It's a Texlahoma Story

[Hannahfluke]

I guess I just feel like I'm cherry picking the parts of a "relationship" that I want, and discarding the rest, and that it's unfair of me to do that. Dag still talks about apartments, and I'm not up for that, even though I think it would make him really happy. So do I get to expect birthday stuff just because it's important to *me*, when I'm not necessarily willing to do something just because it's important to *him*? It's just hard for me - I tend to have the same expectations for boyfriends/FWBs as for other friends - but I feel like in some areas Dag expects a lot more, and in others a lot less

All expectations are not equal. Expecting someone you love to acknowledge your birthday more than just in passing is not an expectation on the same level as signing a lease and paying money every month for an apartment together. The birthday expectation isn't going to be an ongoing expense, it's one day out of the year, in short, it's not a hard expectation to fulfill. The apartment is an ongoing expense, it is there everyday, regardless of if you're actually at the apartment every day, it requires you to regularly shift resources from other things that are important to you in order to keep paying for it. All of that so you'll have a place to go how often? The only way a shared apartment with Dag would make sense in my mind was if you were splitting your time fairly evenly between partners, which you aren't and don't want to.

 

[icesong]

On the other hand, if Dag is talking about apartments it's a pretty firm sign that he's committed to building something permanent with you, and expressing it his way. I mean, to me that's a FAR more telling thing than a birthday.

(But then I am firmly NOT in the celebrate birthdays camp, so there's that.)

 

[OnceAndFuture]

I suppose though if Dag is talking apartments, that's all the more reason to want to be able to communicate on issues such as birthdays. Or more general expectations. The apartment alone won't change that (much as some of my gender would like to think, changes like that require more communication, not less).

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

The apartment thing just drives me up the wall, honestly

Dag thinks that it would save money and increase our time together. But the "save money" only works out if we give up not just hotels, but also eating out, movies, booze, etc. We could maybe save $50 a month if we never did anything but sit in our unfurnished apartment and eat ramen noodles. Maybe. If we never turned on the lights or the air conditioning.

As for more time... I just don't see it. I work with kids. On the rare days I can actually escape at lunch, I'm not going to be up for a quickie. And it's *Dag* who's busy most evenings, with kid stuff or work. We have my house and the lake place that we can use anytime. I know they're both a drive for Dag, but I really don't think having someplace 20 minutes closer is going to make more evenings a possibility.

I've talked to Dag about this, and he gets it, but he still likes to talk about it. A lot. He just enjoys daydreaming and fantasizing about stuff, even if it will probably never happen. I'm the opposite. If I'm talking about something, I'm serious about doing it.

We've actually devised a code phrase we can say to communicate that something is *just a daydream*, so that we stay on the same page about what's real and what's fantasy. Seems to help. I don't mind playing along with the what-ifs, but I need that reminder that I don't have to panic about how to make it actually happen!

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

My hormones are just out of control, so apologies if this post is a rambling mess...

For those who don't read the LSB Weight Loss thread, I decided to see what would happen if I actually took the placebo week of pills in my birth control pack instead of skipping periods entirely. I've lost 4 pounds of water (???) weight. All I do is cry. I cry at pictures of cute dogs on Facebook. I cry at not-even-sad songs. I actually stood in the grocery store crying today, because I was so touched by all the people choosing food for their loved ones.

And of course, I cry about how much I suck at being poly. I look at Andy and I think, how are you so fucking good at this? It's not fair!!!

Dag wants to go out Friday, and I ... I'd rather go to the lake with Andy, or do something with K and R, or sit home and stare at my dogs and eat salty things and cry. Partly because I'm still kinda hurt about the birthday stuff, and partly because I'm moody and sad in general. But I feel somehow *obligated* to go out with Dag. We haven't seen each other since last Thursday, we haven't had sex in a couple of weeks. If I don't go, then I'm a shitty failure of a girlfriend.

I hate this feeling.

And honestly, this feeling is why I don't even want to say anything to Dag about the whole birthday thing. I don't want him to feel like he owes me a birthday celebration. If he had *wanted* to do something, that would have been wonderful. But I don't want to set up this "we owe each other x,y,z" thing. Because I already stress enough about feeling like I owe him stuff.

I'm tired of thinking constantly about what Dag wants, what Dag needs. I want to think about myself. I want to just do the things I want to do, with the people I want to do them with, and if it works out that I see Dag more or less, I want that to be ok. But I feel like such a stinking failure for thinking that way.

