Sleeping Arrangement Assumptions and Tactful Communication

[Reverie]

I'm looking for some advice on how to tactfully word something to a metamour who has become a friend, and I figured maybe some of you have navigated these waters before. Let me know what you think...

My metamour has asked that I tell her if ever something that she does causes tension or makes things weird for me, and I said that I would. I had told her previously that if she had ever sensed tension in the past, it's been related to stuff that our shared partner has done, interacting with my own internal issues—nothing so far has been her fault. But this time, I do think that she has a share in the fault (though by no means owns it all) and I'd like to communicate that to her in the most tactful way possible. I also don't want to hurt her, if it can be avoided.

So the story is that she, Kelly, is a "FWB+" of my boyfriend, Rider. Which, by his definition, means that she's a friend he sleeps with, about whom he cares a great deal, but he does not see her as a "girlfriend" and he is not in love with her. She and I have become friends over the past few months of our acquaintance. She lives about 5 hours away by car, and they occasionally visit one another for the weekend—it has happened three times so far. Of the three times, twice I have been out of town, and they have spent the entire weekend together one-on-one. The remaining weekend, he spent one night with her alone and we had a planned threesome the other night.

This coming weekend, Rider is having a huge weekend-long belated birthday celebration, and he has friends from all over the state coming into town to stay at his place and mine all weekend. There will be a total of four people coming from out of town, with three of them, including Kelly, crashing at one or the other of our places for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. I have to leave town for an overnight for my sister's baby shower Saturday night, but I am still offering my crash space up for friends to stay.

Originally, people were only planning to stay over Fri/Sat, and when I had asked Rider about what he thought the sleeping arrangement should look like, he said that he wanted to spend Friday night with only me (so we could have QT sexy-time), and he'd spend Saturday night with Kelly, since I'd be out of town. When everyone decided that they wanted to stay through Sunday night, I asked Rider how that would work, and he said he wanted to spend that night with me as well. This made sense to me, as we are in the habit of having a reconnection night after I leave town (which I do a lot). Also, since Rider and I are each other's only primaries at this point, we generally operate as a solid unit, with anything else being something that we negotiate ahead of time. We sometimes do run into situations where we are sleeping in the same place as one or the other of our other FWB/hookups (notably his BFF and mine), and what we do is to usually to focus on the "F" part of "FWB" with the outside party (excepting some light cuddles), and with Rider and I sleeping together at the end of the night. If something different is to happen, it's a topic of discussion between us.

Last week, over chat while drunk, the three of us (Rider, Kelly, and I) had tossed around the idea of a threesome that upcoming Sunday night, but sober the next morning, I realized that for a number of reasons (other guests in the house, travel fatigue), that was actually a bad idea, even though it had been MY bad idea. So I rescinded it and pointed out why.

In the ensuing conversation, it came out that even before any talk of a threesome over chat, Kelly had actually had a standing expectation that she would be sleeping in my bed with us that night, instead of on Rider's futon (which is where she's spending Friday night).

She seemed super weirded out that we would assume that she WOULDN'T be in bed with us. And I was super weirded out that she would assume that she WOULD be in bed with us. From my perspective, adding a third person to the bed is something that either gets discussed before it happens OR it just happens organically with little consents along the way but with no expectation—in any case, it's not the default assumption. And from her perspective, if she is visiting, even if it is among a pack of other friends, she is expecting to sleep with Rider each night unless otherwise discussed with her (as Friday was).

She kind of whined about it a bit, complaining that she has limited time to see him, especially since we are moving far away in six months and since their next one-on-one visit is two months away. The background is that she has no local partners and tends to be lonely, focusing pretty much all of her sexual/romantic energy on her LDR-FWB with Rider.

