Women’s misunderstandings of Poly , How to inform them ?

I have recently had some very nice respectful conversation with single women. I’m transparent from the start of conversation. Honesty and full disclosure but I keep running into this typical response to me being Poly … “oh you just want to have sex with as many women as possible” or “I’m not looking for a Fu** buddy”

I just don’t know if I’m running out of answers or just don’t know what the right answer is to give when I’m given questions and statements like that . I understand as a single male it’s a uphill climb but I’m tired of feeling like I have to “convince them” their vision of a Poly male is incorrect or at least for me it is.

is their a short canned answer to give that might clarify it for them without boring them to death? I suppose I could just direct them to this site if they have the interest in researching it for themselves

I sometimes feel like a failing car sales person trying to give all the perks why she would continue to be interested, like I constantly have to give a pitch on a late night infomercial

Dating is difficult enough as a single male ; this is just downright exhausting. How have you other men dealt with this and Women have you been in the same position trying to “convince a man” ?
Thank you again always . I love this group of people
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
"...actually, I'm demisexual and needing a real loving connection to be able to enjoy sex."

If that's true, of course.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I sometimes feel like a failing car sales person trying to give all the perks why she would continue to be interested, like I constantly have to give a pitch on a late night infomercial
Dating, like sales, is all about zeroing in on your target market. A successful car salesman doesn't try to convince every person in the world that his car is desirable, he knows his target market and talks specifically to that person, tailoring his pitch according to what he knows that target customer already wants. Likewise in dating, it's exhausting and inefficient to go after every person who strikes our fancy. Much more efficient is to zero in on people who share the core values that we hold as well. Dating apps are all set up to do this for us, so there's no need to get into infomercial territory about basic values. Weed out the women who don't match up with non-monogamy and go from there.

If non-monogamy is a must-have for you and you live in an area where "nobody" is into non-monogamy, then you have the choices of widening your circle of travel or move. These women do exist.


* When I was on Fetlife, it was awash in non-mono and poly leaning people. I found it to be a great place to talk with interesting people in general.
 
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Carmina

Member
"...actually, I'm demisexual and needing a real loving connection to be able to enjoy sex."

If that's true, of course.
I think maybe that would be true for me actually - I've never had 'one-night stands' or any relationships primarily based on sex
 

Marcus

Well-known member
"I approach relationships pretty much the same as everyone else, I just don't limit myself to only one" or something like that might be helpful.

That wouldn't be true for me so I wouldn't say it, but if you're basically hoping for traditional relationships minus the "one only" cap, then try to be clear about that.

Dating, like sales, is all about zeroing in on your target market.

For me, the response of "you just want to bone people" tells me I am definitely talking to the wrong audience. That sort of thing is a clear indication that I need to immediately move on and save my energy for people who at least have the capability of understanding my point of view.
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
It sounds like you are trying to date mono women… Following the car salesman analogy, you are trying to sell a corvette to a family of ten…

There may be some adventurous souls out there who are curious about what it is like to own a corvette even though they know it is completely wrong for them. First you should decide if that sounds like an appealing situation. In my view, it sounds like the making of a brief love affair.

So, if you have decided you want to pursue mono women, we must figure out how you sell a corvette to a family of 10. Obviously, this type of purchase would be completely emotional. If I were experimenting with this idea, I would crank the charm and flirtatiousness up to 11, to the point where the ridiculous nature of the conversation is entertaining; like a movie that is so bad that it becomes engaging. I would not lie about Poly, but I would avoid *logical conversations about polyamory completely, logic has no place in this transaction…

------------------------
Hypotheticals aside, do you see the problem?

Let’s take a step back and look at the big picture. In the eyes of a woman on a dating app, you are nothing more than a picture and some words on a screen. Why would anyone give an online profile the kind of influential weight necessary to change their worldview? Particularly in the era of which we live, when we are all bombarded with so many ideas on the internet it forces us to become even more rigid in our own beliefs. When you combine all these variables together, (mono woman) * (poly man) * (online dating) = Very low probability of success… Why do this to yourself?

You could do yourself a favor by ditching the online dating apps and build platonic relationships with people. That would change the dynamic considerably because if someone has accepted you as a friend, your words have far more influence on that person. (mono woman) * (poly man); now we are down to two variables, so we have increased our chance of success by an entire order of magnitude.

Better yet, talk to poly women exclusively: (poly woman) * (poly man) = reasonable chance of success. We have improved our odds by two orders of magnitude.

Or, you decide to try monogamy: Afterall, is that such an unreasonable request? Is that not of the same order as you requesting a mono woman to try poly? Perhaps you just need to “be informed” about the merits of monogamy? If you think about this for a moment you might better empathize with women whom you are targeting.

