Please Help! Boundary Issue
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Norwegianpoly
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Sex positive is not the same as anything goes
It is entirely possible to be "sex positive" (aka; think sex is the greatest thing) and have worked out past issues over sex and still not think that one's husband should go to sex parties. I certainly would not want mine to, and especially not with a new girlfriend. The issue lies in the number of people. I would not care how my husband slept with a girlfriend (as long as he had safer sex), but at a sex party I would not know who and how many he slept or played with. That would be very uncomfortable to me, that is not a level of uncertaintly I am willing to live with. I generally do not ok random partners, with new serious partners I get to be in the loop, and would not have liked him to meet people at a party where everybody's in to get some candy.
It is entirely possible to be "sex positive" (aka; think sex is the greatest thing) and have worked out past issues over sex and still not think that one's husband should go to sex parties. I certainly would not want mine to, and especially not with a new girlfriend. The issue lies in the number of people. I would not care how my husband slept with a girlfriend (as long as he had safer sex), but at a sex party I would not know who and how many he slept or played with. That would be very uncomfortable to me, that is not a level of uncertaintly I am willing to live with. I generally do not ok random partners, with new serious partners I get to be in the loop, and would not have liked him to meet people at a party where everybody's in to get some candy.
Dagferi
Well-known member
Please tell me you do not share details of your sex life with your children.
Btw you can attend a sex party and not participate.
Children
I absolutely DO NOT share my sex life with my children. BUT as they age, I do feel the need to teach them what I BELIEVE is healthy and best practice. And I feel the need to be honest about things I did...
I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my sons that going to sex parties is healthy behavior because I don't.
Any advice on how to deal with my emotions as far as "butting out."
I absolutely DO NOT share my sex life with my children. BUT as they age, I do feel the need to teach them what I BELIEVE is healthy and best practice. And I feel the need to be honest about things I did...
I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my sons that going to sex parties is healthy behavior because I don't.
Any advice on how to deal with my emotions as far as "butting out."
Ok, I tried answering a different way but my phone wouldn't let me. I hope I cover everything.
If you read my post history, you'll see I often say that there are control issues in many of the relationships we see on here. I'll concur that people rarely agree with me though.
I don't have a primary partner at the moment, but any boundaries I have in my relationships, any rules, were determined before I met my last two or three partners anyway. For the type of relationship I'm in now, who my partner dates has no bearing on me at all. Now if I meet said person and they are cool and we hang out, that's a bonus, but their relationship has no affect on me or us. This is only possible because I trust the people I pick as partners and trust their ability to do the same. Also, the majority of repercussions that come from dating a crazy or a cheater will be on him. It will be his phone that will be ringing off the hook, his windows smashed by a scorned husband. However, if we lived together, it would affect us. It would be our windows. So I'd draw a line at the crazies and the cheaters. My current partner wouldn't get involved with a cheater though.
The same principle goes for money and time. My partner is/will be aware of his various obligations and responsibilities and I don't expect to have a partner where I have to set rules and regulations to ensure he will do that. That's not the relationship I want. That's not the partner I want. When I see that a poly guy is in a relationship that requires those kind of rules, it makes me wonder if he is trustworthy and/or if his partner is insecure/controlling/fighting the poly.
Your husband isn't your child. What he does with his sexuality shouldnt influence his ability to parent his kids. Most people don't mix their sex stuff with their parenting duties. Furthermore, and I suspect thos is probably futile, but people who go to sex parties probably have a healthier approach to sex and sexuality than you do. The people who get all the kink stuff a bit twisted (take this from a moderately experienced kinky person) are usually the children of people like you (based on how you describe your background). They usually come from backgrounds where sex was thought of as dirty and morally wrong and things get all twisted and it goes to very dark places. But anyway, you can go to sex parties and be perfectly healthy just like you can take a very conservative view of sex and keep it vanilla and be perfectly healthy.
To me, what you need to do is let go of the idea that what your husband does when he is away from you is affects you. A DADT arrangement when it comes to his sex and/or social life with his girlfriend would help you separate yourself from their relationship. In the meantime, work on your sex issues yourself but at least you'll be in a place where you aren't trying to control your husband.
If you read my post history, you'll see I often say that there are control issues in many of the relationships we see on here. I'll concur that people rarely agree with me though.
I don't have a primary partner at the moment, but any boundaries I have in my relationships, any rules, were determined before I met my last two or three partners anyway. For the type of relationship I'm in now, who my partner dates has no bearing on me at all. Now if I meet said person and they are cool and we hang out, that's a bonus, but their relationship has no affect on me or us. This is only possible because I trust the people I pick as partners and trust their ability to do the same. Also, the majority of repercussions that come from dating a crazy or a cheater will be on him. It will be his phone that will be ringing off the hook, his windows smashed by a scorned husband. However, if we lived together, it would affect us. It would be our windows. So I'd draw a line at the crazies and the cheaters. My current partner wouldn't get involved with a cheater though.