I've seen others here talk about what their dream poly situation would look like. Mine wouldn't be that different from what I have now. I'd still be married to Andy and spending the vast majority of my time with him. I'm fine with how he handles his friend-girl relationships. I just wish I could have something more like what he has. Somehow he manages to have these deep emotional connections with Steph and Anna-Louise, but without any of the pressure I feel with Dag. I'm envious of that.

 

[Reverie]

Didn't you say that Andy's friend-girls started off as just friendships that then grew into something else? Is that how things started with you and Dag, or was that "dating"? That might explain it...

I've realized that, for me, my best connections outside of Rider have been Jake and Sam—Jake being someone I have been friends with since high school, and Sam being Rider's best friend who he's been friends with since college. I got to know Sam for a few months with nothing other than friendship being on the table, and I think that's what makes the difference.

That's how my relationship with Rider started, too.

But every single attempt I've made at "dating" without a friendship already in place has been TERRIBLE. OKC has been especially fruitless. Even the time I met someone IRL first and was really attracted to them (Beckett), despite starting to fall for him, I was a neurotic mess about the situation—with good reason, as he ended it.

It seems like I can feel something else grow out of friendship even if there's no initial attraction, and even if it takes YEARS, but if I happen to jump into dating before friendship is established then there isn't enough there besides possible sexual attraction. YMMV, but that's been my experience. For right now, I've kinda sworn off "dating" but I'm still making friends through my friends group. Who knows if any of those connections might turn into something else in the next five months to five years. LOL

 

[IndieSolo]

Maybe Dag isn't the one for you to be in this kind of relationship with. Maybe your relationship with Dag is heading to a natural end.

Or you could stop being so hard on yourself to live up to some expectations that you are imagining you're supposed to meet.

Or both.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Didn't you say that Andy's friend-girls started off as just friendships that then grew into something else? Is that how things started with you and Dag, or was that "dating"? That might explain it...

Yeah, very good point. Anna-Louise was a friend for years before she was a more-than-friend, and Steph has been platonic BFF, girlfriend, and everything in between in their 25 years together. And I met Dag online... So yes, from the start it was dating, boyfriend-girlfriend, etc.

That's how my relationship with Rider started, too.

Mine with Andy, too We were friends for a couple of years before we got together.

Come to think of it, when I was single, I never dated anyone I wasn't already friends with. Even my first poly guy was a friend of ours (and that was awesome until his wife called it off).

That's such a sad thought, though, that "dating" doesn't work. Well, it is for me, because all my male friends and friends-of-friends are either mono and taken, or not my type, or gay

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Or you could stop being so hard on yourself to live up to some expectations that you are imagining you're supposed to meet.

I would give anything to be able to do that, but I don't know how

 

[IndieSolo]

I would give anything to be able to do that, but I don't know how

Well, you already know it's an unrealistic expectation you place on yourself. So, when that thought comes up, you look at it and say, "Huh, there's that thought again." And don't pay it any credence. It's just a thought. We all have the same thoughts billions of times a day, every day, and we can't stop them but we can let them be just a part of the wallpaper in the background and not something we invest in. It's your choice not to invest in those expectations, your choice not to let yourself get wrapped up in them and feeling bad about yourself. What is tripping you up right now is the importance and weight you ascribe to these thoughts, and you are making them mean something. They don't have to mean anything at all. Remind yourself, "Oh, it's just a thought," and let it float on by. Eventually, those self-deprecating and self-limiting thoughts will surface less often until you hardly notice them anymore.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Well, you already know it's an unrealistic expectation you place on yourself.

I guess I don't really know that, deep down. I mean, I can see that I'm the one creating the expectation, that it's all in my head. But - unrealistic? I look around this board and pretty much everyone but me manages it.

I don't think it's Dag, or even the combination of me+Dag. I think it's me. I can't handle the kind of relationship I think is "right", and I can't believe that what I do want is acceptable, or that I'd ever find anyone who was ok with it

In my dream world, I'd have a FWB, or two or three, who were real friends, not just with me but also with Andy and my friends. We'd text and talk on the phone and email a lot, but only see each other when it really worked for both of us. No blowing off other stuff just to log a certain number of hours together. Sometimes we'd just hang out, alone or with others. Sometimes we'd have sex. But again, only when it really worked. If we had the house to ourselves, or time to go up to the lake, or if we *wanted* to splurge on a night away. No feeling like I can't buy this or that because of a $$$ weekly hotel budget.

