YouAreHere is... where? (Or, "This Road Map Still Sucks...") - Blog, Part II

YouAreHere

Active member
YouAreHere is... where? (Or, "This Road Map Still Sucks...") - Blog, Part II

Intro post, which is just the outro post from my last blog thread. Methinks there are enough changes in my life right now to warrant a new thread/chapter.

Well... a lot has happened in a few months. YAH ended up having herself a full-blown identity crisis for a while! But I'll get to that...

What the heck did I talk about last time? YouAreHere has most definitely NOT been "here."

Oh, yeah...

The .sig most definitely needs updating. Noa abruptly left Chops' life and unfriended all the rest of us from Facebook soon thereafter. Lots going on there, and I feel for her, but zoinks... scorched earth. Cheesegirl and Chops are pretty much just friends at this point. Xena and Curls' relationship has kind of backed up a few steps, but the house plans are still in motion, even if it ends up to be a couple of different living spaces or something. Xena's got a new guy that she's really happy about, and she's really (REALLY) working on tamping down her expectations when it comes to what kind of relationships she wants with people (which was one of the big bugaboos with why we didn't really get along all that well in the beginning of the relationship with Chops). Things are going pretty well, all things considered.

And then there's me. Good ol' Mono, Pendulum-hearted me. Good ol' me who was the recipient of some nice, flirty attention from a coworker (well, we're in the same building, he's in my spin classes, but we'll never actually *work* together - very different disciplines). Good ol' me who really liked the flirting and reciprocated, because hey - it's all cool and open and on the up and up, and I think he's a cool guy. Good ol' me who thought, as the flirting went on, "Hm... I wonder if I'm right or wrong about myself..."

And now... Good ol' me who's been on two dates with this guy and is now planning a third. :eek:

Yeah, we'll let THAT sink in for a bit, shall we?

A little bit longer, perhaps. Hell, *I'm* still letting it sink in.

Chops and I have had some long conversations about it. The Pendulum thing really threw him, since I was SO adamant about being that way, and he didn't understand what changed. And I guess nothing changed, except I really just wanted to see if I really DO know myself, and to do it by challenging myself, and see, now that a mutual attraction has presented itself, if I really were the person I believed myself to be. I didn't want to ask myself "what if" - if I had/have regrets, I at least wanted them to be about SOMETHING rather than NOT doing something... if that makes sense.

Of course, it makes New Guy something of a science project, which I hate, but I'm being completely honest about not knowing where this is going, or knowing if I will be able to actually *do* a relationship (but then again, so is New Guy - he's been really damned good about digging into the deep stuff rather than noping out of the whole thing. It's been impressive!). So my goal is to keep doing that, keep being proactive about talking about stuff, and see where things go.

On the plus side, I'm really into this guy, and I don't think it's negatively impacting my feelings for Chops. I am, however, totally overanalyzing the HELL out of myself, though, and it's getting tiring. I occasionally feel disingenuous about myself (ID'ing as Mono), and wonder if it'd just be best to wrap up my other blog in a nice little bow and end it (due to the Mono/Poly-centric-ness of it), but then I wonder if it'd be better to just keep it going and have it become something else as well. I pulled away entirely from the blog, and from the board, just to chew on all this for a while, and I think I'm at a point now where I'm okay with this shift, and I'll roll with it and talk about it, and see how things go.

And then, I also think I've just come to the conclusion that I'm too old for this labeling shit, and I'm done with trying to put a name to who/what I am, other than "me." Screw it. And pulling away from the board feels dumb, because gee - MAYBE one or two of you here has been through this before, no? Oh well... if there's one label that may stick, it's "stubborn." :p

So yeah. My signature needs updating. And New Guy needs a name. Who the hell am I again? Maybe it's time to shutter this blog thread and open another... Chapter Two, perhaps. Onward and upward.

Life sure is interesting, isn't it?
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Oh! OH! And something I forgot to add to the end of the previous blog:

DanceGirl now has her licence.

And a car.

And a job.

Good LORD, what a friggin' abrupt change. Like there isn't already enough going on. :rolleyes:

I didn't realize I'd get hit with the "feeling unnecessary" feeling until it happened. I know it's silly, but wow. It *is* however funny listening to her complain about how the people who set her hours STILL can't seem to remember her availability and screw up her scheduling every week. Welcome to the working world, kid... that's why you get paid. :p
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Oh! Wow. This is entirely unexpected! Glad you posted on my blog, I noticed your new sig!

