MonoVCPHG
New member
I second this. Your experiences and support were extremely important and helpful. So were Redpepper's NSBF, his experiences and support also helped. Everyone caring for everyone
Why and how did you get into poly?
- Thread starter Jearith
- Start date
I second this. Your experiences and support were extremely important and helpful. So were Redpepper's NSBF, his experiences and support also helped. Everyone caring for everyone
HappiestManAlive
New member
So - how do you *know* you're poly/mono?
Just something I decided to throw out there after reading through several threads tonight. There seems to be some degree of similarity between some stories, and not in others.
I also sense this may break down into the whole "non-monogamy vs. polyamory" thing - which is fine, as long as it's constructive.
For me - well, I didn't know what 'poly' was until about a year ago. What I did know was that I had a string of failed relationships (including one marriage and another LTR that broke off during engagement) that all had one big thing in common: Me falling in love with someone else while involved and still very, very much in love with my partner.
To this day, I can look back at all my relationships of the past 17 years and see 3 or 4 women whom to this day I love immensely and would be happy to include in my current situation were all parties involved so willing and comfortable (ha).
Violet came along and changed my life with her relationship views, and we discovered that what we were seeking and working on was nothing new, and had been coined "polyamory", and the rest is recent history. I can look back at those previous relationships now through a new lens and it's all so clear! And so sad...
So how is it for mono's? Is it as simple as knowing that you could bever have romantic or sexual feelings toward more than one person, or is there more to it than that? I for one literally cannot fathom that, lol. In my mind, I figure being mono MUST involve some semblance of denial and/or restraint when those feelings come up for another - but I realize that this implies that you ever HAVE such feelings - a concept the antithesis of which I cannot conceive in more than a very esoteric manner. So enlighten me and the rest of us poly folk!
As for "the other thing". The ongoing poly/non-monogamy thing and issues with being called swingers or vice versa and so on has waxed and waned on these and other boards and in other places as well,but has never gone away, and probably never will.
Different people associate sex differently with emotion and relationships. Whereas there is some level of agreement that "poly" is focused on the feelings and "swinging" et al is about the sex, there is a HUGE gray area in between, and even a level of frustration when it comes to "separating" the two - which is easy for some, and impossible for others.
Discussion?
Just something I decided to throw out there after reading through several threads tonight. There seems to be some degree of similarity between some stories, and not in others.
I also sense this may break down into the whole "non-monogamy vs. polyamory" thing - which is fine, as long as it's constructive.
For me - well, I didn't know what 'poly' was until about a year ago. What I did know was that I had a string of failed relationships (including one marriage and another LTR that broke off during engagement) that all had one big thing in common: Me falling in love with someone else while involved and still very, very much in love with my partner.
To this day, I can look back at all my relationships of the past 17 years and see 3 or 4 women whom to this day I love immensely and would be happy to include in my current situation were all parties involved so willing and comfortable (ha).
Violet came along and changed my life with her relationship views, and we discovered that what we were seeking and working on was nothing new, and had been coined "polyamory", and the rest is recent history. I can look back at those previous relationships now through a new lens and it's all so clear! And so sad...
So how is it for mono's? Is it as simple as knowing that you could bever have romantic or sexual feelings toward more than one person, or is there more to it than that? I for one literally cannot fathom that, lol. In my mind, I figure being mono MUST involve some semblance of denial and/or restraint when those feelings come up for another - but I realize that this implies that you ever HAVE such feelings - a concept the antithesis of which I cannot conceive in more than a very esoteric manner. So enlighten me and the rest of us poly folk!
As for "the other thing". The ongoing poly/non-monogamy thing and issues with being called swingers or vice versa and so on has waxed and waned on these and other boards and in other places as well,but has never gone away, and probably never will.
Different people associate sex differently with emotion and relationships. Whereas there is some level of agreement that "poly" is focused on the feelings and "swinging" et al is about the sex, there is a HUGE gray area in between, and even a level of frustration when it comes to "separating" the two - which is easy for some, and impossible for others.
Discussion?
PixieStyx
New member
I've known of polyamory and polygamy etc growing up in Utah and getting constantly asked if I was a polygamist LOL (and the answer is a big resounding NO! lol) I've known of the practice but never realized I was poly (in any way shape or form) until quite recently when I fell in love with a man from my work whose wife passed away a couple of months ago. When I discovered I had feelings for him without my feelings for my husband changing one bit. THATS when I discovered and knew I was and capable of being polyamorous.
