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Also on the primary note, I consider being fluid bonded as another way of being "primary," which both guys are only with me.

I would have that if I could. Both guys know that. In a fantasy world I would cohabitate, or at least live in close proximity and share more with both.

Friction is an understatement. I dislike her intensely. She either feels the same, or is ambivalent towards me. As a person, she is very selfish, and blames everyone else for her problems. She seeks attention and affirmation from everywhere, but is never happy. These are things I know about...

For me, being primary isn't just those things you listed. In that way, my husband I are one-and-only primaries. Where I consider it "co," is that I have the same level of emotional devotion to them, and they get equal say/priority in my time and attention. If he were truly secondary, my spouse...

If she and I were to be co-primaries? I feel like that takes a lot of work and friendship between the two people. Like my spouse and boyfriend talk, hang out, are close enough that it makes it easier to say "Hubs, I want a weekend away with BF" or "BF, lets give hubs some time off without the...

This is a very interesting point to ponder, NYCindie. I can totally see how his crappy marriage is his subconscious desire to punish himself, and in me he gets the reward of what is good and kind, etc. I hope he will find the self-realization that he does not NEED to punish or neglect himself...

I totally see your points. What's awkward is, we aren't co-primaries. She isn't a primary to him. Only I am. Yet she's married to him. Any other secondary person in either of my primaries' lives I could totally comment on, or even ask for some boundaries to make me comfortable. But here, I can't...

great name :)

What I struggle with now is I want to advise him to not try to be friends. I've been there. You can't just jump to friends when a relationship crumbles. But as his new primary, is it my place? I can comment on secondaries plenty, but in this case, she is still his wife and had 23 years with him...

Very true, Smiles. He is much the same as what you are describing. There has just been a lot of hurt involved. It's hard to watch him trying for a friendship when he's still grieving the marriage.

Romantically? No, I am not bi. In general? Also no. I tried very hard at the beginning, but she just wasn't having it. We are like night and day. She finds me offensive, and I find her churlish and manipulative. It sometimes amazes me that one man could be in love with both of us.

Thanks, sunshine. Enjoying our convo for different sides of a similar issue. I'm younger than BF too, it happens. ;) We are an amazing match, but I am married. So really, if he becomes single, he gets from me what he already has. Any more would require consent and involvement of my spouse...

Being with other people can strengthen a relationship. It all depends on the people. I enjoy when my spouse is with other women, and am not threatened by or jealous of any emotional or physical relationships. I feel incredibly secure with him. My bf had the same worry as you. He and I DO have...

What I find curious or hard to handle in my situation, is that their marriage is falling apart while they are poly. He had the opportunity to turn to me, and I didn't mind being there, as I love him dearly. Our relationship has surpassed theirs in a romance sense because they aren't a couple...

I'm glad you had the strength then, IYE. I wonder if one of them will break eventually. I couldn't stay. It just doesn't seem good for each person as an individual.

It isn't adversely affecting us anymore, so I'm okay with it right now. I guess need to stop questioning it. I've asked him and he says he's a dedicated person, and he married her, that he'd miss out on some stuff... nothing that really makes me understand.

They went to counseling a few times....but I think has of right now no one is looking for a romantic relationship so they do not continue to go. Our relationship has gotten stronger actually...and I like providing a lot to him...but it caused a lot of angst too as we transitioned into my being...

I hear you, Smiles. Thank you for sharing. The big differences I see, though, are that you have a daughter, and it sounds like you treat each other well. My metamour has been treating my bf horribly for months. There is name-calling, fighting, etc. Do you and your spouse get along, do...

Thanks for all the replies. I am surprised to see this is so common. I understand it a little more when kids are involved. I really relate to your story, YouAreHere. That's how she seems-- surprised he doesn't want to keep tiny bits of their life, and why that would bother him. He cares for...

This. my metamour and I don't speak, and it probably would go well if we did. I don't think i'd use my boyfriend as a go between