per capita, if you want my opinion. I'd LOVE to have three or four of 'em. Actually, three may be enough, since I have my dear Kevin also in the mix.

I think we don't shower one another with half as much affection and touch as we all need and deserve. That's what I think.

The idea that a cuddle buddy is a seasonal thing, to be discarded at the end of the season (as many on the internet claim) to me is horrid, simply horrid -- awful and mean and rude and disgusting. Sheesh! What a load of f*cking bullsh*t is this?! It says "Well, you know, you're not supposed to cuddle with people who are your friends -- but only with those who are your spouse -- so when you've been kept warm through a season by your pretend-friend, it's important that you immediately ditch him / her ... toss her or him out on his/her arse..., because this was/is not a "real relationship" -- all of which is utter insanity and madness -- heartless and despicable and disgusting. When a society takes such nonsense as "reality" it needs a reality check.
 

Buddlady

New member
Yikes!

I really feel sorry for these people. As a person who used to hide my feelings so my abusive husband wouldn't be able to use them against me, I would rather have all of the "yucky" feelings involved in a relationship than willingly go back to something like that.
 

nycindie

Active member
I suspect that all the "rules" about keeping friendly feelings, emotional investment, and sexual attraction at bay with a cuddle buddy stems from those organized Cuddle Parties™ that Reid Mihalko started, to which you have to pay money to attend. They stress a safe, non-sexual environment where people are encouraged to ask permission, to say no, protect boundaries, etc. People with a sheep mentality might be taking the ideas of non-sexual and safety to the extreme and mimicking them (poorly) while apparently not really understanding what intimacy actually is. It's almost sociopathic. No, touch and cuddling don't have to be sexual, but it isn't intimate either if you're not letting yourself feel vulnerable and open.
 
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Memorandum

New member
Yes, cuddle buddy concept.
Goodness you're making it out like I'm agreeing with the said bullshit you linked to. I'm not.
I'm just saying the way you're calling out these idiots isn't doing any favors.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I don't think they are "idiots" anymore than any person in mid-adolescence is an idiot.

I only clicked on one link, which purported to be oriented towards a college age group. So, consider the source. Young people, figuring out what it means to be no longer a child, not yet an adult. What it means to be human. They are also very involved, probably, in serious classwork, and nervous about forging careers for themselves as well.

Back about 7 years ago, I met and then had a fairly casual relationship with a college age man, for 2 1/2 years. He was just turned 21 when we met, a junior in college. I continued to see him for almost a year after he graduated. He was very involved in his studies, and didn't want the distraction of a "real" girlfriend. (He wasn't attracted to girls his age or younger, anyway. He seemed to find them needy and shallow.) I was his only relationship for the period of time we were seeing each other.

So, while I was very fond of him, from his side he didn't want to really involve me in his life. We'd meet, fuck, chat, fuck, chat, have a drink or whatever. And repeat 2-4 weeks later. It was a good time. He was fantastic in bed, and chill and amusing to talk to. I always felt calmed and nurtured when he left. I was fairly content with this, since I had a serious girlfriend and usually one or two other men I'd also be seeing, who met more of my emotional needs, and desire for outdoor activities, not just between the sheets action.

Finally he outgrew our relationship and entered into a "real" live-in relationship with another woman (who happened to be 7 years older than him).

I am not sure if these cuddling people also have sexual relationships? Are they asexual? Do they have a regular cuddle buddy, as well as a fuck buddy? Are they emotionally stunted for life, or just in a phase, needing to focus on studies, not having time for a deep relationship and all the "drama" one of those often or usually entails? Not wanting the expectations of cohabiting, thinking of sharing finances, the spectre of marriage, etc., etc.

Maybe cuddle buddies (and fuck buddies) arrangements are training wheels in relationships, for people who are just not mature enough for something deeper. Or they are fairly mature for their age, but too busy with studies and a part time job, to venture onto the relationship escalator yet.

Surely some could be emotionally stunted for life. But I don't get the anger, River. Are you afraid this is a coming thing, where ALL people will treat each other as hot water bottles or cum dumpsters, and soon no one will ever want a relationship of emotional depth ever again? No one will ever mate and breed and humanity will die out?

I guess I feel you're overreacting and reading too much into this.
 
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River

Active member
But I don't get the anger, River. Are you afraid this is a coming thing, where ALL people will treat each other as hot water bottles or cum dumpsters, and soon no one will ever want a relationship of emotional depth ever again? No one will ever mate and breed and humanity will die out?

I guess I feel you're overreacting and reading too much into this.

I was "googling" for people's thoughts on cuddle buddies, and kept finding only advice articles on how to keep the arrangement "not a relationship" ... and how necessary it is to be sure and keep it very temporary -- no longer than a season and then drop him/her like a hot potato ... because it wasn't really a relationship ... and how there should not be any "feelings".

My words of exasperation were about that -- the not finding anything with heart and soul and depth to say about what it's like to have a friend with whom there are shared cuddles and perhaps massages, but in which it is not a sexual relationship. Since this type of relationship is important to me, I was flabbergasted and disappointed by the quality (lack thereof) of articles on the web on this topic.