But I don't feel like that's ok. It's too hierarchical. It's not fair to the hypothetical dudes to expect them to befriend my husband and my weirdo friends. It's not right to enter into relationships when you have no intention of prioritizing the person or accepting that they might need a certain amount of time, affection, and attention.

I don't want one night stands or a NSA fuck buddy. I want something with love and tenderness and friendship and connection. But that comes with the price of making that person a priority, and that means having to shortchange other parts of my life. So I feel stuck.

ETA: Sometimes I think a more open poly would be the answer. That if Dag had at least the option of getting time/affection/attention from others, I would feel less guilty saying no to him or prioritizing other things. But I worry that's just wishful thinking on my part. And it's kind of a moot point because he won't even talk about it

 

[IndieSolo]

These are the expectations I am talking about:

. . . I suck at being poly. I look at Andy and I think, how are you so fucking good at this? It's not fair!!!

Dag wants to go out Friday, and I ... I'd rather go to the lake with Andy, or do something with K and R, or sit home and stare at my dogs and eat salty things and cry. Partly because I'm still kinda hurt about the birthday stuff, and partly because I'm moody and sad in general. But I feel somehow *obligated* to go out with Dag. We haven't seen each other since last Thursday, we haven't had sex in a couple of weeks. If I don't go, then I'm a shitty failure of a girlfriend.

. . . I'm tired of thinking constantly about what Dag wants, what Dag needs. I want to think about myself. I want to just do the things I want to do, with the people I want to do them with, and if it works out that I see Dag more or less, I want that to be ok. But I feel like such a stinking failure for thinking that way.

. . . No feeling like I can't buy this or that because of a $$$ weekly hotel budget.

But I don't feel like that's ok. It's too hierarchical. It's not fair to the hypothetical dudes to expect them to befriend my husband and my weirdo friends. It's not right to enter into relationships when you have no intention of prioritizing the person or accepting that they might need a certain amount of time, affection, and attention.

You think you are expected to say yes when you'd rather say no.

You expect that you should be better "at poly" than you are.

You think your relationship with Dag or anyone else should work as easily and smoothly as you perceive Andy's do, or you aren't doing it right.

You somehow believe you have to put on this performance of Perfect Girlfriend that you also imagine you will never live up to (and despite Dag telling you many times that he's happy with just the way things are, you still won't believe that you are doing poly just fine).

You don't think you have a right to determine your own schedule and just put it out there in the world to see who can fit into it.

You think that you are expected to run to Dag at the hotel whenever he wants you to.

You think you are a shitty girlfriend if you prefer to do something else or take time for yourself.

You think that it's selfish if you prioritize things and people in your life, like anyone does, but somehow that is hierarchical and wrong.

Oddly enough, you don't want Dag to feel obligated to you, even though you feel obligated to him.

You really do a number on yourself. But like I said earlier, you are getting caught up in these thoughts and giving them validity instead of understanding thus is part of some belief system you developed about yourself. My guess is that if it wasn't polyamory, it would be something else. There is a script running that says something like "Claire is just a fuck-up underneath it all," or "Claire never gets anything right," or "Everybody else knows how to do this but Claire." Any of that sound familiar?

. . . Somehow he manages to have these deep emotional connections with Steph and Anna-Louise, but without any of the pressure I feel with Dag. I'm envious of that.

Have you ever asked Steph and Anna-Louise how they see it from their sides? As in telling them how you don't quite believe you are able to meet Dag's needs and you'd like some insight from them on how and why their non-primary/non-nesting/non-escalator relationships (or whatver you want to call them) work for them?

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I can't handle the kind of relationship I think is "right", and I can't believe that what I do want is acceptable, or that I'd ever find anyone who was ok with it

This - this is ultimately what stopped me from deciding that poly was something I wanted to actively do.

I could very easily make time for more than one relationship. I work part-time, close to my home and earn enough money doing that to not need to look for additional income. I have plenty of time to fit in more than one relationship. Or to have a relationship and a few FWBs. Or to just have FWB type arrangements without the relationship.

The reason I don't do that is because I have other things I want to spend my time and energy on and I don't want to compromise those things. By my own choice, I won't make the space to have additional sexual relationships in a way that I feel okay about.

