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Ah, it had read like more of a general statement to me. But I could be totally wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. :o

I totally feel you. If "the truth" is big enough to rock my world, chances are good that it'll come to light. I'd rather live believing people (or at least keeping an open mind) until they give me a reason to do otherwise. And for me "a reason to do otherwise" may include things like they...

I don't know if I'd go so far as to assume that the OP is specifically interested in being with a toxic and abusive person. From my own experience (and those I've read on a support forum for getting away from abusive relationships), a lot of times, abusers suck you in by initially appearing as...

Ah, I just read back, and you're right. I agree with you, not a red flag in my relationship with Jon, but definitely a red flag about Lora/me having a relationship with Lora. Jon can do as he wishes with Lora (or other people he dates). As long as a large amount of drama or disrespect doesn't...

Jon is definitely not the type to get pissed off at something like that. If I were dealing with Jon and Lora again, I know the things that I can bring to Jon (like that) that I was afraid to bring to him before. He would definitely want to know, and also understand why I wouldn't want to be...

That's what always worries me. I've personally gone through some pretty bizarre stuff and been called a troll when describing it - truth is definitely stranger than fiction! That said, my hinky-meter did start ringing specifically when he mentioned that he works for Amnesty International. It...

I love this too! When I had two partners, I felt the same way. I loved both of them enormously. They were both deeply important to me - but like that, like different appliances. Ah, man, if I'd read this when I was still with both of them...I think they'd both have had a good laugh too. Jon...

My longest-term metamour is Lora, my partner Jon's ex. I think she has dependent personality disorder, and she was verbally and emotionally abusive to Jon. They broke up earlier this year. My relationship with her started out hopeful, went downhill, went back uphill after a huge throwdown...

Yup yup. And even if it's not perfect, as in, I'm not looking for the "magic words" that would diffuse a situation and make it all harmonious and perfect. It's just helpful for me to have an idea what my stance is and how I'm willing to handle something, before it even happens. If something...

When we lived with Jon's ex, we had two bedrooms. One had a king bed. One had a queen. Jon would sleep some night with me in the king bed, some nights with Lora in the queen bed, and some nights we'd all sleep together on the king bed. If we ever share our home with another partner again (who...

Spot on about Lora, and her MO of gaslighting people that she, herself is gaslighting. But more importantly (and more generally), I really love that wording and the idea of talking to both of them in a day or two about it. Since it is sort of a shared problem between both people. It'd also be...

I hope we're both clear that I'm not catastrophic and although I am ruminating, I ruminate on a lot of things, and I don't think I'm ruminating unhealthily. To me, if I were ruminating unhealthily, I've had a whole laundry lists of posts of this type that I'm making, and it would seem...rather...

I totally agree it was a red flag. One of many. That's not in dispute. My thoughts are entirely on what (if anything) I should have said about it. To answer your question, it's something that I would want to say to my metamour, because my metamour both created the scene AND is the person who...

I think my mind is finally ready to start dating, even if my body isn't. Or at least, something in my subconscious really wants me to get out there and meet people. For the last three nights running, I've been having dreams about dating someone new. A different person each night. A different...

I appreciate what you are saying and believe me, most of what I'm doing is exactly that. But, I worry (not just in this relationship, but in other ones too) that I don't speak up when I should, and if I DID speak up more, it would be more helpful, both in the short-term and in the long term...

You're making the assumption that I'm speaking only of Jon and his future relationships. Based on the experiences I've seen my poly friends have, dealing with metamours who have insecurity issues is not a rare or unusual thing. I'm actually assuming more that my next insecure metamour would be...

I'm not assuming that all my metamour relationships will be like Lora. But there is a possibility that it could happen, and I like being prepared for things. Jon was apologetic about what happened. He also mentioned to me recently that it was interactions like that the slowly pounded the nails...

This is something that happened a long time ago with Lora, Jon, and me. I debate how I handled it then, and wanted to ask how other poly people would have handled it. Jon, Lora and I were invited to a wedding. It was Jon's friend's wedding, and he was in the wedding party. Because of that, he...

Wanted to also second the idea of talking about a rough idea of where things could go, even if it's up in the air now. In my relationship experience, it's typically been a really good idea to check in every few months with a conversation like that, just to make sure everybody is on the same...

Why do you want to stay with hubs? Do you feel comfortable sharing that? Because from what you've said, I'm not seeing any good sides to him. Admittedly, you came here partly to vent, so this isn't necessarily the place where you're going to talk about his good aspects. But from what you've...