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This is actually REALLY helpful to hear when I'm doubting my own intuition about this so deeply.

Even though I would be relieved if Alex left me, deep down I know that will never happen. I'd really have to do something terrible to make that happen, and I'm not willing to hurt her and my integrity that way. I know I have to do the right and strong thing, even if it is much, much harder for...

struggling to leave...still I went and read your story, and I feel like I could have written those words myself. The part about trying unsuccessfully to leave over and over again, not writing in my personal journal because I am so sick of myself... I try not to talk to friends about it...

meltdown! maybe i should have seen this coming, but i am seriously feeling like i am having some kind of meltdown. to update this thread, i am still with alex, trying to work out what non-monogamy/polyamory means to me/us and she is struggling with some intense jealousy and feelings of...

I did a pretty good job with this last week if I do say so myself. I probably did give away a little bit too much of my disappointment, and even made reference to the fact that my intuition was telling me things were going to be changing fast (which it is!) and actually even though I'm a little...

Thanks MeeraReed, I have been sitting with your post all weekend and somewhere deep down I know you are right. I have felt distracted, unable to concentrate at work, depressed, irritable. Alex has attributed this to all the other stressful things going on in my life, and I haven't had the heart...

So sam just cancelled a playdate with me for the first time ever. Her long distance lover is coming into town spontaneously and sam feels like it would be disrespectful to keep her date with me since this woman is coming from so far away. I feel a little disappointed that she would cancel our...

hmm, that is some super interesting feedback. i definitely have noticed that my body was more energized when i was convinced i would break up with her, and now i feel more anxious/tired. but i have been attributing it to just the hard work that comes with long-term relationships, thinking that...

thanks for asking the hard questions, annabel. you're right in that alex does mkae passive aggressive remarks and seems to get some kind of solace from hearing from her friends that she's a rock star for hanging in there through this. she also has been working hard and at a faster pace than i...

you are totally right. i do have the tendency to feel like the "fucked up one", especially since i'm the one with the chaotic childhood, lack of models for successful relationships, etc and the one asking for change in our relationship. i also feel like i have been portrayed as the "difficult...

Hey all, just wanted to give an update in case anyone is curious. I attempted to break up with Alex last Tuesday, and we agreed on a trial separation. However, over the past week as we have been trying to figure out what that would look like and what we would be trying to accomplish, we have...

I think these simplistic, dichotomizing statements say much more about your assumptions than reveal anything about the poly community. (Or better yet, the poly communities, as I am learning.)

i think you are right, rp. just for the record, sam, alex, and i are all queer females ;)

just for the record, i DO know it is possible to be independent and in a committed relationship, i just don't know that it is possible for me right now (given my current issues and work to do) to be in a relationship with Alex (given our history and dynamic) and get both my need for independence...

wow, there is so much to think about here. i really love getting all this direct feedback so i will say it again: thank you so much. something about annabelmore giving me permission to leave did strike a chord with me. i have read that post over and over again. i have been heavy with guilt...

I am really struggling with how to arrive at this level of clarity. I feel like I have been wrestling with ambivalence for so long. Its really getting exhausting for both me and Alex (and sometimes I imagine also for our friends who are supports for us). I love her and she loves me (probably to...

Ah, okay, I think I get it. Thanks, I will keep trying it out. And just as an aside, I have been scoping out this forum and found your blog and just really love your writing style and the way you think about things. Really happy to be here among people who think deeply about relationships and...

Hmmm let's see... I have felt anxiously ambivalent about my relationship with Alex for almost a year and this feeling is intensifying...and this is what I want. I am terrified to leave her yet feel depressed and suffocated when I think about staying...and this is what I want. I feel controlled...

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words, Magdlyn. You have given me a lot to think about. I love you analogy of the slow burning fire, and I have certainly felt those benefits of LTRs in my varied experiences with partners (you are right about my age). Even with exes who turned into my...

thanks, nycindie. (you are really good at this! i feel so grateful.) it's completely true, i do have a pattern of feeling this way in relationships. i end up feeling suffocated, compromised, trapped, and guilty. it is totally familiar. i have been looking at this and trying to just...