Why is this so hard

BeastBoyBob

New member
My marriage went Poly about 4 years ago, in that time my wife has had at least 5 short term relationships and I don't want to think about how many random partners, I have had a total of 7 dates in 4 years and they went nowhere. I get some of it, I'm mildly autistic, which makes me somewhat socially awkward, I have gotten so much better in the last couple years. No one seems to be able to give me any answers on why no one wants to so much as have dinner with me. In my local Poly community every woman is either just looking for other women or they are Polysaturated. I've tried all the dating site fetlife, face book and everywhere else. I can't even get advice, sympathy yes but no help. I'm tired of being left out, tired of spending weekends or longer alone when my wife goes off with this or that Boyfriend. I do my best to be supportive and happy for my wife, I can see how fulfilled she is because of shared love, I would never ask her to be less or to rein it in, but I want those feeling for me, I want to know affection from more than one source. maybe I just want to much from this?
 

Tinwen

Active member
It's just hard. Sorry to hear about your lack of success.

It's harder for men in general to make a good impression as 'poly', so it's not just your autistic traits. In fact, to me it seems that autistic and poly go together well enough - poly is a well-described alternative structure, the term seems to appeal to people who think in a more structured way.

You can study how attraction works - there is this entire field of pickup, which did genuinely help some. Trouble is, most of the sources you meet will tend to teach manipulative and disrespectful behaviour towards women alongside with the working advice they can offer. Please be mindful of that as you go into it. and use your best judgement.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello BeastBoyBob,

Like Tinwen said, it is usually harder for a man to find a woman who is willing to have a polyamorous relationship with him, than it is for a woman to find a poly man. I have come to have less faith in poly dating sites, and more faith in getting to know people in person. The best (and most likely) romantic relationships start out as platonic friendships, in other words you should befriend people with no expectations. You will tend to find romance just when you are not looking, and it is a tedious process. Like I said women have it easier, but you can't do much to rectify that. All you can do is try your best to work with what you have.

There's an interesting read on the topic: The Switcheroo: when openers become benchwarmers

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 

Inaniel

Active member
You are not expecting too much from polyamory. The whole point is to receive affection from multiple partners…

I think to understand the dating world you have to generalize a bit, because modern dating is a numbers game.

Generally speaking hetero women have the benefit of dipping into the general non-poly dating pool of men for brief relationships and casual sex. In a numbers game, dipping into that population is a huge benefit. Have you considered expanding your horizons and dating non-poly? There are so many women out there who are interested in an NSA or FWB type of relationship….

As a married man you are much more disadvantaged in the dating pool. This is definitely true for the normal dating pool and may even be true in the poly dating pool as well.

This is because a lot of societal stigmas surround married men dating. These are deeply ingrained in our social construction, so much so that it effects the way someone thinks about dating you…. Even an open minded prospect, and I dare to say that it might even effect how a poly person feels about dating you.

What marriage “says about you” is that you have already committed your resources to someone else. Add to that the stigma of a man “married and looking”, and the stigma women are made to feel about dating a married man in our society. YOU. are swimming against the current.

male + married + poly = very few matches

Men who have not committed their resources to someone will naturally fair better in the dating world…. This is the problem with polyamory and marriage, not to rant but marriage is a legal contract to commit your resources to one person. It’s a monogamous institution, there is no legal room for anyone else in this equation. In a lot of ways marriage says “I am taken” for a man, even a poly man. And it just doesn’t say the same thing for women when you consider the *general differences in dating strategies for men and women. (I realize there are exceptions)

It may help to eliminate the marriage contract and replace it with something like a cohabitation agreement. I am currently in the middle of this process and it makes much more sense for me. I would discourage most men who want to have a vibrant dating life from engaging in a martial contract.

The marriage thing alone probably increases your potential matches by an order of magnitude.

But since that all probably sounds crazy to you, my only other advice would be to not give up. And when something isn’t working, try something different.

Ideas that may or may not apply:

- Less wordy and more mysterious profile.

- Less serious and more playful profile.

- Shamelessly communicating your best qualities in a subtle way, preferably through pictures.

- Pictures are the single most important aspect of modern dating. If you can’t take awesome photos of yourself, pay someone who can.

- Consider starting an Instagram or curating your existing account to showcase your best photos and greatest adventures.

- Consider new interests and hobby’s for the sake of meeting people. Photography is a great one, and relates back to my previous point.

