Wife is going on cruise with her boyfriend

You don't have to apologize for being jealous. I get why you are thinking about it, but jealousy is just a feeling. If you haven't DONE anything based on it, you have nothing to apologize for. You might, however, want to let her know you are having these feelings. That could help both of you!
 
Pip said:
Our marriage was fine and still is. We have been like this since 2012. Dawn has had several lovers over the years and they've always been casual affairs. I think it’s me that’s being silly. Karl is madly in love with Dawn and it’s that I struggle with. Before they started dating they knew each other from work. She’s still with him in Stratford at the moment, but she will be back later and I’ll apologise for being jealous.
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So you two have been polyamorous for over 10 years, but this is the first time a guy has been this in love with her? Is this also the first time Dawn has felt so strongly about another man?

It can be hard in life to find someone who really loves you and you love them back and everything seems really good. I guess since they've been friends for so long, adding in the romantic part is really exciting. They are quite compatible. And now Dawn is sharing TMI about Karl with you. You can ask her to stop telling you about how wonderful he is, in bed and out. She can share those details with other friends of hers.

You may think you're OK with having him over and listening to them having sex, but maybe that's not really good for you.

Meanwhile, it's perfectly OK to ask for reassurance. You can want this. However, think about what she can do to help you feel like you're still important to her. Maybe you want acknowledgment that you've been her partner for a long time, through thick and thin, and that this matters to her, and she values you. You really sound like you need some special dates to make more positive fun memories together, despite her new relationship.

That's what I've tried to do recently. I've got a bf of 20 months and in all my time of dating polyamorously, he loves me more than any other man has, and vice versa. It's awesome. At the same time, I love love love my long-term nesting partner and make sure to make time for us to have fun, cuddle and have sex, go out to museums or arboretums, etc., have nice dinners at home, get her a little "just because" gift, or whatever.

I remember when my (ex) husband and I first opened our relationship in 1999, and he met a woman he was really excited about. She was a long-distance gf, and spent Valentine's Day at our house. My ex h gave her the same present he gave me, and gave our 3 kids that same thing too: a box of chocolates and one rose. He wanted to be fair and prevent jealousy. I actually did feel dissed though, since I'd been with him for 20 years and he'd only been with her for about 4 months! (I thought I should've gotten a bigger bouquet lol) It was definitely a mistake for him to try to share that romantic holiday with both of us, even though we were trying to do kitchen table poly. We both made other clumsy mistakes, as well. I have learned from them.

I wonder if you've ever read the book Opening Up. Even though you say you're experienced at polyamory, somehow it seems you're experiencing many things for the first time and are feeling kind of lost, upset, sad and frightened. This book covers all the bases of poly, how things can go wrong, how to keep things fair and balanced, etc.
 
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Pip said:
Thanks for that. It makes sense, as we do things as a couple they don’t, like walking the dog and going to the local for a pint. So I get it. It’s just that we never have sex anymore and if I get a hard on, it only lasts a minute. I know I disappoint her. But as you said, there’s more to life than sex. She’s just left to go to his for her Friday night of fun, as she calls it. She’s going to a BBQ of the couple whose wedding she’s going to in September. It’s about an hour drive away. She just said they are staying at the Holiday Inn near where the BBQ is. I didn’t show it, but I hate that they are acting more like a couple than we do. I thought she was just going over to his for a pizza. And this is the bit I don’t like: she already posted about the BBQ in Stratford tonight on Facebook.
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Penetration is only one form of sex. Have you sought medical treatment for your difficulties in maintaining an erection? That aside, is there any reason why you aren’t intimate with your wife in other ways, such as providing her oral sex, cuddling, and other forms of intimacy?
 
Pip said:
Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you say. Dawn is hopelessly in love with Karl and I’m just a little jealous, that’s all. She cuddles up to me 5 out of 7 nights a week and says she loves me, so that’s good enough for me. I stupidly suggested that she stay with him for 2 nights on the trot at the weekends, and she’s said she would like that, and Karl has agreed. So now she’s 3 nights in his bed and 4 in ours. I think, eventually, and this does frighten me, she will leave me for him.
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Im not sure I understand the issue. You say she’s gone 3 nights a week 3x52 =156 . Do you deem vacation time worth more or have a higher value of the other 156 days or nights ? And at 9 weeks Karl hasn’t earned 10 consecutive days and nights of vacation time.

In yrs past was vacation time generally spent together as a couple or as a family. Do you have kids ? ..and will they be affected by her using her vacation time with her lover ?
 
The issue is to be honest my wife is madly in love with Karl he feels the same and I’m feeling left out, but it is what it is.
 
I think you’re suffering from poly hell. ( Demotion, displacement and intrusion ) I know kev gave you a list of links and I’m not sure if it was listed but you might want to read up on poly hell and have you wife read it too. If she willing to work with you on some of this stuff it could help make the blows come in less frequent and less crushing. You’re right it is what it is but maybe you don’t have to take crushing blow after crushing blow.

