Wife Wants Temporary Exclusivity With Boyfriend

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radicaljd

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My (35M) wife (33F) "Gina" and I, married 11 years, just recently opened up our marriage at Gina's request so she could pursue a relationship with a man ("Bill") she developed a crush on. I am mono, so we decided this would be one-sided poly for Gina only. I was hesitant at first, but decided that this may be good for our marriage since, though our sex if great, Gina's desired frequency for sex is much greater than mine.

After Gina's relationship with Bill turned sexual, about a month ago, she's been head-over-heels for him, classic NRE from what I've read here. Their relationship isn't just sexual, she loves doing other things with him, like dancing, and has expressed that she is feeling a deep emotional bond with him.

I recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being. She then hit me with a shocker: Gina asked me if it would be okay if she remains sexually exclusive to Bill for a short period (she suggested 2 months) to allow her to "bond" with Bill and let the NRE pass.

I have no doubts about Gina's sincerity when she says she loves me and wants me always to be her life partner. And, for me, stepping aside sexually for 2 months wouldn't be an extreme hardship per se, since I am happy with sex maybe once every week or two anyway (as opposed to Gina, who likes it almost daily, if possible). My only fear is that by putting our sexual relationship on hold, Gina may "bond" with Bill more than even she intends, and I might be pushed away indefinitely.

Has anyone had a similar situation as this? If so, how did things work out?
 
I would never agree to that. I mean, if someone doesn't want to have sex with me, that's their choice but I wouldn't remain in a relationship where the other person doesn't want me physically AND doesn't want me to be with other people.
 
I wouldn't agree to that either. All that will do is put more space between you.
 
It is her body. If she doesn't want to share sex with you right now, you cannot force her to.

And, for me, stepping aside sexually for 2 months wouldn't be an extreme hardship per se, since I am happy with sex maybe once every week or two anyway (as opposed to Gina, who likes it almost daily, if possible).

You say it doesn't bother you from a libido perspective. So I suggest you wait and see. Give it the two months she requests before deciding anything. Perhaps new information will arise.

My only fear is that by putting our sexual relationship on hold, Gina may "bond" with Bill more than even she intends, and I might be pushed away indefinitely.

I could understand that. Yet the outcome is not something you can predict or see right NOW at this time. To get to "outcome" place, you have to let the time pass. So I suggest waiting it out.

If you find that it's been X months of no longer being lovers? She's no longer maintaining her relationship with you?

You may have to decide at THAT point in time if you want to keep participating in this polyship and/or this marriage any more or not. But I suggest you not jump the gun or work yourself up over it. Just take it one day at a time and see what unfolds.

Don't focus too much on what she's doing with Bill or not doing with Bill. The main fear seems to be "I am afraid she's going to push me away." So focus on what connections are happening in the (you + her) relationship.

Because what if she stops seeing Bill and takes up bowling and spends all her time doing that? The problem is not what she's doing. The problem is what she STOPPED doing -- connecting with you.

Galagirl
 
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Overall, it sounds like you're dealing pretty well with having opened up your marriage, radicaljd, even though it wasn't initially your idea and you're the monogamous party. I gather you've done a lot of reading, discussing and processing over the past few months, as you're not expressing much in the way of jealousy or feeling abandoned, left out etc. I'm glad it seems to be working out.

I do see how your wife's latest request might cause concern and potentially be quite hurtful, and I give you major kudos for considering what she's asking of you with a great degree of calm rationality.

Like others have said, it would be wrong to try and force/coerce her to share sex with you if she refuses or just isn't feeling it - nobody should have to participate in sexual acts if they don't want to. Not that you're suggesting any such thing.

Having been in a similar situation to your wife's a while ago, I can say that I almost felt I was "cheating" on the NEW partner whenever I was intimate with my established partner during this phase. The same crazy NRE hormones which are responsible for a marked increase in sexual desire and often cause us to "fall" for the new person CAN simultaneously heighten interest in sex across the board and improve our sex life (and sometimes our relationship) with existing partner/s. However, in my experience, that is not always so.