I'm interested to see the responses to this. It seems that some people identify as 100% poly or 100% mono and are very sure about it, whereas I personally feel like I would LIKE a poly arrangement but don't NEED it to be happy.
So I guess my answer to your question is that I don't know really how to identify (monoflexible?) but that for me I'm somewhere in the gray area.
So I guess my answer to your question is that I don't know really how to identify (monoflexible?) but that for me I'm somewhere in the gray area.
HappiestManAlive
New member
LMAO @ "monoflexible" - I like that!
There has been a discussion of a poly scale. Like the kinsey scale. To better describe some peoples place in relationships. Two methods to that thinking
mono <-> non-monogamy
then the second one could be
swinger <-> poly
For example I am a resounding 6 (non monogamist) on the first scale and a 4 or 5 on the poly one.
...its been tossed around in a few variations. Credit to the first thought I believe goes to idealist ok my take is a person one, and differs from others I know. I am the male in a married couple. I date people. I, like when I was single, will NOT fall in love with everyone I date. To me this is similar to how I was when I was single. I don't mind being intimate with people I don't love...and its usually the way I figure out if I am compatible right off the bat.
I am poly because I can love multiple people...but overall I am a non-monogamist. I haven't loved everyone I have been with in my open marriage, and I doubt I will moving forward
I am poly because I can love multiple people...but overall I am a non-monogamist. I haven't loved everyone I have been with in my open marriage, and I doubt I will moving forward
There has been a discussion of a poly scale. Like the kinsey scale. To better describe some peoples place in relationships. Two methods to that thinking
mono <-> non-monogamy
then the second one could be
swinger <-> poly
For example I am a resounding 6 (non monogamist) on the first scale and a 4 or 5 on the poly one.
I guess I'd be about a 3 and a 6.
Ooh there could be a grid with mono vs. non-monogamy on one axis and swinger vs. poly on the other...
MonoVCPHG
New member
forget the labels. I connect intimately or "love" on partner that I want to communicate sexually with at a time. Sexuality separates that love from any other type of love for me. That's why the whole "you can love more than one child or sibling or parent thing" holds no water for me. I can find someone phyisicallly attractive sure but my sexuality is tied into the state of loving. When I love some one, that is the person I want to share myself with. No denial, just the way it is I have never had an overlap in connection in 38 years, no conflict of "who do I love". I stop loving one before sharing myself with another. Just the way I am.
I have never had an overlap in connection in 38 years, no conflict of "who do I love". I stop loving one before sharing myself with another. Just the way I am.
redpepper
Active member
how about this long thread about the very topic of is everyone really just poly.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2745&highlight=scale
still working on the scale thing, but we have talked about it... here somewhere.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2745&highlight=scale
still working on the scale thing, but we have talked about it... here somewhere.
redpepper
Active member
superjast wrote a bit on this thread.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2771&page=2
*Bah!* not much though. This is why it's important to tag people! Learn to love your 'edit tag' button! geesh....
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2771&page=2
*Bah!* not much though. This is why it's important to tag people! Learn to love your 'edit tag' button! geesh....
redsirenn
New member
For myself, I have no idea.
I have been aware that I can love more than one person in a romantic way for a very long time...
I have been the classic serial monogamist, dumping one boy for another just so I could explore the other in a "right" way. I hurt a lot of people due to this.
When I was in high school I cheated on my first love with his best friend. That is probably the closest to poly I ever got when I was younger... I remember thinking how they were so different and each provided me with something unique. I had no idea that polyamory existed and broke it off with both of them in an attempt to make things right. It was a package deal to me, all or none.
The situation with my ex husband is a bad example for some reasons (abusive relationship) and good for others (attraction stifled and sex drive plummeted). Being monogamous with him for 8 years killed my sex drive. It is possible that it was all him being a shit hole... but I'll never know.
That relationship is why I question almost everything about my love life. It completely fucked with my head. Who knows if I can be mono because I never had a good shot at it.
When I met O, I was "dating" another man, T, long distance. T wanted to become exclusive with me (long distance?!) and that seemed impossible to me. The relationship with T turned into friendship and some heartbreak late last year.