Verrry interesting!

Also the changes with Chops and his entourage. And your kid. Wow.

Best of luck with everything!
 

KC43

New member
Sounds like things have definitely taken some interesting turns for you. Hope everything works out great!
 
Wow! That's a lot going on! I hope you post more, I've missed your "voice" around here. :)
 

Atlantis

New member
I am glad to see you back too. :)
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Thanks, all! :)

Date #3 is tonight, and given some of the questions he's asked (and wanted me to wait until we were face-to-face to answer), I think it's going to be another deep-dive conversation. Fingers are crossed that it goes well, even though I really don't have any expectations about what "going well" means right now. I suppose I'm good with "he doesn't immediately stand up, loudly nope out of things, and shun me at work," so I guess my bar is low. :D

At the very least, he mentioned that this place has blueberry cobbler. Even if he loudly nopes out, I'm staying for dessert. ;)
 

paraselene

New member
So happy to have found this thread! As a presumed mono suddenly and unexpectedly contemplating the prospect of being the hinge in a V, I'll be following with great interest.
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Wow... Good grief. Way to start a "new" blog thread and then never use it.

So... it's been a while. The 2017 guy didn't work out. We had about 5 dates and he wasn't keen on the poly thing, so we ended it. Good kisser, though. Lol. I found it especially ironic when one of his arguments against Poly was "how can you let him do that to you?" (I guess have multiple partners?) I was like, "What, the same thing I'm doing to YOU right now?" If you're gonna blame Chops, then blame me too, right? But there were other things about this guy that just wouldn't have worked out anyway, so it was nice for a while, but wasn't going anywhere.

June of last year, I went on a date with a guy I met from my board gaming group (Gameboy in my .sig), and we're still together. Yay us! :) He's a real easygoing sort, could be a hippie if given the chance, almost lived in a commune once (but wasn't accepted), and is even more ADHD than me, so I actually feel understood in that regard! :D

Things with Chops didn't go so well once I started dating and going through therapy and treatment for my depression/anxiety. I won't go through all the details, but after some distance from the relationship, I believe that Chops has a need to be needed by his partners. My anxiety really fed that caretaker need for him, and while it was volatile at times, he really dug into that role of taking care of me and trying to meet my needs. As I got healthier, I got less needy, which in turn he interpreted as me not loving him or thinking of him as much, as well as not being sure of his role in my life / our relationship. The dating added fuel to that fire, as does my ADHD... He got upset when I wouldn't text him while I was out with Gameboy... or with the kids... or as much in general. He felt as though he didn't exist when he wasn't with me. If I got distracted in the middle of a conversation with him, he took offense. It got bad, culminating in a huge fight the night before Thanksgiving. Ugly.

So we broke it off, cooled down, and downgraded our relationship. We cut our cord from our handfasting and destroyed our rings. We're more of a FWB relationship now (with no "B" at all since COVID started, lol), and even though I still think he gets his feelings hurt when I don't reach out as often as he'd like, we've maintained our friendship which was always the goal. I'm still in touch with Xena and his family, and it ended really well as far as endings go.

So now, in the midst of COVID, Gameboy and I are doing really well. The kids are doing really well. BandKid is looking into getting her license (OMG), and Cat Whisperer (yep, new names for the kids to reflect how much they've changed!) would be going off to school this weekend to start her Sophomore year if it weren't for this stupid virus.

I've picked up crochet again as my COVID hobby, learned to knit (my IG feed is full of project and cat pics! :D), and I've bought a 3D printer that I plan to set up this weekend. Playing lots of board games with Gameboy and the kids, or online. Still playing video games, but far less since I've always got a crochet project going. Gameboy has gotten me into a couple RPGs with him and his friends, and life is just... calm and good. I haven't felt the need to talk with my therapist in a few months, the anxiety/depression is under control, and there are far fewer ups and downs in my relationships. It's kinda boring at this point. Lol.

