Why Polyamory (sadly) can't be for Everyone

[Aery]

IMHO, not to get dark, but as far as any certainty whether a relationship is healthy (emotionally non-supportive without criticism/attacks/contemptuousness/are the big indicator that a relationship is likely doomed under any relational model), more than jealousy, poly needs flexibility, not power moves that condemn. Of course, these are just articles, presentations, not meant to be anything but stirrers of your perception/learning, not all-encompassing commandments. It took some crises and changes in my life to move from provisional mindsets about "ideal relationships" to become softer and more caring about others, adjusting focus, to not trying to alter others.

When we look back we realize we did not live according to our true nature. Our families pass on certain lenses to us when we are children, which become our partial reality, conditioning our view of life and influencing our choices. We create a provisional personality from the strategies we acquire, yet we yearn to recover connectedness with ourselves, from estrangement from our real self which is based on our false, wounded vision. The only real tragedy in life is when we remain unaware of that deep loathing, and this neurotic split between two selves/identities that must be understood, ultimately as the suffering of a soul which has not discovered its individual meaning.

The ego tries to maintain the known identities and status quo; it tries to remain in charge. But the psyche strives toward an inner dialectic. The ego’s defenses inform the hope for the perfect relationship. This is a juvenile state. The disillusionment we feel when we realize that all relationships are imperfect and limited in their ability to meet our psychological needs is a necessary. Our long-term intimate relationships hold the potential for much pain and disillusionment. These disillusionments carry with them the unmet needs of the inner child in ourselves and partners.

The options of divorce, separation or having other partners are today a way to not have to remain stuck in a situation that serves neither party on their journey. Nevertheless, one’s partner can most definitely play a supporting role in our journey, but with the agreement that one does not run away from taking the majority of responsibility for one’s life. Whatever merits a third party may have in reality, she or he will certainly be the bearer of many projections, such as magical fusion.

We must free ourselves from the dictates of culture to connect with our passion. The free child can easily be inhibited by institutions such as marriage, but healing begins when we openly ask what our spontaneous, healthy child wants; and the inner child needs to be consciously asked what needs to be restored that was restricted. A dialogue with ourselves; asking the daily question: ‘Who am I in this situation?' These parts of us speaks in symbols.

Each person must become more fully an individual before there can be a transformation of the relationship. Loving the otherness of our partner(s) is a transcendent event, for one enters the true mystery of relationship in which one is taken to the third place – not you plus me, but we, who are more than ourselves with each other.