Worst dating experience I’ve ever had

Peachtea777

New member
I need to vent for the worst dating experience I’ve ever had.

Sorry for the long post!!

My ex (33M) just broke up with me (22F) after I visited him in the US. He didn’t break up with me while I stayed with him but he broke up with me after I came back to my country on the phone. We were in a long distance relationship for 1 year, and he doesn’t wanna do online date nights or text frequently anymore because he feels forced.

I met him in Australia 2 years ago. I usually went to his place once or twice a week. We didn’t really discuss about relationship but I really liked him. And he said “ do you like being my girl?” by voice chat. So I thought I was dating with him at the time. But he had been seeing some girls as well which he had never mentioned.

When he left Australia, he asked me that if I wanna continue this relationship. I said yes, and I asked him “are you my boyfriend?” And he said yes. So we started dating officially?? Also, he wrote a letter that said
“I’ve never liked anyone as much as I like you”. Even though, he married twice.( he had divorced already tho)

After he went back to the US, he started to hike on the Appalachien trail. And he started ignoring my texts and stopped contacting with me. We talked about me visiting him and hiking together before he started hiking, but he said it’s not a good idea because hiking is too tough. Then he suggested me to see other people and he told me that he is now seeing the girl on the trail. When he mentioned about her, he described her as “just a hiking things”.
After that, He said he wanted to try poly relationship. This is the first time I heard about polyamory from him. But later, he told me he was solo poly in Australia which I didn’t know.

I still really liked him. So I decided to try poly relationship. But I was struggling with jealousy and insecurity probably because I didn’t see him for a year and he and the girl from the trail live in the same city.
But anyway, finally, I would be able to visit him in the US and stay for few weeks.

I really enjoyed spending time with him. We went to a lot of places and had wonderful dinner. But when we went out, he used his phone a lot and I wasn’t really sure if he is enjoying or not. And one time I saw him texting his other partner when we went on the date. I felt like he cannot stop thinking of other partner even we went on the date. Also, once he told me that he doesn’t use his phone when he is with someone. But when he is with me, he uses his phone a lot?? I wasn’t sure that if I am his important person or not, then I felt insecure about it.

I wasn’t so mature and I cried a lot because of my insecurities. I should’ve told him that how I felt more. But it’s too late.

I wanted to continue this relationship even we are in LDR. So I asked him that what’s gonna be like before I left. But he just said “ it’s going to be less cuddling and we could talk about it later when you get back home.”

It was a painful flight and I messaged him on the plane. I asked him that I wanna know when I can see you again. Then he said he hasn’t known yet, but probably in Europe or my country.

After I got back home, we talked on the phone. He asked me about my plan first. I told him that not seeing him for a year was too tough. I wanna see you at least twice a year. Then he started talking about his thoughts.

What he was saying is,

1, he doesn’t wanna online date nights or frequent text, because he feels forced.

2, he has been expected me to be his vacation friend. ( not frequently talking each other but traveling together sometime)

3, when we stayed together, I was so insecure and it was annoying. He lost interests in me.

4, staying in other countries for few weeks cost us a lot. And he cannot do that.

5,if I could move to the US, he would like to see me again.

Then he just broke up with me after I got back home. I paid for airplane, visa, COVID test(it’s so expensive actually), taxi (from airport to his place, and his place to airport),
some souvenirs for him.
Also, Even though he is 11 years older than me, he is broke. So I tried not to be burden financially. I got some lunch, dinner, drinks.

I thought I did almost everything I could do for him. But I felt like I lost a lot of things, money, time, great memories…

And I wish he broke up with me before I left in the US, then I didn’t have to drag this feeling into my country.

Now, I hate him so much. The more I hate him, the more I will become the person I don’t wanna be. I just wanna know how to forget those memories and just move on.

Thank you for reading those long story.
I think I just wanted to share my sad feelings…

P.S. he promised me that he won’t break up with my after this visit. I don’t know why this guy could easily promise what he couldn’t. But I should be glad not to be dragged by this guy anymore.
 
Hi Peach ☺️

I think it’s fair to put this guy on the ‘not a keeper’ pile. Of course, I wasn’t there to see how things were between you two, but it sounds like he isn’t worth any more grief from you.

Firstly, please don’t think this type of behaviour represents polyamory. Every group has a loud and proud asshat out there ruining the name of the thing they claim to be a part of.

Secondly, figuratively fuck that guy. I know your hurt is real. You showed up to the possibility of love in a very big way, only to be treated terribly by someone you believed in - but he’s just. not. worth. it.

A lot of people (men and women) get hung up on people who mistreat them thinking that ‘improving’ the situation will somehow prove something about their worth. But you don’t need vindication/ retribution with this person. Their damage is their problem and your priority is you.

You don’t need to feel bad for having insecurities while you were there. You’re a feeling human being who went through a very hurtful situation.

If you come across another guy who claims to be polyamorous, have a good talk with him to see what that means exactly to him. They’ll be those out there who have a clear idea of what it means for them and any prospective partner, but they’ll also potentially be those who just use the term as an excuse to sleep around. There’s a lot of good reading materials out there that talk to how to practice polyamory ethically, if you’re interested.