I do see her point about limited time, but I also think that a) her local situation has nothing to do with Rider or me, and b) it creeps me out that she feels like she has assumptions/expectations/entitlements about sharing our bed during a weekend that is not specifically a "Kelly visiting Rider" weekend but instead an "everyone is visiting Rider and being our guests" weekend—i.e., it is not a planned romantic interlude for them with that being the purpose of the visit, but rather an occasion of many friends celebrating Rider, much partying, and Rider and I acting as dual hosts. Rider and I live two blocks from each other, spend nearly every night together, and are moving in together in two months (a lease being the only thing preventing it from currently being the case), so it's kind of like both places are currently both of ours anyway.

In the end, I agreed to have her sleep in my bed with us, only cuddling with no guarantee of sex. I can commit to that much to try to make everyone happy. It is technically a sacrifice for me (I am losing my post-travel connection night that was originally scheduled), but it is one that I am willing to make. So this post isn't looking for advice about what to do Sunday night—I've got that part covered—but more about how to communicate now to stop such cross-purposed expectations from occurring in the future.

I want to communicate to her, as tactfully and non-threateningly as possible, that it is not a good idea to assume that any time we are all together that we are going to be down for group stuff—sex, bed-sharing, what-have-you. Sometimes, sure, as a well-thought-out plan that we hatch or something that evolves organically with consent along the way. But not always, and not as a base assumption that will lead to bad feelings and disappointment if it is not met. I know that she values her physical connection to him and of course wants to act on it given an opportunity, and it seems perfectly reasonable to me that that be the assumption for their one-on-one time, but this relationship is, at its core, a casual V and not a triad (though we do have the occasional group romp), so assuming group stuff seems out of bounds to me. There are going to be situations where we are all present where the "F" part of their FWB+ comes into play more than the "WB+" part, and sleeping arrangements are one of them.

I already apologized for bringing up the idea of a possible threesome drunkenly without thinking it through, and having to rescind the offer with explanation, which I think addresses my portion of fault. And, of course, it was Rider's responsibility as the hinge to communicate the sleeping arrangements to her at the outset, once he and I had discussed where all of our guests were going to be staying. He neglected to do that, and he has apologized for that as well. But I think that making blanket assumptions that she will be sleeping with us is where she was at fault, and since she's asked to be made aware when she makes a misstep, I want to communicate that to her. Especially since the issue is likely to come up again in the coming months.

But I also want to be tactful and kind and not make her feel bad. Any suggestions for wording or angles to take? All are appreciated.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Reverie, from all of this I get that it's not about which bed or the actual bed at all, it's about what the beds mean. If this were simply a matter of figuring out practical sleeping arrangements, there would be no weird feelings. So, yes, you can make sleeping arrangements tactfully (and I'm sure you will) but it seems like there is a lot more going on than just figuring out who is gonna sleep where. It seems like a territory thing.

 

[Reverie]

Reverie, from all of this I get that it's not about which bed or the actual bed at all, it's about what the beds mean. If this were simply a matter of figuring out practical sleeping arrangements, there would be no weird feelings. So, yes, you can make sleeping arrangements tactfully (and I'm sure you will) but it seems like there is a lot more going on than just figuring out who is gonna sleep where. It seems like a territory thing.

Well, yeah, I mean the bed is obviously a very intimate territory thing—it's the center of one's home life, in a way. Reframing it rather than just being about furniture is that it's about intimacy...I don't like being expected or assumed to want to participate in very intimate three-way situations, even if it's not sex, with a partner's partner, even if she is also a friend. I want it to be optional, when everyone wants it, with no expectations set—a "maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't" situation so that everyone can see what they feel in the moment with temperature assessed and consent given along the way. I want her to know that when she's here for a group/friend visit, not for a "date visit with Rider," she can't assume that we're going to want that every time. Her expressing that she had an assumption and an expectation there, and kind of throwing a little fit about the idea of not getting it is what creeped me out. Does that make more sense?

 

[FallenAngelina]

... it was Rider's responsibility as the hinge to communicate the sleeping arrangements to her at the outset, once he and I had discussed where all of our guests were going to be staying. He neglected to do that, and he has apologized for that as well.....

