"You just want your cake and eat it too?"


Well-known member
So, everything in our/my culture is telling me that it is wrong to ask for what I want.

Are you saying that you are also experiencing a crisis of faith?

It's possible. Sometimes that is a part of maturing/getting older.

We begin with what our families/society teach us. Eventually there comes a time where we accept what's going on from the external authority. "I do this because my parents says so... I do this because church says so... I do this because the laws say so...."

Eventually there comes a time where YOU become the internal authority. "I do this because I say so." You have actually reflected on the values given to you by your family/society and made an evaluation of them. You don't accept them on "automatic" any more. You have to think it out and accept the ones you do because YOU decide they are good values to keep. Not just because someone else says so.

You have kept the ones that still apply, discarded the ones that no longer apply, and possibly added a few new ones to help you navigate your current life.

That doesn't mean you have to give up your religion or culture. It may mean you have to come to it with different understanding... like what parts are great about it and still fit with your current life and what parts are limited, and what parts just simply no longer apply.

If it is you who is calling yourself "sleazeball"? Beating up on your own self being your own bully isn't going to help you heal. There's taking responsibility for what you did wrong and feeling remorseful about it. And then there's going overboard with it and being your own bully constantly kicking your own self down. Compassion and forgiveness could include your own self too.

If leaning on 10 commandments isn't helpful right now because you end up beating your own self up... how about leaning on Catholic virtues? Maybe focussing on things like temperance, hope, kindness, faith, courage, knowledge, fortitude, etc could be more helpful to you as you navigate all this.

If you are struggling in cheating recovery, and struggling in realizing you may be poly, and struggling in your marriage, and at the same time, struggling with your faith? I could imagine you feeling a bit lost and/or overwhelmed.

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Well-known member
So, everything in our/my culture is telling me that it is wrong to ask for what I want.

Many of us come from this, in one way or another. We're here to tell you that it's possible to not only ask for but have what you want in a joyful way. Live YOUR life.
There's no reason not to.


Staff member
Good questions GagaGirl,
We come from conservative families. Both of our parents have long "successful" marriages. We are catholic. I realized this week that 2 of the 10 Commandments forbid what I did. (oh wait, maybe I said "Oh god" during sex, make that 3 broken commandments... lol)

So, everything in our/my culture is telling me that it is wrong to ask for what I want.

I'm glad you can laugh about it a little.

All sects and major religions change and adapt somewhat to reflect changing times, scientific discoveries, and so on. Ancient religions are full of racism (xenophobia), sexism, the idea that the earth is flat and the sun revolves around it somehow. Strictly following the Bible would mean you agree the earth is 6000 years old, that an anthropomorphic god made a man from dirt and made a woman to be his helpmeet from his rib, that dinosaurs never existed, that every animal on earth could come to the middle east in pairs and fit on an ark, that a virgin could literally give birth, etc.

Now, you might say, OK, I can agree those are myths from an earlier time. But surely the 10 Commandments never change?

The 10 Commandments are a small fraction of the 600+ "blessings" (mitzvah) that Yahweh (translated "the LORD") supposedly handed down to Moses from the top of an erupting volcano in around 1200 BC. The reality is, those "blessings" were laws laid down by the nobility of the Hebrews, the Levites, to protect their privileged status. All those "sacrifices" brought to the temple by the common folk were eaten, used and worn by the Levites. Even perfume was illegal to be used by commoners!

I've studied the history of the Bible quite closely and thoroughly. I've also studied related ancient religions, such as Sumerian, Babylonian, Egyptian, Greek. It's interesting to watch their evolution, and the further evolution of Christianity and Islam that sprang from Judiasm, while also devaluing it.

So, this adultery you're concerned about... rest assured it was FINE for MEN to have as many wives and concubines as they wished. For at least a millennium in the BC era, and on into the current era, this was so. It was WOMEN who could only have one husband/lover. This was set down by a patriarchal culture to assure each man's child was his own, biologically.

In the current era, gradually the Christian/Catholic church made a big deal about celibacy (thanks to St Paul). Marriage was begrudgingly allowed. Monogamy was preferred if you could not be chaste.


New member
Yes. I agree. I am not too concerned personally about breaking away from these particular commandments. In the context of talking to my wife about polyamory (and cheating), even my wife sees these commandments as misguided. She reminded me that these were made at a time when women were seen as property.

I would also recommend anyone else struggling with this to watch the TED Tv talk by Esther Perel. Her approach to infidelity is fair, realistic, and enlightening.

Anyways, it’s great to share my thoughts here and get ideas from all of you. My conservative upbringing is making it hard for us to reshape our thinking on what a marriage is supposed to be (monogamous until death do us part).
Saying it "just happened" kind of makes it sound like you're excusing the behavior. If you're being unfaithful it doesn't matter how it happened, there's still dishonesty there.

Now, that being said, I have also cheated on my husband before we were married or poly. It took me about 3 days to finally tell him, but we're still together. My actions caused a lot of damage to our relationship long term, but I accepted my responsibility and let him know I will answer any questions he has. I really wanted him to know why it happened and what my connection with this person was like. It's still a part of me even though I made a mistake.

It took him a while to get past it, but we worked through the negative feelings until now, hes been exposed to this person via communication since then so much that hes now finding likeness in this person.

When it comes to your situation, the biggest thing that's going to help you is practicing uncomfortable openness. Just toss out comments when you see someone attractive. Spark up conversation. Your mind obviously craves connections and I'm sure your wife appreciates that part of you. Let her into that part of your mind. My husband and I are always talking about people we're chatting with. It's fun to experience that part of your partner as well as to feel free to experience it yourself.

Good luck in your endeavor!