You deserve better.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm very sorry this happened. :(

Now, I hate him so much. The more I hate him, the more I will become the person I don’t wanna be. I just wanna know how to forget those memories and just move on.

FWIW? You JUST broke up, so things are raw and fresh. It's ok to hate him right now. You are a hurting person. Anger is one of the stages of grief. You are going to hit them all and not necessarily in order. But in time, it will pass. You won't be this angry grieving person forever.

Is this also your first adult break up ever?

I could be wrong in my impression. But here's how it sounds to me, an internet stranger.

He was 31, hitting on a young adult woman while on vacation in Australia who was closer to teenager than not, and maybe not super experienced.You were 20, attracted to what he appeared to be -- older, attractive, with money, promises of travel, etc. He managed to keep you on the string over LDR.

After a while you discovered what? He love bombed you and then cooled off. He's been not telling you things / being less than up front / seeing other people without you knowing (cheating) / using poly as a whitewash for that / then has no money / and whatever else.

The NRE had worn off. You were seeing him in true colors on this US vacation. And of course it upset you. And no, that's not you being insecure. That's you being UPSET.

Because if he was cooling off? He could have done the decent thing and ended it and told you not to come out and save your money. Rather than have you come out and enjoy vacation on your dime and then dump you.

All this? Makes me wonder. Blue is mine.

1, he doesn’t wanna online date nights or frequent text, because he feels forced. (Why? Cuz Hiking lady would find out he's already got you on the string? Much like you learned he was seeing other women without you knowing... is he lying to her? )

2, he has been expected me to be his vacation friend. ( not frequently talking each other but traveling together sometime) (Is that a fancy name for "Come be my vacation cheating affair partner" or something?)

3, when we stayed together, I was so insecure and it was annoying. He lost interests in me. (You notice hinky behavior, and and when you want to know what's going on he flips it around on you like you are insecure to take the spotlight off his behaviors?)

4, staying in other countries for few weeks cost us a lot. And he cannot do that. (So he's setting the stage for you to foot the bills for all future trysts?)

5,if I could move to the US, he would like to see me again. (For what? More awful visits? More hinky? )

Then he just broke up with me after I got back home. ( Did hiking lady catch him out? Because again... if he was heading in that direction he could have done the decent thing and told you he wants to break up and to save your money and not come out.

Some of those things you may never learn the actual answer to but it doesn't change the bottom line. This guy turned out to be a dud.

Not a great experience to have. But it can help you avoid anything like this again in future. Not everyone you date will be compatible or a long haul runner, but perhaps the experiences helped you learn how to avoid the worst ones.

My suggestions? USE the anger. Delete all his contact stuff, and block him from trying to contact you again. Donate whatever he gave you or you planned to gift him. Stay broken up, even if he tries to get back together.

Learn from the experience. Spend some time healing. When you are ready to date again? Go ahead and date.

But I should be glad not to be dragged by this guy anymore.

And yes. Having learned from the experience? You aren't going to let yourself be dragged by ANYONE any more. Good for you!

I hope you feel better over time.

GL!
Galagirl
 

Peachtea777

New member
Thank you for your comments and advice!!!!
I really appreciate it.
I think I was blind and in a unhealthy relationship which I didn’t realize. I tried to give him almost everything I can do for him, but I just realized I didn’t get anything from him.
I am mortified that he is happy with his partners even tho I am struggling with those feelings.
I hope I will be happy again soon!!!
Again I really appreciate your comments and advice. It helps me a lot!!!! Thank you very much!
 

Peachtea777

New member
Hi Peach ☺️

I think it’s fair to put this guy on the ‘not a keeper’ pile. Of course, I wasn’t there to see how things were between you two, but it sounds like he isn’t worth any more grief from you.

Firstly, please don’t think this type of behaviour represents polyamory. Every group has a loud and proud asshat out there ruining the name of the thing they claim to be a part of.

Secondly, figuratively fuck that guy. I know your hurt is real. You showed up to the possibility of love in a very big way, only to be treated terribly by someone you believed in - but he’s just. not. worth. it.

A lot of people (men and women) get hung up on people who mistreat them thinking that ‘improving’ the situation will somehow prove something about their worth. But you don’t need vindication/ retribution with this person. Their damage is their problem and your priority is you.

You don’t need to feel bad for having insecurities while you were there. You’re a feeling human being who went through a very hurtful situation.

If you come across another guy who claims to be polyamorous, have a good talk with him to see what that means exactly to him. They’ll be those out there who have a clear idea of what it means for them and any prospective partner, but they’ll also potentially be those who just use the term as an excuse to sleep around. There’s a lot of good reading materials out there that talk to how to practice polyamory ethically, if you’re interested.

You deserve better.
Hey!! Thank you so much for your comfort and comments!! Yeah… I was too blind and I just gave him what he wanted without good communication. Next time, If I try polyamory, I will definitely have a good conversation. But from this experience, I could know about polyamory and I am interested in it!!!
 
You’re very welcome, Peach - I just hope you’re ok.

I started with ‘Ethical Slut’, which was a great introduction to the concept of non heteronormative relationship structures for me. Maybe start there 🙂
 
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