Sneaking Behind My Back.....pissed off

Mahogany

Mahogany

New member
Okay, so, we are in a V relationship, with my hubby Bo as the hinge. Well, maybe it's a triangle, because his girlfriend and I have a sister-like relationship. We have built this relationship, and were all in a great place.

I asked the girlfriend to come to our twin boys' birthday party. She did. After everyone had left and the party was over, they snuck upstairs while I was downstairs with the kids and she gave him a blow job. When I realized they were gone, I went looking for them. They were finished and cleaning up. I immediately got very upset.

I have been fine with everything so far. They have dates, which doesn't bother me. We have had threesomes, which I have been comfortable and happy with, but this really hurt me.

I verbally lashed out at my hubby when she left. He then asked we why I was so upset, what he had done wrong, so that he'd know not to do it again. Honestly, I am not sure why it hurt me. I just know that it DID hurt me.

I thought I would talk to you guys about it to see if any of you have experienced this, have any thoughts or advice.
 
I'm also in a V, and close friends with my boyfriend's wife.

I'd guess that lack of communication was the culprit. In the past, did you know ahead of time when they'd be together, instead of discovering them like that? Also, kid's bday parties (twins no less!) can be stressful. So maybe the fact that he/they left you to clean up or put kids to bed, instead of making that a group activity, was upsetting to you, even if the guests had left?
 
To me, you simply don't do that kind of thing with kids around, especially after their birthday party. That's evidence of your husband being unable to sensibly manage multiple relationships whilst also being an active and conscientious parent.
 
I think I would have been upset too. It was the wrong time, wrong place. The afternoon was about the children. Kid's parties are hard work, and stressful, so for him to sneak off and leave you with your children perhaps felt a bit selfish and inappropriate to you. He probably hadn't thought about it like that, and hadn't intended to upset you, but it is not unreasonable to expect him to focus on his children, rather than his own physical wants after a family event such as a birthday party.

I am fine about most things, but if the three of us are together I don't like things happening behind my back. I'm fine if they are completely upfront about it, and since I have explained that to my husband, it is no longer a problem. I think it is just a case of being clear about what is or is not comfortable for you.
 
I have no experience in these things, but could it be that the sneakiness about it felt like cheating to you, even though it wasn't, and it stirred up emotions in you? I mean, it's not really a boundary that y'all have that he needs to tell you every time he is going to do something with her, is it? Like if he were at work, and she decided to surprise him for lunch, he wouldn't need to call you, right? Certainly he should have told you this time, since he was partly responsible for helping you at the party.

But I do have to say sneaking off at a kids' birthday party to get some action is a pretty common fantasy men have, so this doesn't surprise me at all. Cut him a little slack. Tell him he can't do that sort of thing when he is supposed to be responsible for helping, without giving you a heads-up. Or if it really hurt you, then make a boundary that sneaking off when the three of you are together doesn't work for you.

Just know the sneaking off part had more to do with fulfilling the fantasy of sneaking off at a party than trying to be sneaky against you.
 
Was it the blowjob, or the timing that pissed you off? To me, the first seems acceptable, but the second could be problematic. I say "could" because it doesn't automatically scream wrong. Could he have ducked out of the party for 15 minutes for a phone call or breather? Or was he supposed to be there the entire time?
 
Speaking as a parent, I'd have been upset that I was left with the cleanup of a party while they went off to play. Sometimes, doing a role reversal to the event helps me figure out if the problem is structural: Would it have been appropriate for YOU to head off with your husband and have him go down on you while the girlfriend cleaned up? If I'd been in your shoes, I'd have felt abandoned in a moment of "family work," and I'd be hurt that they decided to fool around in a way that felt disrespectful to the priorities of the moment. A blowjob for fun sounds kind of sexy - being left out of it does not.
 
seakinganswers said:
I have no experience about these things, but could it be that the sneakiness about it felt like cheating to you, even though it wasn't, and it stirred up an emotion in you?
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Or it WAS cheating.

Cheating means breaking a promise or agreement, or failing to hold up your end of the deal. Him running off to get a blow job while you're on parenting duty, without ensuring that you're good with being on parenting duty while he escapes, is cheating in regards to his part of the parenting duties.