I can certainly understand your trepidation, but if you otherwise have a loving relationship with your wife, with great communication and an enjoyable, somewhat varied sex life, the chances of re-connecting on a physical level once the first flush of NRE has waned is pretty high. IF, however, your sex life has grown stale or doesn't meet her needs in some vital (to her) way, other than frequency, you may have to address that once a moderate period of time has passed.

I'm not sure I'd be okay with an indefinite "stoppage" when it comes to your sex life though. This is your wife. You've been understanding, tolerant and open to her suggestions and desires. But you're a monogamous husband. She HAS to understand that you, likewise, have needs - both physical and emotional. I guess I'd advise you to relax and not put any pressure on her to engage sexually for a few weeks, then re-visit the issue, explaining the above (i.e. That you're willing to give her some time to "adjust", but are not willing to be cut out of the intimate side of her - your joint lives! - altogether.) If it doesn't revolve in a reasonable amount of time, counselling may help, or you may have to get to the bottom of what's REALLY behind her sudden interest in other lovers at your expense.
 
Wait, she gets to be with this new man, and you don't get to be with anyone at all? No way would I agree to this. Ever. You have the right to set boundaries.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm working through the mono/poly thing as well right now, although I'm the poly one. It can and will be hard. It will be a recurring issues for most mono/poly mixed couples. But unreasonable expectations - like this one - have to be a hard red line in the sand IMO.
 
What I wonder about is why she thinks that excluding you from intimacy will help NRE pass.
If she's uncomfortable having sex with you right now, you can't force it, so much has been said. But (although I don't really have experience and people are different, so I could be wrong) I totally don't see how increasing distance between the two of you is going to help wither the storm. Poly people repeatedly report that when NRE hits you have to exercise some discipline to not forget about your preexisting partners and commitments.
I'd be asking her to hold up bonding activities with you as much as possible. If intercourse feels out of the question right now, that's one thing, but I certainly hope it's not true for all physical touch, or the hobbies you used to enjoy together. I'd be asking her to take as much iniciative as possible to actually make plans with you that do still appeal to her. Bonding with two people at once may not come naturally for her, but since she wants to be poly, she ought to search for the best ways to learn it.
 
What I wonder about is why she thinks that excluding you from intimacy will help NRE pass.
If she's uncomfortable having sex with you right now, you can't force it, so much has been said. But (although I don't really have experience and people are different, so I could be wrong) I totally don't see how increasing distance between the two of you is going to help wither the storm. Poly people repeatedly report that when NRE hits you have to exercise some discipline to not forget about your preexisting partners and commitments.
I'd be asking her to hold up bonding activities with you as much as possible. If intercourse feels out of the question right now, that's one thing, but I certainly hope it's not true for all physical touch, or the hobbies you used to enjoy together. I'd be asking her to take as much iniciative as possible to actually make plans with you that do still appeal to her. Bonding with two people at once may not come naturally for her, but since she wants to be poly, she ought to search for the best ways to learn it.

NRE happens differently for everyone, of course. But IMO it just isn't fair at all for the existing partner - especially if that partner is mono - to have to make unreasonable concessions. This just seems really unreasonable. Of course, sex is something that has to be a million percent consensual...but OP should be able to sleep with others too if he wants.

You're right when you say this woman needs to learn poly. Poly isn't about completely ditching an existing partner and using NRE as an excuse. That's what it sounds like "Gina" may be doing here.
 
NRE happens differently for everyone, of course. But IMO it just isn't fair at all for the existing partner - especially if that partner is mono - to have to make unreasonable concessions.
I've pretty much reject the notion of "reasonable" and "fair" for relationships. I use prefered/not prefered, doable/not doable, willing/not willing, comfortable/out of my compfort zone, pleasant/painful, acceptable for me/unacceptale for me. (Admittably "unacceptable" can be sometimes based on a personal sense of "unfairness", but generally, I don't find those terms helpful.) It's always the matter of preferences, abilities, values and goals of two or more people.
 