I suppose I'll have to carve out some free time to write one myself, and put it up on the web somewhere.

For me, a cuddle buddy is first of all not a relationship with an expiration date attached, nor a substitute for a "real relationship," and treating it this way -- I think -- may often do emotional harm to people.

Touch is a very primary way in which most human beings experience and explore warm, intimate connections with others, so treating a cuddle buddy as a disposable pseudo-companion is highly contradictory.

Now don't get me wrong, I know a great percentage of people in various modern, Western nation states (e.g., the USA -- perhaps especially here) have no (conscious) interest in cuddling with anyone they don't have a sexual relationship with, and that we tend to associate cuddling with sex (a form of foreplay ... or for "afterglow").

But cuddling is (and can be) something quite different. Those who have no lovers / partners can rely on cuddle buddies for vitimin t (touch), which -- I think -- we all need in order to be mentally, emotionally and physically well. We just don't do well without it. And this basic need has no necessary relationship to what we call sex. (I won't say it has no necessary relation to sex; but it has no necessary relation to those activities we commonly call sex. But that's another topic!)

But cuddle buddies aren't just for the unattached or single folk. Cuddling can be a wonderful activity to share with our closest friends -- or just friends generally.

I know, I know. Many people find it just very weird, this idea of cuddling with their platonic friends. But this is largely because we tend--unnecessarily--to associate cuddling with "romance" and sex. Or we associate it with a parent/child realtionship ... or perhaps even some sort of regression to childhood(?). But many of us grown ups do have platonic friends we cuddle with, and we find it to be a wonderful way to connect and share in our non-sexual loving relationships. It's not a substitute for anything, nor anything we need to abandon after a season.

Personally, I think touching -- giving and receiving sensuous touch -- is one of the supreme art forms and languages. And it tends to be neglected as such because of a popular cultural attitude which diminishes its importance in our lives by regarding it as far less valuable than it really is. But then, I think the dominant culture does this to our senses, generally. And when we don't properly appreciate and explore our senses our senses atrophy. We literally become increasingly insensitive.

By relegating our free and open exploration of the language of touch to romantic or sexual relationships, and (usually) one person (or a tiny few), we too often lack an experiential sensibility about how uniquely different each person's touch is. And I think our touch sense needs such contrast to come fully awake and alive.
 

KC43

New member
After S2 "downgraded" us from relationship to platonic, we continued cuddling when I visited him, because we both found it comforting and still cared deeply for each other. So yeah, cuddling with someone you're platonic with can be a thing, and it can be comforting and welcome.

But I don't think treating a cuddle buddy situation as something temporary is *necessarily* a negative thing-- IF both people are clear from the beginning that that's all it is. Like anything else, communication is required to make sure needs are met and everyone's on the same page. If one person is thinking "yep, this is just a stopgap measure until I find a 'real' relationship" while the other is thinking "I really like this person I'm cuddling with and hope it will lead to more", there would be a problem.
 

GirlFromTexlahoma

New member
I am a very cuddly person, but the idea of having an official Cuddle Buddy seems... Off, somehow.

I think most people like you and me, River - people who like non-sexual physical touch - just cuddle people we already know and don't have a need for a formal Cuddle Buddy. I have friends who like to snuggle and we snuggle. (I also have friends who freak out about touch and I respect that.) There is no defined relationship other than friendship. We just let friendship include touch, cuddling, hair petting, ass grabbing, etc.

The idea of finding a new person to become a Cuddle Buddy seems more like something for those who are nervous or unsure about cuddling and want a safe space to experiment in. People who may need some emotional distance from their co-cuddler in order to feel comfortable trying it.

(Also, I had to look up Cuddle Parties and um, wow I feel old and out of the loop all of a sudden. Had no idea that was a thing.)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
This is changing, but we have become a culture where non sexual touching is limited. Especially between heterosexual men. This is not so in Arab counties, I hear.

I think River once linked to a series of photos of adult men posing for pictures a century ago, or up til the 40s and 50s, while naturally entangled with each other physically. This has stopped. Even babies were said to not need cuddling a century ago, and breastfeeding went out of style, as did co sleeping.

Weird how touching goes through fads. Now, more babies are being breastfed, worn in carriers, and are sleeping with their parents. Science has shown the need for them to be held and attended to at least.
 

River

Active member
I am a very cuddly person, but the idea of having an official Cuddle Buddy seems... Off, somehow.

I think most people like you and me, River - people who like non-sexual physical touch - just cuddle people we already know and don't have a need for a formal Cuddle Buddy. I have friends who like to snuggle and we snuggle.

Yeah, I was thinking more of friends (buddies) who are cuddly together (cuddly buddies) , not so much about some special sort of relationship called Cuddle Buddy.

I have a lot of friends of varying degrees of closeness, and have hand a very few who I could almost routinely cuddle with, but now I don't have anyone other than Kevin that I want to and can routinely cuddle with. I do have one friend I can occasionally cuddle with, however. But I'd like to have a platonic friend I could routinely cuddle with -- again.
 
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