When I sleep over at my FWB's house (usually after a threesome but not always) it's his GF and I who work out the actual sleeping. He is technically the V, but he is also 'the guy" and as such, it seems that arranging who sleeps where is kinda beyond what he would ever even think about. Maybe it's just us, but it always seemed natural that the women would work it out, even though he is the hinge in our (sometimes) V. And we have never talked about it before hand - we just work it out on the fly. I think that the situation you describe is charged with way more than just the physical who sleeps where.

 

[Reverie]

When I sleep over at my FWB's house (usually after a threesome but not always) it's his GF and I who work out the actual sleeping. He is technically the V, but he is also 'the guy" and as such, it seems that arranging who sleeps where is kinda beyond what he would ever even think about. Maybe it's just us, but it always seemed natural that the women would work it out, even though he is the hinge in our (sometimes) V. And we have never talked about it before hand - we just work it out on the fly. I think that the situation you describe is charged with way more than just the physical who sleeps where.

I guess that, in our situation, I am "the planner" and Rider is the person I bring planning questions to, for him to decide/discuss. It's always been this way, from the earliest times we've had other people around at the same time. He and I discuss what sorts of possibilities are on the table—key word being "possibilities," not expectations—for what could happen with others. It has always made sense to us that we discuss/operate as a unit, and then let things unfold based on what other people were also up for. Occasionally, Kelly and I have planned something behind his back to surprise him, but that's also always been a communicated-in-advance thing, not an unspoken assumption thing.

As for what the situation is charged with, I think it is this on her end:

1. She has no local partners and is cuddle-starved. She depends on Rider to meet her physical affection needs, and feels like she has to "stock up" when she is in town.

2. Because of this, she feels entitled to sleeping with him/us the nights she is here, even when the purpose of him having people in town is not for them to be having a date. The idea that she might not get this made her have a little fit.

And on my end:

1. I am an introvert and sometimes do not have the social/emotional energy for three-to-a-bed, however much I might like the people involved.

2. I dislike feeling obligated to participate in intimate bed/cuddle/sexuality things when I am not sure how I'll feel in the moment. I need for each step to be "opt in" when it comes to something out of the ordinary for me.

Which is not to say that there haven't been any jealousy issues at all on my end—there have been and they are getting better—but even at their worst, they never applied to situations when all three of us are present, and that's not what I'm feeling now. What I'm feeling now is just finding her sense of entitlement—her assumption that "this is what will happen and she's going to grumble if otherwise"—distasteful. And since she's specifically asked me to mention to her if ever she does anything that makes me uncomfortable, I am looking for as nice a way as possible to tell her that it makes me uncomfortable when she makes assumptions like that. She was invited to visit and to party like all of Rider's other friends, and she was invited to sleep with him the night I was out of town. She was not invited for anything beyond that, but she internally invited herself, and then was grumbly when it seemed she might not get it. That made me uncomfortable.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Her expressing that she had an assumption and an expectation there, and kind of throwing a little fit about the idea of not getting it is what creeped me out. Does that make more sense?

Sounds like she is taking this as a rejection of her, that you're trying to assert your power to veto sex for everyone...? Not sure, but her little fit would indicate that she feels rejected/set aside in some way. Perhaps she doesn't feel entitled to physical affection/sex/cuddling so much as she takes the absence of it as rejection, which sets off her insecurities in a big way. Just an idea.

 

[Reverie]

Sounds like she is taking this as a rejection of her, that you're trying to assert your power to veto sex for everyone...? Not sure, but her little fit would indicate that she feels rejected/set aside in some way. Perhaps she doesn't feel entitled to physical affection/sex/cuddling so much as she takes the absence of it as rejection which sets off her insecurities in a big way. Just an idea.

Maaaaybe on the veto thing? But the original sleeping arrangement plan came from Rider, not from me—though I am not sure if she knows that—AND also she said she was expecting just cuddle time, not necessarily sex. (Which is what she's getting, after we negotiated.)

