Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 35 12.5%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 104 37.1%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 42 15.0%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 35 12.5%
  • Other

    Votes: 64 22.9%

  • Total voters
    280

Flowerchild

New member
Missed the point of my post

There is a point where one chooses to enter into more than one relationship, or not, and everyone's path to that choice is different. I believe that is what the OP is asking about, not whether you see yourself as "wired" that way.

Even monogamous people choose to be in a relationship or not....and with whom in particular. But you really think you can make yourself be content, emotionally and sexually, with just one person?

There are plenty of people who consider themselves poly even while single. Are they not legitimate because they aren't "practicing"?
 

BoringGuy

Banned
Nycindie didn't say people who aren't in multi relationships are not "legitimate", whatever that is supposed to mean in this context. "legitimate" means "legalized", so by that definition, nobody's "poly relationship" is "legitimate" since a person is only allowed to be legally married to one other person at a time.

I also interpreted the question asked in the OP the same way as nycindie. They aren't asking "why do you consider yourself poly"; they want to know why a person would "practice" nonmonogamy. To me, this is very similar to referring to "the poly lifestyle". I dislike that expression and tend to avoid responding to posts that i perceive as presenting nonmonogamy as a "project" or an underlying motivation that influences every other aspect of my life. I don't go around like, "may i see the poly menu" "i would like a seat in the non-monogamous section, please" "your server will be the single white monogamous redhead" "would you like a poly drink before you order your asexual meal?" "the poly service was very good, i shall tip 30% on the bill".

To answer your question: yes, i can "be content" with one person emotionally and sexually. I have been, and still am, content with both of my relationships, both people at different points in my life have been the "only" and i was content with either of them as i am with both, and with myself. I am not one of those people who feels like something is missing just because i have only one relationship. And i do not feel "illegitimate" by any means at all.
 

Aery

Probie
I really liked the remarks by Pepper. We've, through the years, at long intervals lived pretty mono sorts of lives, what with schedules, many moves to far places, raising children, what not, and it wasn't so awful. What helped overall was developing a vital-for-us authenticity about our desires/fantasies... Nourishing our intimate life... Hey I came from the early Jurassic Park period of Open/Poly relationships, involved in SF/Marin/Bay Area poly-community... starting with Deborah Anapol's "Intinet" get-togethers/poly potlucks and picnics. I'd bumbled along in various relationships, finding each partner's and mine tendencies towards non-exclusiveness. Yet more, it's been about the quality in relationship(s) over whatever form, and growing, things like making a home, family time, sharing and going through difficulties of all sorts, different friendships, separate things, adventures, good connection, even good arguments... together... I find having other involvements and the intensities all 'round are something I can't shake... But these other dimensions stay...
 

PaulDrakket

New member
Because it's awesome

I choose to be poly because I want to be free. I choose to be poly because it's awesome, and once you've experienced it, looking back over the fence is a dismal experience. Knowing that poly can be 'hard and complex' is not enough to stop me from wanting to love openly and freely. I won't deny what I want, and I'm totally willing to put in the 'work' (honest and open communication) to get it.
 

nycindie

Active member
Even monogamous people choose to be in a relationship or not....and with whom in particular. But you really think you can make yourself be content, emotionally and sexually, with just one person?

"Make myself" content? Like I would have to force contentment on myself? :confused:

"With just one person," as if it's a deficit to have "only" one relationship? Sheesh, how sad a statement is that!

All I can say is that it isn't the number of people I am in relationship with that determines my contentment and happiness. That is an inside job, not dependent upon others. And yes, I'd be perfectly happy and content to be in a monogamous relationship with the right someone. If I am happy and content with myself, then why couldn't I be happy and content with "just one" partner in a monogamous relationship, or with multiple partners in polyamorous situations? Furthermore, my being open to polyamory does not mean I need to go around and collect multiple partners just to prove to the world that I can live polyamorously. It just means that I am open to it.

There are plenty of people who consider themselves poly even while single. Are they not legitimate because they aren't "practicing"?

I can't even follow your logic here, as it makes no sense to me. I said nothing about anyone being legitimate or not. Nor did I say that people who are not in relationships cannot "be poly," if that is what you mean. I was saying that even for people who do see poly as an identity or orientation, there is still a point where they choose to be in more than one relationship -- it doesn't happen automatically when one has this epiphany that they "are poly," after all - which was meant to answer your question to the OP about why they would even think that anyone could choose.


The point I was trying to make (which you missed entirely) was that you were making quite a pronouncement about all poly people when you, using the Royal We, stated quite emphatically that poly is "just something we are." In your experience, from your perspective, it may be "just something you are," and it seems you cannot fathom that anyone would consider it a choice, but I objected to your wording, because it came off as if you were speaking for all polyfolk.

