Why Am I dragging my feet?

S

stillfiguringthingsout

New member
Hi All,

The last few weeks I've been feeling very weird towards my 'boyfriend' and I'm not sure why.
He is poly married and he and I have been together for almost 4 years. Usually we see each other on most weekends with me spending my time at his place because logistically it's just better that way.
Every once in a while during the week we have the opportunity to see each other, spend the night together and I usually jump at the opportunity no matter how much 'running around' I need to do to make it happen... rearranging my job, family, pets responsibilities etc.
He's invited me to spend a couple of nights with him at his place this week and I'm really hesitant...I've been feeling like this for the past couple of weeks and I can't for the life of me figure out why.

I thought posting how I felt here might help in case any of you might occasionally experience the same thing...any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks :)
 
Well, what are the circumstances, besides being at his place instead of yours? Is his wife going to be there? Will there be privacy or not for you both? Do you feel nervous about being on her turf? At least on your turf, your bf can just be whoever he is when he's with you - but on her turf, he's her husband. What thoughts, exactly, come up for you that have you freaking out a little? None of our unconscious reactions to life events ever really need to make sense logically - but it might make sense emotionally if you take a moment to examine them.
 
Hi stillfiguringthingsout,

Are you perhaps feeling "second-placed" in comparison to his wife? Do you feel like you get the crumbs that fall off the table? Maybe the ick from that dynamic has built up over the years and finally just now reached critical mass.

Just one thought/possibility ...
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Are you just not up for all the "running around" required to make it so? Just too tired to deal in that this week?

Galagirl
 
nycindie said:
Well, what are the circumstances, besides being at his place instead of yours? Is his wife going to be there? Will there be privacy or not for you both? Do you feel nervous about being on her turf? At least on your turf, your bf can just be whoever he is when he's with you - but on her turf, he's her husband. What thoughts, exactly, come up for you that have you freaking out a little? None of our unconscious reactions to life events ever really need to make sense logically - but it might make sense emotionally if you take a moment to examine them.
Click to expand...


Nothing is really different in the day to day living, yes his wife will be there but she is frequently there and although she's not really big on giving us our privacy I have come to accept that I am in her home and he is her husband.

I can't really pinpoint any thoughts...it's more like a feeling of backing up, putting on the brakes...I really can't explain it. In fact, today while I was in the mall I heard a favourite song of mine that would frequently make me think of him because it expressed how I felt about him...about love and all that...today it just made me feel like crying!

I'm very new to these type of emotions...I'm in my late 40's and have been married to my best friend for over 25 years. I've rarely let my emotions take over, thinking things through rather than feeling them. That is until I met my boyfriend. Now I feel like a teenager trying to navigate through an emotional minefield.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi stillfiguringthingsout,

Are you perhaps feeling "second-placed" in comparison to his wife? Do you feel like you get the crumbs that fall off the table? Maybe the ick from that dynamic has built up over the years and finally just now reached critical mass.

Just one thought/possibility ...
Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Kevin,
You have summed up how I've felt for the past 4 years. But I thought I had come to terms with it, that I loved my boyfriend and that my life is better with him in it, that I would 'get used' to the dynamics.

What happens when you reach critical mass?
 
nycindie said:
Well, if you don't wanna go, don't go. Simple. Keep inviting him to your place. What's the big deal with saying no? Just because he invited you to stay at his place doesn't mean you have to accept.

Path of least resistance, y'know?
Click to expand...

I suppose, maybe I'm reading too much into my feelings...they just surprised me and I'm starting to learn to trust my gut.

Is your 'gut feeling' ever wrong?
 
stillfiguringthingsout said:
I suppose, maybe I'm reading too much into my feelings...they just surprised me and I'm starting to learn to trust my gut.

Is your 'gut feeling' ever wrong?
Click to expand...

The word "intuition" means "inner teacher" - so, no, I don't think our gut feelings are wrong. How we interpret them may be confusing or off, but we get a sensation in our solar plexus nerve ganglion for a reason!
 
nycindie said:
The word "intuition" means "inner teacher" - so, no, I don't think our gut feelings are wrong. How we interpret them may be confusing or off, but we get a sensation in our solar plexus nerve ganglion for a reason!
Click to expand...

I agree...I just need to figure out what has changed. Bouncing it off you guys has definitely helped. Thank you:)
 
You're very welcome.

