Wife's Date

T

threesnocrowd

New member
Hello Everyone,

Our dream has finally come true (I have been trolling this site for a while and have even posted a few times). Tonite my wife is having her second alone date with a guy that she met at the beach. They have a lot of chemistry. They are going to meet in the next few minutes while I am out of town. I am excited and nervous for her (and myself).

I have so many mixed emotions. More than I expected.

I need advice on what to say, how to feel! AHHHH!! :)

-TNC
 
Yay! and great that you can be excited for her. I hope all goes well!

As for what to say - I think you said it here. Let her know how happy you are and supportive and glad that she found someone to be with.
 
Wife's date

Ok so its been a while again since my last post. The wife has now been with her now boyfriend (yeah!!!) for about 3 months. She stays over at his place pretty regularly and our relationship is better than ever! I was so nervous when this all started. I was afraid our relationship would suffer but we had talked so much about it and have been together for so long and have been so stable that we thought we could take the plunge and we have. After their first night together, I will admit I got a little jealous but when my wife told me how much fun they had and all the great things that they did it was just another thing to share with her and it has been wonderful. We are both happier and more in love than ever.

I really think that for us a MFM V-triad or whatever you call it is right for us. Her boyfriend is a really nice guy too and although we are not close yet, we are both very respectful of one another. I see him when he drops my wife home or when I drop her there and we have even had a drink once.

I think as time goes by things will get ever better and we might even take a trip together. Any advice on that from folks in a similar situtation. Should we prepare to get stares or weird looks if we go out together as a trio or thruple or whatever the term is??

Thanks to everyone on this site. You have all been so great and supportive. I wish I could give guys hugs and high fives!
 
Hi threesnocrowd,

I wouldn't worry too much about stares and weird looks. If you get any, you probably won't even notice them. If you don't act like your three-ness is a big deal, others will tend to not think it's a big deal.

Glad to hear things are going well for you so far! :)
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You have a V. A triad would be if you were romantically involved with the boyfriend as well.

Hope your happiness continues!
 
That's awesome, threesnocrowd :) On the strange stares when you go out as a three, that hasn't been my experience at all. I think most people just assume you're a group of friends out, or a couple and their friend. I've been out as a three with two of Blue's previous gfs (one who was also my gf, one who was just a metamour.) Even when Blue held both our hands, or put his arm around both of us in the dinner theater, or even for that matter when he kissed/hugged us both goodbye, there were very few, if any strange looks and I live in a conservative area. People just don't automatically assume you're all having sex. Nor do most of them care... they have their own lives which are much more important to them than yours :)
 
Very glad for all of you! I can understand how exciting it can be. We've been living together with our friend for two years already, and we're very happy in our MFM relationship. My wife and I, we consider our friend Michael to be her second husband (though he isn't legally of course). Michael is my best friend as well. We spend time together, travel together, have sex together. Not very long ago we decided to have a baby, and I suggested that me and Michael both worked on it. Since then my wife has always been unprotected during sex with us, and it's always very sensual and intense. She got pregnant soon and has already given birth to a beautiful baby. We all love it very much. Now she's pregnant again, and we're expecting our second child.
 
wife is dating - now what?

Thanks for the clarifications and helpful hints guys. Now one question. Now that my wife is settled into a (hopefully) long term relationship with her boyfriend, can anyone comment on how ladies feel about possibly dating a man who's wife is dating someone else? Is it weird for them? Are there women out there who would be interested in that? Would it be mostly married women, single women? I would not even be sure where to start or where to look. Suggestions?
 
Hi threesnocrowd,

If you're looking for a date, why not try a poly-friendly dating site:

Another option is joining a local poly group. Google "Boston polyamory" or "Massachusetts polyamory" and see what turns up.

FetLife can be used (it has a search box) to find poly groups and poly people. Facebook can be used to find poly groups too.

OKCupid might be the best place to start. On your OKC profile page, be sure to let people know you're polyamorous.

Hope that helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
People's mileage on this issue varies greatly. I've often heard it said on this board that straight poly men find it harder in general to date. I think the logic behind that is the generalisation that a man might be more comfortable dating a married woman, than a woman might be to date a married man. Some poly folk also seem to prefer dating mono or unpartnered people because they dislike having to deal with potential metamours - so it's not always a given that even a poly woman would be interested in a married man.