I've pretty much reject the notion of "reasonable" and "fair" for relationships. I use prefered/not prefered, doable/not doable, willing/not willing, comfortable/out of my compfort zone, pleasant/painful, acceptable for me/unacceptale for me. (Admittably "unacceptable" can be sometimes based on a personal sense of "unfairness", but generally, I don't find those terms helpful.) It's always the matter of preferences, abilities, values and goals of two or more people.

That's a good point. Every connection and relationship is different. Hell, a lot of what I do/have done, others would be like no way, and vice versa. I guess it depends on what OP is willing to do/not do, and what he and his wife can work out. I just PERSONALLY would not do this. That is just me, though.

Good luck, OP.
 
I agree with Tinwen. We can't tell from your post how your relationship with Gina has been during this time of her NRE with her other partner, but it wouldn't be unusual for her to be giving your relationship short shrift in general. And although you can't force physical intimacy, for many couples having it is a major way to feel closer to one another. In my experience, intense NRE lasts somewhere between 6 months and 2 years, so it's unlikely that whatever is going on with her will take only 2 months to resolve.

I'd say it's worth having a big talk about what she wants from, and is willing to give to, your relationship in general. Is she still committed to you? If so, what is she willing to do to ensure that your relationship continues to be supported? So far it sounds like all the sacrifice has been on your side. This may be a good time to make plans to increase the amount of time you both commit to spending doing less sexual things that make you feel close to one another. You could also talk about love languages and ask her to try to do more of whatever makes you feel loved, so you feel reassured during this challenging time. If she's not willing to do that, it may be that this poly experiment is her way of easing out of your relationship without having to spend time alone with no partner on the horizon (which, unfortunately, seems to be pretty common).

As for the sex, you could tell her that you will respect her concerns by not initiating, but that she should feel free to initiate anytime (and that if she initiates next week, you won't then assume that means sex the next week, too -- she controls the timing for the entire two months). But then you will revisit, and if she still is not interested in sex with you, you may need to make significant changes to your relationship structure.
 
...last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being. She then hit me with a shocker: Gina asked me if it would be okay if she remains sexually exclusive to Bill for a short period (she suggested 2 months) to allow her to "bond" with Bill and let the NRE pass....Has anyone had a similar situation as this? If so, how did things work out?

Yes, I've had this experience (I was "Gina") but I didn't have the balls (or the idiocy) to ask my husband if we could put him on ice for two months while I devoted my hots to someone else. Looking back, it was clear that my sexual interest had moved from him to another person(s) and it was also a clear sign that my monogamous marriage was ending. We called it poly, but it was a soft transition out of a long term marriage. I definitely preferred the new partners and in fact was head over heels, but I would never have dreamed of asking my husband to step aside sexually. What you're describing is cuckoldry with arm twisting, which sounds dreadful. Agreeing to this "so that the NRE can pass" :confused: I can't even begin to understand the logic involved here.
 
Yes, I've had this experience (I was "Gina") but I didn't have the balls (or the idiocy) to ask my husband if we could put him on ice for two months while I devoted my hots to someone else. Looking back, it was clear that my sexual interest had moved from him to another person(s) and it was also a clear sign that my monogamous marriage was ending. We called it poly, but it was a soft transition out of a long term marriage. I definitely preferred the new partners and in fact was head over heels, but I would never have dreamed of asking my husband to step aside sexually. What you're describing is cuckoldry with arm twisting, which sounds dreadful. Agreeing to this "so that the NRE can pass" :confused: I can't even begin to understand the logic involved here.

I also had this thought - that this is really a way to segue out of the marriage. It's definitely true that no one should have sex with anyone they don't want to. But the willingness to put one sexual connection on hold for another does not seem like a good sign for the health and longevity of the marriage. I hope this is inaccurate, OP, for your sake. Is she offering intimacy with you in other ways?
 