But maybe the rejection hypothesis is true and that's the angle I need to approach it from with her: that it has nothing to do with her likability or worth those times when Rider and I choose to keep one on one. It has everything to do with our own needs, which can include anything from my needing social space to our needing to recharge together after stress, etc.

 

[kkxvlv]

I was having difficulty understanding why you and her making different assumptions is cause for either of you to be weirded out. Once again Rider made the mistake of not communicating the plans he made with you with Kelly.

If I put myself in her position I would think: If a group of people is visiting him and only two of them are "sleeping together" type friends, and one of them gets to sleep with him practically every night, then yes, I would hope and probably assume I would be sharing a bed with him during that visit. My possible nights with him are very limited and you already had a chance to celebrate a birthday night with him. I wouldn't necessarily be expecting sex with lots of people around, but I would probably assume I'd be invited to sleep with him to get a little extra time together in. But that's just how I think in my ldr. Was she really whining about it, or just trying to explain why that was her expectation/desire since you still don't really understand her perspective?

From reading your blog I know you don't typically make that assumption with your ldr partners, but you also don't end up sleeping with those partners very often because you prioritize your connection with Rider. She doesn't have another partner present so that wouldn't be part of her thought process. You don't have to agree that her assumption was right or wrong, but her assumption isn't so outlandish that it should be anything more than a minor misunderstanding caused by Rider not notifying her, and her not having exactly the same thought process as you. Also the fact that you also suggested the threesome (although drunkenly) should show you why it was so easy for her mind to go there, yours did too!

Knowing Rider's track record we don't know for sure what kind of impression he gave her about this particular visit. I don't know if she totally shares your vision of you and Rider operating as a single unit. She is in a relationship with him as an independent person. I don't know if she should be expected to assume that you two made plans regarding sleeping arrangements and you invited her to sleep with him on a certain night and you did not invite her to share a bed with him any other nights and then he failed to tell her that. You framing her as being invited like any of his other friends and hoping for more makes her a brat sounds like it lacks acknowledgement on their relationship even if it is just fwb.

Your discomfort actually made a lot more sense to me when you framed it that you were uncomfortable with her assumption that she'd be sharing a bed with YOU and not just that she assumed she'd be sharing a bed with Rider.

I'd tell her something like, "Hey I'm sorry again about suggesting the threesome and then realizing I wasn't comfortable with it in that exact situation. I also realized I'm not comfortable with someone assuming they'll be sharing a bed with me. I prefer to have explicit conversations either to make plans in advance or in the moment based on how I'm feeling at time. I think that your assumption caused me some discomfort that made it difficult for me to see your the situation from your perspective. I can recognize that you were hoping to sleep with him because your nights together are limited, etc. In the future, lets make sure we discuss sleeping arrangements with each other in advance before we set plans or getting our hopes set on something."

 

[Reverie]

I also don't know if it is a "feeling rejected" thing, what else I could do. Will my suggestion in the above post help? Or is that something she needs to solve within herself?

This is something that I actually struggle with in terms of my own FWB too—how to make them still feel cared for and important when the truth is sometimes that it *isn't* an opportune moment for me to be intimate with them, and sometimes I *can't* muster the energy or create the proper circumstances to give them what they want from me. I try to express from the outset that what I have with them is limited by my low levels of free time and social energy, which vary a lot depending on how things are going with my primary relationship, with work, with family, etc. And then they can opt in if they are cool with having something that loose and casual and "fly by the seat of the pants."

It doesn't mean that I don't care and don't value them, but it does mean that I have a very low level of extra busy-ness I can induce and a limited amount of attention that I can give them before the rest of my life starts falling down around my ears.

 

[Reverie]

Was she really whining about it, or just trying to explain why that was her expectation/desire since you still don't really understand her perspective?

She actually admitted to whining after she read what she typed to me. She didn't apologize for it, and she continued to push to get her way, but she did label it whining.