- Consider playing around with some new styles and looks, have fun with it, try some men’s jewelry. (e.g. I was never a watch guy, but tried it and now I like it.) - Make it have meaning though. Decorating yourself with meaningful things makes it easier to talk about your experiences.

Taking time to perfect your profile will help no matter what you are seeking. You can also change what you are looking for:

The fuckboy approach: If your hankering for sex you can try to make a very sex-focused, profile. No point in mentioning poly here, just keep it fanciful…. It could lead to some fun experiences that may tide you over until you find something more affectionate… You never know..

Women have had sex with me without even knowing my name, so you can imagine in this type of dynamic your poly orientation is not so important…

Other than changing your situation, perfecting your strategy, and broadening your target audience…. You could learn to accept your position and find happiness in some other interest while your wife is away on romantic adventures.

If you do explore the world of dating coaches (the modern equivalent of “PUA”). Please do watch out for misogynistic themes and remember that expressed enthusiastic consent is everything when navigating sexual relationships.

Best of luck to you!
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
No one seems to be able to give me any answers on why no one wants to so much as have dinner with me.
Rather impossible to tell from a couple of forum posts. Your profile pic is cool, it looks like you have some kind of "alt community" interest, and you're not difficult to look at, so given the good visual presentation, I'd guess it's not that. Do you have activities that you do that are completely separate from your wife? Places where people meet you as just you, not part of a couple.

I agree with cultivating some photos that look like you know how to go out and have an adventurous life. You don't need to climb mountains, but a variety of conversation starters to reach a broad range of people would be handy.

You mentioned you have tried fetlife. Not a site intended to be a dating site, but the events pages (to find munches) and the discussion groups (to find people who have the same interests as you) are the real value in it. I met my partner, Puck, on a discussion board. I met my good friend (and sometimes fwb) Mike, at a munch. Mike often jokes that he put all his points in charisma. He does, but only it turns it on when he's socialising. Both of them are married, both of them pick up women as easily as shooting fish in a barrel - when they're in the mood to. Both of them present as having something very clear to offer a potential partner: a new experience (could be kink, could be kayaking, could be caviar). They both listen really well to find out what the woman they are talking to wants from spending time with them (as offered through the carefully curated photos or hints dropped during first conversations) and then...do that.

What are you offering people who could be interested in you? Why don't they want dinner? Because they can get dinner anywhere, with anyone. What can you offer that's a little bit different?
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Evie is kind of mirroring what I would say.

I do well on sites where I can communicate first. Sites like this for example
Fetlife has proved interesting since it can connect you
Alignment on hobbies is likely more interesting, since hobbies can bind you, where just being interested in a poly relationship is not very interesting (imho)
I do better in person, munches, parties, get togethers... I present well, and communicate better. I am a physical flirt. Online flirting can come across as crass and honestly every woman has 100's of guys flirting with her, getting through the noise and NOT coming across as an asshole is difficult.

Good luck, it isn't easy. Not sure how big your community is either, since that plays a big part. If you are in a community where dating mono's is really the only option, that is greatly limiting.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
As someone who tends to meet people online, here's my experience and more tips:

...honestly every woman has 100's of guys flirting with her...
I keep hearing this but I don't experience it 😂

On Fetlife, I keep a pretty low profile in Antarctica these days and that prevents me showing up in local searches. Whenever I do change my location back to where I actually live, I get a handful of clumsy, "how you doin' " style messages from comparatively blank profiles. It would be generous to call it flirting. I appreciate that high profile women with lots of photos and often of particular demographics get a ridiculous number of dm's but there are probably even more women who don't.

So, get *their* attention in a positive way - have some interesting writings on your profile. Please don't have a dick pic avatar. Have a bio with a few conversation starters and invite people to DM you. Please don't write, "I am an open book, ask me anything," because it's too vague. Invite people to ask you about something specific. Make it clear what your (kink) jam is and that you have something valuable to share (that isn't your dick or your tongue) even if what you have to share is your journey into learning new things. Invite people along on that journey. Honestly, just talking about it - the tools (rope, wax, needles, impact toys, best brands or local suppliers of whatever), a good class you attended, a really informative YouTube channel or the experiences you have had that you cherish, can be the in road to building an interesting dialogue.