When you decided to open back in 2012 what kind of prep work did each of you do…and more specifically has or did Dawn do any kind of prep to be a good hinge ? I think being a good hinge with a string of fuck buddies is much easier than full blown romantic love that she has with Karl. She might have to go back to hinge school.
 
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dingedheart said:
I think you’re suffering from poly hell. ( Demotion, displacement and intrusion ) I know kev gave you a list of links and I’m not sure if it was listed but you might want to read up on poly hell and have you wife read it too. If she willing to work with you on some of this stuff it could help make the blows come in less frequent and less crushing. You’re right it is what it is but maybe you don’t have to take crushing blow after crushing blow.

When you decided to open back in 2012 what kind of prep work did each of you do…and more specifically has or did Dawn do any kind of prep to be a good hinge ? I think being a good hinge with a string of fuck buddies is much easier than full blown romantic love that she has with Karl. She might have to go back to hinge school.
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Yeah you are correct, I was cool with her having regular friends with benefits it’s the full blown fallen in love thing I’m struggling with, I’m scared that I’ll loose her to Karl, I’m sure I won’t but I’ve never felt this threatened before
 
When I get those feelings, I ask myself about that worst case scenario. Let's say that happens. Then what? I don't know you. But if my wife found another person that she loved more than me and decided to leave me for him, I'd be sad. But I'd be OK. I assume she'd be happier, and I love her. If she'd be in a better place with someone else, she should do that. Life is short. I'll be OK, though our finances are really tied together. So, we'd have some work to do!

I've been divorced before. It wasn't fun, but it turned out OK. It was amicable (as much as could be, under the circumstances). I'm in a MUCH better place now. I think she is too (I know she is, but I don't know everything about her situation...just that it wouldn't have been great with me anymore).

But you know, this honeymoon thing with Karl is not going to last. She's got all the NRE, but that fades. Then what? It's possible this long of a trip will show her things about Karl she doesn't like. That's a long time to be with someone, and she's going to see all the non-date personality. It could well bring her back to earth in many ways. In that case, she is reminded of how compatible you two have been for so long.

We could go through ALL these what-if scenarios, of course, and you probably already are. But look, the worst-case scenario isn't the end of the world. It's also very unlikely, as you know. Talk to your wife, and she will probably reassure you on all of this. You aren't being stupid, though. You are just having some feels.
 
Pip what’s your plan for when she’s on the cruise ? Any chance you could get away and visit friends or do something fun too ?

HAVE you and your wife discussed contact during her trip. Some people like doing that other feel it makes it worse. Plus nothing says obligation like “ the check in call at a specific time “
 
Just an update on my previous thread and my worries about her and Karl going on a cruise: they had a lovely time and I also had a great ten days to think about if I was happy with all that's gone on. I have to say I'm really happy.

She said she really missed me and that at times he got on her nerves. She said the sex, the sea, the spirits and sights blew her mind, but she was glad to be home with me cuddled up in bed. I'm pleased she is super happy.

She said she never thought she could love two men at once. That's what I wanted to hear. So things here are all great.

Their next holiday is in November. They are going to Tenerife for a week with another couple (his friends). I'm really ok with that, as she deserves all the holidays she can get. She loves him and I'm pleased for them both.

I will keep you all updated. xxx
 
Hi Pip,

Thanks for that update, I am glad things have worked out well with you, your wife, and Karl. It sounds like she still loves you, as much as ever. Things are looking hopeful as far as the future is concerned. I'm looking forward to your future updates.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Pip said:
Just an update on my previous thread and my worries about her and Karl going on a cruise: they had a lovely time and I also had a great ten days to think about if I was happy with all that's gone on. I have to say I'm really happy.

She said she really missed me and that at times he got on her nerves. She said the sex, the sea, the spirits and sights blew her mind, but she was glad to be home with me cuddled up in bed. I'm pleased she is super happy.

She said she never thought she could love two men at once. That's what I wanted to hear. So things here are all great.

Their next holiday is in November. They are going to Tenerife for a week with another couple (his friends). I'm really ok with that, as she deserves all the holidays she can get. She loves him and I'm pleased for them both.

I will keep you all updated. xxx
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I'm so glad things are working out and you feel reassured and happy. :)
 
hi, i am new to this site so will add my bit and hope it helps. we opened our marriage after 40yrs and really works for us. it appears after a few weeks is a bit soon for mine and my wifes boyfriends are not about love at all, its sex only. we both agreed that her relationships are not about emotional attachments. i actively encourage her partners and we all get on very well, go out together, they have stayed over and if the opportunity exists, stay over aswell. we have invited a boyfriend to move in if they want and i have said to her, if she wants to go away on weekends or short holidays, its ok by me. this said, its because we trust each other 100%, honest communication and we did not rush into it. Communication is the key, therefore i believe you must discuss this, do not let jealousy enter your relationship.
i hope this helps some small way and wish you well
 
pallyt said:
it appears after a few weeks is a bit soon for mine and my wifes boyfriends are not about love at all, its sex only. we both agreed that her relationships are not about emotional attachments
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This is a forum about polyamory, which means "many loves". Love *is* about emotional attachment. Maybe you should be giving advice on a swinger forum, where it's about "sex only".
 
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