You don't have to agree that her assumption was right or wrong, but her assumption isn't so outlandish that it should be anything more than a minor misunderstanding caused by Rider not notifying her, and her not having exactly the same thought process as you.

Yeah, not outlandish, for sure. It certainly did make me feel odd, though. It felt like forcible insertion for me, and it was uncomfy. The purpose of my hoping to address that with her is to try to stop it from happening again, not to try to make her feel like a jerk or anything. I don't think that it's some very big deal that requires great wringing of hands. I am just looking for a kindly way to open the dialog, and because I recognize that other people sometimes read my words differently than I mean them, I am looking for outside perspective as to how to best word things.

Your discomfort actually made a lot more sense to me when you framed it that you were uncomfortable with her assumption that she'd be sharing a bed with YOU and not just that she assumed she'd be sharing a bed with Rider.

I mean, in the interest of total transparency, the two are pretty bundled together, in that I am not going to opt out or to sleep anywhere non-Rider-filled when it is not a scheduled date visit for them. It's kind of discomfort with both, in that it would be equally discomfiting to me if she were to assume that I ought to remove myself (if I weren't already going out of town one night).

I can honestly say that, having struggled with jealousy in the not-too-distant past, I am comfortable with the fact that they are spending Saturday night together while I attend to my family obligation. I'm not happy that I have to miss the party that night, but if I can't be there, I'm glad they can have fun together—it borders on genuine compersion. But on the nights I can and will be there, unless they have scheduled a specific date visit, which does happen, I am far more comfortable with the assumption being "things will be regular," which means that Rider and I are in bed together and if we get a wild hair, maybe other things will happen too.

I'd tell her something like, "Hey I'm sorry again about suggesting the threesome and then realizing I wasn't comfortable with it in that exact situation. I also realized I'm not comfortable with someone assuming they'll be sharing a bed with me. I prefer to have explicit conversations either to make plans in advance or in the moment based on how I'm feeling at time. I think that your assumption caused me some discomfort that made it difficult for me to see your the situation from your perspective. I can recognize that you were hoping to sleep with him because your nights together are limited, etc. In the future, lets make sure we discuss sleeping arrangements with each other in advance before we set plans or getting our hopes set on something."

This is pretty close to what I was looking for! Thanks!

 

[dancepants]

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about where she's coming from regarding this. You even make a list, but those are reasons she may or may not have for this particular thing. You are making up her viewpoint and arguing against it.

You also seem to be assigning fault. Why don't you just say your piece and leave your judgements about her out of it.

You could say, "I don't feel comfortable sharing beds with people if they aren't invited. I noticed that came up for me."

Then, don't invite them.

 

[Reverie]

I guess, re-reading all of this, that I should mention in case it matters that there will likely be other FWB present at various times throughout the weekend (Allie, Pablo, and hookup-from-last-year Molly, who Rider is still interested in) as well. They are local, and so will not be getting crash space but they'll be around. So it's not like Kelly and I are the only two people who might be hoping for a slice of Rider's sexual time/attention that weekend. I can't ever imagine any of them harboring an expectation, though. They're really chill people who take everything in stride.

 

[Reverie]

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about where she's coming from regarding this. You even make a list, but those are reasons she may or may not have for this particular thing. You are making up her viewpoint and arguing against it.

Actually, those reasons—the being starved for affection, the having limited time, the space between visits—all came straight from her, though I paraphrased. My attempt to figure out the overall "charge" or "what it all means" was more a response to another poster than something I'm doing on my own.

But I see your point about the matter-of-fact just not inviting. I kind of want to be more sensitive and less...terse...about it though, since I do care about my own connection to her. She's a friend.