J is the current other. Sometimes I wish that I could just be a swinger. My head and body don't really work like that, however. It feels like feelings complicate things. Now I have to consider him and his feelings, mine, and O's.
Then there is the casual sex... both with friends, (the best!) and boys I labeled as boyfriends for the week we "dated" for society's sake. Didn't want to be a "slut"! Oh yah - then there was that foray into "lesbianism" last week. haha.
.....but - Who fucking knows how to tell if you are poly/mono, etc. I bet someone else could easily label me based on the above stories, but I cannot even do that for myself.
My sexuality seems to be, well, situational. Is that a title? "Conditional bi/mono/poly/swinger" huh.
I have been aware that I can love more than one person in a romantic way for a very long time...
I have been the classic serial monogamist, dumping one boy for another just so I could explore the other in a "right" way. I hurt a lot of people due to this.
When I was in high school I cheated on my first love with his best friend. That is probably the closest to poly I ever got when I was younger... I remember thinking how they were so different and each provided me with something unique. I had no idea that polyamory existed and broke it off with both of them in an attempt to make things right. It was a package deal to me, all or none.
The situation with my ex husband is a bad example for some reasons (abusive relationship) and good for others (attraction stifled and sex drive plummeted). Being monogamous with him for 8 years killed my sex drive. It is possible that it was all him being a shit hole... but I'll never know.
That relationship is why I question almost everything about my love life. It completely fucked with my head. Who knows if I can be mono because I never had a good shot at it.
When I met O, I was "dating" another man, T, long distance. T wanted to become exclusive with me (long distance?!) and that seemed impossible to me. The relationship with T turned into friendship and some heartbreak late last year.
J is the current other. Sometimes I wish that I could just be a swinger. My head and body don't really work like that, however. It feels like feelings complicate things. Now I have to consider him and his feelings, mine, and O's.
Then there is the casual sex... both with friends, (the best!) and boys I labeled as boyfriends for the week we "dated" for society's sake. Didn't want to be a "slut"!
Oh yah - then there was that foray into "lesbianism" last week. haha......but - Who fucking knows how to tell if you are poly/mono, etc. I bet someone else could easily label me based on the above stories, but I cannot even do that for myself.
My sexuality seems to be, well, situational. Is that a title? "Conditional bi/mono/poly/swinger" huh.
MonoVCPHG
New member
My sexuality seems to be, well, situational. Is that a title? "Conditional bi/mono/poly/swinger" huh.
"Situational sexuality"....brilliant!
DazednConfused
New member
My sort of relevent query, do "Polys" consider polyamory a lifestyle or an orientation?
Short answer; both, and a toolkit for doing multiple romantic relationships well.
orientation. But its individual I think.
Some poly people live it as a lifestyle. They want to find love...enjoy love and thrive in love.
Some poly people want to date, enjoy the opportunity presented and will fall in love, if love presents itself.
There are many other options, but those are two that show the differences. I fall into part 2....I know a number that fall into part 1.
...we are all polyEugenePoet
New member
"How do I know?" I don't anymore. Over the last 3 months I've become more aware that it seems uncomfortable for me to be in love with more than one woman. As Mono writes, it's not a matter of self-control or denial, it's an internal circuitry of some kind.
There are lots of electrical switches available. Some let you select a single signal path at a time -- you can listen either to your radio or your CD player or your MP3 player. But not all at the same time. Some selectors let you use multiple sources: you can pipe your electric guitar and your dub box and your drum machine into the same recording line. Simultaneously.
This is a really crude analogy, but it feels a little like that to me. Some people's love-switches accept multiple inputs. My internal switches only really accept one love at a time. (It's a really a poorly designed switch, too, because there's quite a bit of arcing and burning when it has to change to a new configuration, and that hurts. )
But I'm lucky: I don't mind if the person I love has the other kind of switch. I can love someone who is also in love with other people. That's really great for me, because I can get the benefits of compersion and wider relationships even though I'm not completely poly. And I don't seem to suffer the terrible pains of jealousy and anger that sometimes go with the full mono configuration. Whew! What luck.
I don't really believe it's as simple as the switch analogy. People are damned complicated, and emotions are extraordinarily complex. The ideas of situational sexuality, serial non-monogamy, and relationship webs do a better job of showing some of the complexity.