You could utilize a little visualization as an exercise to see what's really causing you distress over it. Give yourself some time, settle into a comfy chair/position, close your eyes, and imagine yourself taking the trip there... meeting him when you arrive... walking into his home... saying hello to whoever else is there... doing some things he says he wants to do there... maybe meeting people he knows for the first time... sex with him at his house... sleeping somewhere other than home... your husband missing you... thinking about whatever your husband is doing while you're away... having to leave... coming back home. And so on. Note where you feel the most anxious or apprehensive and drill down with questions to get underneath it.

This may be outta left field, but is his wife (or is he) expecting you to have sex with her, too, when you're there?
 
nycindie said:
You're very welcome.

You could utilize a little visualization as an exercise to see what's really causing you distress over it. Give yourself some time, settle into a comfy chair/position, close your eyes, and imagine yourself taking the trip there... meeting him when you arrive... walking into his home... saying hello to whoever else is there... doing some things he says he wants to do there... maybe meeting people he knows for the first time... sex with him at his house... sleeping somewhere other than home... your husband missing you... thinking about whatever your husband is doing while you're away... having to leave... coming back home. And so on. Note where you feel the most anxious or apprehensive and drill down with questions to get underneath it.

This may be outta left field, but is his wife (or is he) expecting you to have sex with her, too, when you're there?
Click to expand...


That sounds like a great exercise, I will definitely try it! And no, the relationship his wife and I have is purely a platonic friendship, not sexual.
 
You and your bf are both married to others and consider each other secondaries, it seems.

You say his wife doesn't give you enough privacy. How does that play out? Do you feel "lesser than" her when you are at his place? Do you feel like you just have to put up with that feeling? Do you perhaps feel like, after 4 years, you'd rather have a feeling of being your bf's co-primary, rather than his secondary?

Also, do you have children? Do they miss you on the weekend? Does your h have a gf or bf? Does s/he spend the weekends you are with your bf, at your home with your husband?

Try answering those questions for yourself as well.

Try reading this information about secondaries.

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
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Galagirl I am tired but that has never mattered in the past. This week it's an excuse I might be willing to use...and I'm afraid to hurt his feelings.
Click to expand...

It is not an excuse -- it is a valid reason to rest: "I am tired, I need to REST." You are allowed to have a need for rest! You do not always have to be "on and available" just because he happens to be.

If you are too tired this week to "run around" to make it happen at his place? Could say so. "Hon, I am too wiped out to do all the running around to make it happen at your place this week."

  • If you are ok with it, you could add "You are welcome to come here though."
  • If you are not ok with it, you could add "Let's try for next week instead at your place/my place."

If there is more to it than being tired physically -- could take the time out to think that out as well as to rest the body.

Maybe you are tired of putting in so much energy in to sustain it at the current level. If it is your habit to overextend yourself, could stop. He can pick up the slack, or not. But you could let the relationship find its natural level so YOU stop burning self out.

This fear of hurting his feelings -- well, he might be bummed out there's no date this week. But it isn't the end of the world, he is a grown up, he can handle it. There's always next week.

Do you NOT think he can handle it? Worried he will act out if you decline? What do you think would happen? He'd lose interest in you once he has to step it up a bit on his end to get together rather than you coming to him all the time? :confused:

Are you not good at speaking up for what you need? Being assertive or negotiating skills? :confused:

After 4 years, has it run its course? Something else? Feeling unappreciated? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Re (from stillfiguringthingsout):
"What happens when you reach critical mass?"
Click to expand...

At that point, you may start inexplicably feeling weird toward your boyfriend, and dragging your feet. Almost as if your subconscious is trying to tell you something.

Re (from stillfiguringthingsout):
"Is your 'gut feeling' ever wrong?"
Click to expand...

We can never be completely sure we'll make the right decision, regardless of whether we trust our gut. But our gut will usually tell it how it is.
 
Magdlyn said:
You and your bf are both married to others and consider each other secondaries, it seems.

You say his wife doesn't give you enough privacy. How does that play out? Do you feel "lesser than" her when you are at his place? Do you feel like you just have to put up with that feeling? Do you perhaps feel like, after 4 years, you'd rather have a feeling of being your bf's co-primary, rather than his secondary?

Also, do you have children? Do they miss you on the weekend? Does your h have a gf or bf? Does s/he spend the weekends you are with your bf, at your home with your husband?

Try answering those questions for yourself as well.

