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I don’t think loyalty by default is a problem. The point about defaults is not that they are set in stone, you can always change the default in a given situation or change the default settings if you find you need to. For me the default of loyalty and taking my partner’s side is more like giving...

Yes, this is the mental position I have arrived at. If she can see the hurt this causes me, and yet chooses to allow it to continue, does she really love me as much as I think she does? I think not. What then would I be fighting to keep, apart from a co-parenting solution, that would suck the...

I have considered this possibility. I kind of dismissed it as wishful thinking, that somehow I could discover that what she really wanted was some kink, and she never asked for it because she thought I would be shocked or would think less of her, whereas I would enthusiastically join in...

Someone asked me a question: if we had the talk and decided we were going to give poly a try, would both of us be poly, or would it be a poly/mono relationship? My immediate thought was if she is asexual, she’s not going to want another relationship. But I quickly realised that sexual intimacy...

You are right. I don’t want her to feel under pressure to accept something she’s not happy with. But if there are only 4 options, she rules out 1 (sex) and I rule out another (celibacy) that only leaves us with 2. I don’t want to make her unhappy, but at the same time, while in many ways I have...

Reading this back, I realise it may sound like I’d be making some kind of ultimatum: “Accept ENM or I’m out of here." I certainly won’t be doing that. But at the same time, there are only so many possible outcomes, and ruling out sex and ENM leaves me with celibacy or divorce.

That is my hope. In the past, I’ve craved some form of intimacy, so I’ve asked for cuddles in bed that are just cuddles and won’t progress beyond that. But that didn’t happen either. I would never have broken that pledge, and I’m sure she knows that, but in that case, sex was only off the table...

@EldritchDucky I think there’s a lot of sense in what you are saying. I think if you go into a relationship with one expectation and then down the line that expectation gets changed it’s going to be harder for everyone to get comfortable with that, but if it was clear up front then you can...

You are right of course. I need to remember that in the medium to longer term things will improve for both of us once we've discussed this issue. It's like the surgeon cutting out a cancer, sure there's pain at first from the operation where before perhaps you weren't feeling pain. But that...

I've got my next therapy session later this afternoon. Since my last one I've been thinking about all of the reasons I do not start the much needed conversation, and I've already discussed many of them here. One of the reasons I mentioned was fear of her reaction. Fear that she would be terribly...

I will. I’ve started a blog here: https://polyamory.com/threads/allosexual-husband-of-an-asexual-wife-explores-options.156010/ Where you can keep up-to-date with my progress. Currently I’m taking some time to work on myself with the help of a therapist before addressing the issues with my...

I can honestly say, I’ve been through the same struggle. Actually not “been through,” am currently working my way through. And I’ve found what @Bobbi says to be true. This forum has helped me greatly. I’d support this suggestion too. I’ve found it a great way to work through my thoughts and...

I absolutely hear you and am right there with you. I too have that need to be stoic, or at least to project stoicism. I too have spoken more about myself on here than ever before, but I've found it to be massively useful in sorting through my thoughts and feelings.

I had my second session with my new therapist. We talked about what stops me from speaking to Joy about sex. I explained some of the things I've mentioned above: my upbringing to put others' feelings ahead of my own, my potential autism and difficulty expressing myself, especially concerning...

You say neither of you are getting anything, and as far as sex goes, that's true. But I wonder if what your wife is getting more of is external validation. All these guys matching with her, more than you are getting women matching with you, is making you feel like there's a big disparity. What...

I've only recently come to realise there were different types of ADHD. I though ADHD always came with impulse control and hyperactivty issues, which I do not have. I've since learned that there are three types: 1 Inattentive and distractible type. 2 Impulsive/hyperactive type. 3 Combined type...

I don’t know why I couldn’t see it before, but something I wrote on Saturday after my session with the therapist just kept going round and round in my head afterwards. I’m a perfectionist. Why am I a perfectionist? I don’t know. It’s sure as hell not because I’m perfect. I’m far from it. Why is...

I had to look up on the internet what “YKWIM?” means (which is ironic), but yes. I do. That first conversation I don’t see as the end. That’s the start of a process. Everything I’m doing now is what I need to do to get me to the start. Once we get there I’ve got a lot more work to do to get to...

Oh, I imagine so, but after that it stops being my plan and becomes our plan. One that we create together, and both have equal responsibility for executing.

Wow. I’m paying £80 (about €93 at today’s exchange rate) for 50 minutes. First time I’ve ever had therapy. All I can say is so far with just one under my belt it’s worth it.