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I feel for you, Rootlet. It sounds like your situation is more dire than mine. My husband at least enjoys sex. I never get the impression that he is going through the motions for my sake. I guess an analogy might be a chocolate truffle. He'll happily eat one if offered, but is not spending any...

Can you explain what you mean about compounding effect? It sounds like you've been in my husband's situation and gone through a lot of pain because of it. Do you think there's something I can do to make this all easier on him? He's all done talking about it, from what I can see, and when he...

I've read about this, and all I can say is, I'm so glad my husband's brother is not part of our marriage!! :)

The way he describes it, it's more that he went out on a bit of a limb marrying an American (as we are notorious for our high divorce rates) raised by twice-divorced parents, so if I prove not to be the morally upstanding wife he'd assured his family I would be, it reflects badly on his...

He's never been all over me physically. It's a challenge. He's very enthusiastic in bed. But I can't go through my day (or week or month) with a roommate-type of interaction, and then get myself in the mood to offer sex. I don't think my "coming out" to him changed our sexual dynamic-- all it...

Run screaming, definitely. He wouldn't want anyone in public suspecting us of such a thing. I did find out an acquaintance of mine has a girlfriend and a wife, openly, so I've thought it would be nice to get that on his radar somehow. I'm going to choose our marriage counselor from among a...

Re that whole "slippery slope" thing, I'm trying to be careful here. My husband had a few months to digest "sometimes I get crushes on other guys" before he had to cope with "I'm in love with another man." That threw him considerably, but none of his fears have come to pass. I'm still his...

In the beginning, there was plenty of affection, and enough sex for me. For various reasons, my sexual appetite was not much back then, so it was a relief that I was never pressured for more. (I'd been there.) I married him for love. We used to do all sorts of fun stuff together. We met...

Mono, you're totally right about this, but I don't know what to do about it. For me, personally, there is an enormous wall in place when it comes to actual intercourse, and I know it's pretty much impossible for me to get carried away and cross it. (I'm not one to get drunk or otherwise lose my...

Now we drift back towards DADT. True to form, my husband didn't ask whether or not there'd been kissing when I was with my friend today. I asked him what had been the point of not kissing, if he didn't ask about it anyway. How would it have hurt him if we'd kissed? He wouldn't have known. He...

So, I went to spend the day with my friend today, and the no kissing business was awkward but manageable. As usual, talking to him brought me lots of clarity, lots of confidence, and lots of sexual frustration. The sum total was me coming home feeling happier. I realized that it's not so much...

Thanks, Redpepper. It's pretty hard to separate an Indian man from his culture. In his view, he is not being controlling because he is simply stating facts: I am free to choose, and some of my choices could hurt him. I get that. If we actually listed what was okay and what wasn't for each of...

I do get the feeling there is some testing going on, perhaps along with what Mono was saying (thank you, Mono) about becoming less invested in our relationship. I think in some ways he wants to leave it up to me, so that I can prove to him that I am who he wants me to be. If I stay monogamous, I...

Ray, I was confused too. The upshot seems to be that he doesn't feel like he is in a position to allow or prohibit me from doing what I choose (and I agree), so he is telling me to do what I want, and then, he is telling me that he will be hurt if I do (have sex or other intimacy), possibly...

Thanks for these thoughts. A difficulty that arises when it comes to my emotional bond with both of these other men is that they live far away (2 hr and 5 hr drives). For the past six months, I've really wanted to spend time with the one 2 hrs away, who has known me for half my life. I've been...

We had a huge conversation about this last night. I had misunderstood so much, including his meaning two years ago when he refused to answer whether he minded me kissing someone else or not. He minds all of it. It all hurts him. He considers all of it wrong. His "Do what you like" was a big fat...

These are great questions, some of which we have talked about a lot. I suspect that the reasons he married me (my personal qualities, the fact that he gave me his virginity, his being ready at that time in life to get married) are not the same as the reasons he wants to stay married (our...

Yes, it's not so much that I don't trust him, as I don't understand his motivation, and if it is more one of resigned self-sacrifice than a sincere regard for my well-being, of course I can't go there. Although both elements are always in the balance, aren't they?

Clear that I shouldn't, you mean? Or that he doesn't want to know about it if I do?

Thanks, everyone. You make it sound so simple. I still feel totally confused about his feelings. I know he would never want a play-by-play description of what happens, and I wouldn't want to give him that. I'm just not sure if he really wants me to do this or not. He did say he would not be...