 

[playfulgirl]

It seems like there are so many layers here. I'm not going to try to address all of them. But what struck me while reading was that it seems you and Kelly have not fully worked out your burgeoning fwb ness. You are growing a friendship and that friendship has fwb undertones. While I don't read you and her have one on one sex, the two of you do enjoy threesomes with rider and have a lot of fun planning/playing with him together on occasion. Maybe the tension you are both experiencing in communication around all this is partially due to needing to
have an explicit talk about your individual needs in an fwb are?

Lady and I have had similar minor dust ups like this. We now schedule check in talk every so often to address it. She's my meta, she's my friend, she's my occasional threesome partner. I know we had to talk through sleeping preferences when I visited, how to manage cuddling and sexy times etc. And real was not always the most reliable communicator. It was easier and better for lady and I to work it out and then discuss our ideas about it all with him after we'd had our communications.

 

[ara]

It seems like you're taking a lot of responsibility for Kelly's emotions. While it's good that you two are communicating about how she feels, it might be more useful to focus on what you need and let Kelly learn how to manage her expectations. It sounds like you need your space to be your space and to not have any obligations around new people entering it, and it sounds like you need/want some time to reconnect with Rider when you come back. If you're able to compromise and make space for Kelly on Sunday then that shows a lot of really good flexibility on your part, but is it worth getting frustrated/annoyed/irked/etc. over why Kelly is feeling this way?

From a personal perspective I often stay over with my lovers, A & T when I see them, however they regularly share a bed with A's other partner, who is also a good friend of mine. We have made it work with four of us, but I try to approach each night assuming that I will sleep wherever works best for the three people whose home it is. If I have a night where I'm feeling fragile or like I need some more physical affection I will voice that need, and then we will figure out how to meet it--which has been cuddles on said couch before saying goodnight to everyone.

 

[MightyMax]

I'd also expect the visiting partner to share a bed with the hinge in those circumstances. I think going forward, you have to be open about the true degree of couple privilege that has developed in your relationship and how that will impact on other relationships.

in the interest of total transparency, the two are pretty bundled together, in that I am not going to opt out or to sleep anywhere non-Rider-filled when it is not a scheduled date visit for them. It's kind of discomfort with both, in that it would be equally discomfiting to me if she were to assume that I ought to remove myself (if I weren't already going out of town one night).

It's as if everyone should know that you are the default rather than Rider chooses to spend a lot of time with you.

 

[Inyourendo]

If I was driving several hours to spend the weekend with my close fwb I would expect that I would be sleeping in their bed with them. I would not be too keen to be told that I'd be sleeping alone on the futon while their gf whom they see daily sleeps with them. It would especially annoy me to know that the gf has another partner there that they could be sleeping with.

As a friend to Kelly I would be offering to sleep elsewhere since she doesn't get to see rider that often.

 

[PinkPig]

My opinion is that you both made assumptions. Neither assumption was wrong, inconsiderate, or pushy. They're just different. We all have different ways of relating to others, and different relationship styles. I think this is just one of those instances where your expectations don't line up with hers. Period. No one's to blame (except maybe Rider for not communicating his preferences to both of you... in advance.) Was her whining immature? Sure, but she was probably disappointed, too. As you've said, she sees him much less frequently than you and she was probably hoping to have more time to connect with him.

As for you feeling odd about her assuming you'd all sleep together... those are your feelings and you alone are responsible for those. Just like Kelly alone is responsible for her feelings and disappointment. Many people would expect it would be three in the bed (me & Blue for example.) Or, like inyourendo, that it would be Kelly & Rider in the bed, you on the futon. Others would have the same expectations as you.

Personally, I don't think anything needs to be said about it except to state your expectations clearly: "I don't routinely share my bed with metamours unless it's planned threesomes, or it happens organically. It's just my preference."

I'd just chalk this up as a communications breakdown

 

[Reverie]

Lady and I have had similar minor dust ups like this. We now schedule check in talk every so often to address it. She's my meta, she's my friend, she's my occasional threesome partner. I know we had to talk through sleeping preferences when I visited, how to manage cuddling and sexy times etc. And real was not always the most reliable communicator. It was easier and better for lady and I to work it out and then discuss our ideas about it all with him after we'd had our communications.