If you're sending the first message, coming across as not-an-arsehole is also quite easy. Find something in her writing or profile (not pictures) that you agree with, and let her know you agree with it. Share something of your own experience with that thing. Don't ask for anything until there is a clear rapport, but show an interest in building that rapport. See her as a complete and complex person (of course you do, but are you conveying that?) and most importantly of all, don't ever whine that you're not getting any.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
I keep hearing this but I don't experience it 😂
Really just talking from partners experience (since I am a guy)... in ... several cases that I was aware of, they would post a profile with a pic, on

okc (early days)
fetlife

And within minutes have messages, within a day or so have 100's of messages. haha. As a singlular example, it was bonkers to see my wife sift through the steeping piles of garbage sent to her (early Fet really produced junk). Any good folks sending messages were lost in the noise.

It was terrible. I couldn't imagine the anxiety of trying to deal with that amount of crap haha.. I felt bad for the odd good guy since they inevitably got missed.

Maybes its changed these days as the online dating community and poly have matured. *shrugs*...
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
@Ariakas being in Antarctica, and being not very active in Groups, and posting only sporadically reduces A LOT of unsolicited mail. But even when I was more active, most of my DMs were about the local munch I was running.

I dipped my toe in an actual dating site (it had polyamory in the name but I can't remember exactly which one it was, I had so much trouble with cancelling my membership) and got a lot more messages, but certainly not hundreds a day. But then, I live/d in a small town in a small country so there wouldn't have been hundreds searching.

My stance still stands on being intriguing enough that the woman makes the first contact. But even better, go out and meet people in person.
 

Inaniel

Active member
Maybes its changed these days as the online dating community and poly have matured. *shrugs*...

It hasn’t… Evie literally keeps her location set to ANTARCTICA… Imagine that…

OP lives in Indianapolis, USA. And only agreed to poly in order to “save the marriage” (per his post in another thread).

Evie’s referenced partner (from the kink site) lives half a world away…. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that; only that it might not be the fate OP is looking for…. And it speaks volumes about looking for love on the fringes…

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having a “type”, whether that is related to kink, attributes, ect…. I used to only date people that had similar tastes in music to my own for example, it was extremely important to me, but I am glad that I eventually gave other people a chance…
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
And that's why I originally suggested that online isn't the best way to look for partners. (Goodness knows neither Puck nor I were looking for a relationship when we met each other.) Activities and places where you OP, or anyone who is looking for someone to connect with, can go and enjoy themselves and meet people as an individual rather than as part of a couple are still probably the best way to find local potential partners.

We're all on the fringes of something, probably more than one thing. Go find those groups.

Or you could take a leaf out of Inaniel's book and meet someone at work 🙂 Check out his blog to read about his journey. He's an excellent writer.
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
It hasn’t… Evie literally keeps her location set to ANTARCTICA… Imagine that…
Yeah, imagine being a high school teacher in a very small town. I'm not in Antarctica to avoid DMs 😉
 

fuchka

Active member
@Evie Naww imagine the disappointment when someone in Antarctica thinks it's their lucky (24 hr) day matching with you...
 

Inaniel

Active member
Or you could take a leaf out of Inaniel's book and meet someone at work 🙂

I’d like to make it clear that I do not endorse this… ☺️
 

Ostrich

Active member
BBB,

I hear you on the lack of dating opportunities. When DAG and I were practicing poly, he could get anyone he wanted. But for me, I couldn't even get an ex to date me, as he, in his words, stated "I'm tiptoeing around your marriage". I also have relatively low self esteem (who wants to date a 58 year old bi male?) and am naturally introverted. I am working to be more social, but Covid is not really allowing for outward connections.

In the short term, do you have any hobbies, or anything you've thought about taking up as a hobby? If so, work on that. When DAG was spending time with his partners, I worked on my hobbies. I never did any chores around the house while he was out, because if he's not working, neither should I. Video games, our dogs and jewelry making made it much more fun than sitting around wondering what DAG was up to.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
BBB,

I hear you on the lack of dating opportunities. When DAG and I were practicing poly, he could get anyone he wanted. But for me, I couldn't even get an ex to date me, as he, in his words, stated "I'm tiptoeing around your marriage". I also have relatively low self esteem (who wants to date a 58 year old bi male?) and am naturally introverted. I am working to be more social, but Covid is not really allowing for outward connections.

In the short term, do you have any hobbies, or anything you've thought about taking up as a hobby? If so, work on that. When DAG was spending time with his partners, I worked on my hobbies. I never did any chores around the house while he was out, because if he's not working, neither should I. Video games, our dogs and jewelry making made it much more fun than sitting around wondering what DAG was up to.
I'm completely interested in meeting a 58 year old bi guy! ;P
 

Ostrich

Active member
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