When I was completely single, I eventually decided not to seek FWBs any longer because it was too time consuming and because sex so often seems to turn things into something else - a friendship with extra requirements and I just didn't have the time or energy for that. Doing without sex at that time was the lesser of two evils.

My partner and I got together during a period of time when I briefly had had a time sucking commitment end and before I filled that hole with other commitments. He and I were old friends and I think had we not been, it would never have turned into a relationship.

Having said that, I think that you manage just fine. Neither Andy or Dag seem to be short changed. Instead, it is yourself that you seem to compromise. I hope you can come up with a way to figure out how to have an easier time of it.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

You really do a number on yourself. But like I said earlier, you are getting caught up in these thoughts and giving them validity instead of understanding thus is part of some belief system you developed about yourself. My guess is that if it wasn't polyamory, it would be something else. There is a script running that says something like "Claire is just a fuck-up underneath it all," or "Claire never gets anything right," or "Everybody else knows how to do this but Claire." Any of that sound familiar?

Actually, no. I fall way more on the "micromanaging everything because I don't trust other people to do as good of a job as me" end of the spectrum. I'm the only Ivy League grad I know who *doesnt* have Imposter Syndrome. I have always felt that I can succeed at anything if I put in the effort. I know I'm not perfect - I overthink things, I stress too much, I put everyone's needs before my own - but in general I'm good with me.

But all this...

These are the expectations I am talking about:

You think you are expected to say yes when you'd rather say no.

You expect that you should be better "at poly" than you are.

You think your relationship with Dag or anyone else should work as easily and smoothly as you perceive Andy's do, or you aren't doing it right.

You somehow believe you have to put on this performance of Perfect Girlfriend that you also imagine you will never live up to (and despite Dag telling you many times that he's happy with just the way things are, you still won't believe that you are doing poly just fine).

You don't think you have a right to determine your own schedule and just put it out there in the world to see who can fit into it.

You think that you are expected to run to Dag at the hotel whenever he wants you to.

You think you are a shitty girlfriend if you prefer to do something else or take time for yourself.

You think that it's selfish if you prioritize things and people in your life, like anyone does, but somehow that is hierarchical and wrong.

Oddly enough, you don't want Dag to feel obligated to you, even though you feel obligated to him.

... is completely true.

This relationship throws me for a loop because it is the first time in my life I have felt like a failure. In a way I feel like I was set up to fail. I don't see how anyone can be a "good partner" with only a few hours a week to work with. But dammit I'll try.

I don't know what "success" would even look like. I have basically girlfriend-ed my ass off for 18 months, and yup, I did well enough that the guy wants an apartment together and all my Friday nights. But I can't have those things without fucking up my marriage. And my progress on the lake house. And my bank account. So there's no win. There's just choosing where I want to fail.

I have never felt like this before, like I can't win no matter how hard I try. I get up at 5 am every day so I can walk the dogs, make Andy breakfast, and still get to work early enough that I can leave mid afternoon. Which gives me time to do all my errands, keep my house and yard perfect, and still have my evenings free for workouts, friend time, Andy time. And it's all worth it, because I am happy making other people happy. This morning Andy gave me a big bear hug, called me the best wife ever, and thanked me for making him breakfast. That was the best moment.

But with Dag? I don't get that "I'm doing a good job" feeling I get in all other parts of my life. I feel like everything I do just highlights how much I don't do. It never feels like I'm doing enough, no matter how hard I try. But how can I do enough in this situation? Dag talks about wanting more overnights, and Andy is super supportive. But when I suggest one, Dag is always too busy with kid stuff the next morning to spend the night. I can't fix that.

So I daydream about being no strings, no obligations, no pressure. But I'll be honest, that feels to me like giving up. Like I had the chance to be the girlfriend but I couldn't hack it, so I'm getting demoted. Even though I might be the one making the choice, it still seems like admitting defeat. Because I feel like I signed up to be more than just a FWB. I agreed to be the girlfriend, I wanted to be. I really still want to give Dag what he wants and needs, but I just try and try and I can't.

 

[Tinwen]

I have never felt like this before, like I can't win no matter how hard I try. I get up at 5 am every day so I can walk the dogs, make Andy breakfast, and still get to work early enough that I can leave mid afternoon. Which gives me time to do all my errands, keep my house and yard perfect, and still have my evenings free for workouts, friend time, Andy time. And it's all worth it, because I am happy making other people happy. This morning Andy gave me a big bear hug, called me the best wife ever, and thanked me for making him breakfast. That was the best moment.