The same principle goes for money and time. My partner is/will be aware of his various obligations and responsibilities and I don't expect to have a partner where I have to set rules and regulations to ensure he will do that. That's not the relationship I want. That's not the partner I want. When I see that a poly guy is in a relationship that requires those kind of rules, it makes me wonder if he is trustworthy and/or if his partner is insecure/controlling/fighting the poly.
Your husband isn't your child. What he does with his sexuality shouldnt influence his ability to parent his kids. Most people don't mix their sex stuff with their parenting duties. Furthermore, and I suspect thos is probably futile, but people who go to sex parties probably have a healthier approach to sex and sexuality than you do. The people who get all the kink stuff a bit twisted (take this from a moderately experienced kinky person) are usually the children of people like you (based on how you describe your background). They usually come from backgrounds where sex was thought of as dirty and morally wrong and things get all twisted and it goes to very dark places. But anyway, you can go to sex parties and be perfectly healthy just like you can take a very conservative view of sex and keep it vanilla and be perfectly healthy.
To me, what you need to do is let go of the idea that what your husband does when he is away from you is affects you. A DADT arrangement when it comes to his sex and/or social life with his girlfriend would help you separate yourself from their relationship. In the meantime, work on your sex issues yourself but at least you'll be in a place where you aren't trying to control your husband.
Norwegianpoly
New member
I sometimes go to BDSM parties. There generelly is little sex going on, the focus is on getting tied or beaten or both, and similar kinks like masks and wax drippings. I went to a party once that blew my mind, it was a bondage show that was incredible, it was like watching a very intimate dance. BDSM is all kinds of things, I have met crappy people and people who are kind, people who are interesting and folks who are very boring. I am mostly into power plays, that is where part of my soul lies. I simply think power is sexy.
Will I tell my kids (when I have them) many details of my sex life? Of course not. Will I make an attempt to hide that power is something that give me kicks? Probably not. I am not really keen on knowing the specifics of what my own paretns do in bed, and I take a guess that my future children will not, too. Still it is not like I don't know the power dynamics of my parents. And I think if may be interesting to share something with your GROWN children IF they are interested - it could be as little as as saying; We are part of this group. Otherwise, all they need to know is when you are gone and for how long, and hopefully that you are enjoying yourself and keeping it fun for yourself and your husband.
My kids can have whatever sex life they have as long as they don't hurt people, or at least try not to. I don't get to decice what they should do. I don't feel ashamed of anything I do. There is a fine line between deception and just having secrets, I think everyone must fine that for themselves.
Why couldn't you just trust that he kept to your safer sex agreements regardless of how many people he chose to have sex with that night?
My mum shared things with me when she felt I was an appropriate age and would answer most questions honestly if I asked her. If my son approached me with any question, is answer generally for the most part. Anecdotes are usually unnecessary in discussions anyway. And I agree that as long as his kink isn't stupid or illegal, it's perfectly fine by me.
Norwegianpoly
New member
Do you mean that you have determened these boundries for yourself (no crazies or cheaters) or are you reffering to rules of your partners (and their primaries)?
For myself.
SouthernGal
New member
Respectfully, London, why would she trust him to keep to one agreement if he won't keep to another? They need to reestablish trust. I would not be ok with my dh having sex with random unknown people at a sex party in general, but I would be open to discussing it with him because I trust him. I trust him because he keeps his agreements with me. If he felt something was unreasonable, he would discuss it with me. I have been known to change my mind, especially once I'm more comfortable with how things work between us and in our relationship. Yes, therapy is very important,but so is communication between husband and wife. We cannot assume everyone else can and should do things the same way we do. But we can expect people to work together to meet needs and feel trust.
Norwegianpoly
New member
Oh, I would trust him to kep safer sex agreements! But another agreement we have is that we never have sex with a new person on the first night. If I don't know who it is, my husband don't get to sleep with them. When I met my boyfriend, I kept my husband in the loop of our flirting, and when I kissed him I still waited a day before I slept with him to be able to contact my husband and make sure my husband was ok with it.
Hypothetically, if my husband went to a sex party where I knew all the people and also knew who he might be attracted to, I could give an ok beforehand, but in the end I think that scenario would be too chaotic for me anyhow.
We have a fairly polyfidelous arrangement. Now I will not take on any more lovers because my (monogamous) boyfriend does not want me to, and anyhow I am not interested.
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Norwegianpoly
New member
Which is a good idea to have done (as your examples shows). But you still need to relate to the deals and boundries others have made for themselves, or within a relationship.
Londo
I asked you specifically this: OK, say, I try to take your advice. How? Do we establish a no-ask, no-tell policy? Do I stay out of any relationship with her because I don't want to hear about sex parties?
Is that the best way to control MYSELF, NOT HIM. I control myself, but not asking him what he's doing. I control myself by not having a relationship with wsomeone I don't like and don't want around my kids?