If he was running off for a cigarette, to have a drink, to masturbate, it's still cheating. Running off to do his own thing when you both have a dual duty, without ensuring that the duty is managed, is cheating on the partner who is dually responsible.
 
That just seems like conflating the word cheating into any possible tangential meaning. Infidelity = cheating.
 
My son has a party every year jointly hosted by me and my ex. We both go off and have some mingling/down time, but going off to engage in sexual activity at your kids' party is just not appropriate, in my book.
 
I agree. You can wait a few hours for a blowjob. And you should be there the whole time for your kid.
 
Mahogany said:
Honestly, I am not sure why it hurt me. I just know that it DID hurt me.
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We can guess all day long about the motivations for your coming uncorked on him, but you're the only person who actually knows why.

Was there some agreement about when and where he is allowed to fool around with this girl? Do you have some kind of veto power, or other control, regarding what he can and cannot do with his body (and when)? You say you are fine with the threesomes, but was it your expectation that there was nothing more between these two lovers? If so, did he know that?

In my life, I absolutely refuse to take a lashing, *certainly* when the person doing the lashing doesn't even know why they are angry. To me, this is very much a *you* problem, and the only thing he should be waiting for from you is a calm, apologetic, and thorough explanation for your behavior and expectations of the future.

Hopefully you can take a deep breath and separate out your knee-jerk emotional reaction from the reality of what is actually happening. If he broke an agreement, then so be it, if he didn't, then so be it. Either way, I suggest less "feeling" and more "thinking."
 
I think the part that would make me mad is they were using this family time as kind of a date. I don't go fuck Sam on Nate's time. It just seems disrespectful.
 
Marcus said:
In my life, I absolutely refuse to take a lashing, *certainly* when the person doing the lashing doesn't even know why they are angry. To me, this is very much a *you* problem, and the only thing he should be waiting for from you is a calm, apologetic, and thorough explanation for your behavior and expectations of the future.

Hopefully you can take a deep breath and separate out your knee-jerk emotional reaction from the reality of what is actually happening. If he broke an agreement, then so be it, if he didn't, then so be it. Either way, I suggest less "feeling" and more "thinking."
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I dunno. I always thought parenting time was when you didn't come first. In this case, literally.

If parenting responsibilities are up for negotiation, for the first time, this might be the place to learn. But I see this from a parenting perspective, where the husband made a dumb choice and the girlfriend was disrespectful of responsibilities that she should've been more aware of.
 
I very much appreciate everyone's replies. It really helps to get outside feedback. It help me process my thoughts in a more objective way, if that's at all possible.

When I said "lashing," that might have been too strong a word to use. I did not yell at him, but he did know I was angry. I wouldn't have yelled, because everyone was still in the house. I know I am not my hubby's dictator. This wasn't a yelling match. We don't communicate that way, period. We have very healthy communication methods.

After reading everyone's replies, and doing some thinking on my own, I realized that I was upset because:

(1) He had asked me to sneak off with him and have some adult fun more than once during the party. Although I really wanted to, I said no. I didn't feel comfortable doing it upstairs while our kids and others were alert downstairs. So I put my responsibilities first, making an adult decision to wait. But he decided to go ask her, and SHE said yes. :confused: He continued to pursue it, even after I explained why it was not a good idea.

(2) Communication, as well. What? Were they sneaking away from me too?
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Happytovee, I think you hit the nail on the head. In the past, I was fully aware of what was going the happen, so I had been able to mentally prepare, if you will. This was a complete surprise to me. Communication is very important to me, and they failed to do that. If they needed a date, they should have said that. I think the other factors that have been mentioned added to it, too.

Kernow, london, seakinganswers, I totally get that! Having kids around is a clear sign that sexual acts are not appropriate, even when you are sneaking to do it. Children can end up seeing or hearing. You just never know. There is a time and place for everything. If they would have taken some time to talk and connect, I would have been okay with that. Sex when kids are alert in the house is weird to me, and makes me feel uncomfortable. But I don't know if I am being too uptight about it.

LovingRadiance, yes, we do have duties. We are the mom and dad. And Dad decided to go off somewhere and get a sexual favor when he should have been more concerned with family time. Discipline, that's what was lacking here. And it shouldn't have taken me to bring that to light for him. His girlfriend... I don't know. I will when I talk to her about it. Her daughter was here, too.

