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Those were actually his words and "blame," not mine. I described how I've seen some of what he was talking about, and I really have watched that dynamic in play of his friends trying to get him to make poor choices, but I do know that at the end of the day, he's an adult and the final decision...

Last night with Dustin was pretty good. We made some plans that revolved around popping in to see Ayuki at her body-painting thing. It was from 8–10, and I got out of work around 5:30, so we came up with some other stuff to do in between. He picked me up and we went to happy hour at a place...

I definitely should have Rider take a peek at it. He was supposed to be still reading that book, but he hasn't mentioned it in a while. I'll check in with him on it. Cucumbers? I don't think I know that idiom . . . It's not just work and the cats, really. We do still talk about music and...

Yeah, that's the part that really confuses me. It's less that he doesn't want to know, I think, and more that he doesn't want me to have finished the show with Dustin in the first place. He said it's "lame" and it would be "cool if we could have finished it together." He seemed to think it...

Things between me and Rider are still pretty good right now. Last night we still mostly steered away from processing, though we did have a little "thing" where he was upset over poly TV things. He'd known before (and been OK with it) that I was watching the same show with him and Dustin. I...

While searching for something else in this blog, I stumbled upon two posts from nearly three years ago. One is me picking apart some feelings about jealousy and specialness, and the other is a letter to Rider relating to that. These were the parts that jumped out at me: Holy shit, if that is...

For some reason I am obsessed with Dustin today. It's been a rough, busy day at work, but it's all I can do to not spend the entire day creeping through his Facebook photos. I shot these two videos last night and he's playing bass and kind of dancing around, and, when I watch them, my heart...

I did not end up staying in last night after all. Watching Dustin get ready to play his show enticed me too much. He was wearing a thin white t-shirt with an extra wide collar opening, showing off just a bit of his chest hair, well-fitting jeans, an army jacket, and the shoes he calls his...

So far, I really like it! It's making me pause to think a lot.

This is something that I recently learned about myself too. It's actually something I've had to learn over and over, but I think it finally stuck recently: I fall fast and hard if I really like someone, and the people who are more "keep someone at arm's length for a while" end up being a poor...

Thanks, everyone, for the continued replies. There's a lot of gold in this thread! I'm going to take some downtime during my upcoming travels to really mine it and get some related reading done. :)

Thanks, everyone, for your support, input, and perspective. We seem to have (at least for the moment) turned things around. I decided when I woke up Saturday morning, before I even opened my eyes, that I was going to scrap the processing for the next little while and just focus on basically...

Rider basically shredded me tonight. I don't think he meant to, but he did. It started off when we were halfway through our first roll at sushi, and I was happy to see him and lightheartedly chattering about life. "The lady about the plant volunteer thing wrote me back. They're actually having...

OMG, yes. It was perfection and peacefulness. Cool that we were looking at the moon in the same way that night. :)

(. . . continued from previous) I woke up to a message from Rider saying he'd had a lovely night, and he hoped mine had been good too, and he loves me and can't wait to see me. It made me feel better. However, when I got him on IM, he told me he had something to talk to me about. He said that...

Last night was fine. Rider messaged me shortly before his date thanking me for talking with him and saying he actually felt a lot better. Maybe the stuff I said sank in. I actually didn't see the message for a while. During our earlier conversation, Rider had asked me if I would talk to Dustin...

So I'm still at the office because Dustin had rehearsal tonight and offered me the options of coming with him, getting back to his house on my own, or staying and working late till he can pick me up. I originally really wanted to come with him and sit in on the rehearsal, but I had a ton of...

The anger has passed and now I just feel sad. I'm sad that the person who used to tell me everything is now leaving important info out and doesn't think that's even weird. I'm sad that he doesn't recognize that he's special enough to me that my experience with him doing a thing is valuable to...

I need a vent. 1. Rider finally told me about his weekend, and it turns out he made out with that chick on Saturday night. That does not bother me. What does bother me is that he waited five days and my all but prying the story of his weekend out of him (this was request #5) before telling me...

Thanks, I will check the talk out for sure! God, I would love to have my own bedroom. Sadly, the rent here is so high that we can't really afford a two-bedroom right now. If I ever end up having to move out on my own, I'd need to find a roommate situation in someone's rent-controlled house or...