From my perspective (as a bi poly female), I have *only* dated partnered men. For me, I like things to be balanced. I am not looking for another live-in primary-type relationship, so it would suck to meet and fall in love with someone who had their heart set on settling down to something like that with me. I also believe that you can tell a lot about a guys dating potential from the quality of his other relationships. If I met a guy who seems unable to juggle the relationships he already has, or who seems to have a rocky connection, or in the most obvious case, seems to be treating his partner poorly in some way, then that's a big red flag to me. So…someone in your situation wouldn't put me off. And the best way to meet someone like me is to have a dating profile somewhere that explicitly mentions your wife, and that she has another boyfriend, and that you are pleased for her (if that's true). Lack of jealousy or drama, and the ability to be supportive of your partner's other relationships, is also a very attractive trait! And I feel it's important to be upfront about your status as a married man from the off - it's ok if that turns off the first 100 (or 1,000, or 10,000!) people that look at your profile, because you're not interested in dating those people anyway. Be patient, and the right one will come.
 
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threesnocrowd said:
I have so many mixed emotions. More than I expected.

I need advice on what to say, how to feel! AHHHH!! :)

-TNC
Click to expand...
Dear TNC,
I'm quoting from your first post, even though you've progressed so far since then. May I congratulate you for the great way that you're dealing with all this?

Although I haven't been active on here for some time, I still consider myself the Site Pedant, so let me correct a detail in your first post: "I have been trolling this site for a while". You NEVER trolled this site. Trolling is writing nasty comments:mad:, trolling a site is writing nasty comments that are viciously opposed to the whole feeling/philosophy of the site. You were trawling the site:rolleyes:.

Now let me introduce you to 2 [British] polyamorous terms:
FRUBBLE: A pleasant emotion of happiness arising from seeing one’s partner with another partner.
WIBBLE: A feeling of insecurity, typically temporary or fleeting, when seeing a partner being affectionate with someone else.
It's very possible to feel wibbly and frubbly at the same time. Since you wrote "I have so many mixed emotions", I wonder if wibble was one of them. Nothing to be ashamed of, and it's best to talk about it honestly, along the lines of "I DO want you to do this, but there's this little bit of..."
Her boyfriend is a really nice guy too and although we are not close yet, we are both very respectful of one another. I see him when he drops my wife home or when I drop her there and we have even had a drink once.

I think as time goes by things will get ever better and we might even take a trip together. Any advice on that from folks in a similar situation. Should we prepare to get stares or weird looks if we go out together as a trio or thruple or whatever the term is??
Click to expand...
Prepare to get stares or weird looks, prepare to get jealous looks, as well... or just decide that it's really nobody's business but yours, and if other people have problems with that, well, other people have problems.

You've already started on a trip together of a much more important kind than a physical, limited-time, geographically-defined one. So go for the latter as well... and have a great time together!

You are REALLY lucky that you two men respect each other and get along well. I think that you should get to know each other as much as [comfortably] possible. Knowing just who he IS is going to help your communication with your wife. Caring for him as a person is going to help things all around.

Others have given you good advice about finding another woman who can deal with your situation and fit right in. But - at the risk of sounding like a downer (which I'm NOT!!!) - I think it's only fair that you should consider a POSSIBILITY. And I'm afraid that it happens more often than one might think.

A+B have a long-term mono relationship, decide to go poly.
A starts a relationship with C and it goes well.
B has mixed feelings but deals with them fantastically and becomes friends with C.
A+B+C have a few problems to smooth out, but it IS working and all 3 are happy that it's working.
B starts a relationship with D.
And all Hell breaks loose. A discovers that (s)he isn't as polyamorous as (s)he'd thought. A gets wildly jealous and either
a) demands that A+B return to monogamy:eek:, is willing to give up C as long as B breaks up with D;
b) breaks up with A:(;
c) [worst case scenario] demands that B NOT have a relationship with D, but reserves the right to continue with C:mad:.

However remote this possibility might seem to you (after all, your wife is a wonderful, loving, open, fair person), I think that you should talk about this REMOTE possibility before you take the plunge. After all, you talked about her other relationship for a long time before SHE made the first step, didn't you?

A big, warm hug (and a high five),
MFFR
 
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how cow! there are terms for that???

First off, thank you Kevin for the hints. I don't know about those websites. I am way too shy to put myself out there like that! Also I would be mortified if someone I knew found out that we are poly. People are accepting but not THAT accepting in my experience. Maybe one day our lifestyle won't raise any eyebrows but for now there is a lot of judgement out there.

And thank you TenK for your observations. I think you are probably right. I think its probably harder for a woman to understand why a married man is happy with his wife dating another man. I find the few woman with whom I've discussed poly get freaked out by it. A woman who actually finds it acceptable, much less ATTRACTIVE is very rare and thoughtful gem. So hats off to all of you wonderful ladies out there who are so understanding. I think people in this lifestyle probably fall outside many bell curves. To me that is a good thing but by definition hard to find.