Sometimes one comes to this forum, and gets one's worst fears reflected back, and I've got the impression some of it might be happening here. So I would like to re-iterate Galagirls advice that waiting it out for a few months is sound. IMHO Gina has also no idea what is happening with her and what future development will be. What I wanted to say was just that giving in fully to the feelings and steering consciously to preserve (some kind of) intimacy might do more harm than good.
 
Yes, I've had this experience (I was "Gina") but I didn't have the balls (or the idiocy) to ask my husband if we could put him on ice for two months while I devoted my hots to someone else. Looking back, it was clear that my sexual interest had moved from him to another person(s) and it was also a clear sign that my monogamous marriage was ending. We called it poly, but it was a soft transition out of a long term marriage. I definitely preferred the new partners and in fact was head over heels, but I would never have dreamed of asking my husband to step aside sexually. What you're describing is cuckoldry with arm twisting, which sounds dreadful. Agreeing to this "so that the NRE can pass" :confused: I can't even begin to understand the logic involved here.

I also had this thought - that this is really a way to segue out of the marriage. It's definitely true that no one should have sex with anyone they don't want to. But the willingness to put one sexual connection on hold for another does not seem like a good sign for the health and longevity of the marriage. I hope this is inaccurate, OP, for your sake. Is she offering intimacy with you in other ways?

I'm tending towards the ideas expressed above too, with some other ideas added. Gina may have been more frustrated with your lower libido than you understand, for a long time. Now that she's involved in NRE sex with Bill, her heart's desires have been fulfilled and she's extremely motivated to continue that. A woman can feel unattractive if her mate's libido doesn't match or exceed her own. Now she feels beautiful, and desired, and more sexual than ever. You represent her frustrations, Bill represents her fulfillment and having her long time itch satisfactorily scratched. It's understandable she chooses him now.

Another view: Gina may not be polysexual at all. She may be monosexual, and so she only desires one lover at a time. Right now it's Bill.

I am definitely polysexual (and polyamorous, but that isn't the issue here). If I have a second lover, no matter their gender, attractiveness, libido, NRE or more established relationship, I still desire my "primary" or "nesting" partner just as much as I ever do. People are not interchangeable, for me.

Beware that you probably represent stability, financial or emotional, to Gina, but are now undesirable to her sexually. Beware of feeling "used."

Keep lines of communication wide open. NRE makes people nuts, but mature poly people make sure to care for their longer term partner extremely carefully and sensitively when in NRE with another. NRE is no excuse to treat someone badly. If you like sex 1-4 times a month, and she's requesting you get none at all from her for 2 months, how will you begin to feel after a week or two of sex goes by, never mind 8 weeks?

Maybe you could compromise in some way. You could ask her to cuddle you while you masturbate, without touching her breasts, ass or genitalia. This could increase your enjoyment of your masturbation without her actually being forced to respond sexually to you.

In summation, I suggest you combine a "wait and see" attitude as GalaGirl suggests; with a degree of caution that Gina might be monosexual; with an awareness her hormones are making her kinda nuts right now; and with wide open communication; and perhaps a suggestion of compromise.

Reassess after the 2 months have gone by. See if she keeps to her assurance that all she needs is 2 months. If she reneges on the agreement, cross that bridge then.
 
What do you want? What do you desire?

If she doesn't want to have sex with you then find someone who will and enjoy it!
She's, your wife, asked and you are considering! Nice job.
In my experience.. What she's asking for is irrational!
To each there own.
What are you looking for out of this?
 
Having been in a similar situation to your wife's a while ago, I can say that I almost felt I was "cheating" on the NEW partner whenever I was intimate with my established partner during this phase. The same crazy NRE hormones which are responsible for a marked increase in sexual desire and often cause us to "fall" for the new person CAN simultaneously heighten interest in sex across the board and improve our sex life (and sometimes our relationship) with existing partner/s. However, in my experience, that is not always so.

