Dear All,
I am Raspberry Surprise's Husband. She asked that I enter the discussion. I had hoped not to interfere in the discussion. My interference is not always a good idea unless you are interested in rational efficiency. I hope people will not take exception to my only talking on my own behalf, rather than the more objective talking for both of us that is usual for me.
Marriage with RS is a bit like trying to combine a Pixar movie with Hellraiser. Sometimes it has proved impossible to balance the competing differences. In SM terms, I am a Sadist. In relationship terms, I am very unhappy and have been so for most of the relationship. I have no intention of rehashing all the many problems or past difficulties we have in our relationship. I expect anyone who has been in a relationship for longer than a year would have a similar list. Our problem has been the lack of intimacy and commitment to our relationship, which has led to my losing trust and belief in RS. I have tried to talk to RS about these issues, but it has proved very difficult to get her attention.
Our relationship was always intended as a permanent one. We had to wait 5-6 years before we could move in together and a further two years before we could get married. My condition of marching down the aisle was that we sort out our relationship problems beforehand. RS didn't help so I marched down the aisle anyway in the hope that we could work things out afterwards. This wasn't attempted so we went for 6 years of relationship therapy with a very good therapist. This didn't work so we have been in limbo for about 2.5 years. I have had previous relationships and know this should be a good one but I am not being met half-way for this entire time. I ran out of ideas and hope long ago.
Our therapist suggested my seeing an alternative partner in our third session together. RS used to say that only the fantasy of my sleeping with someone else interested her intensely. However, my first discussions about including someone else were completely independent of these earlier suggestions. RS resisted the idea but I couldn't let it go because I know what an intimate relationship is like and I miss it terribly. I would have preferred a monogamous relationship, but that is not possible. I still want to maintain a relationship with my wife who I love. Therefore, I need an answer that meets these conditions.
Even if I hadn't already learned a little about Polyamory, my common sense would still have told me that we need to fix our marriage before meeting someone else. It is what I have tried for many years. I am hoping that Poly will galvanise some action and permanently break the stalemate. The penalty for not doing so is Divorce as I am no longer willing to accept the status quo. It has become worse than death. In answer to someone's question, we do not have any children because of the lack of intimacy. Before anyone flames me off the wall, I fully realise that this situation is less than ideal. I have told RS that even though I think Poly is an absolute necessity for us, it would be unfair to destroy someone else's hopes and dreams with our problems. We still need to sort them out before we move into unknown territory.
Jade wanted to know which of three categories I was interested in. I am not interested in playing in online scenes (too many LOL's), no strings attached encounters or a friend with benefits. I want stability and a long-term commitment from someone that means something to me. This means the Poly relationship. I want RS to be friends with that person because I am not willing to sneak about in the background, leading a hidden life that can never be spoken of. I will not allow myself to be vulnerable to blame or be kept under control because of someone else's embarrassment or distaste. Another very important reason is that if I accept less than the ideal, then RS will withdraw from any kind of responsibility for the situation or maintaining our marriage. A strong friendship between RS and the other person would prevent the time constraints between partners damaging the relationship,
I don't believe I am "Domming" RS by wanting her to be friends with this potential other person. I bully people for a specific purpose, for my good and theirs. I am not trying to make her do something she really does not want to do. At best, I am just using what I am to best effect. I want RS to confront the situation and not retreat from it or pretend it doesn't exist.
I would regret that anyone take offence at the following comments, but in answer to some points raised by Magdlyn, for years, whenever I close my eyes, I can feel the slap of my hand against a woman's face. I can see the look of surprise, shock and hurt that spreads across their face. It makes me feel happy and good and I want to do it some more. This is a big step-up from many years ago. I was so stressed with problems and responsibilities that if ever I shut my eyes with tiredness, I would feel a sudden lurch of falling into nowhere from a great height and would immediately snap-back to attention with a start. Unfortunately, not relieving my feelings has leaked into everyday life over the years, sometimes positively, sometimes not. Please rest assured that I am not violent or dangerous, but I have different needs from the majority of people and one of them is for someone who would look forward to receiving what I have to offer. I fully accept that some people might feel that I am abhorrent for doing something that I feel is quite ordinary, so hopefully we can all accept that as read and move to the more important matter at hand.
If I have a hope for Poly, it is that I can have a happy relationship with my wife. I still want to share with her, especially the SM that is important to me, but I hope that some of the pressure will be removed from the problem. I hope that this will change the nature of the problem from the impossible to the well-travelled. One good thing that I hope for is to not feel so bitter about the many lost years. I have almost died on a number of occasions. One change that comes from that is realising that wasting even one day of our short lives is an epic tragedy. So far I have been kept in a position of wasting almost two decades. I want that to be a moment where the slate is wiped clean and the relationship begins again. I can't be more precise about how I see a Poly relationship developing because that third person is not yet present to make her needs known. Importantly, my wife has also not made her needs within a possible Poly relationship known. I therefore feel quite paralysed from doing anything more.
When I got married, I accepted "in sickness and in health". Sometimes, RS's health-concerns have overtaken the relationship to the exclusion of all else. Sometimes I have required respite, but it has felt like it is only me who has the responsibility. It would be nice to share the load a little, which sounds a bit weak. Michellezed raised the issue of inexperience. I once had previous relationships where I was sadistic or dominant. I just didn't have the names or terms to describe it at the time. It was just fun and made me want more. However, putting aside out own attempts, I am 17 years out of date. I know that planning is very different from execution, but I really want to catch-up with new opportunities. Not trying to be creepy, but I have had a lot of time to think and I have had a lot of interesting ideas over the years.
There is probably a lot more I could and should say, but I am quite tired and it is very late (2am GMT). I have no idea if any of what I have written makes any sense and I expect I have missed something that was important. I expect some might take pot shots at an inconsistency, or take offence at what I have written, but I hope others might realise that I mean what I say and am looking for a solution to a very difficult problem.
Thanks for listening,
Baron.