The purpose of my post was to state that there are many, many "poly people" who do not see poly as an identity, orientation, or "just something we are." Those of us who feel this way do indeed choose to practice poly, choose to live polyamorously, or choose to embrace/be open to practicing it and living polyamorously. We can choose to be open to polyamory whether we are in one relationship, many relationships, or none. For many who do not see poly as an orientation or "wiring," it is usually viewed as simply a structure or approach to relationships -- not a personality trait. If I say "I am poly," what I am saying is "I am a polyamorist" - the "ist" suffix denoting an action I take, rather than "I am polyamorous" - the "ous" suffix denoting a state of being.

It's perfectly fine for you to say that YOU see poly as something YOU are, but you do not speak for anyone else, especially those of us who do indeed choose poly as a practice/approach/structure.
 
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BoringGuy

Banned
this is one reason why i describe my relationships as "non-monogamous" instead of "polyamorous". it describes what is relevant without implying all the subjective fluff about triads and families and Robert Heinlein and how every time you talk to someone it's a "relationship".

I don't have to waste my breath explaining what polyamory "is" and "isn't". I can just get right into answering the "but don't you feel baaaad when your partner is with someone else?" :rolleyes:
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member

Jac

New member
A lot of questions..

I've only recently found that I am polyamorous and I have a lot of questions, if anyone can lend me some advice.

Most importantly, I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that saw its first year only a month ago. How do I tell him? I don't want him to feel as if there is something wrong with him or as if he doesn't satisfy me, which is partially my fear of what will happen. I've just come to realize that I'm not happy with just one partner. I mean, I am for a time but then I feel as if I want more. My boyfriend makes me happy but I need more, how do I convey this effectively?

For right now, that's the most important question for me and I'm sort of freaking out.. I love him and I want to be with him, but I also need to concern myself with me. Thanks in advance..
 

JustUs

Member
Have you talked to your boyfriend about your feelings? Has the topic of poly ever come up between the two of you in the past year?
Personally, I think it is much better to open up to him early on, then years down the road, especially if he is someone you see yourself with for a long time. You never know what his feelings or thoughts on it might be if you don't talk about it, he might actually be interested in the whole idea. Would you be ok with him having someone else, as well?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I've only recently found that I am polyamorous and I have a lot of questions, if anyone can lend me some advice.

Most importantly, I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that saw its first year only a month ago. How do I tell him? I don't want him to feel as if there is something wrong with him or as if he doesn't satisfy me, which is partially my fear of what will happen. I've just come to realize that I'm not happy with just one partner. I mean, I am for a time but then I feel as if I want more. My boyfriend makes me happy but I need more, how do I convey this effectively?

For right now, that's the most important question for me and I'm sort of freaking out.. I love him and I want to be with him, but I also need to concern myself with me. Thanks in advance..

A couple of important things to remember:

1. Be honest. What you have written here is a great starting point
2. Be kind. Your partner might have some difficulty and take some time to be constructive about what you are saying. Give them a break and let them work through their process.
3. Be informed. For me, I would want to know what I am actually proposing. Read through these forums, check out some articles on non-monogamy, get an idea of what you are hoping for. Note: I am not telling you that you should hit him with this stuff... just have some answers in case he has some questions.

This will hopefully take several conversations so don't expect there to be some great revelation when you bring this up.
 

nycindie

Active member
I've only recently found that I am polyamorous . . .
This statement always cracks me up whenever I see it. I imagine someone looking down and discovering their bellybutton for the first time. "Hey! Where'd that come from?! I'm poly!" LOL.

How do I tell him? I don't want him to feel as if there is something wrong with him or as if he doesn't satisfy me, which is partially my fear of what will happen. I've just come to realize that I'm not happy with just one partner. I mean, I am for a time but then I feel as if I want more. My boyfriend makes me happy but I need more, how do I convey this effectively?

Happiness is an inside job. Why are you unhappy? How are you so sure it is an additional partner that you need or want in order to be happy? Maybe the relationship you have is not satisfactory in some ways you can't quite grasp, but we really cannot depend on our relationships to make us happy. You "want more" for your life, but it might not be more people you need to feel you have enough! It would behoove you to do some inner work and get to really know yourself very well, in order to find out where the unhappiness is coming from. Because no number of relationships can make us happy - it's up to us to bring our happiness and self-satisfaction to our relationships.
 
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PaulDrakket

New member
It's awesome to hear self-discovery stories; they make me all warm inside.