Actually this sounds better. London, you may be right. Also, how do I deal with the feelings of he is out/don't know where he is...what do I do with that anxiety? Do I Just repress it?
WHICH YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.
Instead, you insulted me "people like you". I dodn't understand how an insult is kind or warrented when I am asking for help.
So, you want to tussle? People like me? A little history. my sons have grown up around gay people. my four year old agrgues for gay marriage. They (now 11) are utterly accepting of gay families and transgender people. They know all about sex. They have learnt about rape and abuse and the problems with that. They know their parents are non-monogamous. In the REAL WORLD these patterns are way more honest, healthy and accepting than 99% of the population. If you think I'm "people like you" because I think sex parties are unhealthy - cool so be it. But, in the real worl, my sons' knowledge of sexuality and difference is way way more open than anyone I have met.
I also find it hard to take advice in "theroy" since you are not married, I agree you have your ideals, but they are much more harder to put int practice.
Despite the ugly way you describe me, I am VERY ACCEPTING IN PRACTICE, but emotions get in the way...in theory I don't give shit who does what...but in practice it is emotionally hard to have a husband go off to a sex party.
Again, you act like I'm a victorian. but 99% of the population wouldn't even try to consider such behavior!
I asked you specifically this: OK, say, I try to take your advice. How? Do we establish a no-ask, no-tell policy? Do I stay out of any relationship with her because I don't want to hear about sex parties?
Is that the best way to control MYSELF, NOT HIM. I control myself, but not asking him what he's doing. I control myself by not having a relationship with wsomeone I don't like and don't want around my kids?
Actually this sounds better. London, you may be right. Also, how do I deal with the feelings of he is out/don't know where he is...what do I do with that anxiety? Do I Just repress it?
WHICH YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.
Instead, you insulted me "people like you". I dodn't understand how an insult is kind or warrented when I am asking for help.
So, you want to tussle? People like me? A little history. my sons have grown up around gay people. my four year old agrgues for gay marriage. They (now 11) are utterly accepting of gay families and transgender people. They know all about sex. They have learnt about rape and abuse and the problems with that. They know their parents are non-monogamous. In the REAL WORLD these patterns are way more honest, healthy and accepting than 99% of the population. If you think I'm "people like you" because I think sex parties are unhealthy - cool so be it. But, in the real worl, my sons' knowledge of sexuality and difference is way way more open than anyone I have met.
I also find it hard to take advice in "theroy" since you are not married, I agree you have your ideals, but they are much more harder to put int practice.
Despite the ugly way you describe me, I am VERY ACCEPTING IN PRACTICE, but emotions get in the way...in theory I don't give shit who does what...but in practice it is emotionally hard to have a husband go off to a sex party.
Again, you act like I'm a victorian. but 99% of the population wouldn't even try to consider such behavior!
@norwegianpoly See, I just don't understand that at all. If I met your husband and I knew he had to ask permission for us to do what we wanted to do, I just wouldn't be interested anymore. I believe the people in the relationship should decide if and when things happen, not outsiders. I'm also not up for being screened by a metamour. I'll meet them once we're dating, but not till we know we want to keep dating.
Tell them both that you don't want to discuss their sex and/or social life. Hopefully they respect that boundary. It's kind of weird if that's all they talk about with you.
When he's out, busy yourself with something/someone else. Read up on sex positivity.
I've been in primary style relationships. Even monogamous ones require boundaries.
Norwegianpoly
New member
As do many agreements people have.
While I agree that many rules may implie a control need or lack of trust, do you generally think that people can not put limititations what their partners should do when not with them?
Norwegianpoly
New member
Yes, for me it is vital that I get to at least a light screening of whatever potentional metamour is coming up. I don't have to meet them, talk to them, or even see their picture. I think our fastest "ok'ing" was he sending me a text message describing a girl he had met at a party. "Can I kiss her if the situation feels like it?" And I told him he could do it. It was not as if I got to truely know her, but I was kept in the loop and that was all I needed. There have been some situations on each side where we sidestepped this procedure, resulting in ugly jelaousy that was really uneccesary when we could just have informed each other as we went along.
Usually this is not a problem, because we mostly date monogamous people and try to "turn" them, haha
They are not turned off by being screened (they dont even neccessarily know), but by the fact that I/my husband exist at all. Scary poly Once he is dating someone I am generelly not interested in meddling what is they do. Yet there could be some themes to discuss; is it ok for them to have sex in our bed? What kind of scedule should we all have? How much money can he spend on her/their relationship (we are not well off)? and so on concerning space, time and money... And likewise now with my boyfriend; me and my husband have had some talks to establish a basic outline of how things can be done, and also my BF will take a big part in our discussions when he comes over.
I don't feel like making poly "rules" in general, guess everybody gets turned off by their own thing, the important thing is to be upfront about it so that everybody can make choices accordingly.
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