And to you MFFR - you cracked me up! I had no idea there were such adorable words for my feelings. I am certainly a frubbler and a bit of a wibbler too I must admit. If those words are not in the urban dictionary, they must be added poste haste! And thank you for the advice. I certainly take to heart a lot of what people say on here. It is, I have no doubt, wisdom gained by hard personal experience.

Now final question to all of you wonderful people. My wife is going to be with her boyfriend all weekend and I am going to NYC. Can you guys recommend any places where I can go to meet someone who might be interesting or interested in someone like me? Picture a relatively handsome guy in a suit sitting in bar - which bar is he sitting in to meet someone nice?? Suggestions?
 
threesnocrowd said:
My wife is going to be with her boyfriend all weekend and I am going to NYC. Can you guys recommend any places where I can go to meet someone who might be interesting or interested in someone like me? Picture a relatively handsome guy in a suit sitting in bar - which bar is he sitting in to meet someone nice?? Suggestions?
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Poly Cocktails NYC meets once a month at the Delancy. Not this weekend, but when they meet, that is where they are.

Here's the Poly Boston calandar of events. I saw quite a few promising links by googling "poly boston."
 
Re (from threesnocrowd):
"Now final question to all of you wonderful people. My wife is going to be with her boyfriend all weekend and I am going to NYC. Can you guys recommend any places where I can go to meet someone who might be interesting or interested in someone like me? Picture a relatively handsome guy in a suit sitting in bar -- which bar is he sitting in to meet someone nice? Suggestions?"
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I've never been to New York City.

But there's this:
"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
Click to expand...

FWIW.
 
threesnocrowd said:
I think its probably harder for a woman to understand why a married man is happy with his wife dating another man. I find the few woman with whom I've discussed poly get freaked out by it. A woman who actually finds it acceptable, much less ATTRACTIVE is very rare and thoughtful gem. So hats off to all of you wonderful ladies out there who are so understanding. I think people in this lifestyle probably fall outside many bell curves. To me that is a good thing but by definition hard to find.
Click to expand...

I don't actually think this is the reason that married men tend to struggle actually. It's not about women not being able to understand why YOU might be happy with your wife dating others (or reading the subtext of what you are saying here, somehow thinking you are less-manly for 'allowing' it - I hope I'm wrong about that). It's more that many women want to get married themselves, and might therefore conclude that you, as an already married man, can't offer them much by way of long-term options.

Society tells women that it's not okay to want sex, that it's not okay to have multiple partners, that eventually they will meet their one-and-only and settle down and marry and have kids. Of course, society tells men the same on the last point, but it also tells them that as a man you should want sex all the time, and that having multiple partners is enviable. Those are the notions that you will be challenging when you bring this up. That is why the few women you've spoken to about this have 'freaked out'. Even if, deep down, they thought 'hey, that sounds like a cool idea - I wish MY husband would let me date others', they would struggle to actually say it out loud for fear of how others would see THEM. And that my friend, sucks.

In short, I would forget going to NYC and trying to meet a single girl at a bar. You are not a single man. You need to be honest about that, and to realise that it's going to be a turn off to 95% of women you meet. If you are too ashamed of your poly relationship to even put your face on a dating profile, then I'm not sure you are ready for another relationship anyway. Because even the women that get it, even the women that are poly and would want to date you, they're not going to want to be your closeted little secret.
 
threesnocrowd said:
I am going to NYC. Can you guys recommend any places where I can go to meet someone who might be interesting or interested in someone like me? Picture a relatively handsome guy in a suit sitting in bar - which bar is he sitting in to meet someone nice?? Suggestions?
Click to expand...
Another set of definitions coming at you: Polyamory is NOT "allowing - even encouraging - your partner to fuck with somebody else". That's "swinging". If you're looking for a bit of sex with a stranger in NYC while your wife is with her boyfriend (and she's OK with that), that's what you're doing. (If she's not OK with it, it's called "cheating".)

Polyamory implies "allowing - perhaps encouraging - your partner to form a meaningful emotional relationship with somebody else". Unless you're opening yourself to a relationship with this hypothetical woman in a bar in NYC, I wouldn't call it polyamory.

[There are even some - admittedly rare - polyamorous constellations where sex doesn't play a part... but love does.]

If you ARE interested in an emotional relationship, I personally think that it would be less complicated for you to look for someone in Boston.
 
Good point MFFR.

Not that ONS's aren't fine. Just that polyamory involves much more beyond that.
 
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