Anyway, pretty much what Marcus said. Honest and open communication, respect, patience, etc. He might not stick around, and that's a possibility you should probably put some thought into preparing yourself for. Coming out poly is rarely easy, especially in your situation, and I wish you the best of luck. May things go your way in the future.
 

NowIKnow

New member
How did everyone find out they were Poly?

My apologies up front. I'm sure this question has been posted several times but felt the need to explain how I arrived here and seek advice on how I deal with all this.

So, as the name I chose implies, now I know, as in now I know why I've had these feelings all my life. However, I did not find out that I'm Poly until after I married someone, someone that I love dearly, that does not agree with the lifestyle.

I've always have had female friends. The overwhelming majority I never had any sexual relationship with not that I wasn't attracted to them, I just never pushed the issue after sensing they were not interested in going down that path. I was just happy to spend time with them.

I knew I wasn't gay, not that there is anything wrong with being so but just clarifying. I fantasized about these women but never pursued the fantasy.

Now, here I am at 47, married to my wife of 8 years that I feel in love with when I was 19 and was finally able to have the relationship I wanted with her and in a state of depression because I consider another woman my best friend and I see the heartache it causes my wife.

I am attracted to this woman but I know she only considers me a friend and I yet again have not pursued anything based not only on that fact but I don't want to break the vow I gave my wife when we got married...yet, I feel in my heart I already have.

It was hard but I explained my discovery to my wife and told her, "I didn't know!" It was reading Robert A. Heinlein's books, several of them and several times before it sank in that I was polyamorous.

Not looking for a single answer here but is there anyone out there that found out while they were married to someone they loved but didn't agree with the "lifestyle"?

I could go on and on but I'll stop for now.
 

idealist

Member
Welcome to the forum!
I have never been married, but I did engage in strictly monogamous relationships all of my life. I was about 53 when I began to identify as polyamorous.

I don't see myself ever going back.

I am currently dating 2 married couples. One couple has been together for 35 years and the other one for 30 years. I am also dating a guy that has been married for 37 years. I know his wife and she approves of him having me in his life, but it has taken many years of patience and time for me to earn her trust and show her that I am not a threat to their marriage.

In my opinion, this lifestyle requires a great amount of emotional maturity. When I entered the lifestyle, it was with a confidence that I have the emotional maturity that is required and although I have had some emotional challenges- I have remained true to my values and personal ethics.

I hope you get lots of feedback from others in your situation. I know there are plenty of people here who have been in your shoes!
 

Ltmusicdude

New member
I was dating someone and about two months in she asked me if I was ok with an open relationship.
I didn't really know what she meant but soon I learned all about polyamory and it made me rather jealous at first.
The thing that switched me over was seeing how happy he made here when we hung out. You just have to understand that love shouldn't be quantified and then you start to really get polyamory.
Now I will be living with them soon and I couldn't be happier. Long story short if the person truly cares about you then they will accept you for what you are.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
My wife and I have always been open. We were a couple who enjoyed threesome. We fell in love and had to deal with both the awareness we could love more than one and the fact that the girl we loved would never love use back.
 

Flear

New member
growing up, it just grew within me.

first something i just accepted could be possible, then an idea i played with but didn't think that was seriously what i would be after in my life. from there it got stronger till i knew it was something i was after. now it's something i know i can't live without.

as things were progressing i had no idea what was out there. grew up with the standard views of "monogamy is the way things are don't you know?" so as a child growing up i never questioned that there could be another way.

no one showed me or told me, or introduced me, or guided me. by the time i knew this was something serious with me is when i started looking it up. the most confusing part was figuring what 'polyamory" meant
 

Inyourendo

New member
My girlfriends and I shared guys as teenagers. I use to imagine my bff and I being neighbors and having the same man lol
 

idealist

Member
When I was 53, I met a young woman in her 30's and she told me about poly. It was the first time I had ever heard the word. That was in November 09 and by May 2010 I was active in the lifestyle.

The reason poly works for me is because I get to do poly and work it in a way that is comfortable for me. I love relationships ......and lots of them. But- I don't really care to see someone every day. I don't mind talking to my SO every day, but I'd prefer not to have to see someone or a group of people every day. Seeing people too often spoils the connection I have with them- that's just me. And it can make me feel trapped.

I also don't want to feel obligated that I have to be with someone or a group of people every weekend.

I like variety and change. I will always cycle back to each of my lovers and I like it to happen naturally.
 

NowIKnow

New member
I've always felt that I was in love with more than just one person from my early teens. It wasn't until I started reading Robert A. Heinlein's later books that I realized there were other people that thought the same way.
 
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