Scheduled check-in convos are not a bad idea at all. I am not sure if it will work for US, but I could bring it up. I think that having a scheduled "clear the air" time could take some of the awkwardness and pressure off of discussing tough things.

It seems like you're taking a lot of responsibility for Kelly's emotions. While it's good that you two are communicating about how she feels, it might be more useful to focus on what you need and let Kelly learn how to manage her expectations. It sounds like you need your space to be your space and to not have any obligations around new people entering it, and it sounds like you need/want some time to reconnect with Rider when you come back. If you're able to compromise and make space for Kelly on Sunday then that shows a lot of really good flexibility on your part, but is it worth getting frustrated/annoyed/irked/etc. over why Kelly is feeling this way?

This is all true, but I feel like I should make it clear that it's not a big issue at all. Things are running relatively smoothly and this was the only little snag/static that has occurred in almost two months. I would probably not bring it to her at all if it weren't that a) she's asked me to bring things to her when they make me uncomfortable, and b) Rider and I have a road trip planned for the fall that will include a weekend stop in her town, and I think the same issue might come up again then, so I just want to get all our ducks in a row.

I try to approach each night assuming that I will sleep wherever works best for the three people whose home it is. If I have a night where I'm feeling fragile or like I need some more physical affection I will voice that need, and then we will figure out how to meet it--which has been cuddles on said couch before saying goodnight to everyone.

See, this is the approach that makes the most sense to me. While I love to spoil and cater to guests, I like to see the sensitivity returned as well. I love to make food and drinks for people, and to take them to do things that are fun, and to make sure that they are comfortable and have a good time. But when the shoe is on the other foot and I am the guest, I try to make sure that my presence does not go too far in disrupting what my hosts are used to. If I know someone well enough that I am staying with them, I usually have an idea of what their daily rhythms are like, and I try to do my best to work within those parameters and to be extra judicious and solicitous about going outside of them. Your comment here made me realize that my own attitude of that is probably coloring my outlook here, for better or worse.

I'd also expect the visiting partner to share a bed with the hinge in those circumstances.

If I was driving several hours to spend the weekend with my close fwb I would expect that I would be sleeping in their bed with them.

This one's just a solid no for me. It's a special occasion, and lots of people are coming in from out of town and crashing everywhere, and it is important to me to be the other proton at the center of the atom with him, while the cloud of electrons that are all of our visitors whizz around us. I have only two people about whom I feel that way—that I am joined to them and can safely rely on them being at the center with me—and Rider is one of them. The other is Oona, my BFF; if we are ever at an event together, there are lots of interactions that happen with other people, but she and I have a certain kind of cement that sticks us together.

There have been times when we have scheduled a Kelly visit, for the purpose of them spending time together, and those times it is expected that she sleep with him and that they get some time alone. But in this case, she is one of many visitors, and he and I both want me to be at that center with him as much as is possible. He's even bemoaned that I have to leave for Saturday night—if everything went exactly as he wanted, she wouldn't even get a night alone with him because I'd be there the entire time.

As a friend to Kelly I would be offering to sleep elsewhere since she doesn't get to see rider that often.

I do consider her a friend. But I am also totally done with doing what I did during Rider's last relationship, which is advocating for my metamour and trying to put her needs and desires above my own. In the last situation, I tried to make sure that Claire got the things that I felt like she "deserved" due to her status with Rider, and all it ended up doing was prolonging a situation that got more and more unhealthy because I was driving the good that came through Rider to her, while left to his own devices, he wouldn't have thought of those things. I am not doing that any more. If I prefer to be with him, and he prefers to have me there, then that is that. If he wants to spend the night with her, then he will ask me for it, and we'll figure it out then.

