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Presumably you are assuming that with any primary relationships there is a hierarchy in place. While that may be so in a lot of cases, there are quite a few people for whom having a primary doesn't automatically make it a hierarchy. Primary means that you are living together, and sharing...

I disagree! :) He may not be full of shit, but he's definitely NOT poly. Poly is about loving, open, and (sometimes) committed relationships - it is one form of responsible non-monogamy. I'm not really hearing any of that here. He's being far from open about his other relationships with you...

I can highly recommend reading Mono's posts on this topic that LR linked to. To add my own perspective: The love doesn't compare. I can't compare my love for any two people - each relationship feels different and I can't rank them in terms of "more" or "less". For me, a secondary is just...

Welcome - you're definitely not the first folks who have found that a transition from a swinging to a poly lifestyle is desirable for them. Definitely take a look around and see what similarities you see in your situation. A lot of posts are tagged, and you can see those at the bottom of the...

Hi and welcome to the forum. First, the terminology: the poly term for what you are looking for is a "closed triad" and it is most definitely a form of polyamory, since each of you love more than one. You may also have hear the term "Unicorn Hunters" - what you are looking for may well be a...

The counsellor that we went to had never heard of it either. I found some documents online that were aimed at professionals, printed them out and gave them to her. She really took them on board and understood the concepts really well and was able to come up with some great analogies which...

I think that for me it's a yellow flag. It's something that needs to be noted and discussed. I am at the stage of my life where I am not looking for something that is drama-laden, which means that I need the folks around me to be fairly consistent in how they react to things. I don't need to...

If there are some major red flag issues, like non-consensual activities or abuse of other sorts, then yes I would speak up, because by not knowing they may be putting themselves in danger. For nearly everything else, it's really not my business - they need to find out for themselves and arrive...

Wow, that's tough. So sorry that you are in this position. It really sounds, though, like you did everything right, and through it have learned a bunch about yourself. Don't know if this makes you feel any better, but if Gregor is monogamous (which it sounds like) and you are definitely poly...

Well, if it's not what you want, then nobody is going to expect you to want it... but for others, multiple primaries means building a life, buying a house and having kids with more than one person at a time. All of the other things that you talk about are the same, just with multiple people...

Yes, absolutely - totally agree. Only do it if it's a net gain for you. Otherwise it's totally not worth it.

LR, I am sensing that you may be a little upset. Am I correctly reading the signals that you are sending out, here and in the thread? :D:D:D:D:D

See, so many good anecdotes supporting this... If poly is about being open and honest, then how can you expect to find a good, solid poly relationship if you are not completely open and honest from the get-go? If you manipulate folks with your "marketing strategy", then don't be surprised if...

Thank you, LR - great post. In my early "discovering poly" days I was bad at this. I have learned, and make sure that my NRE is far more balanced.

I agree with KyleKat - you have a broken relationship - adding more people isn't going to make it any better. If he wants to make things work with you then he needs to put what energy he has (which may well be less than he used to have - we're none of us getting any younger!) into your...

First up, welcome to the forum. And thank you for sharing your story with us. It's interesting that you went the way you did, and I think that it was great that you discussed it together and agreed to try things. Before I get to your questions at the end, I have one point about something you...

I think that this is very wise, based on what you have told us. I'm not sure that I would want to be in *any* form of relationship with him. If he cheated on you, then he would presumably cheat on them. He may not tell them about you and then, when they find out, they're going to be coming...

Some great points brought up already. Here's my take on this - ok, so your ideal is to be in a live-in arrangement with someone, and then have other lovers, but what you are asking here (as I understand it) is whether you should have secondary relationships while you are waiting for that person...

Wow, so picky over details.... :D I refuse to limit myself to a certain number of partners. My statements were made to be general comments about how I do poly, not specific to my particular situation. What I try to distinguish against is the idea that in things like this my "primary" has some...

Well, first up, there's no such thing as truly unbiased advice - we all have our own sets of filters and paradigms we work with. :) The big question, for me, is what do you feel you are missing to not feel fulfilled? Do you feel that this is specific to your current relationship, or has this...