Try reading this information about secondaries.

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
Click to expand...


Yes we are both married with grown children, mine is in university and his have left home with their own families.

Yes I guess we are each others secondary, in my heart he is a primary but due to life circumstances I guess if we define it, his and mine would be a secondary type of relationship.

We do see each other every weekend and make an effort to share at least part of the holidays. We communicate daily via texts and chat on the computer at night.

Yes my husband has a gf and she frequently stays the weekend at our house but our house is quite small so it is more convenient for me to go to my bf's place.

When we are at my bf's house, there are many times when we are alone since his wife also has a bf and spends time there. When she stays home (and her bf is there as well) we do hang out in separate areas of the house but she is used to having both her men available to her at all times and doesn't hesitate to interrupt or request something although she apologizes profusely as she does it.

I have always felt 'lesser' , yes, and believed that I just had to accept it. Most days, as long as I don't dwell on her behavior or the situation then I am fine.
I would love to be co-primaries...what exactly is that? How would I bring that up? Would his wife be part of the conversation? Whenever I try to express to him how her behavior makes me feel he immediately jumps to defend her. I would love to actually live with my bf but I can only imagine the s**t storm that would cause.

I have been to the "Morethantwo" site many times and read it often.

I am having trouble trying to discern if I am having trouble with the 'wife' because she's his wife? or because her behavior is really out of line?

So many questions, so little time :)
 
GalaGirl said:
It is not an excuse -- it is a valid reason to rest: "I am tired, I need to REST." You are allowed to have a need for rest! You do not always have to be "on and available" just because he happens to be.

If you are too tired this week to "run around" to make it happen at his place? Could say so. "Hon, I am too wiped out to do all the running around to make it happen at your place this week."

  • If you are ok with it, you could add "You are welcome to come here though."
  • If you are not ok with it, you could add "Let's try for next week instead at your place/my place."

If there is more to it than being tired physically -- could take the time out to think that out as well as to rest the body.

Maybe you are tired of putting in so much energy in to sustain it at the current level. If it is your habit to overextend yourself, could stop. He can pick up the slack, or not. But you could let the relationship find its natural level so YOU stop burning self out.

This fear of hurting his feelings -- well, he might be bummed out there's no date this week. But it isn't the end of the world, he is a grown up, he can handle it. There's always next week.

Do you NOT think he can handle it? Worried he will act out if you decline? What do you think would happen? He'd lose interest in you once he has to step it up a bit on his end to get together rather than you coming to him all the time? :confused:

Are you not good at speaking up for what you need? Being assertive or negotiating skills? :confused:

After 4 years, has it run its course? Something else? Feeling unappreciated? :confused:

Galagirl
Click to expand...

You bring up a lot of good points Galagirl. I love the words that you use and will most probably use them myself. :)
I do actually feel like I am the one who carries the relationship, I guess my fear is that if I don't keep making all the moves then he will do nothing.
I am learning to speak up but don't really feel like I have a voice, or a say although he does always encourage me to tell him how I'm feeling. I am not assertive at all, not with him and especially not with his wife.

I hope it hasn't run it's course but I am definitely feeling unappreciated.

I need some serious therapy :( but chatting with you guys helps me but words to the feelings I have. I really appreciate your input.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from stillfiguringthingsout):


At that point, you may start inexplicably feeling weird toward your boyfriend, and dragging your feet. Almost as if your subconscious is trying to tell you something.

Re (from stillfiguringthingsout):


We can never be completely sure we'll make the right decision, regardless of whether we trust our gut. But our gut will usually tell it how it is.
Click to expand...



hmmm...I definitely feel like my subconscious is trying to tell me something.
 
stillfiguringthingsout said:
Kevin,
You have summed up how I've felt for the past 4 years. But I thought I had come to terms with it, that I loved my boyfriend and that my life is better with him in it, that I would 'get used' to the dynamics.

What happens when you reach critical mass?
Click to expand...

In my first year with XBF, I felt I was treated as an individual. In the second year, I began to feel very much 'lesser than,' specifically related to his wife's behavior. (My belief is that she realized he had fallen in love, got insecure, disliked how it had affected her life, and started to take steps to make it more difficult for us to spend time together.)

I feel safe in saying the problem was her behavior, not that she was his wife. I was (still am not) in any rush to get married. When I spoke up about the problem, he rushed to her defense.

I reached critical mass. I broke up with him.
 
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