You're a superwoman, when the hack do you sleep?

Dag wants to go out Friday, and I ... I'd rather go to the lake with Andy, or do something with K and R, or sit home and stare at my dogs and eat salty things and cry. Partly because I'm still kinda hurt about the birthday stuff, and partly because I'm moody and sad in general. But I feel somehow *obligated* to go out with Dag. We haven't seen each other since last Thursday, we haven't had sex in a couple of weeks. If I don't go, then I'm a shitty failure of a girlfriend.

I hate this feeling.

I remember a similar feeling of obligation vividly.
I had that with my first bf, whom I dated in high-school. I started college, I was kind of overwhelmed with school stuff, so we met less until he was unhappy with it. Besides I was depressed, and I felt like he didn't understand at all what I was going through. The last year somehow anytime we met we ended up in bed, like, sex was still working well but we had nearly nothing else in common any more.
Then he moved an hour further away. I was suddenly supposed to go visit him away and spend afternoons or weekends. I felt obligated to the relationship, but I didn't look forward to our meetings any more.
I had a hobby and attended a club once a week. He started to question that on a few occasions. I went like WTF you ask me to give up this time??? It didn't take me too long to break up.
I never had a thought of regret over this one. I missed him on occasions, sure, but it was the best decision of my life not to dream about a future with him. I didn't love that guy any more. If I would, I could have thought about activities to enjoy together, that would give me energy instead of drain me - not just mediocre ok we have a date let's go for a walk. I would have *wanted* to make time for him, to some extent at least.

Looking at the discrepancy between how you feel about Dag vs. Andy, or better Dag vs. your friends, is it possible, that you simply do not enjoy him any more?

With my second bf, things were much more difficult, but the feeling of obligation was present too. I still loved him, but I felt terribly imprisoned when fell in love with Idealist. I felt so terribly obligated to stay in the relationship, because that's what a good girlfriend does, and like a really, really bad person for not being able to stay monogamous. I felt those were obligations somehow imposed on me by him.
Looking back, I should not have taken these on. I should have told my ex to get out and just continue with Idealist months earlier. Relationships break under obligations.

I'm tired of thinking constantly about what Dag wants, what Dag needs. I want to think about myself. I want to just do the things I want to do, with the people I want to do them with, and if it works out that I see Dag more or less, I want that to be ok. But I feel like such a stinking failure for thinking that way.

But maybe you do love him and want him, you just need to stand more firmly for your needs. He does it, no? He won't stay overnights, he cancels dates, because he has kids stuff or work or whatever. Feel free to do the same. Will this amount to a soft break-up or to more freedom and happyness? I don't know.

BTW if I was angry about the birthday thing, I would sure tell him I wanted more. You could tell him you want Friday to be a birthday date then. I am quite sure he will be like "oh sorry, that's a great idea, do you want to go for dinner?"

 

[PinkPig]

But how can I do enough in this situation? Dag talks about wanting more overnights, and Andy is super supportive. But when I suggest one, Dag is always too busy with kid stuff the next morning to spend the night. I can't fix that.

There's nothing for you to fix there. He's the one who isn't making the choices he needs to make in order to prioritize the things he supposedly wants. That's his job, not yours. Honestly, it sounds more like he dreams about those things, but they're really not what he wants right now. Or, he'd prioritize and make it work...if not with you, with someone else. Cut yourself some slack and let go of his dreams and expectations! It is NOT your job to make them come true!

Looking at the discrepancy between how you feel about Dag vs. Andy, or better Dag vs. your friends, is it possible, that you simply do not enjoy him any more?

I agree with Tinwen. This may be a case of the relationship just drawing to it's inevitable conclusion...not necessarily someone's fault. Not a failure. Just what the vast majority of romantic relationships eventually do!

I also agree with Tinwen that when other people rely on us to make them happy (or we feel like that's what's happening...because sometimes it's just our perception), it can be emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. In the process, it sucks all the joy out of the relationship. I also think this can happen when our needs/wants do not align with the needs/wants of our partner and we try to force ourselves to fit in the mold of what they want/need in a relationship. (As opposed to realizing that it's time for the relationship to transition to something other than romantic/sexual partner.)

