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What "speeds" would you consider the two of you are each moving at? What do you each want to see happen in the next few weeks/months?

The "no more kids" sounds like a personal boundary you have, rather than an agreement. When I'm on the dating apps, I say, "I won't date a smoker" - that's a personal boundary that someone has to take or leave before even meeting me.

Thank you! This is very helpful, and makes a lot of sense. I'll make notes on this.

Thank you for explaining this. I am confused thought and trying to fit your framework over their agreement made before I came into his life. He told me that after his ex wife ended their marriage, he and Blue could now speak much more freely. He asked her how often she'd like to talk (phone...

Yes! Thank you! That is exactly the kind of boundary I can work with. You are right - I don't have to put up with it, I can end our time together. With him knowing way ahead of time that this *is* my personal boundary, so he can decide if he wants to take the calls (and leave), or ignore them...

https://solopoly.net/2013/01/10/rules-for-myself-what-makes-solo-polyamory-work-for-me/ Have others here read some of the posts of this solo poly person? I found their "personal" rules resonated with me, especially points 7, 8 and 9. Do any of you have personal "Rules" like this? I think I'd...

Fair point, thank you. As for a lengthy trip, I would ask for a few calls, and maybe a bit of texting, but that's it. What she would want from him would be between them. I wouldn't care.

I'm still trying to figure out what personal boundaries to create around this that don't sound like ultimatums. Some personal boundaries have been easy to set, like, "I won't date a smoker", but anything I think of now come across as "take it or leave it" ultimatums. Maybe I'm doing it wrong...

I did look up that podcast you mentioned - thank you! I will start listening/tackling that very soon. I think you are correct in your assessment, so thank you for your thoughts :-)

Well actually, as it’s my vacation, yes, I do have to be okay with it. And yes, as I do want to help her get what she needs during that time if possible, all three of us *will* be figuring this out together. So thank you for your thoughts, but we are going to deal with this, and I’ll keep...

Yes, if he is with me about 4-7 days, a call, or maybe two, about 30 minutes would be fine. I guess why this has shifted for me, and why I'm feeling more picky/protective now this fall, is that two large circumstances have changed things. First, Pisces moved from being far away from both of...

I'm not craving validation, I'm trying to understand things better. I am still learning and can get confused on how things are done, what's "usual", etc.

Hello all! As I am still learning about all the nuances in poly, like agreements, rules, boundaries, couples' privilege, etc, I am hoping to get your thoughts on something: Is an agreement (say, on communication/phone calls) made between a couple (not married, not living together, but having a...

I don't have scorn for her. I was angry with her, but am trying to have compassion. Yes, we are planning on that. Yes, I am trying to approach it mostly as that, But I am still seeing a pattern, and I can't ignore that. Bringing someone's awareness to it as a possible pattern is not a bad...

Yes, I can appreciate why it's best to focus on the bigger picture. I guess I'm observing what appears to be him saying 'yes' to her so much that way is starting to look like a concerning, unhealthy pattern. I may request we nip this pattern in the bud. I appreciate your thoughts on this - you...

I guess I find it disturbing that he would say "yes" to her four phone calls when he was in person with me last. When I asked him why he said "yes", he responded with "It's not a great analogy, but essentially she was the squeakier wheel". Really? Why does that strike me as a red flag? And how...

Again, this seems like a boundary that the Hinge has the privilege of, that a person on the end of the V (who only has the hinge as their partner) does not. I don't see what my own boundary could be around this issue, do you? Maybe I'm too new to have sorted that out yet... Me too! I know...

Yeah, I don't like the idea of a rule either. I guess I just want her to leave us alone, and for him to say no to her ask for calls/excess texting, unless really important. I know all I can do is express my wishes/needs here.

When things were happy/healthy with the three of us, I had no issue with her asking for a call during our time together, and usually there is minimal texting between them. She has gotten more demanding/needy in the last few months, and now that she refuses to have anything to do with me, things...

I'm hesitant to push, as you point out. I do need to advocate for my needs, though, as my in-person time with him is very important to me. Thank you for your thoughts. It's good to get variety of thoughts.