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You know, from my lived experience, I have a lot of sympaties for your wife, although she's the one stepping outside agreements (partially! she's now held off of exploring her sexual desire for this person for a year). I do feel your pain, but as you say, there's a lot of grey in the story. The...

Well, maybe we don't need any when Idealist goes between Meta and me since that's really long-standing, but plenty of trouble if there is anyone else in the picture. We have one or two relationship rituals, but we didn't develop a strong one for reconnection.

I'm very sorry you're going through this! I'll read the whole story later. Tl;dr: Totally reasonable to ask; totally within her rights to refuse. (Some people are unable to cut ties in the middle of NRE.) The natural consequence, unfortunately, is in most cases divorce :( I'm sorry again.

Unfortunately, we don't have that - sounds really nice!

I purposefully suggested a really fixed period of time, because I think once he moves in, unless the deal is really clear, you hold the shorter end of the stick (in risk of a two over one situation). How are you going to throw him out on the street if he just stalls finding an apartment? So I...

It's possible this is changing for your wife as her connection to this "friend" deepens, maybe she is approaching a point - or will in time, if the relationship contnues - where she feels you more at the same level. That outlook would contribute to your grief, but it sounds like you understand...

You don't want him as permanent roommate, it's just too much, and that's ok. State some clear boundaries. You could suggest a temporary deal - like three weeks or three months - you can accomodate him before he finds a living space of his own (it's a little hard to appartment hunt while not in...

I'd just like to say that while not impeding upon a partners' authonomy is seen as a virtue by some polyamorous people, I don't think it's beneficial to hold it as a moral imperative. It would be extreme to expect yourself to be ok with every metamour regardless of their behavior towards you...

Experience and community does help with shame - especially concerning the kink part. Presumably the gay part too, but I don't know about that personally.

Hi there. I'm from a neighbouring country, but I'm pretty sure big German cities will have active polyamorous communities, since a lot of open-minded German people come to local kink events :)

Yes, it's important, although it's not the end all be all - I will not necessarily choose the hottest man as partner, personality, and the kind of attention they give me, plays a big role. Straightforward attraction based on looks is rather rare for me. I'm kinda first sight attracted to the...

Btw., rereading, is this his phrasing or yours? Because relationship beginnings are rarely that formal. Usually you would invite someone out and see what happens and most connections don't make it past the first (or third) date. So did he just say he's inviting someone out? Or is this a...

I take it they've been practicing some form of non-monogamy/hierarchical poly for some unspecified time, but this is the first time something got actually this serious. That happens. We've been a "V" for over ten years, plus the occasional crushes and play partners. But if Idealist now found...

Hi there, unlike other posters I won't make a conclusion from what you have written. I think you should talk to him first about all you have written here - after all the news is very fresh. See what he has to say. Is HE a devoted person with high empathy? It's important we seek people similar...

I don't think you have a better option than acknowledge it is a loss for her, continue to be friendly (without forcing contact) and give her time. There may or may not be also gains for her, but they may not be very visible right now - a few months is still in the middle of change.

It's totally ok to opt out of these dates, or use the first one to break up/ explain what you need to change going forward.

You will figure this out. You'll just be all distracted for a few months, so you will have to mindfully return your attention to your older partner during your focused couple time. Don't overstretch, if you need to take a few minutes out of your day to text your new love, your partner can...

Hmmm. If you were a woman and this was four weeks, this would be much easier to comment on :D Cyclic conflicts (usually with less regular periods) sometimes do signalize a fundamental incompatibility. Do your best to verbalize that stuff you need to verbalize sooner - when you're not...

Young and clever enough to read the experience of previous generations :)

There's no intention. It's just natural to complain to partner A about things that didn't quite work out with partner B. But there's different bias: While the hinge has a big love cushion with B, so these are just little complains or even tough situations that are eventually overcome, partner A...