Maybe try prioritizing yourself and see if that alleviates some of the pressure? Like Tinwen said, it could result in a soft break...or it could result in a lower pressure relationship. Either way, in the long-run, it will result in a less stressed, happier Claire

 

[breathemusic]

I agree with what the others are saying regarding him saying he wants X (like more overnights) doesn't mean that it's on you to fix that. He might not necessarily be saying "this is a problem for me" just expressing a desire, even if he knows it's not a realistic one. I want ice cream like twice a day, but that doesn't mean that I actually expect to eat ice cream twice a day, and me saying that to people doesn't mean I expect them to go get me ice cream. You're making his wants your problem to fix, and it's not. It's his problem to either prioritize and make work, or realize it's not the priority and know that it's just a want that can't really be fulfilled.

I think you're probably the only one who feels like you're failing the relationship and are just being waaaaay too hard on yourself! Just enjoy having fun with Dag when both of you want/are able to!

 

[OnceAndFuture]

I agree with everyone here that "happy Claire" should be the desired outcome of whatever happens. Whatever steps you take from here on out, they should be directed towards the goal of making your life more enjoyable. Everyone here knows you've been spending so much time and effort to make the lives of others in your life more enjoyable, and it's only right that you should be able to expend some of your (boundless!) energy on your own happiness.

I also agree concerning Dag and overnights--if it's a priority for him, he needs to make it his priority, not yours. I'm learning that if I need something in my relationship (s) I'm going to have to be the one to go out and get it, and not spend time wistfully hoping others will take my hints and suggestions. Dag needs to learn that...or be taught it. I wouldn't be shouting "deal breaker" over this but it is important because it's important to you.

Also, if I asked The Signal to make breakfast for me at 5 am I'd get a lap full of bacon grease. I can make my own breakfast without causing thousands of dollars in fire damage and I'm sure Andy though he shares my gender can do the same on occasion. This sounds like a chore that rankles at you.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I get up at 5 am every day so I can walk the dogs, make Andy breakfast, and still get to work early enough that I can leave mid afternoon. Which gives me time to do all my errands, keep my house and yard perfect, and still have my evenings free for workouts, friend time, Andy time. And it's all worth it, because I am happy making other people happy. This morning Andy gave me a big bear hug, called me the best wife ever, and thanked me for making him breakfast. That was the best moment.

Wow. I feel knackered just reading that. Do you ever do stuff just for you?

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Thanks everyone for the advice and support I needed it today!

I do need to work on not feeling like I am I solely responsible for making Dag happy and making our relationship work. It's a tough one for me, but I'm just girlfriend-ed out right now. I don't feel like I need a break from Dag - but I need a break from the pressure I have put on myself to be The Perfect Girlfriend.

This morning I told him I was going up to the lake Friday, but free tonight if he wanted to go out. He said he'd like that... But texted later that hotels are crazy expensive today. (DFW is mostly a business travel place, hotels are $250 a night during the work week, but drop to $100 on Friday and Saturday nights ) I offered up the lake place, we could bring up food and beer and hang there. He said it's too far a drive and he can't be out that late. So I start checking every hotel I can think of looking for an affordable room.

And then I'm like, wtf am I doing? I offered one reasonable solution. Actually two, since I also told him I was fine with just happy hour and not getting a room at all. That's enough. I don't have to spend my lunch break fixing this.

Being the fixer is a hard habit to break. Especially since in most cases I really like being able to fix things and help people. Like making Andy's breakfast. That makes him feel cared for, and me feel needed, and it's an all around good thing that's totally worth the ten minutes out of my morning. (Ok, 20 minutes... I, um, also pack his lunch and a day's worth of snacks )

I am just tapped out right now because unlike most things, the "Dag stuff" I do doesn't seem to accomplish anything or make a difference. And it also competes with my other responsibilities. I can offer to take K's kids for a day, and know that Andy will be thrilled to have them too, and it will be great for all the people involved. I get to be a good friend, good "aunt", and good wife all at once. But despite the fact that Dag and Andy get along, my relationship with Dag still requires a lot of alone time -which I get !!! I do!!! - that takes away from the rest of my life.

Infinite Possibility - yeah, I read these posts over and I see that I spend like 90% of my day helping others. Even my job is a "helping" job, and most of my reading is work-related. Hmmm. I run and do yoga and Pilates! My workouts are just for me. Sometimes I go up to the lake place with just the dogs and build stone walls by myself.

And I goof around on this forum - you guys are my me-time