So that's my update. Since things are really calm right now, I may just post stuff I find fun and interesting... the 3D printing seems REALLY fun, and I've favorited a lot of things on Thingiverse to print when I finally set it up. I've got two laptops to wipe, one of which I'll use with the printer. It'll be kind of fun to share how that all goes, along with general life stuff. It just won't be full of relationship volatility like my last blog was.

Edited to add this aside: I find it interesting that as I managed my anxiety with medication and therapy, I'm finding it easier to relate to the concept of not having "attachments". Not in the "I love people and want to be around them" way, but in the "I will have a gaping hole inside me if I don't have this person / thing / plan work out in my life" way. I feel stronger and healthier as a person, generally, and it's nice to have some faith in myself to believe that even if my relationship with Gameboy doesn't pan out in the future, after the kids grow up and build their own lives and families, I drift apart from some friends and closer to others, that I am still in control of my own destiny and I can enjoy my life regardless. It's a damned good feeling.

You guys all rock, BTW... this forum is still one I come to and read daily, even if I don't comment much. Thanks again to all of you!

Okay... off to go do some work now. :)
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hey YAH,

I enjoyed your new post here, it sounds like things have greatly calmed down for you over these past few years. I also had a lot of emotional turbulence in my past, finally arrived at the right mindset/routines/surroundings/meds so I could be calm most of the time (still have a constant low-grade anxiety thing going on though). I've been following your Facebook posts and enjoying that, you have awesome kids and your cats are cool too. Carry on! :D

With much regards,
Kevin T.
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Aw, thanks Kevin!
The COVID hobbies have really helped as well, since whatever low-grade anxiety I still have is helped by making things (I have this need to "do something" and feel guilty when I don't feel like I'm being productive). Plus, it's FUN productivity! :)

Never thought I'd see a personal bright side with this pandemic, but there you go. Lol.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
A pox on Covid. :D But it's cool that you got a new hobby or two out of it.
 

YouAreHere

Active member
I logged in today, and... SURPRISE! New forum! Looks nice, and I find the trophy thing hilarious. Still getting used to things, and not really sure how to flag posts as spam anymore, but I'll ask that in a different thread.

Work is hellish right now... getting through some software testing that should have been done months ago, dealing with a huge cost overrun (your US tax dollars at work, folks... sigh), and also supporting a new proposal. I'm tired.

Did some thinking last night and realized that I'm very easily emotionally manipulated and tend to internalize things a LOT, even when logically, it makes no sense to. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after my marriage, but no. Sigh. I looked back on one of the incidents between me and Chops that was the BIG "beginning of the end" moment, and I got a bit angry in retrospect when Chops spun the story (in anger) in a way that made it sound like I was a terrible, selfish person. Yes, I have my selfish moments. We all do. But from my side, it was more being blindsided by a situation and not knowing how to react. And then getting shut out so I couldn't react when he got angry. Meh. I'm being vague here, but I'm glad I had a good therapist to talk it all over with. I'm not sure if recognizing that tendency in myself to take on other people's emotions will help me to stop doing it so much, but I guess being aware of it is the first step.

Finished crocheting some fingerless mitts yesterday that I now need to block and sew together. Made them out of some wool that I "rescued" from Goodwill or Savers (thrifted, at the very least), and I found that it was moth-eaten. Boo. Managed to pull together a sizeable ball of the yarn, stuck it in the freezer for a few days to make sure any and all eggs were gone (ew), and decided to make something warm out of it in time for Fall. I'll post a pic when I'm done. :)

BTW, if anyone here is on Ravelry, look me up. I'm "m0nkeyh0use" there. And if anyone has any awesome patterns or project ideas, please feel free to share! Always looking for new fun stuff.

Anyway, that's enough of that. Stay safe and healthy, all!
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Welp, I went purple. :D
A friend of mine works for Supercuts corporate and was running some color classes, so I figured, "What the hell?" Especially for free! Double win!
She says she'll keep me on her list for future classes.

So... I was cool with my natural salt-n-pepper ('s here, and we're in effect!), but I'm really loving this.

Finished my niece's afghan and sent it in the mail with my sister's birthday present. Can't wait until they receive it... I'm all giddy!
And now I'm working on a hat just to have something quick to work up before I work on a throw for a friend's wedding.

Methinks this hobby is catching on this time around... :oops:

(Edited: Dang... picture won't load. I'll try to add it on my other laptop or via mobile.)
 
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