Recent content by Becca

Just a quick comment— I’m bi. I tend to have anonymous sex dreams about people who have a very different gender than the person I’m spending the most time with. The dreams may not be *that* meaningful.

I'm so sorry these people turned out to be such jerks. If you ever feel drawn to that sort of relationship structure (dating a couple, or dating a man who is married to someone else, a "V"), keep in mind that there are a lot more of them looking for a girlfriend, than there are people like...

It sounds like your husband bases his ability to handle jealousy and all the challenges of an open relationship solely on his own sexual fantasy. That's really precarious, because there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality. He may already feel that crumbling, since he's trying to...

It's important to recognize that, while she is the one asking him to limit his time and energy with you, he is the one who has chosen to do so. He is the one who is failing to meet your relationship needs, while sabotaging your dates with potential new partners. Why waste any more time with him...

If it becomes a problem again, consider hiring a lawyer to write a cease and desist letter. You can ask around and find a lawyer who is sensitive to your culture/community. And in some places, a lawyer is far more effective at getting a protective order than the police. Where I live in the US...

While NRE lasts a different duration for different people, a good rule of thumb is 6 months. You're nowhere close to that. Can you find a routine to get into until then, and see how you feel when you're more clear headed. I'm bi, but when I'm deep in love with a woman, I feel mostly gay...

I understand that you have anxiety about losing her. But from some of your comments, it does sound like she is in a sort of secondary place. You're out to friends but not family-- and you don't comment on whether she's out to her family. So she doesn't participate in the community status that a...

I am in the camp that believes that DADT often leads to train wrecks. Certainly not always, but often. But I disagree with Ravenscroft. I don't think that a DADT agreement automatically excludes a relationship from the definition of poly. As alien as it is to the way I would ever conduct a...

You're breaking free of a lot of bad relationships and bad patterns. It might benefit you to have an experience where you don't have a primary relationship, where you learn to depend on yourself, where friends and lovers enrich your life, but you meet your own needs. And it sounds like this guy...

My two cents-- I was poly for many years before shifting to mono. One big reason for that is I want a family, and I want a co-parent whose time and energy are not divided between my home and other partners. That's just what mattered to me.

Biting, or being nonconsensually violent in any way, is a huge red flag. It's a big deal that you did this, and therapy is a really good idea-- to find a safe space to address the unhappiness you're feeling, and the abusive way you're lashing out.

I found a nesting partner after being solo poly, but it's with someone who decided for herself that she didn't want to be poly any more, and I wasn't getting my needs met with poly, so... we're happily monogamous now. (And we met in a leather bar and originally only intended to have casual fun...

If your BF is falling for a local girl, who is presumably monogamous, and he isn't telling her about you... He may be planning to end your long-distance relationship in order to focus on her, and not to out himself as poly to her. If that's the case, he should have the courage to tell you that...

Ugh. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. How can you make space for potential primary partner when Idealist has such toxic ideas about how he should control your other relationships? It leaves a bad taste for me, mainly because it reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. I never agreed to his requests...

I also want to point out that conventional notions of attractiveness can be kind of problematic. For some, blonde hair, blue eyes, slender nose, small mouth is presumed attractive, but these are all racially loaded characteristics, promoting "whiteness" as attractive. Well-tailored clothes...