There are lots of electrical switches available. Some let you select a single signal path at a time -- you can listen either to your radio or your CD player or your MP3 player. But not all at the same time. Some selectors let you use multiple sources: you can pipe your electric guitar and your dub box and your drum machine into the same recording line. Simultaneously.
This is a really crude analogy, but it feels a little like that to me. Some people's love-switches accept multiple inputs. My internal switches only really accept one love at a time. (It's a really a poorly designed switch, too, because there's quite a bit of arcing and burning when it has to change to a new configuration, and that hurts.
)But I'm lucky: I don't mind if the person I love has the other kind of switch. I can love someone who is also in love with other people. That's really great for me, because I can get the benefits of compersion and wider relationships even though I'm not completely poly. And I don't seem to suffer the terrible pains of jealousy and anger that sometimes go with the full mono configuration. Whew! What luck.
I don't really believe it's as simple as the switch analogy. People are damned complicated, and emotions are extraordinarily complex. The ideas of situational sexuality, serial non-monogamy, and relationship webs do a better job of showing some of the complexity.
racer812
New member
Uuuuuuummmmmmmm.............. I would say that I'm a mono, but I have done plenty of swinging. . I have female friends that I am sexually attracted to, have strong feelings for them and enjoy hanging out with them. But I don't know if I would call it love. Loving some one, for me, is loving them completely, unconditionally. I focus all of my "energy" on that person. I consider myself to be open minded, but I dont know if I could love another woman like I love my wife(still) I guess I have never had the opportunity to try. Love and sex, for me again, can be two separate things. When we were swinging, sex was for fun and the pleasure that it brought. When the wife and I have sex, its a completely different set of emotions.
. I have female friends that I am sexually attracted to, have strong feelings for them and enjoy hanging out with them. But I don't know if I would call it love. Loving some one, for me, is loving them completely, unconditionally. I focus all of my "energy" on that person. I consider myself to be open minded, but I dont know if I could love another woman like I love my wife(still) I guess I have never had the opportunity to try. Love and sex, for me again, can be two separate things. When we were swinging, sex was for fun and the pleasure that it brought. When the wife and I have sex, its a completely different set of emotions.TruckerPete
New member
I know because I sat down and told Indigo I would cheat if I couldn't be with more than one person. And it hurt SO much to say that to him because I love him.
All of my other long term relationships have been serial monogamy, and now, with Indigo and a poly relationship, he's outlasted everyone else by twice as long. (And managed to convince me to marry him! )
I was even "bad" at cheating, which I had to avoid simply because of my problems with anxiety.
So yeah, I fall into the orientation category.
All of my other long term relationships have been serial monogamy, and now, with Indigo and a poly relationship, he's outlasted everyone else by twice as long. (And managed to convince me to marry him!
)I was even "bad" at cheating, which I had to avoid simply because of my problems with anxiety.
So yeah, I fall into the orientation category.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
I've basically always known, even though I didn't have terminology or context for it.
When I was young, the concept of "one person for ever and always" sounded silly and naive, I knew I could never hack that.
Oddly enough, none of my relationships ever felt insufficient... I never felt that being with only one person at that time was holding me back or not meeting my needs. I was usually so caught up in NRE that I didn't think of anyone else. And since none of them were LTR material, the wearing-off of the NRE spelled the end of the relationship before I got to a stage where I was interested in other people.
With my marriage, it started out the same way: we were enough for one another, and even though I was vocally poly when we met, it was my idea to close off the relationship while we built a solid foundation. Once we had that, my poly feelings grew, and we opened our relationship back up.
When I was young, the concept of "one person for ever and always" sounded silly and naive, I knew I could never hack that.
Oddly enough, none of my relationships ever felt insufficient... I never felt that being with only one person at that time was holding me back or not meeting my needs. I was usually so caught up in NRE that I didn't think of anyone else. And since none of them were LTR material, the wearing-off of the NRE spelled the end of the relationship before I got to a stage where I was interested in other people.
With my marriage, it started out the same way: we were enough for one another, and even though I was vocally poly when we met, it was my idea to close off the relationship while we built a solid foundation. Once we had that, my poly feelings grew, and we opened our relationship back up.