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Yeah, for real, because fuck me, I just looked it up and it's like $900 for that paternity test! I read it was expensive but that's absurd! Who pays for the paternity test in a poly situation? Logic would dictate that unless it's a close poly network with a strong sense of family or brotherhood...

In other mild-so-far freakouts. So, like, after all the talk of pregnancy on this thread lately, my period has decided to basically not fully arrive? I've just been spotting brown stuff for a few days—haven't even needed my diva cup, only a pantiliner, which is super weird because, in part due...

He's an Aquarius.

I've been thinking about all of this, and, really, none of that is Rider's style. He doesn't have a single mean, "punishing," vengeful, or vindictive bone in his body. He's definitely not anti-me being poly, either, even if he does wish I were home more. But what he does have is a tendency to...

Involved in this particular instance? I know there was no drug use, because he's on vacation with his family, and he really uses drugs only when he's out with a particular group of buddies. He's not the type to get high around the house alone, or be high around his mom, nurse sister and her...

Well, I'm glad I decided to withhold a decision about how I feel about Dustin's meltdown this morning. He FaceTimed me at the earliest opportunity and seemed . . . normal . . . and fine. Happy, even. Super happy to see my face online. He passed me around to his whole family, and once he was...

I don't have time to write very much more, but I do want to say that I had a long talk with Rider about the stuff in yesterday's post. I pretty much read him the entire thing out loud, not without tears. We're just chilling for now, not fighting or making any active changes. I also emailed a...

Yeah, it still rankles. Especially how he remained so blasé and cavalier about it the next day. If I stop to think about it too long, my blood starts to boil again, so I'm trying just to be more thankful that we reached a solution for the future than I am livid about what has happened in the...

( . . . continued from previous) This is all very true. I'm desperately casting around for a way to, at the very least, save my best-friendship with Rider if the marriage part goes south. I know it's possible in a general sense because I did it with Moss. But I don't know if it's possible in...

(. . . continued from previous) I definitely think that no matter what happens with Rider, moving on directly to nest up with Dustin is not the solution. Firstly, I haven't known him all that long yet. I have a personal policy against moving in with partners till I feel that I know them...

Well, so, it's complicated. To be honest, all I can own at this time is that I don't actually know. Like, there are definitely areas where Dustin and I are a better match, with the biggies being activities, sex stuff, and the fact that since he doesn't want other partners, I don't have to do...

I didn't think you sounded judgy at all. I really would like to be able to afford both. My insurance actually just switched this month, and I'm not sure what my benefit is. I got a TON of goodness out of the last time I was in therapy, back in Florida. He was also LGBT and poly friendly. I know...

( . . . continued from previous) As I sat there this morning and just observed Rider, I had a feeling like . . . I used to feel possessive of Rider. I used to feel like he was on some level mine. Even though I tried not to let those feelings intrude on his autonomy (though I often failed), they...

I'm barely starting to bleed right now and boy am I one big puddle of unpleasant emotions. They're somehow both oppressive and heavy but also mellow and still—it really is more of a big puddle than a storm. Rider is off at a poly meetup, and I'm just chilling at the house with the cats. I...

Yeah, maybe I should have just waited. Although this morning he still stuck by the same stuff he said, so maybe it wouldn't have made much of a difference. He did at least apologize for the childish stomping off and loudly shutting the door, though. I dunno—I guess he and I really do just see...

Rider has promised me that we can get counseling after the new year—that he'll set money and time aside for it. I think we really need it. Our communication tonight was so weird and toxic, and I'm feeling rather at a loss. I'd love to tell the story of my past few days, but I'm just stuck on...

I did try something like this, but I've actually never found a vibe that works for me. I'm sooooo sensitive that vibration is pretty much across-the-board too intense for me, even at the lowest level, and it burns out my nerve endings to the point where the entire area just gets numb. I've only...

I suppose it's technically possible, and I won't know till I bleed, but I have a copper IUD, and I'm already feeling crampy inklings of the period that is due to arrive sometime in the next day or four. I've never had a very regular cycle, and it's normally anywhere from 27–34ish days long, with...

Yeah, if we could afford a bigger place than just a one-bedroom apartment, that would certainly make things different. Although . . . it'd be a totally new experience for both of us to learn "in the same house" overnights. I'm sure that's its own set of challenges. Neither of us has ever had to...

( . . . continued from previous) After the show was over, we went back into his room and lay sideways on the bed, fully clothed, just talking about music and writing and literature. He asked why, if I write so much every day, I don't try to write a novel. He thinks I'm super talented. I told...