Yes, I've had this experience (I was "Gina") but I didn't have the balls (or the idiocy) to ask my husband if we could put him on ice for two months while I devoted my hots to someone else. Looking back, it was clear that my sexual interest had moved from him to another person(s) and it was also a clear sign that my monogamous marriage was ending. We called it poly, but it was a soft transition out of a long term marriage. I definitely preferred the new partners and in fact was head over heels, but I would never have dreamed of asking my husband to step aside sexually. What you're describing is cuckoldry with arm twisting, which sounds dreadful. Agreeing to this "so that the NRE can pass" :confused: I can't even begin to understand the logic involved here.

Same. FallenAngelina/Karen has described in more detail how I felt, and what happened in my situation, pretty much exactly.

I also had this thought - that this is really a way to segue out of the marriage. It's definitely true that no one should have sex with anyone they don't want to. But the willingness to put one sexual connection on hold for another does not seem like a good sign for the health and longevity of the marriage. I hope this is inaccurate, OP, for your sake. Is she offering intimacy with you in other ways?

Sometimes one comes to this forum, and gets one's worst fears reflected back, and I've got the impression some of it might be happening here. So I would like to re-iterate Galagirls advice that waiting it out for a few months is sound. IMHO Gina has also no idea what is happening with her and what future development will be. What I wanted to say was just that giving in fully to the feelings and steering consciously to preserve (some kind of) intimacy might do more harm than good.

^ I'd definitely give some serious consideration to what opalescent and Tinwen have said, above.
 
Yes, I've had this experience (I was "Gina") but I didn't have the balls (or the idiocy) to ask my husband if we could put him on ice for two months while I devoted my hots to someone else. Looking back, it was clear that my sexual interest had moved from him to another person(s) and it was also a clear sign that my monogamous marriage was ending. We called it poly, but it was a soft transition out of a long term marriage. I definitely preferred the new partners and in fact was head over heels, but I would never have dreamed of asking my husband to step aside sexually. What you're describing is cuckoldry with arm twisting, which sounds dreadful. Agreeing to this "so that the NRE can pass" I can't even begin to understand the logic involved here.
__________________
~ Karen

I cannot believe that you are actually considering this. Everything I have read in any medium regarding male sexuality has stated that a mans primary need in any relationship style is SEX .
And now your wife is proposing that you be deprived totally of that and this is poly? And you're the husband whom she is supposed to love.

Now I may have missed something but I would not be surprised if this demand she is making is being instigated by this boyfriend, with your wife as the facilitator. Is he single? Wouldn't be surprised if he is actually attempting to undermine your marriage to have her for himself.

Regardless, as has been pointed out to you, whats your plan if in two months she comes to you and says its two more months???

The only thing missing here is a lock on your penis and it would then sound like true cuckoldry.

NRE is bull shit as a reason. That is one thing. Turning you into a beggar is sitting around for permission is another altogether.
 
Everything I have read in any medium regarding male sexuality has stated that a mans primary need in any relationship style is SEX.

Honestly, this is pretty gender-essentialist and unequivocally not true. Men, women, non-binary people... all have DIFFERENT relationship needs not based on their gender. SOME men have a primary need for sex in their relationships. So do some women. SOME women's primary need in a relationship is emotional. So is some men's.

Not just that, but you're literally contradicting the original poster's stated experience _of his own needs_, where he said that his were not as high as his wife's.

I think you need to do some more reading.
 
Hello radicaljd,

As far as I can tell, it is reasonable to give Gina the two months she is asking for. But I would be leery about it if at the end of that two months she wants two more months (or even longer still). What she is asking is not (to me) out of the question, but it is somewhat extreme. If it doesn't work, the way she thinks/hopes it will, she needs to change strategies.

I hope you can work something out with her.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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