Marcus, as far as veto power is concerned, I get where you are coming from. No, I don't have that power, and I certainly don't want that kind of power. But morally, I feel that it was wrong because of when and how they went about it. Don't you think that it was the wrong time? There were 5 children downstairs with me. What if I wanted to enjoy the acts they were experiencing, too, but I couldn't because I was downstairs taking care of the kids? Why do they get to go upstairs and enjoy each other? Why not me? To be honest, hubby had asked me to sneak off and do something with him earlier during the party, but I told him, "No, maybe later, after everyone is asleep." So I guess he tried with her and hit the jackpot.

Pulliman, vanquish, london, I agree. From a parenting perspective, we SHOULD not be thinking of our wants. It is about our responsibility to our children. I was upset because, in my opinion, that was not the time or place. It wasn't the blowjob, it was the timing of the act that upset me.
 
Mahogany responded, so most of this is no longer relevant:

pulliman said:
I dunno. I always thought parenting time was when you don't come first. In this case, literally.

If parenting responsibilities are up for negotiation, for the first time, this might be the place to learn. But I see this from a parenting perspective, where the husband made a dumb choice, and the girlfriend was disrespectful of responsibilities that she should be more aware of.
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I get that some people might have a "No fun of any kind that does not involve the kids, while at an official kid function" rule. If that's the case, then this rule should be explicitly discussed, not just assumed or hinted at. Mahogany made exactly zero reference to any such understanding, so there is currently no reason to believe that there is such a rule (or if there is, that it was ever discussed). If it weren't discussed, that would make it simply an example of lack of expressing expectations, and this should be a learning experience for everyone involved.

I see no reason to label the husband as "dumb," or the gf as "disrespectful," when there is no evidence that this was the case.

Again, recall that the infamous blowjob happened after the party and the guests had all left. This blowjob took up so little "kids' time," that by the time the Mahogany realized they weren't in the room, they were already cleaning up and presumably heading back to the party. Further remember that the Mahogany stated explicitly that she had "no idea" why she was upset, and decided to "lash out" at her husband. The "dumb" husband asked what the issue was, so that he could make sure to adjust in the future, but Mahogany had no advice to offer. So all of this discussion about using kids as an excuse to lash out at our loved ones is purely conjecture.

What I would hope Mahogany could learn from this experience is to work on dealing with emotional responses in a more constructive manner, and to consider logically what the problem is. Only then can the issue actually be addressed in a way which will encourage a healthy relationship. Personally, I am against making excuses for that kind of behavior, even if "it's for the kids" is a really easy one to leap onto.
 
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Seakinganswers, I did not know the fantasy side of this situation. That makes sense, because he had been trying with me during the party, more than once. So I am sure that had something to do with it, too.
 
pulliman said:
I dunno. I always thought parenting time was when you don't come first. In this case, literally.

If parenting responsibilities are up for negotiation, for the first time, this might be the place to learn. But I see this from a parenting perspective, where the husband made a dumb choice, and the girlfriend was disrespectful of responsibilities that she should be more aware of.
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Precisely. I am not saying flying off the handle was the appropriate way to handle it, but, as a co-parent (there are three of us), I expect and am expected to arrange my play time, any kind of play time, around my/our responsibilities to the kids.
 
vanquish said:
That just seems like conflating the word cheating into any possible tangential meaning. Infidelity = cheating.
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Cheating is the breaking of a promise. We abuse the word to only pertain to the breaking of promises pertaining to sex. But that isn't what it actually means. If we have agreements, whether they are business agreements, educational agreements or relationship agreements, one party can cheat. For example, cheating at school is a common topic. It's not a sex thing. It's a breaking the agreement of responsibility. The kids getting flunked out of college for cheating aren't being flunked out for fucking in the bathrooms.
 
Cheating

cheat
verb (used with object)
1.to defraud; swindle: He cheated her out of her inheritance.
2.to deceive; influence by fraud: He cheated us into believing him a hero.
3.to elude; deprive of something expected: He cheated the law by suicide.
verb (used without object)
4.to practice fraud or deceit: She cheats without regrets.
5.to violate rules or regulations: He cheats at cards.
6.to take an examination or test in a dishonest way, as by improper access to answers.
7.Informal. to be sexually unfaithful (often followed by on ): Her husband knew she had been cheating all along. He cheated on his wife.

:)
 
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