It's not my job to step aside of my own volition when he is not asking me to. It's not my problem if he doesn't want that. That's between them, and I really have to keep my friendship with her separated by some degree from their relationship together and not meddle with it. I will talk to her about how I feel about things, because that is me+her things, but I will not try to project what I "should" do in him+her situations and then act accordingly.

There may be a time that comes that I will feel comfortable enough just being like, "Hey, you guys take my bed and I'll go sleep on the futon even though I spent last night on my mom's couch!" But today is not that day, and I am learning to move at the speed that makes things advance (albeit slowly), not at the speed that makes me push myself too hard and then freak out and retreat.

I think going forward, you have to be open about the true degree of couple privilege that has developed in your relationship and how that will impact on other relationships.

I guess that this is what I'm trying to do right now? I want to be super up-front about everything, and I don't want to put people in situations where they are blindsided by stuff. If we hadn't drunkenly discussed a threesome and then picked apart while sober the reasons that it actually wasn't a great idea, her expectation to sleep with us would have come up at the zero hour instead of well in advance where it could be discussed without a looming must-be-made-now decision. It would have been way worse than it currently is, which is a tiny bit of static in something that is otherwise running pretty smoothly. I want everyone to be aware of everything and have it all be opt-in, you know?

It's as if everyone should know that you are the default rather than Rider chooses to spend a lot of time with you.

Are the two necessarily mutually exclusive? I mean, not that everyone should magically know just by psychic superpowers, but it's easily discernible that we are very seriously involved. If we were invited to something with fancy invitations by anyone who knows us, it would have both of our names on it instead of "+1". It totally IS the running default that, unless we make other plans, we will be together—not just on my side, but on his as well. Not that either of us would balk if the other needed a night alone or to go do other things, but barring having a purpose, we'll be hanging out, and that's the way we like it. It's nice to know that there is someone to depend upon in that way. It wasn't always this way—for a while, Rider had another co-primary—but it's how it is right now.

It will likely change eventually, when either of us develops a strong enough interest in someone else that we want to rebalance things; we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and I expect it will be a whole new growth opportunity. For now, I figure we might as well enjoy the Pax Romana while it lasts.

ETA: I meant to include this, but it slipped my mind...

It would especially annoy me to know that the gf has another partner there that they could be sleeping with.

If you're referring to Sam, he actually prefers to sleep alone, to the point where if there is another time that I visit with him solo, I will probably go off to sleep in the other room by myself. I didn't always know this about him, but I figured it out pretty quick after our Christmas visit, and have been trying to respect it ever since, purposely avoiding situations that will "throw me in with him" without him having a choice in the matter. He's a strange one, but I love him anyway.

 

[Reverie]

My opinion is that you both made assumptions. Neither assumption was wrong, inconsiderate, or pushy. They're just different. We all have different ways of relating to others, and different relationship styles. I think this is just one of those instances where your expectations don't line up with hers. Period. No one's to blame (except maybe Rider for not communicating his preferences to both of you... in advance.) Was her whining immature? Sure, but she was probably disappointed, too. As you've said, she sees him much less frequently than you and she was probably hoping to have more time to connect with him.

As for you feeling odd about her assuming you'd all sleep together... those are your feelings and you alone are responsible for those. Just like Kelly alone is responsible for her feelings and disappointment. Many people would expect it would be three in the bed (me & Blue for example.) Or, like inyourendo, that it would be Kelly & Rider in the bed, you on the futon. Others would have the same expectations as you.

Personally, I don't think anything needs to be said about it except to state your expectations clearly: "I don't routinely share my bed with metamours unless it's planned threesomes, or it happens organically. It's just my preference."

I'd just chalk this up as a communications breakdown

Yeah, this is a good point. And it's not a super big deal. Do you think it is maybe not even worth bringing up to her again at all, then, since we've already discussed the miscommunication aspect? I was really only feeling like I should say something because I'd told her I would if she did anything that made me feel weird. She'd asked me to. My natural inclination would be to just let it go, but I felt like integrity demanded that I say something if I said I would. What do you think, PinkPig?