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Bingo! But how do I "unguilt" myself? He doesn't want me to have a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. Married women don't have boyfriends (that's the culture talking). No, the sexual rejection thing is a little different. In the beginning of our relationship, sometimes he'd be interested in sex...

Not sure how long it's been... weeks, anyway. The hand job thing was a couple of weeks ago I think. C and I are technically supposed to get together once a month for an overnight, but we haven't had that since April, since my husband was struggling with it more lately. We've seen each other a...

Sorry, I could have been more clear. I mean he got me off with his fingers, and then I went to return the favor, and since my hand got tired he finished (while I caressed him). He was upset because it was a hand job rather than PIV sex. He thought that was a punishment, like I was trying to show...

Thanks. I remembered writing some time ago here that we had a very good sex life. I'm not sure where things went wrong. I think that would make it worse. When I feel an expectation for sex, I get even more tense about whether I'm reacting the right way to his touch, etc. I suggested we just...

Thanks for clarifying. I agree. Things shift and change, and we are definitely not the same couple now as we were 14 years ago. However, our marriage always seems to be better when we are sexually involved. Maybe because it's a reflection of the health of our emotional intimacy. I'd rather fix...

I see your point but I think it's going to vary from person to person whether this rule is a big deal or not. Most of us are fine with rules (often unspoken) like "Don't text while I'm having sex with you," or "Don't have unprotected sex with others" because we find these things to be...

Wow, we have very similar situations! My husband was a virgin when we met. C hasn't had many partners and claims to never have had a good sex life before, but for whatever reason it's just effortless with us. I do think I can be content with one kind of sweet and gentle lovemaking at home, and...

We stopped therapy because the sessions weren't helping. We'd go in and dredge up all our problems and the therapist never gave us much more than, "Do you hear what she's saying?" and "I think what he's trying to convey is that..." but we usually left feeling much worse than when we started...

I think if I can resolve the emotional problems, it will mostly clear up the sex problems. (I'm ok with our sex not fulfilling all my fantasies, since I do have C for some of that.) C won't worry about wrecking our family if these emotional/sex problems resolve. So it comes down to my husband...

I agree. It seems to imply that women can;t have real sex with women, either, because no one has the requisite penis. I think what people are mostly uncomfortable with is the idea that a third party can have control over what goes on in a relationship. That my husband would be able to limit...

Thank you so much. This rings true. I hear myself saying critical things and I hate what's coming out of me. I told him at one point some parts of my body that like touch, and that worked, but he seems to have forgotten already. I'll keep telling him. Thanks for the link too. I don't know that...

Thank you. I will definitely look for these books. I know comparing partners is bad. At the same time, I find myself asking, "What is it that I want him to be doing? What kind of touch/words/action will get me excited?" and my point of reference is the relationship in which I do get turned on...

Sorry Marcus, I wasn't trying to dismiss your feedback. I just felt like everyone was answering a different questions from the one I meant to ask. Mine was about fixing my sex life. I felt like it was being misread as "Given this paragraph about my 14 year marriage, do you think he's worth...

It's a bit much to call what I'm going through lately being "sexually repulsed" by my husband. We have had plenty of good sex over the years. His body is attractive. He turns heads. I just feel like the dynamic between us isn't sexy these days. I want to fix that. I don't want to throw out an...

I agree that it is a dumb rule, but at the same time, it is a reality that my husband will not consider staying married to me if I cross that line. I think that in his mind, my second relationship is "cheating" on the vows we made when we married. We didn't have that whole bit about forsaking...

Can anyone recommend a good book, or maybe some good strategies, for fixing a dead sex life? I've gone for years having to initiate all the sex because my husband doesn't like rejection, and finally just put my foot down and said this is killing my self esteem. So he's trying, and I realize that...

You're right; these are both valid ways of processing things. I think I get frustrated when I feel like I don't have all the information I need to be able to process things on my own, because he hasn't talked to me about it yet. Compounded with the fact that when we are almost always at a...

One thing I asked him recently was if we could have a 30 second phone equivalent of a hug when things are rough but one of us isn't able to devote the time and energy into processing it yet. Somehow to me a text that says, "I don't want to talk about it right now. I love you though. Good night,"...

Thank you for this, NYCindie! I read this and could just about hear the giant "CLICK" in my brain and I realized that pretty much everything that is difficult in my relationship with Colin can be traced back to this habit we've created of frequent texting. It's fun: "Here's a picture of my...

I did tell Colin very clearly how I feel about communication, and in February we agreed that if I'm hurting, rather than spill my guts in a text or email and scaring him off, I should say, "I'm hurting. Please call." Last night he texted that he just didn't have the energy to talk on the phone...