My honest answer to your question is that it is not worth your time and efforts to “inform them” (strangers on the internet) about their misconceptions regarding poly. You are not Morpheus and its not your job to save these women from the mono program.
 
Thank you for all your help. This is just my opinion for what it’s worth but I guess I’m surprised even when it seems more couples are going to Open / Non monogamous relationships that how misinformed people are when it comes to Poly relationships. I’m sure their are a lot of men that use the Poly umbrella to have sex with multiple women care free and easy sleep that might turn a lot of women off to the idea of a Poly relationship

I don’t know why I’m feeling some self obligation to try and explain or correct what their ideal of it is even if I’m incorrect about it myself to a woman that thinks it would be “fun” or to spice up their romantic / sex life only for them to come to their senses about how bad of a idea or would be for them since they don’t like to share … sigh
 

Carmina

Member
I’m sure their are a lot of men that use the Poly umbrella to have sex with multiple women care free and easy sleep that might turn a lot of women off to the idea of a Poly relationship
Unfortunately that is the case - some men just use it as an excuse to be players and are not remotely ethical or interested in the 'amory' part of Poly - we had a difficult time with such an individual when first exploring poly that was a bad experience for my partner and myself and made us step away from Poly altogether until recently.
 
Unfortunately that is the case - some men just use it as an excuse to be players and are not remotely ethical or interested in the 'amory' part of Poly - we had a difficult time with such an individual when first exploring poly that was a bad experience for my partner and myself and made us step away from Poly altogether until recently.
I’ve heard plenty of stories from Poly couples of how the husband / boyfriend went out and cheated with multiple women just for their argument to be “well we are Poly right” . Or as mentioned before a lot od insecure men’s view of Poly is a Bi hot female that wants to be with them both , “No Men” I’m not out to pick on single men or in relationships, their are plenty of women that have stepped out on relationships and broke the rules but the fact of the matter is women are given a lot more “leash” when it comes to the lifestyle . I don’t mean this to sound spiteful and apologize if in text it comes actual way but Women will always have the upper hand , followed by couples and for some people single men that are a unnecessary evil
 
Why do you pay attention to horror stories and tales of woe? Ignore that noise. Find the women who share your values and date them.
Good point but those horror stories are the same reasons a lot of them don’t trust males in any capacity. Obviously looking for love in all the wrong places and maybe a little blowing off steam …. No one said this lifestyle was perfect or fair
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Good point but those horror stories are the same reasons a lot of them don’t trust males in any capacity.

Someone being fundamentally distrustful of an entire gender is also a great sign that I should not spend any further energy getting to know them. I don't have the energy or interest in training someone out of their bigotry... not that they'd have any of that anyway.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Someone being fundamentally distrustful of an entire gender is also a great sign that I should not spend any further energy getting to know them. I don't have the energy or interest in training someone out of their bigotry... not that they'd have any of that anyway


Bingo!
 

couple6458

New member
Thank you for all your help. This is just my opinion for what it’s worth but I guess I’m surprised even when it seems more couples are going to Open / Non monogamous relationships that how misinformed people are when it comes to Poly relationships. I’m sure their are a lot of men that use the Poly umbrella to have sex with multiple women care free and easy sleep that might turn a lot of women off to the idea of a Poly relationship

I don’t know why I’m feeling some self obligation to try and explain or correct what their ideal of it is even if I’m incorrect about it myself to a woman that thinks it would be “fun” or to spice up their romantic / sex life only for them to come to their senses about how bad of a idea or would be for them since they don’t like to share … sigh
I am new to this and my partner told me shortly after we met he was poly. I reacted I do not share like who you have met. Then he said but you can have partners too. Really got me thinking. At first I was against all of the poly, open relationships, etc. Then he told me I have never cheated I have always been open with my partners. Made me think I cheated in both marriages. Like someone said it is not just about sex. It is about love and connections.
 

Alluvion

Member
I’m sorry this keeps happening to you.

If it’s okay to ask, where are you meeting these potential partners?

One thing you could try is briefly describing what polyamory means to you either in your profile or very early on after you meet if you’re meeting these people in person.

There are many men (and people in general) out there who use polyamory as an umbrella term for nonmonogamy and may not actually be interested in falling in love at all. Not that there’s anything wrong with only looking for a hookup! But it is not the same thing as seeking out a romantic relationship, and I have personally had disappointing experiences with people who are oddly evasive about these things even when asked directly.

These days my interest is immediately piqued when I read or hear someone specifically say they’re hoping to find a romantic partner. It’s also fine if they’re open to many different possibilities so long as they communicate clearly about what they’re are/aren’t looking for, how they define these terms, etc.
 
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